This is the letter I composed for the OW. I know it is totally wrong and filled with way too much information and emotions. I'll not send it unedited but here it is:

Hi OW

I know you and my husband is having an affair. I knew it right from the beginning when he first met you in Spain. I sensed it through his phone calls and my intuition proved to be right.

When H came home from his trip he was very sweet and caring – after being home one hour we had great sex as always and the next couple of days were wonderful. After 5 days I asked him – “did you fall in love with OW? And did she fall in love with you? Did you have sex?” I insisted and finally he told me the truth. “yes”, “yes” and “yes”.

I was devastated even though I knew the answers in advance. H and I have been married for almost 14 years – I’m sure he told you he wanted to call it quits for a long time, but it’s not true. We’ve had some bad times but mostly our marriage and affection has been great.
We have a 13 year old son and he loves his dad. Imagine what kind of grief and sorrow he’s going through right now…
If you are coming to Denmark this summer as Jens admitted to me you are planning to – what do you expect? Are you going to live here forever? I don’t think so! All that is going to be achieved is H ruining his family and his life and eventually you’ll have to return to Australia. This fantasy dream relationship of yours will not survive in the long run

I love my H with all my heart and I will continue to do so in the future.
I want to rebuild our marriage when this affair has ended.
I’ll ask you to step back and have no further contact with my husband in the future.

Peace and understanding goes in your direction…
"my name"

DW, I think it's a wonderful letter.

I wonder if it would be reasonable for you to add something about how torn, angry and unhappy he is. Perhaps Cerri can answer this one.

Do send it.It will make you real to her. It's harder to do this to a 'real' person.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: mammaluc ]</small>

I agree DW send the letter I think I told you before that I sent an e-mail to the OW in response to one she had sent my H and I found it. A few months later when I did talk to her on the phone after finding her # and wanting to know if my H was still in contact with her I asked her about the e-mail. She told me she did recieve it and read it but just did not know how to answer it I believe it was for that very reason I became real, a loving, hurting wife not the picture my H painted. Remember he had to make you and your M seem less than what it really is or how could he justify what he was doing. Stay strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I too sent a letter to the OW. She was a &#8220;good friend&#8221; (the wife of a couple we were very close with). She wrote a very brief note to me shortly after D-Day apologizing for hurting me and the loss of our friendship. I was incensed by it; it felt like she was sorry for being late to lunch, or some other minor transgression. A couple of months later I wrote to her expressing in no uncertain terms how much her deceit and betrayal devastated me. I expressed my shock at her disregard for all our children, and I appealed to her conscience to give us the space to try to heal our marriage. I doubt my letter did much good at the time (she told her H that she was she was disgusted by my &#8220;moral high ground&#8221;). But I do hope that it made her think about the consequences of her actions and the devastation she was party to. I hope it helped shine some reality onto her totally unrealistic view of what she and my husband had done (they were &#8220;passionately in love&#8221; so supposedly that made it acceptable in their eyes). And it definitely made me feel better, to express my feelings toward her. After all, she was no stranger; we had shared a lot together as families and we were supposedly good friends. I have no regrets for writing to her. I still feel it was the right thing for me to do.

Me - BS (Female, 45)
WH - 51
2 kids (D-13, S-10)
6 mo. A with wife of a couple we were very friendly with
D-Day - 1/2/03 (her husband found out and revealed it to me)
Limited contact w/ OW since
WH now feels he needs &#8220;space&#8221; but has finally agreed to MC

Hi DW...

I think your letter is excellent. You could add something about how you are feeling... hurt, scared, angry, abandoned, whatever fits. And then here.....

I love my H with all my heart and I will continue to do so in the future.
I want to rebuild our marriage when this affair has ended.

I would say that you you can't restore your marriage as long as she is in the picture.And that you are willing to do whatever it takes to be the wife he has always wanted, and to make the marriage a wonderful place for both of you. And then your next line....

I’ll ask you to step back and have no further contact with my husband in the future.

