</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LostPilot:
<strong>
Second, I would absoultly love to tell her parents about what is going on (she is going up to their cabin tomorrow to spend fathers day with them), but our MC recommends that I absoultly do not do that. That is between her & her family, nor does our MC recommend that I tell my family for the reasons that if we do reconcile then things would be strange. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really beg to differ with your therapist on that account.

I was the straying wife, and early on in this mess, my husband said he wouldn't tell his friends or family what was going on. Eventually, the turmoil got too much for him, and he told his sister, brother-in-law and some close friends (his parents have both passed away).

I wasn't angry about that. Ashamed, very; but not angry. By the way, I'd told my own parents about it myself.

My husband and I have since 100 percent committed ourselves to making our marrige better (and it's working!) I will be honest and tell you that one of my big fears in returning to him was facing his friends and family.

But.... *** this is one of the consequences of having an affar.*** She needs to understand that.

In my case, luckily, it worked out well. I just got back from a weekend camping trip with my husband and our friends, many of whom know about our problems. His closest friend took me aside and asked me if I was making a serious effort to work on our problems, and when I said yes, he gave me a hug and said that was enoug for him.

His sister and brother-in-law also showed up at the campsite for dinner last night, and basically asked the same thing. They, too, took me back.

So, long story short, tell whomever you want or need to tell. Your friends and your family are there for your support as well -- don't cut yourself off from them when you need them most.

And if they are true friends, they will want what is best for you. If you and your wife reconcile and make it clear you are both serious about it, chances are good they will welcome her back.

LP IF and only IF the subject comes up between you and your WW about disclosing the whole truth to others, and she expresses her desire for secrecy about her A, calmly ask her why? If she doesn't consider her A wrong then why would she want to hide it from people close to the two of you? If she beleives her relationship with the OM is right and beleives its meant to last, then why hide it from others?. It just may be what she needs to start to question the wisdom of her choices.

Thank you everybody for your input. I actually told my family yesterday about what was going on. They were very supportive & like you said they only want me to be happy. They told me that they will not judge my wife & will accept her back.

It was a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I think I have a hard time telling people because I am in some way embarresed about it. Some of the reactions that I have gotten from people that I have told is "you deserve better than that", "Well thanks for playing, or done", ect.... However these people are also we only want what is best for you. What is going to make you happy?

The only problem that I have in all of this is that I can not spend everynight at home with my wife. I Travel a lot for my job, some times up to four days away from home. I think you can see where I am going with this & that is Trust. How do I know that she is not making contact with the OM while I am on the road? I guess that is something that we will have to figure out.

Until the next update.......

Star*Fish,
How do I post something to a specific person? Not sure how to do that. Or is that what I am doing right now?

LP,

You can do one of two things. You can edit the title of this post.....You would do that by going the original post and hitting the icon that looks like a pencil and paper. The post will come up and you can change it...for instance....erase and put "Not sure! Cerri help" After you make whatever changes you like...there is a box underneath that says "edit post" click that...voila...it's good for editting whenever you like...or deleting something you have second thoughts about it. Good think to know.

Or, the easiest thing to do with be to start a new topic and and just put cerri's name in the title.

Good Luck

LP in the book 'Love Busters' there is a chapter titled 'Resolving Conflicts Over Career Choices' and in the section titled 'Flying Into Clouds Of Conflict', Dr Harley says the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Any career that takes you away from your spouse overnight is dangerous to the health of your marriage. The more you're gone, the more dangerous it is."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has your going away overnight on business trips been a source of conflict for your W(wife)?

Yes it has. The only problem is that I do not have a choice. You can maybe guess what my job is my handle, but I am an Airline Pilot. It is what I love to do, & my W has said that she would never make me quit because I would be misserable & then blame her for it. Needless to say I do not want to quit, & for that matter I shouldn't have to quit. She also knew long before we got married what the lifestyle was going to be like, we started dating when I was in college & doing my flight training.

I look at what she has said about my job just an excuss to justify things. She actually told me that if things were going well between us than she would never paid any attention to this guy. I really do not know how to take that one but I was upset when she told me that, & it wasn't untill after that that the Job stuff started to come up.

LP even marriages where there is very little conflict and both spouses get along fine, can become victims of infidelity by having one or both of the spouses failing to follow The Four Rules Of Marriage In Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' the case of Jon and Sue is just such a marriage. Sue failed to follow The Rule Of Honesty, and John failed to follow The Rule Of Time and because of this the environment was set for Sue's A to come into being.

