Alot of people don't understand why I am still in my marriage. So many things keep happening but I still want to try. He left in January the affair continued. I told him he never really tried and he should come home so we can really give it a try. He did and I got worse why I don't know I figured it was still going on. Well a week ago I got his cell phone bill on line and it proved that they are still talking alot. So I was right. He said I was a good investigator and he knows it was wrong. But said that when everything at home seemed like it was getting worse and not moving forward at all it was hard not to hear a happy voice and have a normal conversation. He said he will stop the calls and see what happens here. I said all I wanted was for him to honest and faithful to him. He felt faithful was not haveing sexual contact. So felt he was faithful. I said no faithful is completely no contact. He understood what I was saying and knows it was wrong. I don't know what will happen in my marriage and it is very hard. THis woman is the husband of my daughters softball team and we travel every weekend in the summer together. We are together for the whole weekend. It is going to be hell. My husband wants things to seem as normal as they can be and I don't know how I will ever do that. Or if I will ever be able to get over all of this. It all starts next weekend for 5 weeks. We are going just the two of us to Puerto Rico for 4 days leaving on Tuesday and returning to a weekend of tournaments for softball. Who knows what will happen. BUt I am scared. My husband is very old fashioned. He likes things his way and not alot of feelings of what I want he asks he but he really doesn't agree with me. He knows he doesn't know if he can make the changes he needs for all of this to work. He is very independent and likes his freedom. Always has even when he was a kid. He grew up in a broken home and was able to have all the freedom he needs so to change that after 42 years it is hard. And isn't sure he wants to. But says he does want to see where our relationship will take us. Early in our relationship I don't think we were anything but each others support in hard times and then just stayed together. We had two children and then life just turns into a routine and you live with it never realizing that you never were really able to just sit and bull**** with someone. That is what our life has become. He is a very smart person and has alot of wisdom on everthing in life. He always has things on his mind and has good conversation to offer. But not with me. For some reason we have never been able to just sit around each other and just talk about things I mean every day things. News, sports, arts, music. We can talk about financies and family stuff easily. Well that is what he found with this woman. And he never looked at our relationship as not having that because he never knew that kind of relationship. Now that he has experienced it he wants that. I am a very reclusiver person and have no confidence in my self very low self esteem. My mind is always "blank" Why I do not know but I am like that with everyone not just him. So this is a problem that I do not know how to fix. I wish I could. I have no hobbies and no interests except being a mother and wife. They have always been my dreams. I could go on and on but I should stop. I hope things get better for me and help me to get strong on way or another. Thank for any help sorry about the name vomit but it is because all of this makes me so sick

Did I understand you, that you and your husband will be traveling with this woman for your kids baseball team for 5 weeks?

Does her husband know of the affair? I was not sure if you were saying that she is the coach or her husband is.

There is absolutely no way you or your husband should be traveling with this woman. Seems it may be time for you to make a change in your children’s activities so they do not include this woman or her husband.

You and your husband need to be spending 15-30 hours a week together, finding recreational activities you like doing together. Anything short of that and your ‘recovery’ will not happen.

Hi Vomit, I have not heard from you for a while where have you been?

Zorweb is right it may be hard and it may seem like you are taking away from your child but you should not travel with this person she needs to be totally out of the picture so your H can put his focus on you and your family.As long as he can see her your recovery will not work.Have you purchased "Surviving an Affair" yet? remember you can get it on this site and they ship it out right away it has been an eye opener for me.

You do not need to be perfect but there are ways you can work on your weakpoints.Conversation, my H and I can talk about stupid stuff but me I want to get into deep things things that he feels in his heart and head and this is where are problem lies.He has shown some improvement but we still have a long way to go.

Like you all I ever wanted in life was to be a great mother and wife and at times I feel like I have failed at both because of things that have happened,boy I could write a book on the trials and heart ache of child rearing and then this,his A the last thing on earth I thought I would go through. You need to look at yourself more postitivly, you are not a blank mindless person you are worth something I read your post you have love and compation and that is alot some post I have read you do not even hear that you hear anger and vengence.

I believe that if you can get a hold of some reading mateiral it will help you to know how to converse with your H and what steps to take to begin recovery. My H has agreed that we will sit down together and read outloud SAA and then put into practice the principles that Harleytalks about this will not be easy but we are going to do itMyH keep hisself so busy I feel like I'm always last on his list this was one of our biggest problems before the A and it is still he really is going to have to change in this department.

You hang in there and remember to keep posting I will stay in close touch with you not that I am an expert but I do believe that we really relate to each other. You are somebody!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You know, I'd love you see you change your user name to something that speaks of the good in you. Something positive.

It could be the start of you creating a positive road ahead for yourself.

That said. Do something to pamper yourself today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi VEE

I refuse to call you that word because you are not that. That is the first thing ""YOU"" need to change. You are not vomit, so stop calling yourself that. I'll bet your husband and kids don't call you that so why in Hexx would you do it to yourself.
I have read what you have written and found that you are intelligent. Maybe misdirected, but intelligent. You have raised a daughter to be a well adjusted bright young lady who is popular and active in her community. She did not get there without your influence. You care for her more than yourself because you put her activities and friendships above your own happiness. That is a small part of your misdirection.