.....is fabulous.

Those are my only suggestions. I think you did a really good job of letting her know that you know about the affair, that you love your husband, that you want to save your marriage, and that she is in the way of that happening. I really like that you are respectful and courteous. Nice job.

C

BS in NE....

I doubt my letter did much good at the time (she told her H that she was she was disgusted by my &#8220;moral high ground&#8221;).

Un-beee-leee-va-bull!!! I am always amazed at the gall of people in affairs. "High moral ground," that's a good one.

C

Thanks!!! There's a 'but' though... should I still send it now that my H has moved out (and was glad to do so)?
He 'know' he love OW and she loves him.

I know it would make me feel better but will it help me get my H back? I'm not so sure. Maybe it'll be a HUGE LoveBuster...

She'll tell him about the letter of course and he will withdraw from me even more.

???

There's a 'but' though... should I still send it now that my H has moved out (and was glad to do so)?
He 'know' he love OW and she loves him.

Absolutely. Even more reason to send it. You should also be telling everyone you know about the affair. Harley says, "put it on the evening news." He and she need to know how their actions are affecting you.

I know it would make me feel better but will it help me get my H back?

You have to think in terms of ending the affair. At this point that is your one and only goal. That's what Plan A is all about... it's a strategy to end the affair. Your husband can't even think in terms of coming back as long as he is actively involved with her. It's an addiciton.

I'm not so sure. Maybe it'll be a HUGE LoveBuster...

Whoa!!! A love buster?? Of course not. A love buster is NOT something that makes your spouse unhappy. If that were the case then many instances of radical honesty would be love busters, and they're not. I may not like to hear that my husband is unhappy when I lose my keys or leave my shoes in odd places.... but NOT telling me would be the love buster.... not the irritation I might feel from hearing it.

A Love Buster is a habit that harms the marriage. Harm is quite different that discomfort or pain. The love buster that's occuring in this situation is the affair... not you doing all you can to end it, or being honest about how you feel about it.

Did you read my Plan A stuff I posted to you and others on my thread late last week? Go back and read it again, or let me know if you want it copied here. Plan A is not about being a nice person. Plan A is about ending the affair and enticing your spouse back into the marriage. PART of that is about being pleasant and caring, but only part. And if you do just the pleasant and caring things you are not doing Plan A. You're enabling.

She'll tell him about the letter of course and he will withdraw from me even more.

He might. In fact, it's quite likely that he will. You have to think in terms of the bigger picture. The letter will introduce into their relationship the explicit knowledge of what their actions are doing to you. That is something they can never un-know no matter how much they try to deny it. It creates conflict and removes some of the connectedness they feel.

In dealing with a spouse's affair it is essential to realize that you must do so using intellect rather than intuition and instinct. Those things that serve us (women in particular) so well most of the time will lead you down the path to failure if you use them in dealing with infidelity.

C

Hi cerri.

Thanks again. I'm having a trouble recognizing the differences between annoying behaviour and LB's!

After work my H came to the house to collect some stuff of his. I asked him for his key to the car (which is mine) and he gave it to me. Then he asked me to return my card to his bankaccount and I gave it to him.
Then - LB??? - I asked him for the key to the house... he asked me to be fair and let him keep it - "of course" I said "no problem - but will you please knock next time you come around instead of walking right in?". I was polite and nice but the cold distance between us hit me in the face.

See - I can't tell or feel the difference! I feel that every little thing I do or say is annoying to him. If I'm sad it annoys him. It annoys him when I'm cheerful. No matter what I say or do he's acting either like he want to say "nothing you do makes an impression, I don't care" --OR-- "I dislike what you say/do".

It's very frustrating.

Hi, I too just sent my ex-best friend a letter confronting her on her actions and help in destroying my 15 year marriage. Did it help? I dont know, I dont think so, but I did send a message to her and my husband that let them know that the pain they have caused our family will not be hidden or not talked about.

At this time, the husband has gone completly hostile on me and we cant talk with out him calling me a name or talking to me like I am ****.

