I've been married a little over a year. I just found out my husband cheated on me with his old g/f two weeks after we got engaged. He took pictures of it. She is a skank. I am very attractive. I am devastated. There were no problems in our relationship when he did this. What should I do?

OC
Alot of men tend to "freak out" after commiting to a woman. I'm not saying he should have but it happens.
Has he committed to you that he'll never contact her again? Have you read all of the MB precepts? A NC letter should go out.

Don't let him tell you that it was before the marriage so it didn't count. My W did that to me and we are still dealing with it almost 20 yrs later.

Where is your H on this? Remorseful because of the act or because you found out?

Give more info on your situation and more people may be able to help.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There were no problems in our relationship when he did this. What should I do? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I doubt this is accurate. There may not have been obvious problems, but it's important to begin to understand how and why this happened. Take a harder look at your relationship. Read "Surviving an Affair" and see if that doesn't help you understand better. There is a plan there to begin the recovery of your marriage. Please continue to post. Welcome to the forum.

There must have been something wrong. Either in the relationship or likely your husbands ability to cope with stress.

Go and buy some books on infidelity and or building stong relationships.

Don't allow him to simply discount the event because it was before you were married. If you had an exclusive relationship married or not what he did was wrong.

I agree he must not have any more contact with her ever. Old flames are to easily rekindled. If he will not do this then leave.

Find out if this is a repeated pattern in his life. If so you have some tough decissions.

And don't do anything you may regret like getting pregnant as a solution to bring yourselves closer. Get this problem delt with before making any life altering decissions.

Orangecrush,
How are youdoing? Haven't heard from you

He says he did it because he was drunk, wanted anal sex, and wanted one last fling before marriage. I told him I wanted my last fling now, and then we'll wipe the slate clean and move forward. He has agreed to this. He has also agreed to not put himself in a drinking situation without me again, and he says he can live without anal.

When you say that you want your one last fling now I am assuming that you are talking about having an affair yourself. That will not solve anything and will only serve to damage your marriage further. Plus, can you live with the guilt of sleeping with another man while you are married? I know that what your husband did was wrong, but technically speaking he was not married when he had sex behind your back. I am not saying that this makes what he did right, but you have exchanged vows and having a revenge affair will not make you feel any better about what he did. Please read other posts on revenge affairs to see how the betrayed spouse feels when they have an affair and become a wayward spouse. Work on rebuilding your marriage and trust for your husband. Read Surviving an Affair, which may be ordered from this site for about $20. Above all else, do not do something that you will regret for the rest of your life!

It's not about revenge; it's about feeling equal. Right now I feel superior to him... equality has always been an important theme in our relationship. I need to feel like we are equals. I don't want to feel like I'm better than him. I will never be able to feel the same way about him unless we level the playing field, and start with a clean slate. It's also about finding out if he's worth it. If he can forgive me, then I can forgive him. He's OK with it. He wants me to get it out of my system so we can start fresh.

Please take some time to think about the consequences of having a revenge affair. Many betrayed spouses have contemplated "leveling the playing field" by having an affair of their own. I have not read a single post from a betrayed spouse turned wayward spouse to indicate anything positive came from such an affair. Think long and hard before you turn your world upside down. If your marriage was rocky before your husband's affair came to light, having an affair of your own will almost certainly end your marriage. Why should your husband have to "prove" to you that he can forgive you in order for you to forgive and forget? Make a decision to either end or rebuild your marriage and stick with it.

orangecrush

Just some random thoughts on a Saturday evening.

No one wants to be in a position like this. I certainly didn't ask for it, and you didn't either. Traveling though my own hells I have learned that my reaction to a problem is directly proportional to how hard that problem is to overcome. I know, I know..lofty ideals. I often fall short, and descend into the abyss, but I strive daily to be positive.

With that said, a few thoughts:

Do you honestly think that by having an affair of your own, you are going to feel any better about what your husband did? Do you think he will honestly feel better? And most importantly, do you really think you can wipe the slate clean after doing it?

I understand the idea of leveling the playing field. I thought about it myself, very briefly. In the end I decided that I would simply be trading a hurt for a hurt. It's awfully hard to heal that way.