If you were asked to choose between your career and your marriage, which would you choose? It may be time for you to ask yourself that question.

As selfish as this may sound I would choose my job. The reason behind it like I stated before is that I love what I do, I would be miserable doing anything else. My wife knows that & she has even told me that she would not expect me to quite.

Now with that said.....depending on the industry & when it turns around there are some things that could be done differenly if oppertunities(sp?) became available. Unfortunatly these opertunities are out of my hands at the current time.

I am usually home for half of the month & I am gone for at most 3 nights in a row. But when I am home I am home 24hrs there is no going into the office to do work. But the big thing is there is no predictability in month to month schedule, at least not yet.

LostPilot

LostPilot,

Many of us have lost a lot of faith in traditional marriage counseling, as it generally does not work. I’ve heard it called divorce counseling often as it seems the counselor tends to move their patient towards accepting the state of their marriage and letting go.. leading to divorce.

Is there any way you can have a session or two with Dr. Harley? His type of marriage coaching does more good then traditional counseling.

It is useless to discuss marriage building principles with a counselor how does not understand or buy into the MB concepts. They do not get it. Ask your counselor what percentage of their patients go on to rebuild a strong, passionate marriage vs. how many end in divorce. You may be surprised.

It is very important that you start to lift the veil of secrecy from the affair… contacting the OM is very important. Telling her family is too. By telling your family you will get a support system you need.

You may find the tread about Plan A and door mats in my signature block helpful.

Thanks for those words...I have read the doormats & LB article. I think I am in limbo right now. I am a type of person that when presented with a problem I go after it full throttle to fix it. I have learned at least with relationships that sometimes that approach doesn't work :-). I figure that there really isn't anything that I can do until my wife ends the A & makes a commitment to n/c. I do not think that anything a M/C or coach can say to her to end it. It has to be her decesion. If it isn't than nothing we do will work towards our recovery. I am hurting very badly...but I also know she is hurting as well..how much I do not know, but I kinnda have an idea.

She basically has to decide whether to leave (at least in her mind) a perfect relationship with the o/m one that is filling more needs than I was. & come back to a relationship that will have a long road to recovery. She has indicated that she knows the stats, etc.. for the type of relationship she is in but she feels that it will work with this other guy. (FOG still there)

Like I told Cerri in another string that our m/c suggested that she not make a decesion until she reads a book called "Facing Shame". Because I am a debitor & spender who is in recovery. Untill we started M/C I didn't even realize that I had a problem or that a SA group even existed.

So....I Sit & wait.....For how long I do not know yet.

LostPilot

Greetings LostPilot,
This is my first time posting to your poll, and from what I've read about your wife, she seems to be in her fantasy bubble still. Your right, the way she sees the world is that she's having the best of both worlds. With you, she has her basic emotional needs and security being filled, but with the OM she can have this double life where he fullfills her other emotional needs that wernt being met, but not all of them. Chances are the majority of emotional needs are still being met by you, and not the OM. Once her fatasy bubble is poped and she starts to have problems with the OM and realize that he's not perfect, and neither is their relationship, she'll start weighing her options and be more open to repairing the marriage.
Did you notice how when she called you the morning after you went out with the guys, she wanted to know where you were.
I also dont think your job is the main source of the issue. Shes using whatever resorces she has available to justify her affair.
I too have a job that takes me away for months at a time, and it also resulted in my wife having an affair, but my being gone was only one of the reasons stacked ontop of so many others. No single reason would of sent her to the OM, but with all of them it made the OM seem like a prince charming. But nobody is perfect.
If she doesnt show up to the MC session, I would start working on dissolving the fantasy bubble that she has built around this affair. I feel her going away with this man in July is a big mistake, and will only reinforce the fantasy life that she thinks is there.
Try throwing her some curve balls and dont play by her rules and what she expects from you. One good one that you already did was by not going with her to the cabin and by going out with your friends. She needs to realize that you have a life to live and that you will live it!
Once she ends the affair and you two can start building your relationship again, I would suggest taking some vacation time to spend with her in rebuilding the marriage.
Best of luck to you and yours, and may the wind always be at your back.

Thanks Devilpup....

A couple of things I guess I should clarify is that 1. She didn't know that I was going out with some friends & 2. I mentioned that emotional needs stuff & she basically told me that there is nothing that I am filling. That the om is filling all of it.

I started to read Surviving an affair but the one big case study about sue & jon is hard for me to relate to because I do not have a lot of money, & the OM does, I do not own a house & the OM does & is building a bigger one & like I said before my job takes me away from home for up to 3 nights in a row, the OM works a normal workday & week. So right now the way I look at it it isn't very attractive to come back to me.

