Hi all! I am new here and am a bit nervous, but I feel I need to "talk" or I am going to explode!!

About 2 1/2 weeks ago my H confessed to me that he had a PA with a client of his. I was absolutely devastated and I guess I still am. We have always been very close, loving, touchy-feely, etc. Yes, we have drifted lately, but he had always said he'd "never" do that to me since he saw the pain it caused in his own family growing up. Not that I am even trying to justify it, but for clarification there were just two episodes of inappropriate contact that went way beyond a clinician/client relationship. I told he he must be the dumbest man on earth to have an affair and never even get his clothes off!! I know, I was goading him, but I was so mad!! After that we had three days of hell. He wanted to move out, he wanted to figure out what he wants, etc.

I know I am still in the shock and anger phase here, but if I haven't walked out yet (been tempted and I guess only God knows why I am still here) then I think he needs to get his head out of his butt and make things right. We went to one couseling appt the week it came out (just 3 days after the most intimate contact so he was feeling guilty) but he had slammed up the wall and wasn't really "there". He lied through the session and was honest or genuine to me or himself. Luckily, that counselor didn't show up to our 2nd appt and we found someone new. We just saw her a few days ago and I guess it went ok, but I am floundering so much right now.

A few days after the confession his heart flooded with guilt and he made these elaborate plans for us. We spent a very sweet and romantic evening and talked through alot. Sitting at dinner we were discussing all the intimate details that I just had to know (??!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> and I felt a little better. The next day I went to his place of business with him and even saw HER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> We didn't speak, I just let my presence speak for itself, she already knew he told me what happened, just not with who at the time, but I think it was clear that I knew and I wasn't going to just fade away!

Sent the kids to grandparents, had a nice week, I guess the "honeymoon period" thinking, OK, we will get through this. It was so nice. We talked and were intimate on so many levels, it was a little awkward at times but still nice to have my husband back.

Fast forward to the day the kids came home. He got angry at me, sick of the questions (do you think she is prettier? do you really like those fake breasts? etc) and snapped. It was then taht he confessed that he had actually made a date with yet another woman the very night we had our first romantic evening. He had planned it the day before when he was angry, but had to break it the next day to take out his wife!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Of course the whole week I am hearing "no more lies" and I feel like he had a back-up just in case!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I was devastated yet again! Even though he had only two phone converstaions with this woman and had planned a date with ther, I feel she is an even bigger obstacle since he already had an EA with her in his head (and I sure he imagined that he would have sex with her as well). We have been bumping along but I caught him in a lie just a few nights ago when he called #2 "just to talk" saying he wanted to tell her why he broke the date??!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I got the number form the cell phone and told him to have no more contact with her or I would personally contact her and set it straight for him!!! He pleaded with me not to do that, but I am certain she has no clue who he really is or what is really going on. He told her we were trying to work things out (she only agreed to the date cause he told her we were separated which we are not, he spent just one night upstairs and out of the marital bed through all of this) but things "weren't going well". EXCUSE ME?! The only reason things aren't going well is he can't figure out what the he** he wants!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

In the first session with the new counselor he admitted that he still isn't sure *IF* he wants to stay married but made a commitment to work on it. He still tells me several times a day that he loves me and that I am still his best friend, but I feel this wall, a wedge that wasn't there before. I will be the first to admit I am acontrol freak and he says he just wants control over his life. What he doesn't understand is that if he doesn't get a grip soon life as he knows it will be over! I am trying to be patient and pray for patience and turn it over to the Lord, btu I am scared, anxious and angry!

Tonight he went out of town on a family obligation but took our oldest child with him. I do not have much concern that anything will happen tonight unless he calls someone. I will get into his phone logs and check again. Now as I sat to register for this forum I discovered he had chaged his email passwords. Now I have monitored fairly frequently and he hasn't had any email contact from either of them so why would he do this? He also started erasing his cell phone history when he comes home though the detailed bill will come out soon. I do not understand any of this since he doesn't seem to be doing anything else wrong, but still covering his tracks! After 12 1/2 years he ought to know me better than this. I have already changed one email password so he doesn't even know it (I know, I know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) and I then gained access to the other account. There is nothing there to hide, so why is he trying to?

