floored32,

I'm glad to hear that you and your wife had some nice quality time together!! I hope I can get to that stage also. From your posts, we're going through the exact same thing but you might be a little ahead of me. I've basically given my wife the week away from me (no contact, no discussions, etc.) to sort things out in her head. I hope at the end of this week I'll get some good news from her. I've expressed to her that she needs to end her A or she is not giving us a fair chance. I hope that we can keep each other in the loop on what's going on with each other. I think it will be very helpful for both of us. Like you said, "this sucks" but love is a crazy thing. I hope things work out for you and your wife. Let me know if you need anything.

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: confused67 ]</small>

Confused67

I can imagine where your head and heart are during this week, I know your mind is probably racing and your heart is very heavy. Stay strong my friend. We will be o.k. I too hope you get the best news of your life at the end of this week. My W asked me if I wanted her to leave the house the very moment after she dropped the bomb. I thank god that i told her no, and that she didn't.My thoughts and heart are with you. If YOU need anything....let me know. Keep me in the loop. I have only told one close friend about this deal so far. And having you and others to talk to whenever I want to is just awesome.

Keep your head up

-floored32

All-

I just found this post from a WS that gave me some hope. Maybe it will give you some more too!

WS comes back

Today has been good and bad. Once again thinking and thinking. need to get to the point where we can have more discourse about the A. We really haven't talked much about it since the bomb dropped. BUT, we have not had any Lovebusters (that I know of) since the bomb. We are supposed to have dinner tonight and hang out. Hopefully it will be good. Should i press to talk about the A further? or should i give it more time??

THanks as always.

-Floored32

floored,

It's good to hear that you're getting more quality time with your wife. In casual conversation, I would suggest that you inquire, if the time feels right. Just let her know that you need confirmation that the A is over in order for you to have piece of mind and move on. You need to make the call on when is the right time to bring that up. Keep us posted. I'll be thinking and praying for you and your wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by floored32:

We are supposed to have dinner tonight and hang out. Hopefully it will be good. Should i press to talk about the A further? or should i give it more time??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, not unless she brings it up otherwise you may end up hearing more of her 'I don't know''s and just making her feel like a caged animal. Try to make the dinner a memorable one with you showing confidence and strength in yourself (not acting like a needy child). It will do you a world of good if you succeed in having a fun time with her, and she won't help but remember the evening.

Sorry, double post.

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 03:36 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thanks for the quick replies! I plan on just being myself and continuing my policy of trying to be the way I was before our destructive behaviours began. Its so hard right now, as you all know. I will be as confident as I can and continue to slowly try to make love bank deposits and hope they stay in the bank.
She has scheduled dinner with her mom for tomorrow night and it came up in conversation whether I wanted to go or not. I want to spend every waking moment with her right now, but I think it is important that she have some time too. She told me it is up to me if I want to come I am welcome to, but I think it would be best if I let them have time together alone. Don't want to be a hinderance to that. The only thing I am afraid of is that her mother would somehow encourage her behaviour that is destructive to our marriage....if this guy is financially better off or whatever. so thats my latest dilemna.

Also, for our dinner tonight, she asked if we should invite the neighbors to go too....i said sure but they arent going to be able to go....am i reading to much into it that she asked to have other people there too?

Thanks a million folks, you are my best friends in the world right now.

-Floored32

Floored,

I wouldn't read too much into her asking the neighbors to come. She probably wants to alleviate the tension a little, which I would imagine is normal. The other company might help both of you to be yourselves a little more. Good luck tonight, we're pulling for you!!!

<small>[ June 17, 2003, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: confused67 ]</small>

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 07:41 AM: Message edited by: floored32 ]</small>

Update+and I need some help please:

Dinner went OK last night. I did my best but it still wasn't 100% myself, or herself. We did not discuss anything related to the A. The service at the restaurant was horrible unfortunately, so that took away from the experience...but what can I say.

I am feeling really down right now. I thought I was on the right path to getting this thing sorted out but now I am not so sure. I just need some help from you guys if you can provide it.

