Its been over 6 weeks since Kim (my wife) told me she has been having a affair for almost a year(A week before our 26th ann.). The first couple of weeks we talked quite a bit between ourselves and family, friends, pastor, etc. Almost everyone said Kim needs to move out for awhile to think about things. I objected to that on the grounds that the "predator" was still out there. Well a little over 2 weeks into this Kim moves into an apartment and guess what: I now am lucky to see her even 15 minutes a day, plus a couple emails and maybe a small (2-5 minutes) on the phone. She spends all her non-working non-sleeping time with him helping him on his "farm" house he just bought/rents. That means 4-5 hours every evening and 10-12 hours each day on weekends. She says I wasn't showing her enough emotion, communication,and am too controlling (like wanting supper at 5:00 every day) and she isn't sure that I can change for her if she comes back. The womanizer (on affair number 13 for sure, some counts put it at 20) really has nothing to offer her, but he must know how to make women melt. Never seen this one coming, thats what everyone says I guess.Sure has me screwed up, before this she was the kind of woman who did for everyone else and had to be forced to buy new underwear and bra's for herself. Now it is all for herself and to h**l with everyone else.

Tim,

Welcome to the forum....wish you had found this place while she was still with you....but if you're ready to try and get your wife back...there are some pretty good plans that have proven successful on this site. If you can afford to call the Harleys...do so today. In the meantime...go and out and buy your new bible....it's called "Surviving an Affair" everything you need is right there...and we can help when things get tough. Don't give up...and stop listening to well meaning friends...they can't help you. Glad you are here. Keep posting.

click on the link in my signature line.

Hi, thanks for the response. I just just recieved book #4 of DR. Harley's. I have his needs/her needs, Surviving an affair, Love busters, and Give and take. Very good author and books. I am through 2 of the books already. Have a lot more free time on my hands now. I am learning a lot about relationships and myself reading them. Wish I would have read them before this happened, in fact I see things that can/could help almost every couple I know prevent future toubles, assuming I can get them to read the books or listen to the advice.

Hiya Tim....I felt like I have lost 15 years of my life thru my H's betrayal. My H was the perfect H and family man. Now, he could care less about the three of us. I put this down to selfishnes. Guess what Tim, and take this from me, I am in no way a professional or as wise as many of the individuals on here, but your W, well, her time will come and she will be just another passing fancy. When you are a BS, it doesn't seem like that happens fast enough (see Star, I do listen to every word you say!), but her time will come and if you follow the principals here on MB and take the advice of the seasons professionals like Star*Fish, John39, et al, you will get thru this. Trust me.

Tomorrow I have an appoinment with our counselor. Been another lonely no contact weekend. She knows I really pulled a muscle in my back and I asked her to stop by once in a-while to rub some thera-gesic on it for me and she said she would, guess what just like everything else I have asked her to do, she does just the opposite. I believe I am ready to go to plan B. Probably tomorrow. I will start by not stopping by before work (my whole 10-15 minutes a day I get to see her) and bringing her coffee, oj, and a homemade breakfast sandwhich. When I return from the counselor I will drop off the little letter I have wrote up (she will already be at his farm by then). It's going on week 7 since d-day come this tuesday evening. If anyone can give me a good reason why not to, I will listen. I know they say give it up to 6 months, but it seems like they are just getting closer and closer, while we are drifting farther apart.

Tim

Be carefull that you don't fan the flames. The folks here can give you advise from both sides af the affair. Please listen to that advise, it comes from experience of both success and failures.
I have been here long enough to see that those who follow the system used here generally end up in success. That is not to say that all do but the majority do. I also see that those who try to use only bits and peices generaly have a more difficult time. It's kind of like building a house and leaving the bathroom out. Don't do much cooking because there are eventual results that you are not prepared to cope with.

TIME. It has been six weeks since you found out about the affair that is a year old. It does seem like an eternity but you must understand that Kim just moved into a new stage of the affair by bringing it out into the open after a year of hideing. She is prepared to defend her position. Even when she begins to doubt her position it will be difficult for her to admit that she made a mistake, then defended it. If you try to push her to end it or pull her back into a relationship that she ran from you will only set yourself back to the beginning every time.