He knows I have the power to ruin him and God help me I have been tempted so much. I have been by his side building this business with him and I am feeling pushed out and betrayed. He would probably at the very least have to move his practice and rebuild his clients if I went on some of the urges I've had. In his line of work trust is paramount and he blew it so badly! It would be so easy! Also, I want to expose him for the fraud he is to his family and friends. I know it is wrong, but I am being honest. Problem is I still love him, but if he continues to treat me this way I do not know what I'll do.

ANY words of wisdom would be appreciated here. I apologize for the long post! Thanks for listening!

PS: I shared with him some of these postings last night and he said something along the line of "I don't give a damn about those peoples problems, it has nothing to do with me"!

PSS: He took a sex addicts quiz (all on his own) and has decided he is a sex addict?!

Welcome to MB, I know right now you are very angry and that is normal. I would suggest reading about plan A. At first when I read about it I thought it did not seem fair because he cheated and I was the one going to be loving him to death with kindness, but after reading more indeapth on plan A and getting the book surviving an affair I have a new perspective on the concept. I would suggest you get the book right away you can order it on this site and you will recieve it very quickly that was great. Once you understand more about why people have affairs then it is easier to start to plan for your recovery. You said your H took a test and decided he was a sex addict,well Harley talks about affairs being like an addiction this helped me to deal with my H A because my H has a very addictive personality it is so easy for him to become addicted to one thing. Keep posting and reading, there are a lot of people here farther in thier recovery than I that will give you good advice and help you through this hard time. You are not alone and it helps when you know that you can vent and it is safe. Good luck to you I will check in from time to time to see how you are doing.

Thanks for the encouragement. I did finally speak to him (he was on the road of a 6 hour trip with his Grandma in tow or I would have called his cell and had it out!) Turns out he changed his passwords because they were "inappropriate" which they were, I had actually often asked him to since they were a crude sexual reference. It makes sense since I also found a deleted file on his computer with porn (not new, I knew about this already). Apparently he was trying to "clean up" his act a bit. He, too, has a very addictive personality and has always had extremes. There is alot to redeem here though, I haven't spent the last 12 1/2 years in pain and turmoil, we used to be very close and loving.

He assured me again tonight that he has had NC with her since just before our MC session this week. He says it and God help me, I believe him. He sounds more calm and less defensive. I printed out a bunch of stuff from this site and told him about it. He says he will read it tomorrow when he returns. I hope he does, cause so much rings true for us! I also have 1 Corithians 13 taped to the fridge with some favorite lines highlighted (it's the Love is patient, love is kind passage).

Just say some prayers for us, and I will too for all of you out there who I know are still also in incredible pain!

glad to hear things went a little smoother for you. It is so hard when anger takes us over. There are times I think like you I have the power to destroy the things that mean the most to him in his life.At those times I try my harderst to take a step back and think of my life without my H in it.I have always through thick and thin loved my H at times I ask my self why and especially after he told me of his A.But still I can not imagine going the rest of my life with out him,its hard for me to think that he could find some one and truely be compatable with them like we are.I don't know if it is because we have been together so long or if I am afaid of life without him but I do believe it is the love thing,I am still in love with him no matter how hard I try not to be I am.Take a deep look into yourself and your marriage and ask what I do,"Do I want to go through life with out him by my side,and in the process of hurting him how much will I be hurting myself"?

Please do not think that I am justifying affairs I am not by far this is the worst thing I have ever had to face in life,but I hope to become a better stronger person through it all and I don't want to lower my self to the level of a angry vengful hateful spouse.I think it is harder on him that I have continued to love him through it all than to hate him through it all!

Thanks for the reply. What's sad is I hear so much in you that I hear in myself. I cannot decide if I am super strong or super stupid!

He came home and shocked me by saying he was leaving. We "had it out", got kinda ugly around here. He said he needed time and I fired back that "what about my time?!" Leaving me alone witht three kids! Yeah, that's fair! I called my Mom and gave her a very short version of what was going on. I am not too close to her due to childhood abuses and I haven't told her a thing yet so she was shocked. Luckily she only lives two hours away and he actually drove me half way so our kids could get out of the middle for a little while. I do not want them to see us fight and if he leaves, they should nto be here. It will feel too much like he is leaving them too and I can't bear that for them! This way I have time, he has time, and they can not be dragged into any of it.