1. Because we have not discussed the A any further since the first time, i am afraid of what that means. The path that I have been taking is to be as loving and attentive as I can around the house and spend every minute that we are home together. I sent her flowers on monday, we went to dinner last night. Tonight she is going to dinner with her mom. Her mom knows her side of this deal, so I am kind of freaking out about that. I want her to be able to have a good dinner with her, and to be able to sort some things out...it's just scaring me. So, I am just confused what to do right now...UPDATE:(she just called me and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her mom tonite, I told her I would LOVE to go to dinner with her but that she should not feel obligated to invite me, they had planned it without me so my gut tells me this is the right thing to do.Am I Right?)..Last weekend was really good, Monday was good, yesterday i got more of a distant feeling from her. We have been having some physical contact, and a little bit of kissing, but it is not the usual kind of deal. Last night she seemed to kind of retract from all of that as well. I guess this is part of the process, but it is making me feel very sad. One of the things that really hurts me right now is some of the songs she is listening to I know have a meaning in her A. When one came on the radio on the way home this weekend, she started singing along with it...which she never does...this hurt me, thats a Love Buster isnt it? What to do? This morning she asked me to make her a CD with one of the songs that we used to listen to and Love....but it's called "i'd run away with you baby" and obviously this was another dagger in my heart....but i didnt tell her that.

2. We had talked about a trip before this whole thing happened. Over the weekend, in conversation with family she mentioned that we were going to go on this trip....so i went ahead and scheduled it yesterday. When I told her about it, she didn't seem very excited and it just broke my heart. Just a long weekend and hopefully a really good time, at least what can be expected. She said she wants to go, but I don't know where her head is right now. How should I approach this situation?

3. I am 99% sure that she is using a new email address now, because she knows that her old password has been compromised. This is killing me too. I think the A is still going on, maybe not physical part right now, but maybe so. Help.

I feel like crying right now. You guys are great. Please let me wake up from this bad dream.

Your suggestions are always WANTED, NEEDED, and very much APPRECIATED.

Thank you,

-Floored32

ok Floored

first thing - you are not alone, many of us have gone or are going through the same deal.

Now, you have to try and remain calm and focused and concentrate on that which you can control and change - principally yourself.

now for specifics:
- I think you should graciously accept her offer to go with her and her mother to dinner.
- try not to overreact to the down times, that way she will remember the good times and not your 'bad reaction' to her feeling low
- try not to worry about the other e-mail address. You can't control everything, and if you try and do so, she will resent it.
- be honest with her about the trip. Tell her you are concerned that she mightn't enjoy it at the moment and say that you are considering cancelling it. If she is still happy to go, then go ahead and make the best of it.
- if you feel like crying do - you need to vent your emotions. Try and remain calm and strong when with her though

Floored,

Don't panic. You need to take the bad days with the good days. This is going to be a long process and won't happen over night (even though you and I want it to). Just remember that your wife is going through a difficult time right now, as well and many things that are going through your head right now are probably going through hers also. Like I said before, when the time is right, you're going to need confirmation from her that the A is over. Unless it is over, you're not getting a fair chance to repair things.

Continue to plug along and be strong for yourself. Don't be afraid to let out your emotions though (I know it helps me). I'm still praying and hoping for you guys. I hope every day continues to get better. There was probably always be some setbacks though. As someone once told me, "you can't live in the past because you'll run out of days." Keep thinking about the future and stay hopeful!! Be yourself, that's the person that your wife fell in love with.

Floored32, at the beginning of this year there was a guy with the username of TM94 whose WW also told him she was going to leave him for an OM, and just like you he to went thru the same emotional turmoil until two things happened:

1.He started taking anti-depressants.

2.He started to loose his fear of his WW leaving him (she gave him deadlines of her moving out which she kept changing many times) and started to concentrate on not only improving himself but to live his life like his WW was no longer a part of his.