You have an opportunity to ananyze the reasons she was unhappy in your marriage and correct those things that were not meeting her needs. Without those changes her coming home will only be temporary. Don't even attempt to seduce her into returning to to same old way it was before, it won't happen. And I am sure you don't want it to.

You have to make the marriage more attractive to her than living with casanova. Show her that ther is a commitment on your part to have the kind of loving and happy marriage that fulfills all har needs. How does that kind of marriage come about? Taylor it to fit her needs as well as yours. You have the opportunity to do that now. Start working on you and prepare you to be a part of that marriage.

Like I said before you should follow the advise of the other folks here. They are a great deal better at giving advice than I am, and it is great advice that they give.

Here's hoping for you.

fudd.

I think plan B makes sense. Your wife has been having a sexual affair with this OM for over a year now. It sounds like what you are doing is in fact enabling her to continue her affair without consequences. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Hopefully plan B will open up her eyes somewhat. Otherwise she has become a cakewoman who enjoys having a lover who she has betrayed her husband with for over a year and having a husband who is seen as a safety net who is willing to accept anything and everything to get her back and continues to be at her beck and call. I think you have to do something or there is simply no reason for her to change her behavior. I wish you luck.

Sorry to hear what you are going through...I can totally relate because my wife pretty much said the same things about me. I however have only been married for 5.5 years Aug will be 6. I hardly ever see my wife & I only talk to her on the phone as well. So I understand how lonely you feel because I feel the same way. I found out one week ago today that she was having an affair, even though I had my instincts that something was wrong. Hang in there...I know how hard it is, hopefully she will come around.

Latest update. Yesterday (Sunday), she stopped by and I told her I thought she was lying to me about being at his farm and just painting, etc. with no contact. I told her from all the information I have read, she will lie in order not to "hurt" me. So I said, I can honestly say I have had no sex in the last six weeks, can you. She got real quiet. I waited a couple minutes and said I thought so. Then I said that was the one thing I thought you could never do to me or anyone was lie. She started crying. I let it be. I held her and said I cannot believe what you have become, dishonest, untrustworthy, etc. We talked normal stuff a little while longer and as she was leaving I asked for a hug and kiss, got them, then she started crying again. I said (since I have a real bad pulled muscle in ,y shoulder): I use reverse phsycology today, do not stop tonight on your way home from the farm and rub some thera-gesic on my shoulder. We both laughed and she said ok. I was already sleeping about 10:20 when the bathroom light went on, and there she was to rub some on. I struggled to get out of bed and she said, no I cannot stay, I said just a couple minutes, she stayed and I thankd her for stopping and she said I cannot stand to see you in pain. I said hmmm I better leave that alone (pain from this affair is what I was thinking). Had another hug and kiss and sent her on her way. I went to my counselor meeting today and she got to know me real well. She says she cannot force suggestions on people or make there minds up for them. She is real good at getting into a persons mind and figuring you out. She basically said if her going out to his farm and doing whatever bothers me, I should tell her about it and be firm. I told her that when ever I lay down the line Kim has been saying: then its over. Like I am pushing her into his arms. I aske Kim why she has to be out there all the time and she says she cannot stop herself. Pretty scary. So now I am wondering if I need to let the counselor dig at her a few meetings or plan b it. Whew really venting tonight, hehe.

