Just a vent here. I am frustrated by the fact that every time I come to use the computer, Nicole instantly appears. No matter what she is doing, if she sees that I am going to log on, she's right here. Instantly looking to see if Chrissie has sent me anything (even though her address has been blocked) or if she has sent me something through messenger. If the messenger signals that someone has come online, she comes running to see if it's her. This really urks me. Yeah, I know that I don't have her trust, but I don't believe that I ever will. I know that as long as were married, she will come to see who it is that has come online while I am. I have been feeling pretty good the last two days, doin' ok. I have thought about Chrissie a lot, hoping that she would call me at work a couple of times, but she never did. I am still confused and hurting. Missing her quite a bit. Overall, I think I have done pretty well, all things considered. Nicole and I have had some really good talks, not all of them ending in yelling matches. I have been very stressed with work, which has made things a bit sketchy at home. Can't wait to do my other job again. Any way, just a little venting about all of this junk. Nothing major here.

Arik,<P>I don't know if yo've been reading any of medic's posts... about the 180 (turn around thing)...<P>How about this...<P>Turn your thoughs of Nicole "spying on you"... into Nicole "showing her concern for you"... It's a much healthier way to look at at it.<P>She's working hard... (maybe not always in the best ways... from your point of view)... but hard just to say... "I love you Arik... I don't want you to be hurting... thinking of Chrissy is just going to hurt you more... Arik... love me more instead..."<P>Try to think of her snooping as a sign of her concern... <P>And yes... <B>we</B> still love you... <BR>It's hard to kill that love... isn't it?<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Arik,<P>I feel for you...really I do. I have come down a bit hard on you because I see alot of POTENTIAL for both you and Nicole. <P>You are a good person, Arik... a VERY good person who is still very CONFUSED and going through a major life stressor.<P>Nicole doesn't trust you and there is no way to get around that right now - she feels THREATENED - her home, her life, her marriage and her security are all threatened right now.<P>You feel sadness and pressure like you have never felt before. I feel very badly for you...there is no way to avoid the pain you are experiencing at this point. That pain is there for a good reason - to make sure you DON'T ever want to experience it again - to discourgae you from having more affairs in the future!<P>Jim's idea about thinking differntly is a great one. Try as best as you can to put yourself in Nicole's shoes. Just see things differntly and it changes everything!<P>I am a pretty good judge of people, Arik. I have to tell you ....I know you are a GOOD person who is struggling mightily right now. Keep using your best assets - your BRAIN and common sense.<P>Still praying for you, Arik, to find some peace in this sea of chaos....<P>Roll Me Away <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I can imagine how frustrating this must be. But please try and be patient. It is going to take time to rebuilt trust. Be patient (I know at times that is tough). <P>I have my fingers crossed for you both. Keep talking, and try to keep your patients. I will be thinking of you both.<BR>Viki

Hi, there. Ok, now I can do my little mini lecture.<P>It's too soon, Arik. It won't last forever, it's just too soon to expect her to trust you yet.<P>Once you are PAST your pain (Yeah, that withdrawal thing again), once she knows you are in love w/ her again, once you've both begun to replace bad memories with new and better ones, the trust will return. <P>Read some of the older posts. Snooping and suspicions at the beginning are standard. And I'll be honest with you, I'll probably have the same insecurities if H ever decides to come home. But MOST everyone lets them go eventually. Somehow, they finally know when it's time. <P>I know it's gonna get on your nerves. It would anyone!! So you're not wrong. But Jim's got a great point. Until you're past the hurt that YOU'RE dealing with and she has a chance to get past the hurt SHE'S dealing with, just try to change the way you think about it. I know, I know, really hard. but look how far you've come! You can do that too.<P>You hang in there, ok? I'm pulling for you!<P>Lori