Her OM had dumped her and even though she still claimed that she wanted to leave him, TM94's attitude was 'If that's what you want, then so be it'. It wasn't long before she started making small, baby steps towards him by being more attentive towards him. Then one weekend he went to a motorcycle event and spent one day with a woman from the event talking and just hanging out with her. When returned home, his WW was very affectionate and jealous (seems some women have a sharp intuition that their men may be ready to leave them for another woman) telling him about that she wanted to be his W once more. Emotionally the tables had turned with TM94 now questioning whether he wanted his W back after all of this, but he came to the conclusion that it was normal to feel this way because the emotional wall he built to protect his heart was now an obstacle that he had to take down, in order for his feelings of hope and love, to return once more.

What's my point in telling you his story?

1.Anti-depressants can make a world of difference in surviving the emotional maelstrom that the A causes.

2.Losing your fear of your wife leaving you WILL help your individual recovery and with the possible added benefit of her seeing you with different eyes. Who is more attractive? A person who is not afraid to face the future without his/her spouse OR a needy, and clingy child afraid of being abandoned?

Please give some serious thought to what I've said.

Thank you for the quick responses guys, anyone else, please post too. These messages make me feel so much more like I have a partner in this deal.

I can't seem to find a couple of topics that I thought i read about the other day....my brains is a sack of jello right now.
-About how/when/if to contact the OM
-About outing the affair to others and who i should tell/talk to about it. I know that her mother and two of her good friends definately know about it.

I told my wife that she would not hurt my feelings if she wanted to do dinner without me so they could have quality time. I emailed her mother and in the cheeriest possible way told her I would love to see her, and that I thought they would want quality time together...she never invited me anyway, it was my wife that offered.

thanks

-floored32

TooMUCHcoffeeman-

We must have been posting at the same time, thanks for your words of encouragement.
1. I have never really believed in antideppressants, but your advice seems to make sense to me. I am going to see how it goes over the next day or so, but if i continue to experience these pangs of sorrow i will consider getting a prescription.

2. What you said about my fear of losing my wife is also very real. But over the past couple of days, when i start to feel really low, sometimes I have found myself thinking about life without her and the positive things that could come of it.

Bottom line, I want to come away from this experience feeling better about myself and my life than ever before. And even with the pain that I am feeling right now, it's still in my sights. Whether it's with her or without her, I want to be happy....right now I want so badly for it to be with her. If you have further thoughts about this post, or the one i posted at the same time as your last, please add them. I have found your words to be continually comforting and supportive.

Thank you

-Floored32

URGENT
Well i just got email confirmation this morning that she saw him about 15 minutes after we last talked. And she seemed to have been very 'excited' by him if you know what i mean. Not full on i dont think....but something.

This is just ridiculous. How can people act this way??!??! I want to scream.

Should I call or email the OM, I have no idea what to do.
What about outing this whole deal to the world???

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: floored32 ]</small>

No,don't contact the OM for you will gain nothing of value and you just might end up making him look like a martyr in your WW's eyes. BUT if he is married, then I would definitely say yes to contacting his W and letting her know about the A he is having with your W.

Hi Floored.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I think it's time for you to tell 'the world' what's going on in your life. Tell family and friends - get it out in the open. You need the support and all the hugs they can give you.
Early on when I found out about my H's affair I talked to my sister and brother and some of my best friends. It helped a lot - I couldn't cry and wasn't feeling 'free' when I was home with my 'foggy' husband who's head was full of lies and the OW.

Antidepressants sounds like a good idea. They'll take away the top of the stress and make you think clearer.

You're in my prayers!

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: Danish ]</small>

Thank you all, for your support.

Right now i am feeling like the tide is rapidly turning against me. I feel like I am losing this battle, because she saw him today, and she is just being so different.Should I lose hope or is it normal for the A to continue hot and heavy even after it has been outed to her and she know's i am hurt? She hasn't cried in front of me for this entire time. I am being strong....or trying.

I need to talk to her about this whole deal again, if I want to start plan A we have to get to this point first right?

What step in the process should I be in RIGHT NOW? I am so confused. I am going to talk to my mother about the whole deal in just a few minutes. I dread this, and at the same time want the love and support she will give me.

Thank you all

Suffering/smiling/suffering/smiling---my emotional lightswitch is flickering.

-Floored32