I have visited many times to get strength here. I am so afraid to act on my H affair that I keep avoiding it. He gets to play the great dad and travel for work seeing OW and I get left in the cold. Is limbo better than action? I don't know when the ball starts rolling if I can stop it.

Marie
I am so sorry you are going thru this and to have to prentend you dont know. Must be awful. Sometimes it is easy to pretend and turn a blind eye to things that are unpleasant, but you ask if its ok for him to have his cake and eat it to if I am correct...IM just a beginner,but I can tell you this you are worth more than you are feeling right now this moment.

I think the real question is "is this how you want your life and marriage to be?"
Fear is a powerful enemy, but it can be defeated.

Thanks for those true words. I know I am worth it but to keep a happy face on for my 3 kids is more important. Isn't it? I could not bear bringing that pain into their lives.

They have no idea something isnt right? I know this hurts like he@@ but again, what do you want from life, what is it you desire and what do you feel is your self worth? Do you deserve this ? You can control the amount of knowledge the kids have,and yes their happiness is very important. These things only you can answer. I wish I had a magic answer .I dont. I think in some way we all pretend to not know or notice because we just cant beleive someone we love so much and a friend who we have shared so much with could do this.IM here is you would like to share more. I can only give my experience and not much more but if it helps you in any way fel free to ask.,

I think I am hanging in here because the OW lives out of state and I think that she will get tired of his nonsense. The good old dependable wife who waited and kept life nice for eveyone will be here. Chosing to be old faithful one isn't flattering but I think it is a practical solution.I don't think he has the guts to ever leave this state, his own family, (dad, brother), and his job.

Why dont you look up the emotional needs questioaire? I know you dont want to share this with him and I havent told my husband about this site but I did get the questionaire and I did mention maybe we could look it over together but thats me. Fill it out for yourself and be honest with yourself. You are being hard on yourself for being reliable and dependable, Dont. Nothing to ashamed of youve not had the A. I have had some counseling and thanks to some people on this board I am going back.You need to get your feelings and thoughts organized, its hard when you are under this sort of stress. Keeping your family together is a thing to be admired in my eyes but you should think about your future and your childerns and you ws. Has this happened more than once? How are you handling knowing but keeping on a happy face? I dont think I could so I know you must be one strong person, if noone is the wiser.

You are very encouraging to me. I am handling it by staying very busy. After I found out about 2 years ago, I went and got my teaching degree. I thought that would work for myself and my kids down the road. Up to that I was working small part-time hours. Now I am about to begin full-time teaching in the fall. I think we avoid totally alone time, that's how big discussions don't get started. I know its fear, but I feel like I need to everything straight first before taking any action. I printed the questionnaire once. I'm going to get it out again. Thanks.

You know at first I didnt want to admit it mself. It hurt somuch I thought I if I could just lay down and die or perhaps just disapear everyone could be happy and I wouldnt have to deal with it.
Then I would look at my kids and think they didnt ask for any of this. It was so unfair. So I decided to admit my faults which something you have to do in order to get things going in the right direction. Then I started journaling and prayer. Support from our pastor and a counselor helped greatly.The hardest part was confronting and admitting to myself that the person who I thought could never ever do something like this did it. Then to face who the op was and put up with all the other things that have happened due to it has been he@@.
I came to this board at a really low time , started reading, Ive read everything I could,Ive posted which I think has helped me get things out.
Ihave posted my full story but I will one day I think it might help someone. If out of this mess I call my life I can help someone then its not a waste. I just posted a prayer on the prayer section read it if you like. But always remember noone will value you if you dont value yourself. For so long Ive been lost, I was the mother, the wife, the boss, the biz owner. But not me...Im finding me,During all of this I still havent been myself, but I am building on the good things from me and doing my best to improve me. I have withdrawn from people due to trust but I sat down this week and sent out 2 thank you cards to two very special people. People I had isolated myself from due to trust and afraid of the topic coming up or me crying. In the cards I told them I loved them, I missed them and how much I appreciated them. One received theirs yest and called me and told me they had tears in their eys and welcome back. Happiness is possible. But its gotta be for you,Id love to tell you everything will be ok and life is just ducky. I wont lie to you,there are times things suck but I will tell you this Ive made a decision, a conscience decision, i will once again be happy, I will do what it takes to make things right and I wont be ashamed to help others by tellingmy story I will hold my head high no matter how much it hurts me at times. keep reading on here and I believe you will find a strength inside yourself you didnt know was there. God bless ya and Im around if you need me!

