My wife and I have been married for 20 years this year. I was 19 and she was 24 when we got married. I was a very protected “mama’s boy”. WS has recently told me that early on in the M, she realized that she had married a “boy” and began treating me like a mother would, instead of like a wife. She would follow me around and redo the chores I would perform. They weren’t done “right”. She would perform little tests like leave the clothes out to be folded, just to see if I would do it. Of course, this irritated me, so I wouldn’t. Then my daughter was born…with difficulty. WS began spending all of her time with the D and none with me. Gradually over the years, I withdrew into the TV and recliner, while she raised our D. She stopped telling me about events that were happening, assuming I wouldn’t go, and we grew apart. Dday was May 4, 2003. The A stopped immediately and no contact has been made between WS and OM since. It had been going on for 4 years. I, of course, was devastated, but more importantly, I was not angry or confused. I almost immediately realized just how much I love WS and also saw exactly what went wrong. I have been reading posts for about 2 weeks now and am a little confused. All of the BSs talks about the bad feelings they have after Dday, and I had some too. However, my feeling is that the A was merely a result of the problems in the marriage. I don’t feel any worse about the A than my withdrawing from the world. I have completely forgiven her and have no problems talking about the A and her feelings toward the OM. This seems to contradict most of the posts in the board. Has anyone else had an easier time with the A than with the causes of it? Or am I just kidding myself and it will hit me later?

For the past month, I have been the most attentive father and husband, hugging and kissing the WS at every opportunity. However, she refuses to respond and actually says she feels guilty because she can’t respond to my affections. I don’t know whether to slow down, temporarily stop or continue showing affection toward her.

I am having a very difficult time convincing her to commit to trying to reconcile. She says that she can’t promise me anything because she doesn’t know if it will work. Am I trying this too soon?

She is also being very careful about everything she says and does, trying not to hurt my feelings or give me “false hope”. I really would like her to speak to me without trying to spare my feelings. I figure the worst thing she can tell me is that she wants me out of the house, and I am already prepared for that possibility. Are there any suggestions for convincing her that honesty is better than protecting my feelings?

I guess I am needing some assurances I am heading in the right direction and that patience is the key now. I really want to stay with my wife and daughter and I really love them both.

First off, glad you found this site, it does contain some great and helpful information.

I can't say I felt like you did, as the pain of what happened was painful, and I do think eventually it will hit, you, but then again maybe it won't.

Consistency is the key to the change and the new you. My WS saw the change in me, but was afraid I could not do those things over the long haul. So she waited to before she let her feelings and emotions show.

The only promise I received was the agreement to work on the marriage, but I felt that it was a weak commitment. So I just kept on doing the things Hurley talks about, and the things I knew my W was looking for. It takes time; things don't work as fast as we want them to. In my case it was about 14 months. She is finally coming back around, and like a lot of couples on this site; I feel our marriage is growing stronger every day.

As far as suggestion about her not protecting you, Hurley has a section here about telling the truth even if it hurts. Protecting someone else feelings is difficult for someone to do, because they do not really know how the other person feels.

Have you gone to any counseling? If you have not, you need to find a good counselor, one that believes in keeping the marriage together.

You need to get some of the books most people talk about, Surviving the Affair, and His Needs, Her needs. Those will help as well.

Best to you.

Hi Western:

First off, I'm very sorry you've found a reason to join this group.

On the other hand, it sounds like you've identified some problems in your marriage and you're willing to work on them -- that's a good portion of the battle right there. There is hope!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by western:
<strong>I was a very protected “mama’s boy”. WS has recently told me that early on in the M, she realized that she had married a “boy” and began treating me like a mother would, instead of like a wife.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

I'm not going to harp on this, because you've said you've seen the problem in this. It does sound like I have something in common with your wife, though, and that is the emotional need for a partner who shoulders their part of the day-to-day tasks of life.

My husband didn't do a very good job of that, either, and I distanced himself from him because of it. And he didn't care for that, so he pulled away, too. And so on and so on around that mulberry bush. It's a stupid dance.

Like your wife, I, too, had an affair. And though I can't speak for my husband with 100 percent certainty, he's also said that what hurt him more was the breakdown of the marriage, rather than the actual affair. He's said, and I agree, that the affair was a painful symptom of a nasty disease.

That said, the affair MUST end before any real work on the marriage can begin. You say your wife has made the decision to end it -- another point in your favor as a couple.

So, anyhow, no, I don't think you're the only one who has felt that way. But being the one who strayed, I'm perhaps not the best one to answer that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I almost immediately realized just how much I love WS and also saw exactly what went wrong.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Again, here's a positive. But it's equally important for your wife to realize how she contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. Has she talked about that at all?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I have completely forgiven her and have no problems talking about the A and her feelings toward the OM. This seems to contradict most of the posts in the board. Has anyone else had an easier time with the A than with the causes of it? Or am I just kidding myself and it will hit me later?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

There's no right or wrong way to feel. Just acknowledge your feelings and don't stuff them away because you think they're too angry or too bitter. If you feel angry, then by god, be angry! But if you have made peace with it, then accept that as a gift, too.