I am glad that I sent it, I knew that that would be the only way to confront without going to jail and I never cursed her. I also let her know under no uncertain terms that I do still love him and if he decides that he wants to work on our marriage then I will be here to do just that.

Thanks.
I wish some people who had positive results after sending a letter to the OW would write here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm still not sure I'll send the letter - if it will help me or destroy H's feelings for me completely - but here is a slightly edited one:
I wonder if it's better?
------------------------
Hi OW

I know you and my husband is having an affair. I knew it right from the beginning when he first met you in Spain. I sensed it through his phone calls and my intuition proved to be right.

When H came home from his trip he was very sweet and caring – after being home one hour we had great sex as always and the next couple of days were wonderful. He told me he loved me.
After 5 days home I asked him – “did you fall in love with OW? And did she fall in love with you? Did you have sex?” I insisted and finally he told me the truth. “yes”, “yes” and “yes”.

I was devastated even though I knew the answers in advance. It broke my heart! I have never been so sad in my life. You couldn’t even begin to imagine how much I’ve cried.

H and I have been married for almost 14 years – I’m sure he told you he wanted to call it quits for a long time (I think it would be natural for him to do so in order to justify the affair to himself and to you), but it’s not true. We’ve had a few difficult times in our relationship but mostly our marriage and affection and love for each other has been great.

We have a 13 year old son and he loves his dad. Imagine what kind of grief and sorrow he’s going through right now and in the future…

If you are coming to Denmark soon as Jens admitted to me you are planning to – what do you expect? Are you going to live here forever? I don’t think so! I believe all that’s going to be achieved is H ruining his family and his life and eventually you’ll have to return to Australia.

H moved out yesterday on my request. He’ll be living in his mothers basement for some time.

I love Jens with all my heart and I will continue to do so in the future.
I can't restore my marriage as long as you are still “in the picture”.
I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be the wife Jens loves, and to make our marriage a wonderful place for both of us.

I’ll ask you to step back and have no further contact with my husband.

Blessings and understanding goes in your direction…
H’s wife
"My name"
-----------------------------------------

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Danish:
Thanks.
I wish some people who had positive results after sending a letter to the OW would write here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm still not sure I'll send the letter - if it will help me or destroy H's feelings for me completely - but here is a slightly edited one:
I wonder if it's better?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your letter is great.

How do you define positive results? Will it make him come running home? Probably not. Will it introduce some conflict and some guilt into their relationship. Almost certainly.

You have to keep your mind on the goal.... which is ending the affair. There is nothing you can do to restore his feelings for you as long as she is in the picture. It's just not realistic.

Once the affair is over you can work your little fingers to the bone recreating the feelings he once had for you. Don't put the cart before the horse. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

C

Ok, thanks cerri.

I posted the E-mail 2 minutes ago. Lets see what happens next.

I've come to the point where I feel I have nothing to loose and everrything to win so I'll just do what ever it takes to be honest and constructive.

Keeping you in my thoughts!!! Remember it might look worse for a while, that would be expected. If they get angry and lash out at you it shows you hit the mark somewhere.

Stay calm, stay pleasant, and continue to reiterate that you love your husband, you want to save your marriage, and you will do whatever it takes to be the wife he's always wanted.

Here's some rules of mine that you might want to keep in mind:

First rule of what to know when your spouse is having an affair:

Your emotions and your instincts will lead you the wrong way 99.9% of the time.

First rule of what to do when your spouse is having an affair:

Ignore almost all of what they say they want from you, how they feel about what you are doing to fix the marriage and any talk about it "being over, get over it."

You cannot base decisions about what to do on either of those things. Neither is objective and both are destined to fail.

Keep us up to date!

C

Clever words cerri.
I'm a bit worried about the "Keeping you in my thoughts !!! " though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't expect to get any sort of reply from OW but when she tells WS about the letter I expect him to react with anger (most likely) towards me. Did I do the right thing? Only time will tell <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />