Hi,
I just found out my husband has cheated on me. Which I had suspected for years. However, years ago I wanted to cheat on him because I have only had sex with a total of two men in my life. The first when I was 19, and the second my husband. We have been married 20 years. I want to know what other mean are like. Yet, because I did not want to break my married vows I did not do anything. Now that I've found out he has been having sex with another woman over a four year span, I feel that I will never be able to forgive him or move on unless I fulfill my need. Of course, he says he is so, so sorry for what he did, but my urge to be with another man has only become stronger. What shall I do?

Dear Patty:
You shall not have sex with someone other than your H! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Welcome to MB. Please take the time to read all the articles, do the questionnaires - even better have your H do them, too. Talk about them.

Is he still in contact with OW (other woman)?

Please remember, you are definitely not alone.
DB

As far as I know he is not in contact with the other woman, but they work at the same place. Why do men think its okay for them to cheat and experience other women, but women should only want to have sex with them. Women are expected to accept them when they get old, bald, flat behinds and beer belly's, but women are expected to look pretty, get breast implants and stay slim. I don't believe people understand what things are like until they experience it. For example, doing the affair I received what I consider mental abuse. He would try to make me think I was crazy and suspicous. He started arguements for no reason. He tried to make me feel guilty for not trusting him. He was constantly thinking of a way to throw things back at me. How would he like to constantly visualize me and another man having sex. How would he like to feel unwanted. How would he like to feel that if I did it once I'll probably do it again, and have to live with those thoughts. It seems that people get off far to easy for hurting others.

What are you and your H doing for marital recovery? Are you seeing an MC?

Have you done the EN questionnaires or read any books? I highly recommend Surviving an Affair (SAA) by Harley. It is available by clicking on the bookstore link at the top of this page. It will be very helpful to you. It was for me.

Are you avoiding Love Busters and trying to meet his Emotional Needs? These are important things to do to gain back love. He should be doing them as well.

Do you talk about the A much? That is important too. We sort of swept the first one under the rug but I am doing more to deal with this one and feel like we are processing it better.

Hopefully this will help you get started.

DB

Patty indulging in an A(affair) is like indulging in drugs. Do you envy and wish to emulate a person addicted to drugs? Of course not, then why envy and wish to emulate a person who indulged in such self destructive behavior like having an A?

A so called revenge A may help your wounded ego, but at what cost? Will you be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing full well that you helped destroy another marriage and family like your own?

<small>[ June 12, 2003, 09:36 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Patty as I read your post I can see you are hurting very much. It is normal to want to pay back some one who has hurt us but does this really solve anything? Two wrongs do not make a right. I know you have probably heard this before but it is so true. I would begin by asking why would you even want to be with another man? I have been with my H since high school I have never had the desire to be with anyone else,yes I am hurt I feel like he was going to abandon me I feel all the pain you do I ask why,how,and every other question you ask when you find something like this out. I even had thoughts of wanting to make him pay for what he did to hurt like I do but the truth is he IS hurting. He has to deal with what he did everyday. His A did not get him any further in life we are still married only now we have one more issue to work through. In the end we will probably have a much stronger marriage and that will be great but if he would have never made the choice he did we would not have this pain to deal with. I ask you are you in love with your husband? Is he meeting all your needs? Are meeting his? Think about these things not about being with another man.The grass is not always greener on the other side!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PP: The temptation for a revenge A is great, but everyone I know who had one has regretted it. I was tempted myself, but now that I have some distance from DDay, and understand what my wife went through, I would not trade places with her for any price. Click on the link in my signature line. You will find some tools to help you get on the path to recovery and a GREAT marriage. Once your marriage is great, you will find out what great sex is really like. If the marital improvements alone don't get you there, read "Passionate Marriage", by Snarch.

Hi Peppermint Patty,
I am going through something similar, and I know just how you feel. I've been married for a year, and just found out my husband had a one night stand while we were engaged. For a few days, I was in really bad shape. I still have no appetite, and can't sleep well. My husband and I want to work things out. First I had to know why he did it. Now I need to have my own fling. He knows this, and has agreed to it. Feel free to email me if you want to talk about it.

Sorry Orange, but I think that is completely the wrong answer. I used to be a college professor, and I ran an ethics quiz with my students. Suppose an employee steals $200. Is that okay? most people said no. But if the amount was $5 they wouldn't report them. How can that be? Wrong is wrong no matter what. You break your vows under any circumstance, you deserve what you get. That's my 2 cents.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by perfectpatty:
I feel that I will never be able to forgive him or move on unless I fulfill my need[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">when did you learn about his A?

maybe you should wait for a while and see if you have the same urge after one-two months
if you do - do it (but don't chose a married OM!!!)

that way you'll know much more
not only what other men are like (less or more it's the same;-), but do you really still love your H, or - probably your A will show you that it's just about nothing (empty at the end) and that there are much more important things (e.g. marriage)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong>PP: but everyone I know who had one has regretted it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not me
my A (after his) tought me so much
and helped me to understand him and our relationshio before his A
also, we are even now! so wa can go together to rebuild our M

he doesn't know and never will - because he never admitted his!
even again!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Guernica:

not me
my A (after his) tought me so much
and helped me to understand him and our relationshio before his A
also, we are even now! so wa can go together to rebuild our M

he doesn't know and never will - because he never admitted his!
even again!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow you never got all the facts and yet you are so certain that he had an A. What would you do if tomorrow you found out that he did not have an A? What then?

he HAD A
he's just that type he'd deny even if I saw him 'in flagranti' (having sex, in bed, with someone)

enough proofs!

you want me to imagine then what would I do?
that way, it'd be the last one;-)
(half)kidding... - I'd still have my experience and things A thought me (now I'm closer to him; if opposite it means we should D...)

Patty what happens if your fling becomes more than that? Is your H then going to be entitled to have another A to even out what your A had and his didn't? What you may beleive about being even, may not be the same for him.

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

it didn't happen, so - he's not got that chance

A destroys Rs they should really be gotten rid of, and rebuilds the ones they are strong to resist;-)

don't think i'm covinced i'm right
but it was right for me

so far

I posted before your correction (asking Patty)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guernica:

"it didn't happen, so - he's not got that chance"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are so absolutely sure of that, aren't you? what if he DOES find out? Are you ready for the consequences?

am i sure? - I KNOW that my fling didn't become more than that (wasn't intended either)

if he finds out?
even again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (I found out without him telling me)

of course I'm ready for consequences!
(was ready before A)

yes, everything has a price and I always pay
he should do the same, and that was ONE OF consequences he 'earned'...