Just found out yesterday. My wife of 5 years (we have been together exclusively for 9) is cheating and wants to leave. I had noticed a couple of new, strange behaiours lately, like staying up late and often checking her email at home, something she never used to do. Wednesday night, she found one of our PC's internet connections was not functioning properly and she called me in. I fixed it, and told her she could check her mail now. She refused, said she would do it later. I became suspicious and dropped some spy software on the PC just then and went to bed shortly thereafter. Upon checking it after she left for work on Thurs morning, i found several emails providing damning evidence of both an EA and PA. It is with her former highschool boyfriend who she says she reconnected with through a Classmate type service. I immediately called her cellphone and asked her if she was having an affair, she denied it at first, then i told her the person's name and that i had read her email. We sat in silence on the phone for 5 minutes, she said she had to go into work. She called back and we decided we would discuss it when she got home.
When she got home, it was silence for a while,she said it had been going on for 6 weeks then she floored me....she told me she was leaving. I had NO idea. I asked her if she wanted to even try to sort it out, and she said she didnt know....i asked if she had thought it through and was she making the right decision, she said she didnt know..... i asked what went wrong, she said she wasn't happy.
All day today i have been browsing mb.com and printing out articles and advice, I Love my wife...i don't want her to leave. We have a 13 year old boy (hers from her previous marriage). I am at a loss. Any help/support you can provide would be greatly appreciated. I haven't told anyone. I haven't 'freaked-out' on her, just total shock has been my reaction. I told her i Love her and dont want her to leave....

thanks
floored32

<small>[ July 05, 2003, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: floored32 ]</small>

Floored --

Welcome to MB. This is devastating for you and I'm very sorry you're going through it, but know that you've come to a very good and supportive place. There's a tremendous amount of help here: articles, columns, books, and this message board. Read all you can and as often as you need to. I'm glad that you've already printed-out some articles. You'll learn soon enough that you're not alone.

Her vague responses to your questions are common; most WS's don't really have any idea what the answers are. It's almost like they're on "automatic pilot" and are reacting to their new feelings and emotions without regard for the implications. Selfish, egocentric, destructive, but it's where she is and that's what we have to deal with.

It's also very common to be blind-sided with this very unwelcome news. I was and I remember thinking somewhere along the line, "if only you had told me that there was a problem or that you were unhappy BEFORE you took this destructive path..." Hard to know what to fix if you don't know that something's broken.

Bottom line: this is NOT your fault. This is all about your wife and her immensely poor and weak choices. I'm not suggesting that you may not have contributed to the atmosphere that permitted this A to take root, just that she is completely responsible for how she has chosen to act.

At least she's saying she "doesn't know" in response to your critical questions. Some WS's jump right in and announce that it's all over! Your W isn't completely closing the door for now, and even if she says "final" sorts of things, it doesn't mean they're going to hold up or that things will turn out that way.

Where's she going when she leaves? You have a right to ask that and to get an answer. You have a child in the picture, her son, who has to be given some consideration. At 13, kids know what's going on their lives and home. She may not go, or go immediately. Sometimes in the pain and confusion of the "outing" of the A, things get said which aren't meant or which later don't happen. Keep us posted on this, as it's a critical step in your interaction.

I'm glad that you've stated your position and feelings, that you love her and don't want her to leave. Now we'll have to see where this all goes. Read the "Plan A" material for some good directions for you to go. The Plans (A & B) have preserved many a marriage.

Again, I'm sorry for this turmoil; you don't deserve what you're having to go through. But go through it you must and we're here to help you to do it. Many of us--maybe most of us--have been exactly where you are and we're surviving, so it is not only possible but absolutely necessary.

We're here for you...

Ammon

Floored32 read ASAP Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', 'His Needs, Her Needs' and Michelle Weiner Davis's books 'Divorce Busting' and 'Divorce Remedy' as well as everything on this website. Avoid using love busters against her like angry outbursts, selfish demands, and disrespectful judgements. And find a marriage saving oriented counselor and go, even if she refuses to go.

floored32,

I think you are going to win this one. 6 weeks vs. 5 years. I think you will win.

Be strong. Read about "plan A". Don't beg, plead, cry etc.

Read "Love must be tough", by Dobson.

If OM is married, tell his wife.

Buckle your seatbelt! You are in for a ride!