However I havn't given up yet....Close but not quite. I did talk to her today & she acknowledge that she has noticed changes, but she will usually bring up some little comment that I will make & I will usually realize that as soon as I say it I am setting the clock back to 0. I am trying so hard to not LB & try to negotiate with her to end the relationship but she just won't. We are supposed to go away on Monday night to a concert & I guess she told the OM man about it & they got into a fight. Not big enough for her to end things though I guess.

I do have a question for anybody who wants to put there two cents in should I be asking about what her & the OM are doing & how much times they are spending together? Let me know please. Also if anybody has a way to negotaite with her to end things it wouold be great. I am basically doing plan A but it is very difficult on me. I have been doing for about a month & a half I guess. Most of that time without really nowing plan A.

I keep getting more frustrated everyday that this goes on. I think it is so disrespectful on her part. I do think I opps today because I told my wife that I love her very much, but that my love is fading the longer this goes on. & I did end the comversation with I do love you with all of my heart. But I think that the first part was an opps. I didn't ask her is that is what she wants though which I thought was good.

Anyways still in the Turbulent Air
LostPilot

hey LP,

I'm really glad you have stayed on board....literally <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do have a question for anybody who wants to put there two cents in should I be asking about what her & the OM are doing & how much times they are spending together? Let me know please. Also if anybody has a way to negotaite with her to end things it wouold be great. I am basically doing plan A but it is very difficult on me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it's more important at this point to let her know how continuing to the affair affects how you feel than the details about what they do and when they do it. Negotiating at this point will not be very fruitful....but I think you underestimate what you have to offer. She fell in love with YOU first...you must have had something to attract her that couldn't be measured in dollars and cents. Remember too that you have a history of intimacy...a long one, and even thought you aren't intimate now...that is still very powerful. Your main effort right now should be to ELIMINATE LBs....not the ones you think...but the ones SHE thinks she cannot live with. Prying into her life with the OM may fall into that category...so may negotiation...so right now...concentrate on no LBs, confrontation (letting her know your feelings) and exposure, not keeping her secret for her.

Plan A IS extremely difficult, some people have to go on anti-depressants to do it at all! Don't beat yourself up about that....you are doing fine. Set a time limit....I would say a minimum of 3 to six months unless you find you simply CANNOT go on. Make your Plan A EXCELLENT and beyond reproach. It is your Plan to make your marriage more attractive, no matter what kind of money OM has....you still have plenty to offer. I would say in your case...also show her that you have are seeking treatment and have control over your money issues. Do you see how money is playing into this???? She has some real trust issues with you about money, so has chosen someone who has financial stability. Zero in on this need....you have the means to be financially stable....show her that you can be and make some big points.

Hope some of this helps. If you find that you can't go on, or are losing your love for your wife, come and post about it and we will help. Good Luck....keep the faith!

(((((((((lost pilot)))))))))))

Thanks Star*Fish....

Your words are a great help. The Friends & co-workers of mine that I have told basically told me that she is wacked in the head, High MX, & that I should run as far away as I can.....Too some degree I believe them. They say that I would be happier without her & that there are plenty of women out there that would be attracted to me. In fact I had a couple on Saturday Night hanging on me. To be honest it kinnda felt good....Didn't act on anything though didn't want to stoop to her level. Never fixes anything.

I just do not know hoe to do a good Plan A I guess. I try to end every conversation on a good note, I try to tell her that I love her & like I said has acknowledged that she sees changes in me. I tell her everyweek that I am going to my meetings, she can see that I am strugling to stay in our home( which as of July 31st, I am moving back in with parents because I cannot afford the rent myself).

I talked to her mom tonight & I wanted to tell her the truth so bad but I did not. I kinnda led on to what I new what was going on but I didn't say anything except that I hope she is honest with you. To be honest I think she knows what is going on because she asked me if they were living together & I said I do not know. I know that she has an apartment but I rarely ever see her anyways. Star*Fish I am trying so frigging hard that it is killing me & unfortunatly with my job I cannot take Anti-D's

I think that I might bring up in counsling that I do not think we should continue untill she has made up her mind.. What do you think ? I can't see wasting money if it isn't getting us anywhere.

Help......I am going nuts & the turbulence is going to make me sick.....Where is that damn Sick Sack....Remember the 3 C's Communicate....Confess....& Comply <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Lost Pilot