well i just found out sunday. now he says he wants us to work things out but she still has to work with him. am i asking alot to say that can't happen. she has been kniving this for along time and my husband and i both fell for it. she almost had my husband convinved to leave me and his 4 children. how can i handle this????

HELP

i dont know your situation. It would be better if they didnt work together. The fact that he is asking to work things out is a plus. I know you are hurtting, is it possible for them not to work together???In my case we all worked together, needless to say she aint here no more.

You seem so strong now. Did you use Plan A? I am afraid my H would not chose me and the kids. Do you think posting here helps you and keeps your mind positive or does it allow you to keep rehashing and bring you down.

Sorry I was off work with sportting eventrs and still about to go to another...But I wanted to tell you to be sure and check in on monday. Im not sure what Ive been doing in many ways what I have been reading I was using plan a without knowing. SO its suffices to say if I didnt he sure didnt ...lol...he still isnbt aware Ive been reading in here I am however getting to a place I feel safe enough to share with him.
You call me strong...Thanks ..."that which doesnt kill us makes us stronger"I repeat that to myself alotttttttttttttttttttt...Please give me a update as to I have been thinking of you...

We too, have been in the middle of sports. I coach and so does he. We have that in common. I am glad you replied. I still am in my gathering info and what to do next phase. We don't discuss it but he also doesn't hide it. He scheduled a business meeting in her state at the end of July. They always tend to go over the weekend- how convenient. Tomorrow is Fathers Day, so it should be interesting. I am never nasty or mean to him so it will be another holiday as usual. Hope you have a great weekend.

OUr team came in 2nd in our area!!!wahhhh hhhoooo...Anyway , Marie how are things going for you? i can tell you this timne last year was a awful time for me. My kids hated him, I wanted to either hug him or choke him. I would be interested in knowing if there has ever been anything like this in his immediate family??Its kinda like the sins of the father revisted on his children..I have been doing some checking and things are adding up to me. Me and my ws have talked about the way the kids feel, we have started to talk about how we feel...In the past 3 weeks I have gotten stronger and more confident than the past year. Reading and jurnaling has really helped me.I can tell sometimes people do not know what they had until it looks like it may be gone.I have gotten alot of ideas from this site, search the differant topics and ofcourse counseling. i am talking to mine again.So i feel better. The church service this mornign was about what a father truely was. This was a service tha thit hard as it wasnt your typical sugar and spice and dad spend time...this was based on teh family unit and dads responsibilty to the mom an dthe kids. It was awesome! Giv eme a update , I have you in my prayers.

It sounds like your life is really in a happy place now. For me last night was bad. After losing in the playoffs , he said he is a failure at everything. I of course said no he was not "Look at the kids" the Team, etc. He said he can't take it anymore. I'm thinking like take what. He said he has no more to give, and I'm thinking "when where you giving". I said we should talk tonight -so I better get reading up on this site. Throw me any last minute advice before "the big talk". Thanks for your support.

Sounds like depression is sitting in. If you feel this is guine(sp?) feelings tell him the good things.But he has to be accountablke for the actions taken and the future actions he takes. You and your kids are his first priority ,which since he has had a A he lost sight of that but he can get back to where he needs to be. Ive been having a time with my daughter and Im about to get off work to go for round ???I cant even remember...its listed in recovery if you care to see the fun things I get tonight...lol...good luck Ill say a prayer