Also realize, as the earlier poster said, that your emotions can and do change. So, at some point, if you start to feel angry, accept it. It doesn't mean you're going backwards (it might even mean you're making progress). Don't beat yourself up for not feeling the right way about this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
For the past month, I have been the most attentive father and husband, hugging and kissing the WS at every opportunity. However, she refuses to respond and actually says she feels guilty because she can’t respond to my affections. I don’t know whether to slow down, temporarily stop or continue showing affection toward her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

We went through this for a while, too. For my part, I didn't feel worthy of his affection. Exactly like she said, I felt guilty. Guilty because I couldn't return the affection honestly, guilty for what I'd done, guilty for hurting my husband and guilty for dumping the other man. This went on for the better part of a month or so.

I will tell you that I eventually found my way out of that hole with the help of my husband's love, not in spite of it.

My advice comes only from my own experience, and it might not apply to your wife. Back off? Physically, yes, a bit. Friendly (not sexual) touching was good, sexual advances werent.

Back off emotionally? No. I might still be lost if he had done that. It was an act of great courage on his part, and I will be forever grateful to him for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I am having a very difficult time convincing her to commit to trying to reconcile. She says that she can’t promise me anything because she doesn’t know if it will work. Am I trying this too soon?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

No, absolutely not.

Again, like your wife, I was skeptical of my husband's efforts to change. Our lease was expiring and I told him I wanted us to live apart (we now live kitty-corner from each other; apart, but close enough to spend time together each day). In the past two months, I've seen him make so many good changes -- he's taking care of his finances, taking care of his home. It's dawned on me finally that I underestimated him to begin with.

So, keep with your program. Keep being the man you know you can be. The more dedicated you are to improving yourself, the harder it will be for her to ignore it.

And, god forbid, if it doesn't work out, you'll still be a stronger person for it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
She is also being very careful about everything she says and does, trying not to hurt my feelings or give me “false hope”. I really would like her to speak to me without trying to spare my feelings. I figure the worst thing she can tell me is that she wants me out of the house, and I am already prepared for that possibility. Are there any suggestions for convincing her that honesty is better than protecting my feelings?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Tell her what you just told us, if you haven't already. If she's like I was, her thinking probably isn't too clear at this point. You might have to repeat yourself over and over to get the message to sink in.

And yes, be prepared for the possibility of separation. I can tell you from my life that even that isn't necessarily the end. Don't give up!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>
I guess I am needing some assurances I am heading in the right direction and that patience is the key now. I really want to stay with my wife and daughter and I really love them both.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From what you've described, I have a lot of hope for you and your family. You've committed yourself to working on your marriage, and she apparently hasn't given up hope yet, either.

My husband doesn't hang out here, but I've told him about your post. He's willing to talk to you if you want to email him. I can forward your email to him if you send it to me at cosmovanb@yahoo.com

I hope you find the encouragement you need and deserve. I think you're on the right track.

And don't forget 'Love Busters', a must have in your library. This book deals with overcoming the habits that destroy romantic love like selfish demands, angry outbursts, dishonesty, disrespectful judgements, independent behavior and annoying habits. Avoiding them will plug any holes in your W's love bank, and all the love units you deposit (by fulfilling her emotional needs) could eventually reach the point of her falling in love with you again.

Western,
I'm so glad you posted this. Your marriage sounds alot like mine....through the years my husband withdrew to the recliner and we spent very little time together. I kept myself busy with my children....years of swimming lessons, school related activities, cheerleading, etc....finally a wedding. Then....there was not much left, so I became involved with a good friend....it started on the computer.

My husband has reacted to the A alot like you...although very hurt, it is like he wants to 'get over' it...and not hash out the issues. We are working on our marriage, but my greatest fear is that things will go back to how they were before...and we will stop communicating again. Good luck with your recovery, Diane

Thanks for all of the help and encouragement. Some of you had some questions.

mesoftball - We have not gone to a MC because at this point she refuses to go, because "it is none of their business". For now, I will respect that, but occasionally bring it up. I think that it might be best to wait on that until she is out of the fog.

wiegee - She has mentioned some things and asked me to make her a list of things I thought she needed to work on. She has done a good job of trying to do them, but we haven't talked about them since then.

diane1223 - One difference between me and your H is that I do eventually want to "hash out" the issues that can be resolved. I don't care anything about placing blame, because we are both equally at fault, nor do I want to discuss things that cannot be changed. But changes need to be made by both of us and the best start is to discuss them.

As I am sure most of you went through, I was skeptical about posting my story on here. I have been reading the posts for about three weeks now and found lots of encouragement and understanding...and no judgement. Yesterday was not a good day. It was my birthday...a very hollow one at that. I was feeling a little down and you people gave me the encouragement I really needed. Thank all of you so much!!!