I am nervous and shaking as I write this. I've been a looky loo around this board. What I've read only validates my decision as to what choice I have recently made. <P>I have just broken off a 10 month relationship with a MM. I was in the process of a very long and drawn out divorce when we met and it is now final. There are many reasons why I decided this was the best thing to do - one that is most significant is that it was so wrong! The pain and confusion became more overwhelming that the few stolen moments of joy. I deserve better, and frankly his family deserves better.<P>Okay, here's the big and most scariest thing I need to say. The MM who I was seeing's W has been posting here on this forum recently. I found out from her H that she spends alot of time here and I wanted to read her posts. I wish I had read these long ago. Her hurt is so real. I cannot begin to say how very sorry I am for what I've been a partner to. While I admit that the MM has made no effort to "save" his marriage, even after counseling, and the W has contributed alot of the troubles as well, I no longer want to be in the middle of it. <P>10 months ago, I would have sung a different story. That the MM would leave his W for me, etc., etc. Heck, it was at my urging that he convince his W to go to counseling so that he would justify in his mind that he had done everything he could to fix his marriage before being with me. But now, months later, I have become anxious, defensive, suspicious, and just plainly a basket case. This is so unhealthy for all of us. And I needed to take care of myself first. So I left him. I broke it off. And while we still work in the same place, I have gone out of my way to take an alternate route to my office, park in a different spot everyday, let all my calls go to voice mail first, and not respond to pages.<P>I know that I can't unring the bell of what has happened. But, if the W of this man knows who I am by my name, I want to tell her how very sorry I am that she has gone through all of this. Her H will be hurt and may not be very nice to be around right now. He needs to make a very big effort to fix his relationship with his family. My being in the picture didn't allow for this.<P>I am so very sorry.

I wish my H's OW was named Mia. You've done the right thing in breaking it off.<P>Best wishes.

MC - Welcome - and good for you. It takes a lot of courage to see, really see, your mistakes and even more to do what you have to do, for yourself and everyone else, too. I, for one, am very proud of you. And I'm one of the unwilling victims of the OW.<P>You may be surprised to find a lot of support here, not for the mistakes you've made, but for the actions you're taking to correct them as best you can. Better late than never. Glad you stopped lurking and started posting.<P>Come on in, anytime you need to talk. We're here for you, on BOTH sides of the fence. I know mm's wife's hurt is real, we feel it too and I probably like her (I really like most everyone here) , but I also know that yours is real, as well. <P>I am so sorry for the pain that you're feeling. You are strong enough to get through this, though. I'm pulling for you.<P>Lori

Mia-<P>You are an amazing person for being able to come here and post as you did!! I applaude you the good sense to not only get your act together but to take the time to try and apologize to the OW. I wish there were more people like you out there!!! In fact-right now I wish my H's OW was writing the same thing you did-it would at elast make me feel a wee bit better. Somehow I always imagine her sitting with friends laughing at me I wish you a good long and happy life. If the OW doesn't appreicate your post at elast know that I do!!!!<P>Again-thanks

I also want to thank you for having the courage to break off the relationship, and to come to this board. I wish my H's OW would do the same.<p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited August 25, 1999).]

Dear Mia,<P>If you were my husband's OW, I would - (believe it or not) give you a hug and forgive you and thank you for your sweet honesty. I would have tons of questions, and pray for you to boot!<P>So, if your x mm's wife doesn't do this, don't be surprised. But, know that you are appreciated for your guts and honesty. <P>God Bless.

I hope that the MM W reads this, if you were one of my H's OW, I would like nothing better than to have her read my posts - I know my H has 50% responsibility for the affairs, but each of the OW were married, and knew me / about me, and this didn't stop them. Perhaps a wakeup call to how I feel, and therefore how their H's must feel (actually, neither H's know) might stop them being involved in any way with someone who is committed to someone else, or shake them up to look at what is happening within their own marriage, and sort that out first. Speaking from experience as the one who has been betrayed, don't contact him again, as the up + down of emotion connected with continued contact hurts the W heaps. Sort your own life out so you don't hurt anyone else. And don't expect the MM W to forgive you - this apology should have been private - reading her posts if she hasn't given permission is violation enough, let alone posting for all the world to see.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sosad (edited August 24, 1999).]