I think that instead of wiping the slate clean, by taking such an action you would be widening the rift that already exists between you.

You say that you have a feeling of superiority and that you strive to be equals. Why not work together to bring your husband up to your level, rather than dropping down to his.

Take care, and good luck.

Jake

I'm not sure why the objections to the plan. We've covered each aspect of why he did it.

a) He was drunk. Corrective action: He agreed not to put himself in that situation again.

b) He wanted anal. Corrective action: He says he can easily live without it.

c) He wanted a last fling. So did I. He took his without my knowledge, and now I am taking mine WITH his knowledge. He wants me to. Corrective action: He wants me to have a fling so we can begin on an even footing.

My husband knows very well that I will never be the suffering little woman. I was true blue all the time, and he ****ed up. I can forgive him if I know that he'd forgive me if the situation was reversed.

Your logic does not make much sense to me. You are using your husband's affair to justify your own. An eye for an eye so to speak. It sounds as though you actually want to have a fling, which tells me that your marriage is/has been very dysfunctional. I will let some of the more senior members respond to this thread. I feel that you need to hold off on making any decisions with long term implications and should seek marriage counselling immediately. No one here will condone or support your desire to have an affair.

quote:
No one here will condone or support your desire to have an affair.
______________________________________________

I support it. Why? Because it really does work to level the playing field. They both agree that it does, and they are the ones that count.

quote:
I have not read a single post from a betrayed spouse turned wayward spouse to indicate anything positive came from such an affair.

Here is just one of quite a few I have saved from this site that shows that it DOES level the playing field.

Member
Member # 11269

posted January 29, 2002 04:42 PM
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Last December(2000), I believed an A was happening. Last December, my hard drive in my computer died. Last January, I learned the "love" had left my marriage... thanks to her not emptying her email trash. Last Febuary, the kids and I moved out for good. Found out A was indeed happening. Last April, I turned 30 and signed D papers. Last May, was our 10 year anniversary and WW called to ask to put D on hold. Last June, D was taken off hold. Last July, D was final. Last Sept, XW wanted to get back together, moved in. Middle of last Oct, XW changed her mind moved out.
This December, my replacement hard drive died(almost a year to date of the old one dying) This December, shortly after XW learned about my new girl friend, XW showed up at my apartment with our 7 year old daughter. She had asked our daughter to ask me to go to dinner with them... I refused. It became clear XW was missing me badly, she continued showing these signs for the next few weeks. I told XW I was going to Florida with GF for New Years. XW started dropping by a lot up until New Years weekend(GF lived out of town). Right before I left for the weekend, XW declared undying, never ending love, loyalty and devotion to me "if" I didn't go. She begged me not to go. But I went and for 4 days, XW experienced some of the same feelings I felt for most of the past year.

Came back from weekend, GF and I called it quits. She couldn't deal with XW and I didn't blame her(XW wife called about 15 times that weekend "about the kids"). Besides, we both knew where my heart was.

Early this Jan XW and I got back together. She's been living with me and the kids since Jan 3. XW looked into my Yahoo email account and found all the emails from XGF. She had no idea how close we were, so now she's the one extremely jealous. But it really is over between me and GF, if she still makes XW jealous then good.

XW and I are moving into a new rental house this Feb. She's asking me to propose and to get remarried early this summer.

XW is constantly telling me how much she loves me and is "in love" with me. Everyday she tells me she will spend the rest of her life making it up to me. She always tells me she loves me and most importantly, she acts like it. She's really doing everything I could expect and more. She's saying all the right things... "I don't know what I saw in him", "It's like I was living 2 different lives", " I'm with you because I want to be with you and only you forever".

So needless to say right now I'm very happy. We're getting along great. We're having a lot of fun just being with each other. We are both very apprecitive of each other.

And for the most part, I'm getting everything I want. After living the worst year of my life, I'm the one who gets to have cake and eat it. I'm getting the girl I love the most back. She's totally in love with me and express it daily. I will make it worth it to her. Whatever she needs is what I want to provide.
And I got my revenge . I know, revenge is evil, but it happend. I believe for myself at least it was very important for her to understand how badly she hurt me. She had to appreciate how painful it is to know that the person you love is with someone else. She now appreciates what I went through, she now understands how badly she hurt me. And now when she starts questioning me about XGF I can bring XOM and she can't get mad at me. Actually I never wanted to know any details, but as XW asks me, I ask her and it's been a major healing process for me. As a matter of fact the more I learn about "him" the better I feel about myself.

