i posted a while back and have spent time reading through the website. I found out my H was having an A with a co worker. this has been about a month ago, he apologized and i have bought it up a few times each time leading to no resolve, finally he says he knows he was wrong, but can't talk about it all the time and doesn't know what to do about making me feel better. I still do know if it is over, my H has never been a good communicator. things for us seem normal now from his side, but i constantly think about the A and i think about why he did this to me. i can't get past the A, because there are so many unanswered questioned.
we can't talk to each other about it, because we get no where. I want to talk to him today, i need answers, any advice on how to get them. btw, he says the a was not sexually, but would have been if i had not found out. Help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You must calmly talk to him and tell him that it is very important for you that he answer all your questions regarding his A, emphasizing that is is NOT for the sake of punishing him with painful reminders, but for your understanding of his mindset before, during and after the A, and ultimately regaining your trust that he will never again fall into another one. And if he can't or won't, then the marriage is in danger of eventually ending.

He also needs to undertand that people fall into A(affairs) because they cross boundaries (i.e. spending more time with a member of the opposite sex other than his/her spouse; drinking and socializing after work with A enabling co-workers; having a friendship with an acquaintance that is or has had an A and induces spouse to have one; confiding personal info to an OP instead of his/her spouse).

Just as healthy people can get sick if they don't take care of themselves, so do happily married people can fall into A's if they don't take care of themselves by crossing relationship boundaries (Dr Harley said this in a recent interview on a recent series of newspaper articles on infidelity).

I hope this helps you.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 09:21 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

lisa,

Spouses don't want to talk about As because it is embarrassing and a source of guilt. They aren't willing to face the implications of what that means about them, or the pain that it is causing their partner. If you don't know if the affair is over...then assume it isn't and that it is a real and ongoing threat to your marriage. You deserve compensation and a plan for recovery after your H has had an affair, but unfortunately it's hard to get that while an affair is ongoing or a spouse is unwilling to talk about it.

Under these circumstances....you should be in a Plan A which has very specific guidelines and should be followed to the letter. Any LBs will derail your efforts and send him deeper into the affair.

Coffee-
I am going to try to have that calm conversation today. In your post, you mentioned friendships with someone who has or is having an A. This is true, part of me finding out about the A was an email my H sent to his friend who was also bragging about his A.

I want to try counseling, he says that he will go but i do not believe it. I want honesty from him and I am not sure how to get it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I read your posting and you are me 8 months ago. Although I have since found out that he did continue when I thought it was over and then just two months ago it became sexual. I caught them at a hotel. We were a very stable family I thought prior to this. He would not answer my questions the first time either. He would say just stop we can't talk about it. We need to just try to go on. It makes it worse to keep bringing it up. That is wrong. Now I have caught him again and its worse when sex gets in the mix. He now is talking about it. Answerring all my questions freely. I have also told the other womans husband and family. It was also a past co-worker. He said he felt like he was growing apart from me although I didn't know because he doesn't communicate either. Just be careful. It hurts again also. Have you told the other party if they are married spouse? I wish I had in the beginning. Good LUck and it hurts a long time. I am going to go get the book Surviving the affair and see if I can begin the process. We are trying again and it is a different try. He doesn't get upset with questions.

my gut tells me because he won't talk that it is not over. i can see it in his face. not talking about it is worse. any advice, is it better to separate ?

It might be helpful if you tell him that YOU CAN handle the truth, no matter how ugly it is, and that you will NOT rip his head for being open and honest with you. He has to feel safe that he is not going to get punished for being honest and if you can convince him of this, then there's a good chance that he will open up to answering your questions.

The only times a separation should be implemented is if there is violence in the home, OR when you decide that it's time to go into Plan B. As Dr Harley has stated, the danger of separation is that it may become permanent, and unless you can live with that possibility, it is not wise to separate just yet.

<small>[ June 09, 2003, 06:14 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>