Just another thought, I wish I had the courage to tell the OW about this forum, and have her read it, but my H has already told me he would walk out if I contacted either of them. Tells me they are really nice people, I'd really like them. Protecting them? I think so -he doesn't actually see the current affair as anything more than a friendship (no sex yet) even though if you read my profile you'll understand that it is MUCH more than that. Maybe thats how she sees it too?? Reading this forum would help clarify things I think!!! I'd like the "years ago OW" to read this for her H's sake - I know she has had at least 1 other affair, perhaps her H has too, but if you have problems in your own marriage, work them out, don't use someone elses H to help you feel good about yourself. Maybe some-time I will contact the OW and suggest she do as you have done - any thoughts on that from anyone??

thank you <BR>just to know that there is an OW out there with that attitude is enough to lift my spirits a bit.<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by love WAS blind (edited August 24, 1999).]

Mia Mia Mia - or are you trying your darnest to get rid of the guilt - say "mea culpa"? I know who you are Mia dearest. And I hate you. I hate that you took my H away from me. I hate that you distracted a father away from his home obligations. Does it make you happy knowing that I cannot get over the ghosts I have in my brain of you and my H having sex together? Did you think that you were hurting me when you were with him? Did you care? You came here to appologize to me? Are you kidding? Think I'm going to passify your feelings of guilt? Actually hate isn't the word I would use to discribe how I feel. What I feel would be censored.<P>How does everyone here come to this OW's defense and make her feel welcome. She's my worst nightmare. Hello folks, remember the betrayed? Mia here is the betrayer with my H. So she has read all my posts and feels badly. Good. Did Mia come here to repent for her selfish sins? Adultery is a sin last time I checked. I am sick and disgusted that you would write to me, here in this forum where I could find solace with others in my position. How dare you insinuate yourself into my life yet again, but through this forum!<P>How does my H feel about what you're doing? Now I have to deal with him walking around like a lost pup. And the worst part is I know he loves you and not me. You represent to him everything I have not given him in years. The only thing you did is give him a reason to want you more. What a sorry b***ch! So you are the one who actually convinced him to get me into counseling....I'm sorry I'm not going to buy into your remorseful satire or your asking for forgiveness. Seems to me like you are the one in need of some serious counseling. I have nothing to say to you except go to H***!<BR>

Oh boy, this is a tough one. I'm a bit torn in my reaction to reading this. <P>First off, it's always nice to get an apology from someone who has wronged you so horribly. I'm sure a lot of people here would love one from the OW/OM. I'm also glad that you ended the affair. Although you mentioned it was for selfish reasons. <P>BUT, I think it's a bit too soon to be offering Tired Lady an apology. Mia, you are partly responsible for destroying this woman's life. Yet, you act like you're doing her a favor by "letting" him go. If you wanted to do her a favor, maybe you shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place. It's sad that it took you reading about the trauma this affair has caused her, before you offer your "apology". It's also pretty sad that the main reason you broke it off with him was because you couldn't handle being a basketcase anymore. How about ending it because you saw the devasation this affair caused Tired Lady? <P>I'm also a bit angered by your mentioning of his hurt. As if that isn't adding salt to the wound! Sure, let's all throw a pity party for you and her H. NOT! You poor souls have been through so much. Do you also want an award for sending him to counseling? Obviously, it was just a waste of time as long as you were still in the picture. <P>Sorry guys, but if she were anonymous, maybe I could give her a little more commending. But, she messed with one of us, and that makes it much closer to home. Especially, once you've read about the Tired Lady's pain. It's easier to distance yourself from it when the betrayed is completely anonymous. Tired Lady has gone through hell and I'm not going to welcome the woman who's partly to blame for it. Sorry. This is a rarity for me. I can't separate myself from this one. I truly hope I didn't offend anyone, I'm not one for starting trouble.<P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

I think that if you are sincere in your apology that a private one would have been more appropriate. This was a safe place for Tired Lady to turn. Not only did you tresspass in her marriage, you made her feel violated here as well. <BR>If your intentions are honest I don't think that this is the place that you should be apologizing.