Well I haven't stopped by her apartment the last 2 mornings. No emails either. Yesterday when I got home from work she was at the house mowing. I told her that mowing is my responsibility now and she didn't need to do it. She said she was just getting the front yard done before it rained (because of my screwed up shoulder/back). I thanked her, told her see ya later maybe and went into the house, no hugs, no kiss, just goodbye. She did not stop by later, like I figured she wouldn't, and did not stop or call this morning when I did not stop by her apartment before work. I told my son what was going on at this point and if his mom asked him if I was mad to be sure he tells her that I am disaapointed and hurting. Guess I am not really in a plan B or A, somewhere in between. She goes to see our counselor this afternoon. Would really love to be a fly at it to hear what goes on. I'm tempted not to take her breakfast tomorrow morning either. I kinda figure I have had the crap kicked out of me the last 7 weeks, while she is having the time of her life. I have been showing/telling her how much I love her and she cannot even seem to absorb any of it. I also mailed a basic letter to the OP telling him that I truly love Kim, that he is destroying my marriage, relationship, family and friendships. I am pretty much at the point of cutting off all contact with her, financial is coming next, unless someone can convince me as to why I should keep being a doormat and getting 10 minutes of her a day compared to his 4-5 hours a day where absolutely everything is just perfect.

Tim,

I think you should read up on Plan B and seriously consider implementing it. You have been in a plan A for awhile and the relationship continues. You won't talk her out of it, and you won't get her to leave him out of sympathy. Doing the victim things doesn't often work it seems. Not that you have, but you see what I mean.

Harley set up the plan a and plan B for a reason. You have read the books. I presume you have plan A'd in the sense that you have addressed the issues that your W didn't like, ended the LB's, and in general showed her that things can change with you.

If you have, then you will need plan B to keep the love you have left for her alive. It will have the added benefit of allowing some of the consequences of her decision to manifest themselves. That may well help end this affair.

But, as you probably already know, she and OM are the ones that have to end it, before you decide to end the marriage. You do have choices and continued contact with your W may hasten yours. So seriously consider Plan B.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL, I was thinking the same thing. Even though its only been 7 weeks since I found out, it has been going on for a year. This will be a tough one, but the pain of seeing her doing this sh** is driving me crazy.

Well got soft this morning and took breakfast to the wifes apartment. I sent a letter off to the OP and he received it last night. He showed it to the wife. It said that he is ruining my marriage, relationship, family and friendships. Also said I love Kimberly very much. The wife was acting cold this morning and mentioned the letter. Apparently he must have stepped back a little after reading it? Major LB? Not a good time for plan b letter. Hopefully I didn't make a major mistake.

The fact that you still want to bring her breakfast says your ole LB$ isn't depleted yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> In that case, you are not ready to Plan B yet, either.

Stick with Plan A, but don't bug her about A/OM.

You didn't think she'd be mad that you wrote to OM?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Don't worry about it, though. It makes you a real-live person to HIM, and puts a little "chink" in their R. Apparently he didn't like hearing what you had to say! (GOOD!)

CAUTION though: DO NOT continue to pursue them, thinking this will bust them up....all it's going to do is set you up as a "common enemy" that they must "fight" together.

You wrote him, you professed your love for your W. That was all good. Now let it be.

Continue to Plan A her when you can. Continue to be nice, see her in the am's, bring her breakfast, whatever you used to do.....

Most importantly, continue to improve YOU. Make Tim the BEST dam* person "Mrs. Tim" could ever wish to be with!!

Even tho the A is 1 yr old, it has only hit the light of day 7 weeks ago....it might still have a long way to go before it can begin to "die a natural death..."

Until that time, there's really not much you can do to make that happen. Plan A didn't do it, but you must Plan A for awhile, yet, I suspect.

JL is a wise ole sage <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Please listen to his advice to you, (altho I disagree with him that you are ready to Plan B yet).

Many here have been where you are. Help is here! All is not hopeless. Many have "recovered" from far worse than you have it.....please believe that.

Good luck, and God Bless,

Tim,

I think Lupolady misunderstood what I meant. I said you should read up on Plan B and start getting prepared to implement it. Preparing for Plan B and then executing is not something you do in a day. There is the issue of the plan B letter, there is deciding where you are at.

I will say that Plan B should be done long before your love for your W is gone. It is after all a plan to PRESERVE what love is left so that when the A does end, and most do, you will have enough left in the tank to try rebuilding.

Harley, states that one shouldn't wait too long to go into it, but before you do, you need to have done a good Plan A. It shows her you have and can change, it shows her you love her, and it shows her, that you are willing to wait. But, plan B says that this is hurting you and so you must withdraw your support of her, until OM is out of the picture.