Ooohh - I just thought of something. You may not like it, but I think it might have an impact.<P>When you need to get on the computer, when you want to look up something, lovingly invite Nicole to join you. Not sarcastically, not to prove a point, just a "Hey, Honey, wanna check out the board with me?" or something like that.<P>I know, invasion of your privacy. Gonna be a bit of that for a while. But including her in the things that trigger insecurities would be a GREAT way to make them easier on her. And could be fun, too!<P>Just a thought. I'm going away again now.<P>Lori

airk......is there a way you can block the OW from you messenger service? You have blocked her email and that is good and it shows you care and are trying but if you could block the other or change yours so she wouldent know who you were that might help....<P>New at giving advice but hope I helped..<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>:) I will love my husband "Always & Forever" :)<P>

I’m sorry I don’t belong here but I’ve been doing a research project on adultery for one of my sociology classes and I sort of got caught up in reading the posts people have here. <P>I just wanted to say that I feel really sorry for your wife. That sounds really rude doesn’t it? I’m sorry. I don’t know either of you obviously so I know I shouldn’t say anything but I really don’t get why she stays with you. From the stuff you say you are SO not worth it. <P>You sound like you really don’t give a crap about her. You go on and on about how much you want this other woman and how much your job is stressing you out and you say almost nothing about her (and you say nothing that’s even complementary not to mention loving). You’ve even complained that your wife doesn’t pity you because you miss this other woman. <P>I’m sorry, like I said I don’t know you at all. I do have an incredible fear of being married to a man just like you. This was really bad wasn’t it? Sorry again. You’re probably not a terrible guy; in fact I’m almost sure of it. And I know that situations are complicated and different for almost every person but it just seems that your wife deserves something better. <P>Maybe that’s what I don’t get, and I don’t understand it about any of the situations here. I don’t understand why she would still want you; it is obvious that you do not want her. She deserves to find someone who wouldn’t do this to her, everyone here does. If she were my friend I would probably be trying to fix her up with some guys I know by now. That’s terrible isn’t it? But maybe at least then she’d have the chance to find someone who would love her. Like you found someone else to love.<P>Sorry this is so long and you probably don’t care anyway. Don’t worry about yelling at me about how wrong I am. I’ll regret posting this almost as soon as it’s up. <P>And please don’t lecture about the sanctity of marriage either, I am a Christian and I do believe in the sanctity of marriage but I can’t see trying to survive the kind of pain most of the people here go through. I am not that strong. There is a reason for the passage about allowing divorce in the cases of adultery right? I don’t know, they say that the younger generation does not have the same respect for marriage that previous generations had so maybe that’s it.<BR>

Quick Question...come back with ten years of marriage and three kids you are committed to giving the best possible life to, under your belt. Believe me...I may have thought the same things back in college...but really, you are clueless. Marriage is much more complex than you can even fathom right now.<P>Arik, be careful of the words ever, never and always. When you here yourself even think them, pause and say "OK, that was a sweeping assumption, not a fact."<P>Also it doesn't appear that you and Nicole are on the same team yet. Try to think that you are both trying to achieve the same goals.<P>One more thing, about six weeks ago I had a couple "bad" days. Sometimes I don't know what triggers them, but everything is going fine, then bam...I'm fighting off pain. My H doesn't even know this, so it doesn't affect him. He had his affair over the Christmas season (discovered 1/08/99) so I was thinking Christmas was going to stink big time. SURPRISE...I am feeling really good. Better than I have for 11 months and I finally am not thinking about it 24/7. It seems distant, almost. Six weeks ago I think I posted and thought there was no end in sight to the pain even though my marriage is better than ever.<P>Now I'm thinking I may have graduated from the pain. What happened? I don't know.<P>The point is you can not make accurate sweeping predictions about the future. What you think will always be or never happen is just that, a thought.<P>Hold on each day and somehow, sometime it will get better.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Well, I have to say that I feel like both cheeks have big red hand prints on them after reading your reply "Quick Q". I will admit that I think that Nicole deserves someone that didn't cheat on her. She has been an incredible wife to me for the last eleven years. I can not think of anyone who would have stuck by me through all of this the way she has. I must say that I have experienced "true love" through her, more than I have with anyone in my life, bar none.<BR>I always believed that my children were the only people in my life who loved me unconditionaly. I was unaware that my wife could be as forgiving and accepting as she is. My life experience with marriage has been less than exemplary. My mother has been divorced from every man she married (4), my biological father has this same dubious honor (3). My "Dad" (by adoption, but still the man I called daddy) has been divorced three times. My brother divorced only two years after he was married. My sister just one year.In fact I don't have ONE relative (Grandparents excluded) that has stayed married as long as Nicole and I. To me this is an excellent example of how marriages are supposed to work. You don't just give up when something goes awry. If, after all attempts at rebuilding what was there prior to the affair fail, then I suppose we will have to examine that sad option. I can safely say that my wife, has been to me, the most loving person I have ever known in all of my life. I guess what I am trying to say here is that I am glad that some college kid that has no real clue about life or love or marriage and committment, came to my wife and introduced her to some of "the guys" that she knows. I think that you need to research a little more about the ability to get past adultery, and the outcome of marriages that survive. If you add these findings to your paper, you might help those that read it, as well as yourself, realize just what marriage is all about.<P>Arik