wasstubborn,<P>My sentiments exactly. Wow, I just posted almost this exact thing in Tired Lady's post. <P>------------------<BR>The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.<BR>Helen Keller<BR>

Tired Lady -- I am so sorry for you. I don't know how I would respond if one of my W's OM showed up here on this forum.<P>Mia -- Why did you choose this forum to "confront" Tired Lady? While it is true that we have betrayed and betrayer and ocassionally the OP here on this forum, I know of only other other case where the OP has come and tried to confront the betrayed spouse, In that case there was an immediate gathering around the betrayed party. I gather that you have gone back and read enough to know what would happen, so you chose to hide who you were from us, and gave the details necessary for Tired Lady to recognize you. In the mean time many responded to you with what I believe were well ment intentions. They ended up causing even more pain to Tired Lady who now feels as though she were betrayed by thos of us here she has turned to in an effort to understand, deal with and heal from the pain you and her H have caused her. I simply do not understand how you could do this. If you really wanted to come confess to being the OP and get help and understanding, then you shouild have stayed anonymous. You should never have done it the way you did.<P>I just do not understand<P>Tired Lady, I hope that you will not hold this against those who have tried to be your friends. IMO, Mia went out of her way to illicit the responses she did knowing full well that it would hurt you. I am sure that no one would have intentionally caused you pain.<P>I will be praying for you Tired Lady.<P>God Bless

Tired Lady,<P>Please forgive me for adding to your feelings of further betrayal. I didn't think - I just responded too fast and was not thinking. I just let my heart out of my mouth, and didn't think about the consequences. My mess up entirely. I am sorry.<P>God Bless. I'll pray for you too.

Tired Lady,<P>I really blew this one.... She even said in her post that she JUST ended her affair. No wonder you are so offended.<P>MC needs to leave you alone and your husband for a long time. If she feels better having said she is sorry, fine. But she needs to move on now. This is not helping you at all.<BR>If she truly wants to help, she will leave you to heal.<P>I'm praying for you - that God will comfort you, and give you a reconcilliation like no other.<P>God bless.

TL...Gosh I am so sorry MC invaded what little safety you have these days, this forum. If my H's OW had done that I would feel just like you do now. I did receive an apology from the OW but she had the decency to do it in private.<P>MC...Shame on you!<P>------------------<BR>Joan

Excuse me, guys. This is MIA'S post here. If you need to express your feelings to TIRED LADY, she's got an angry thread going elsewhere.<P>Mia came to apologize ... and possibly might just be hoping for some help. Not unlike ME -- also a betrayer.<P>Please stop railing on her. She made a mistake .... raise your hand if you've ever made a mistake .... I see that hand, and that hand, and that hand .... hands up all over the auditorium.

Mia, I do belive your apology is somewhat heart felt, but I still don't understand why you came here. A letter certainly would have been better if she didn't accept your calls. I'll agree that feelings are hurt all over. The one thing that I think the betrayed's forget is that their spouse never made this choice. The 2 who did the betraying did, but somehow we (along with children, family and friends) all get sucked up in the choice the 2 of you made. Is that fair? I think all of us who have been betrayed realize we made (along with our spouses) mistakes in our marriage. We can take responsibility for that, but none of us EVER need to take responsibility for the affair, we weren't asked and we weren't invited so how on earth can that be our fault. The one thing that concerns me is that you say you have broken it off and you take no calls, then how did you comunicate with him about this forum? I don't think you realize that you added hurt on top of hurt. I'm sure you hurt, but I promise you that you have no idea at all of the pain and agony the she is going thru. I pray you NEVER NEVER do this to another family again. I hope your apology was sincere, and for that it took alot of guts.

Madelyn, I too will be brief.<P>Pain is Pain is Pain ......<P>Mia has as much right on this board as I do ... as airheart does, as rjr #2 does, as holly does ....<P>All you guys are doing is adding insult to injury and feeding Tired Lady's anger. How interesting that everyone was nice and compassionate to Mia until Tired Lady started screaming ... then everyone changed sides and began to throw the uglies at Mia.<P>I do believe that's called TWO FACED. <P>Shame on all of you .....