-AD

Ammon, AD, TooMuchCoffeeMan and others-
I can't thank you folks enough for the support and words of wisdom that you have provided thus far. You obviously know how this feels and the pain and confusion that I am facing. I too am sorry that anyone reading this has had to face this situation....It truly is the hardest emotional/mental situation I have ever come across.I hope that when this all shakes out, I will have learned enough that I can provide the type of support that you are providing. THANK YOU!
We went away this weekend together, it had been planned long ago.....we talked on the drive and ended up having the best time together we have had in a looooong time. We have both been responsible for LoveBusters over the past several months, she takes the cake with her most recent one. The water is still very murky right now, but she has not left, and thankfully our son is staying with relatives (also planned before this whole deal occurred) for 2-3 weeks.
I find myself wanting to say things to her alot, about how much I love her and various other questions and reaffirmations of my commitment to her....but I am trying SO hard to not smother her with my ultimate devastation. I believe we are making progress, only time will tell. I am sure you know how confusing it is for me to be so angry and dissapointed and frightened at the same time overwhelmed with love.....god this is hard...but I/WE are going to make it...in some shape or form.... I have said for a long time, that matters always have a way of working out....and they do...sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse...it's called life and all we can do, is live it to the best of our abilities. Your kind words mean VOLUMES to me. Thank you for your continued support and i will keep you posted. Cross your fingers for me...

-floored32

Floored32

Hang in there. I'm in same boat differant section. My wife left 3 months ago after admitting her affair with a married man.

I've learned to trust alot of what I've read and many of the post hear. Though sometimes it's tough to accept reality.

Don't expect much until your wifes affair ends until then she won't see clearly what's going on or other alternatives she may have.

Don't be surprised by anything she says or does. I can't believe the things my wife has done and the way she continues to act. She isn't anything close to the person I married or she was just before the affair began about a year ago.

My biggest advice I could give right now is continue to read everyhting and anything to help explain what's going on. Work on Plan A. Stay away from the other man other than telling him that you love your wife, you want your marriage to survive, it's a good marriage and he doesn't belong in your marriage. And discuss with your wife how you are going to bring the affair out in the open. This event will add incredable preasure for her to do the right thing. She will begin to relize the lives she's also affecting. But don't tell her what she's doing let her figure that out for herself. I'm sure when her son finds out her heart will be crushed by the damage she's doing to her own son. Be the goodguy.

Floored I'm happy that you are doing much better and just wanted you to know that if you feel the need to love bust your W, DON'T and come here instead and VENT to us your pain, anger, or frustrations so that by the time you are finished and once again gotten a grip on your emotions, you will be ready to interact with her in a positive fashion.

I have an urgent question, and i hope one of you is reading this!

If I suspect that my wife is with the OM at any time, like when she leaves work without letting me know whats up, should I call her cell phone if i think she is with him? We have NOT implemented Plan A or B yet.

Please help quick!

No because she will perceive this an attempt on your part to control her and will only push her further away from you and more towards the OM. You've got to remember that without realizing it, the OM avoids love busters which then gives him an opportunity to fill your WW's love bank. Besides, even if she were to tell you right out that she was going to see the OM, what are going to do? stop her?. So your best bet is to keep your cool and avoid ALL love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, and disrespectful judgements) and be the best you can be around her.

Thank you TooMuchCoffeeMan, I thought my instincts were right, and you backed it up. THANK YOU

This is just a reality check for me, hope someone can check me. I am having a really hard time today.....totally mind racing, emotional rollercoaster day. Where i can't figure out whats up and whats down.

I want to send her flowers, I want to call her and tell her I love her every 5 minutes, I want to just explode....or curl up in a ball and cry.
I just don't know what the heck is going on....and I hope that she is thinking of me....and wanting me too.

Should I bombard her with tokens of love? Or should I just let it ride, stay composed and say things occasionally...... I don't know what to do..

You guys are awesome, thank heavens I found this board. Thank you Coffeeman and goodguy007

Your racing mind, rollercoaster emotions, wanting to bombard your wife with love tokens and yet throttle her into reality...are all part of the ride. You are doing great. Listen, you will most likely fail to do the right thing sometimes because it is just TOO hard to be perfect when you are in this pressure cooker. But continue to try nonetheless; and when you do the wrong thing, dust yourself off, apologize, get up and keep going, keep talking, keep loving, keep your eye on your goal. It will be worth it and you will be stronger and wiser and a better person in the end, no matter what happens with your beloved wife. Take all the advice on this board and put it into practice. We are pulling for you!

Wanted to add, when you feel like bombarding your wife with questions, OR tokens and expressions of love, most likely a middle of the road appoach is prudent. She needs to see your love and your pain, with all the honesty you can muster from deep inside your guy--soul <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> but I would refrain from overwhelming her by indulging unreservedly in either behavior. Too much expression of undying love can give her false impressions that you can't make it w/o her and makes you appear not as interesting to pursue, and too many questions can produce guilt and pain for her that may provoke a retreat of self-protection.

Wanttoshine,

Thank you. I want to hug everyone that is helping me through this. I have never posted on one of these types of boards before, and the fact that this one exists is just terrific. Thank you for your support as I muddle through this. I am doing my very best and will keep you posted.