Arik,<P>those were the most wonderful words and feelings about Nicole that I have ever seen you post.....<P>would you please do a total stranger a favour??<P>go back and read them again....<P>that was really nice......<P>please, Arik, have a really good day....<P>Dylan

Quick Question,<P>Nicole & Arik are working on rebuilding their life for their own sake and because they love each other, even if you don't believe so<P>Check the roots of the term "adultery" that you use for your research and you'll find out that it has the same origin that " adulterate" (to contaminate, to pervert, to debase, to pollute, to infect, to taint), not the same origin than "destroy", in this case it means that it changes a marriage- although destructive, "adultery" doesn't have to kill a marriage: it actually could be a big opportunity to improve it.<P>In your research read other sites on this web site and find out about people's emotional needs- it could also help you in real life when you decide to marry someone, look for practical lessons from real people and not just for an "A" in theory.<P>Most people here love their spouses deeply and believe that is worth to try to turn things around because of that love.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Being a better Arik,<P>Don't let the little things bother you. Of course you don't have Nicole's trust. But, your observation that you never will is still quite premature. You yourself are saying how much you miss Chrissie and hoping that she will contact you. <P>You need to reread all of Harley's tecniques and decide if you are willing to follow them or not. We all have (and experienced) DENIAL.<P>The best place you could possibly be is by Nicole's side. If that means while you are on the computer sobeit. <P>I from 15 months of working through this, and I know ther is no place better to be than by my W's side.<P>Now I was not the betrayer however my W has come to realize the same things. It took us quite some time and it will most of us. It is still the right thing to do.<P><BR>Best Wishes Arik

QQ:<P>No chiding here, just a note:<P>I remember when I used to think that I wouldn't "put up" with a wife who had cheated. I remember thinking that if she ever had the "nerve" to do that to me, I'd drop her like a hot potato. I didn't <I>need</I> that!<P>Well, that was before I actually went through it. It's easy to think you would or wouldn't do something <I>IF</I> a situation like this arose in your marriage. It's quite another to actually <B>live</B> through it.<P>I still have to chuckle softly when I hear people say "I'd NEVER let him get away with cheating on me!" or "If she ever slept around on me, I'd punt her so fast it would make her head spin!" Those people just don't know what it's like. They haven't gone THROUGH it. They haven't felt the pulling on both sides -- the anger and desire to punish, yet at the same time, the fear and pain of losing the one you love the most.<P>I guess I could have "punted" Petunia, but when it came down to it, that's not really what I wanted. Maybe I do deserve a wife who didn't cheat, but ya know what? I deserve to have the wife I want. And I have her. AND -- my wife deserves a husband who can show ultimate forgiveness.<P>The same holds true for Arik and Nicole. Nicole hasn't "punted" Arik because she knows what she wants. Maybe Arik doesn't know what HE wants, but at least he's man enough to stick around and TRY to work it out.<P>THIS ISN'T ABOUT PUNISHMENT. IT'S ABOUT REBUILDING.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>