Again, read, prepare, think, and be ready to execute it when you feel that she has seen your plan A and is on the fence. That is when plan B is most effective, when they are trying to eat their cake and have it too.

By the way, you don't have to have her commenting on your changes for your Plan A to have its affect. More than a few posters here have stated that their WS stated AFTER the affair was over that the plan A did make the difference because while they didn't acknowledge it they saw the BS trying and changing.

So don't be discouraged, this thing has a long way to go to play itself out. Just do your best NOT to run out of love for her, before the affair ends. That is the major purpose of Plan B.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Lupolady, "wise ole" ??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I beg your pardon. I am not WISE. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tim Foster:
<strong>... The wife was acting cold this morning and mentioned the letter. Apparently he must have stepped back a little after reading it? Major LB? Not a good time for plan b letter. Hopefully I didn't make a major mistake.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL,
The fact that Tim wrote this led me to believe he was contemplating moving to Plan B now.

I agree, he should be reading up on - not only Plan B, but Plan A as well. This stuff isn't intuitive, so reading, learning and understanding is necessary to implement "the Harley method" impeccably (sp?).

Sorry if I misunderstood what advice YOU were giving!

Well I am preparing my short but to the point plan "b" letter to my wife. I have only one question, though. I will habe my son and his wife be mediators in this, but what happens in case of an emergency? Like say one of us ends up in an accident or whatever? I assume the line could be crossed by the other spouse? Thanks all, great and informative site.

Tim,

Of course the line can be crossed in an emergency. In fact, you might find your W has an "emergency" every now and then, and tries to contact you. At first, she will love Plan B. The pressure is off, she doesn't have to face you, it is GREAT.

But, a month or so into it, it will start to dawn on here that something IS missing in her life. The OM must now meet all of her needs. HE is her future and she will look at him differently. Odds are high that he will LB, and since she cannot blame it on YOU, then his LB's will start to drain her.

Then, is when the affair may end. It must end before you have a chance of recovery, and that is the essence of Plan b. To allow you to hang in there long enough for the affair to end, and give your marriage a shot at recovery.

You on the otherhand will feel awful when plan B starts. You will miss your W and talking to her even if it is only 15 minutes a day. But, gradually you will find it is more comfortable. You won't have her A in your face all of the time.

So plan carefully. Finish this up with a good Plan A, then make your move.

God Bless,

JL

Well the night before last Kim was to talk to me so I could get plan b started. This shoulder/back trouble (2 visits to a chiropractor, fell fairly good after I leave but one nights attempt to sleep puts it right back into he**) screwed that up. I was already sleeping when the phone rang at 11:00 and I new it was probably kim, so not thinking I attempted to get up from the couch too quick to answer before the answering machine picked up and you talk about pain. I missed the phone call, waited a couple minutes to see if it rang again, then laid back on the couch and sorta dozed off. A few minutes later I fell a peck on my forehead and here is Kim standing there. I say hi and attempt to reach up with my right arm (same side as injury) and da**, talk about feeling like being stuck by a knife or something, I do what I can to get sat up, the pain brings tears to the eyes and almost like a cramp or muscle spasm and I just know I have to stand up cause it seems to feel better. I am trying to get up through the pain and kim reaches down and grabs my left arm and helps pull me to my feet. Then she kinda hugs me lightly and we speak a couple words. Kim makes me take some more advil and a tylenol pm to help me get to sleep and says she has to go, but I am to email her in the morning to let her know how I feel. So my hopes were to spring it on her last night, but she never stopped by. She had to work this (saturday) morning. I almost got the feeling she really felt bad/sorry for me that night. I wonder if maybe since that was the first time she had really seen how screwed up this injury is if it gave her a change of heart a little. Makes me feel like a wus. I'll be 45 next friday and have never had anything like this before. So hopefully she stops on her way back from work this morning so I can get plan b rolling. I changed withholding from my payroll yesterday so she will get no money from me anymore.