Anyway, just wanted to write a quick update, it's been a long time since I've been here. There's a lot of work to be done in our relationship, but this year's off to a much more promising start than last year. I'm hopeful and happy... can't think of the last time I could say that

TTFN

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JB

&#8226; 14 Year relationship, married 10, Fog moved in 12/00
&#8226; 2 kids, girl(7) and boy(2)
&#8226; Kids and I moved out 02/01, D-day 3/01, I am the BS
&#8226; Divorced 6/01
&#8226; Re-Married 6/29/02

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Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2001 | IP: Logged


I am NOT saying it works for everybody, so it is not the only formula, but it does work for some.

No matter what you say, I cannot condone adultery in any form or fashion, with or without approval from the other spouse. That is not what marriage is about, nor should it be. I know that it is hard to forgive. I was the betrayed spouse and have to live with HSV until a cure is found as a result of my wife's affair. How can "getting even" and "leveling the playing field" make any sense when we are talking about causing another person emotional distress? I compare your logic to the argument about not wanting to wear seatbelts. One person out of one hundred may have survived an automobile accident if they had not been wearing their seatbelt......but what about the other ninety-nine?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by orangecrush:
<strong>It's not about revenge; it's about feeling equal. Right now I feel superior to him... equality has always been an important theme in our relationship. I need to feel like we are equals.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand what you're saying, but your conclusions seem, in my opinion, way out of whack.

You want to restore equality by aiming for the lowest common denominator. Why not achieve equality by reaching for something better together instead?

True, what was done cannot be undone. But if you work, both of you together, to create a marriage where the thought of betraying each other is unacceptable, isn't that the better option?

Instead, you seem to be working for a marriage where doing something hurtful is excusable as long as the other partner gets inflict pain, too. A marriage where turnabout is fair play. Is that how you want to spend your lives together?

PLEASE, I beg you as someone who's been there, reconsider!

An eye for an eye? Tit for tat? Yes, I suppose you could put it that way if you want to. But I don't want to spend the next year or perhaps even the rest of my life thinking of myself as an "injured spouse". I'd prefer to think of myself as an "equal spouse." If I don't "level the playing field", I run the risk of turning into what I don't want to be... a superior ***** who throws up his indiscretion when I feel like it. I also run the risk of having a husband who takes me for granted. Forgive him for this, and he might walk all over me. What we once had was beautiful. I want that back. We both do. We both agree that after I do what I have to, then we can start all over again. For us, it just might work. For other people, perhaps not. I plan to do this within the next 2 weeks. I'll keep you posted and let you know how it all shakes out. There is no great gain without great risk. I'm going for the whole enchilada.

Orange is your 'revenge' A going to be a ONS like your H's? What happens if it becomes more than that? Is your H then going to be entitled to have another A to even out the number of times you had your fun?

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by orangecrush:
<strong>If he can forgive me, then I can forgive him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">doesn't have to be the same
maybe he just has different moral (and other) values in life?
(for people nothing is sacred - it's easier to forgive...)

ps: if you don't have kids - let him go
to have 'anal ones' (among other things)

or be ready for other 'your revenges' as well
(maybe you won't like them, at least not all of them...)

my H and his X got into the revenge affair thing, and guess what, they are both stuck in that cycle. Even to the point of sleeping with each other while H and I are married. Oh, from what I can guess, it was by mutual consent. She couldn't understand why he finally wanted a divorce with the words "but we are being discrete"
DO NOT DO IT!!!
stay superior with higher morals.
I think and can only guess that my H is still in the cycle because he reduced his standards so low, to get back at her, that he feels somewhat not good enough for a honest to goodness old fashioned marriage. We are having PROBLEMS with our marriage. GUILT on his part.He has had a string of Affairs since. He is a habitual offender, trying to fu=ind some he is compatable with, and none of them are anyone even he would take home to mother.