Is there no other softball team that she could be a part of? If not, is it not worth your marriage to start a new team for her to be a part of? You do not have to travel with the OP or her family. Where is the team going to? Is there no activities that your family can attend while there so you are not in the same place as the OP. If there is no other motels close by stay in a different town and drive to the games.

Would your daughter feel worse with a broken home than having to change teams. Is she intelligent enough to discuss the issue with? This seems like an excuse to maintain contact with the OP. Both you and your husband have to maintain a NO CONTACT policy. If that means your daughter has to change teams, that is the price she has to pay for your husbands indiscretion. Sorry, but that is one of lifes misfortunes.

I personaly think that the next issue that you need to address is personal growth. You said that your husband NEEDs conversation. See the word NEED. Ouch! Is he telling you that after your daughter is grown and away from home you will no longer have anything to talk about? He is telling you that you have failed to grow intelectually.

Have you dedicated your life to being the happy homemaker to the exclusion of all else? Isn't that why he was with the OW? What are you doing to change that? Recognizing the problem is only a beginning and means nothing if you are unwilling to put effort into correcting it. This is a habit all of us have to overcome. It is work to break old habits. You have to take the time and make special efforts to break them. Where do you get the time and energy? Why should I make the changes when he isn't?

I'll bet that the local college has lots of classes in music appreciation, art appreciation, theater,photography, computers, and the list goes on forever. Have you taken advantage of any of this since you were married? There are many other ways to add to your personal growth, just look around and make yourself interested and interesting to talk to.

Talk to the folks here, read the posts. These guys are always coming up with some new topic of conversation. (Like going to Puerto Rico for four days as an example.)Let us know what you saw and what you did.(Well, maybe what you saw.)
Join in those conversations even if it is only to ask questions. This is after all a self help site.

OK, I guess I have gone on long enough for now. Maybe I have raised question or given you ideas, I can only try. Just keep comung back and talking to us.

fudd.

Hi guys thanks so much for the guidence. I will change my name to Turtle. Someone trying to get out of my shell <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We have discussed taking her off the team and it is all she ever looks forward to it is a travel ALLstar team she is the best at what she does. No we can't leave the team. Her husband is the coach not her. I got a copy of his cell phone bill and they are still talking. Who knows if it will ever stop. I did tell him that I did not think we should count this summer as a moving forward becasue I don't think we will be able to until the summer is over. Fudd thanks for the ideas I have thought of college but just don't know what to take. And am of course scare to leave the family. I work 40 hours a week and do not see the kids as it is. But I know I do have to do something for myself. They always want to be on the go also. I really don't know if my marriage will ever make it and it depresses me alot. I will never be the OW and do I want to be? No I just want to have the fun she had with my husband. I hope to get back to everyone before I leave but I don't know if I will have the time trying to get everyone together to go our separate ways. I don't have alot of confidence in this all working because I really don't know if he wants to if he is still talking with her. He said that for some reason he thought that it was ok to talk to her but he knows that it is not right. Who knows if he will ever stop and I don't know how to figure it all out. I even hired a private dective but never knowing when they got together I wasted alot of money. I guess I will just have to trust my gut instinct. I don't think he will ever read the book with me but I will buy it and see if he wants to read it after me. I am beginning to think that he may just want to be my friend the rest of my life and not my husband. He is very hard to understand. Take care everyone and thanks so much for being here for me I really need the support. Don't forget I am now turtle

Turtle was taken so I just took my email name CoronaMAV. Keep in touch everyone.. from the old" vomit"

Tell her husband.

I was looking for you to see if you wrote back and it took me a while to find you with your new name but it is better. I agree with john39 you need to let her husband in on this little affair and see what he thinks of it. Don't be afraid of hurting her or your H or even her husband this needs to be brought out into the open and maybe then your H will wake-up!!!!!

her husband knows about the affair what do I need to tell him. He is as stupid as I am. Today was a bad day I thought they may be together. But My husband just said to me that he knows I will never be able to handle the weekends and do I think we should stay somewhere else. Just as we started talking the kids came in and the conversation ended so who knows what will happen. But I know that he does not want to stay somewhere else because he wants to have everything as "normal" as possible. It is going to suck either way who knows I leave tomorrow for my trip so probablly won't get back to any of you. Say your prayers for me who knows maybe he will pour his heart out to me when we are gone. One way or another. I may not want to hear what he has to say but it will be better in the long run to finally know the truth.

Hi Fudd I forgot to tell you I thought it was strange you called me VEE because alot of people call my H that. YOu got me nervous for a minute and I thought you actually knew who I was.

Corona,Good luck on your trip. In a way it may be just what you two need, try to look at it in a positive not a negative. Use the time to talk,try to stay calm even if the truth your H tells you hurts show him you are strong and you love him. Give him all the attention he needs show him what he would loose if he lost you. Take time to enjoy each other and fall in love again it can be done. Also I was going to tell you that at first it was hard for my H and I to talk and at times it still is so we would e-mail each other or write notes and letters this is a great tool to comunicate with out the fear of being tore down with your spouses words if you havent done it yet try it.Good luck check in when you get home.