Wanna know something funny? I heard more confessions today, and I am still here! God help me! And you know what else, so is he although he made it clear he wanted to leave he is still here. I told him I will not stand in his way and I mean it. If he really loves me he'll be back. I don't want him here just half way! "If you love something set it free..." that is so much easier said than done!

God bless you all and keep you. I am still standing!

I am a little confused I think. Is your H still in contact with OW or not? He could be saying he wants to leave because that is easier than working through the pain.Remember an A is an addiction and there are real syptoms of withdraw after it ends. He may go through a depression mood swings and so on this is normal.

After reading SAA my H behavior after D-day made so much more sence to me.If you are going to be apart and you really want your M to work you need to make sure when you do talk that you reasure him that you love him and you want to do what ever it takes to work your M out. I know how angry you are right now there is nothing worse than that feeling of betrayl the feeling of "I put all I had into our M and she is going to reap the reward".Believe me I have had all the feelings thoughts and probably every fight there is to have about this the good news is most all affairs die a natural death.One or both people involved see it for what it really is a fantacy not reality and know that in the real world it won't work out how they would like to believe.Your H is in a fog right now when it lifts he will probably say what in the world have I done? Best of luck keep in touch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ps. you are lucky you have someone you can turn to I have had no one through this, my kids don't know(they are older and would disown him) and to protect my H and his reputation I have told no one every one still thinks he is that
"GREAT MAN" I'm married to.

Well, he did leave! What is so messed up is that he packed it all up and "left" yesterday AM then calls me and asks me out to lunch. Then leaves me again later that afternoon in a crying heap and then calls a couple of my friends to come check on me while he drives aimlessly around and ends up at a friend's house for dinner. I freak out, go looking for him, he brings me home and spends the night in our home but not in our bed. Today we get up, go have breakfast and spend half the day together and then he leaves again. Is any of this normal? Does this make sense to anyone at all?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

What's really scarey is that I did not even cry when he left today. I was a little irritated, but I did not cry! It kind of freaks me out that I can watch him leave and not get upset. Isn't it too soon for that? He says I am "moody" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and that one minute I am nice to him and the next I am angry, go figure! I wonder why?!

Am I ever gonna feel sane again? How long should I put my life on hold for him to "figure things out"? Anyone? Thanks!

Momma'sSad.

It is normal. Get medication from your doctor, let him/her know your situation, they would have no problem prescribe you AD. Tell him to get it too. It would at least stabilized both of you until thing calm down a bit.

I would also get conseling with MB right away. We are her just to give you support and oppinion based on our experience. We are not expert.

-rh-

where did he leave to? What are his plans to live in the car? Has he explained anything to you? Have you contacted the OW? I would if I were you and if she is married you need to let her H in on this situation. My H never left he just said he was going to so I don't have advice on your next step there. All I can do is be here for you right now just post here or on my thread if you need to talk I check the forum everyday.

Well, his Dad owns some property not far from here, he went to stay in the clubhouse there. He ahs a MC session tonight and he says he wants me there. I think this is the "big kiss off" and I am still not sure what the he** happened here! Last night was hard, the house too quiet, but I didn't call him. I saw him at our gym this morning and looked him straight in the eye and said "I love you, come home", he said he can't, it's too soon!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What the heck does that mean? Too soon? What for? I am so blown away I don't know what to do.

FYI, he has been on AD for more than four years and they recently added a 2nd one (right before all this happened). I have been on them about 2 months. We both have struggled with depression. That's what I do not understand, I have always taken care of him, loved him, supported hima nd he leaves me? I am so sad and scared. I am just trying to get through the minutes and the days at this point!

Sometimes the guilt alone will make a WS want to be away it is easier for them. He may not believe that you can love him through all of this. The first month or so is the hardest. I know how hard it is but try and stay strong and focused,it is not easy I still loose my focus when something happens and it triggers that memory of his A. Just let him know you love him and you want to work this all out and build your marraige into what you once had or thought you had. Hang in there talk to you soon.