Floored --

Just wanted to reaffirm that we're along on this ride with you. It's not easy and it won't be, but it is very much worth the pain and heartache to know inside you that you have "stuck it out" and hung in there where lesser men have fallen beside the road. No one can ask of you that you do any more than the best you possibly can, so you hang in and hope for the best possible outcome.

You've received a great amount of support and encouragement already from some helpful folks perhaps hurting just like you, so you're in very good company. Some of us have been there for far too long a time, and this board has saved many of us from complete despair time and time again.

Post anytime you need to or want to, no excuses or special topics necessary...just vent away. Remember when you're most discouraged that you can't see around the corner here and you don't know how this all is going to work you, that even in the blackest times and moods, you will get through this. A thought for you...

After winter comes the summer,
After night comes the dawn,
And after every storm,
there comes clear, open skies.
~Samuel Rutherford~

Ammon

floored32,

I was reading through your posts and I've been going through the exact situation as you. I found out two weeks ago that my wife of 3 years was having an A with someone she works with. It's been a rough two weeks. I, like you, want to work things out with her and she's given up on our relationship. I can forgive her for the A because I've learned a lot from MB and understand why this happened. I cannot forgive her for not giving us another chance since we both know what we did wrong. I'm in the same situation where I want to be with her and talk to her about my feelings and what I've found on this site. I've even asked her to visit it so that she can learn, as well. Right now is very touch and go because she is running and I'm trying to grab on. I've found that I now need to let her be and figure things out on her own. However, the toughest part is that I know nothing will happen between her and I unless the OM is out of the picture. I hope things work out for both of us and I know what you're going through. It's a very tough time but I hope you stay positive. It's not easy, I know!!

<small>[ June 16, 2003, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: confused67 ]</small>

Floored32...

Hay I am right there with you, unfortunalty for me I didn't find these message boards quickly enough. My wife of 5.5 years been together for 11 has moved out about two months ago & a week ago addmitted to, & still is seeing another guy who is single. She is unsure if she wants things to work out between us. The people here are certainly doing there best to help me through this & let me tell you it is one heck of a rollar coaster ride. Like I said it was too late for me in some aspects because I really wigged out for a time there, & now I realtize that was the wrong thing to do. I was also going through my own withdrawl from an addiction that I have to spending money. That did not help matters. I do know that everytime I wigged out it pushed my wife even closer to the OM even into the PA portion.

I know how you feel....Hang in there....

LostPilot
Looking for the map to happiness....Can't seem to find it right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I don't know why I got into this chat but i'm glad I did my H had an affair and is still talking to the woman and who knows if it is still going on . But I like the suggestions on not talking about it but I can't get strong enough to do that. It's been 9 months and I still talk about it everyday and don't know how to stop. I am so confused my story is on I'm not sure how to move forward My name was vomit no one liked it but I used it because It makes me sick that I am living this new life. Any help will be appreciated.

You can also see my story under trying to get stronger. Thanks for any input

Ammon,

Thank you for your continued support. The Rutherford quote really made me feel good and it is good to know that others are here for me. I want to be here for you all too, I don't have much experience to share yet and don't want to give advice that i definately have no basis for knowing. Your kind words are really helping me. Thank you.

Confused67- To quote Beavis and [censored] (never thought I would do that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) "this sucks like nothing has ever sucked before". Please know that I am pulling for you too. Keep your head up and keep loving her. It's hard as hell to deal with all of this and all i can say is that this site/forum has provided me with INVALUABLE information and support. I too think I have figured out most of the reasons (from our marriage that led to the A in my wife's life. I want so badly to talk to her about them, but right now I am simply biding my time until she is ready to talk about it and work towards the goal of staying and eventually making our marriage the best it has ever been. We had a good night together last night again. We didn't talk about the A at all. Simply had some drinks and watched a movie together. Holding hands, and an occasional kiss. Those moments make me want to jump to the heavens, but I try to restrain myself so that I don't 'freak her out' and push her away. It kills me when her face changes in a way that I know she is thinking about the whole issue.....i can read it like a book....but I don't say "what's wrong" or "are you ok" i just squeeze her hand a little bit harder. I hope I am doing this right. Good luck my friend, I hope that you come away from this situation stronger than you have ever been, and are ulitmately happy.

LostPilot- I am with you too. It's hard not to wig out, believe me i understand. I am wigging out right now...but trying my best to keep it inside. Don't want to push her away. My thoughts are with you and keep reading and keep posting whenever you feel like it. This board is a godsend.

CoronaMAV- I am going to read your story after I post this. Stay strong, it's really tough but you can make it. I want to tell everyone on this board, including myself, that everything will be OK in the end....I want that to be the truth SO MUCH......for you, myself and everyone else here.

Thank you ALL

Working hard to make things right

-Floored32