Well, I keep hoping this will get better or easier, but right this second I am staving off a panic attack (never had one, but I guess that's what this is) and I am trying to get some sanity.

He is still out, says he "is not coming home", going to get the kids tomorrow so no go on getting this a little more settled for them coming home. I went to an individual counseling session yesterday and we went together last night. It did not go to good. Here it is in a nutshell as best I understand it:

1. He is a sex addict and is actively seeking to recover now.
2. I am a control freak who he resents and has alot of anger toward that makes it where he "is not sure if he loves me anymore".
3. Despite all of this I was wanting him home, but now I am not so sure how I am supposed to move beyond this.
4. Our poor kids do not understand why Daddy doesn't want to come home.
5. We are supposed to keep things as "normal" as possible, he comes home to the family, eats with us, interacts, etc and then goes to where he is staying. We should not have sex and he isn't sure he wants to "date" me anymore and is actively encouraging me to date someone else (???!!!).
6. We will go back to church as a family. (OK, I am a Christian who believes in the eyes of God we are still one and do not get most of the above!)

I feel like I am losing my mind! It hurts my heart to even think that the man who has been with me all this time is looking at me and saying he thinks he is too angry and resentful towards me to ever love me again!! HE was the one who had the affair, HE is the one who has been lying to me for years, and HE is the one who left!! I admit I have issues to deal with, but I am still like I am being punished for his sins! Someone, please tell me this gets easier! I am keeping it together for the kids, and I am still in counseling and we are still supposed to go together but I feel like I continue to slide into this deep, dark pit and I can't even catch hold of the sides!

I am probably not the person to tell you it gets easier but from all I have read it should. It seems like there is an underlying issue that he is trying to blame you for that you don't know what it is and maybe he doesn't either. I know that it is easier to have someone to blame for our short comings,it sounds like that is just what he is doing. All you can do is to continue to love him.

As I look back on that first few months after D-day I think what made my H stay was me showing him so much love the funny thing is today I feel more angry and betrayed then I did back then. I'm sure that is because the shock is gone and I think about what happened. I still do not trust but he has told me that the love I showed him made him relize how much he still really loved me. Remember your H is in a fog and is not thinking right as hard as it is, time will take care of this.

I know that this probably won't help but I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and wish I could take this pain away for you. Keep praying we serve a big God and he is bigger than this he can make a way!!!

Quick update, going to get my babies (YEAH!!) and not sure I will have time later!

We got into a knock down, drag out, mudlsinger yesterday (closest it's ever come to getting physical!) and it was SOOOOO ugly! We both said alot we didn't mean and probably said some we did. We ended up going to my indiv. appt together and cleared the air as best we can. I do not know what the future holds but I know we <i>both</i> need help on this one!

He says he is not ready for the weekend retreat thing and the MC agrees with him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I am disappointed but will keep trying, maybe he will decide to give it a shot, maybe not, who knows!

Thanks again, you have no idea what it means to me to be able to come him for the support and sometimes just to vent!! (((hugs!))) Will keep you posted!

Well maybe you were able to get some of your frustrations out. Believe me we have had some ugly arguments since this whole thing started.My H thinks I should be over it by now,what he doesn't relize is he killed a part of me when he did this the pain is just not going to go away over night.

I sure hope things go ok when the kids are back home. This may sound strange but I still have a hard time going away with my H ever since his A so maybe the hold on the retreat is really not all that bad.

Good luck keep in touch!!

Hi Momma,

The reason he is so confused about what he wants is because the minute he let adultery in his heart and thoughts, it messed him up in his mind and heart. Because that is what adultery does to the person who commits it.
And then it causes so much pain to the other spouse, and family.

Do not blame yourself!!! Do not wonder what you did to make him do such a thing!!!

The first thing he has to realize is that it was wrong to do.

The next thing he would have to do is ask for forgiveness from the Lord.

The next thing he would have to do is ask for forgiveness from you.

Then his mind will be cleared-up enough to think right!!!

Then you both can work on all the MB stuff, if in agreement to do it, and have it work.

Until he gets to this point, nothing productive can happen.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep