I just discovered that my husband of almost 18 yrs has been having an affair for at least the last 6 months. He says he loves her but he says he loves me too! He says she makes him feel good about himself. His personal business is failing, we are heavily in debt and of course I would nag about how we were going to pay our bills. He left on Thurs. to stay with her and wanted me to tell our daughter that he was going away on a golfing trip for a few days. I wouldn't do it. I asked him what I would tell her when he wasn't back by next week. He asked me how did I not know he wouldn't be. He said he would come over and talk to her but of course he didn't. He left that up to me. I told him fri. that we were leaving town and I also told him how I felt about him not telling her and I told him her reply. He came right over. He just sobbed and held us and told us he loved us very much and was very confused and didn't know what he wanted. Twice I have given him the chance to totally end this marriage and he said no. He begged me not to give up on him. I don't want to end this marriage. I told him with time I could forgive him and he said he didn't deserve it. She is supposed to be moving out of town tomorrow. (I think that was just an ultimatum she had given him). I am so torn - I don't know what to do. He is supposed to come over today for Father's day - we'll see. I'm sure she won't want him to do that. Our pastor thinks he is clinically depressed. He sleeps a lot, has mood swings, has no concern for his career, finances, etc. What can I do?

Hi totally hurt...I dont have any advice for you as I am brand new to this myself, I just wanted to say I am really sorry you are going through this..it sucks and its not fair!! I started here about 2 days ago with my first post and have had some really good answers from people here..whether it be advice or just people saying how sorry they were for the situation!! So I just wanted to pass along some hope to you!! Michelle

Please read the welcome page in my signature block. It will tell you how to get started. In particular, you will want to read the book "Surviving an Affair".

There are many here who have saved their marriages after an affair. It's a wakeup call. Marriage Builders (MB) can be the road to not only recovering your marriage, but creating a stronger one the you have ever had.

Normally I try and think a bit before I post here. But I need to share this right away. I just got up from holding my husband as he cried and told me that this was the most horrific experiance of his life and he do anything to have known that his family and me were more immportant than any fantasy he was being led into.

Your husband may learn from knowing and reading about the pain that men have after they see that what they are doing is not going to end up making their lives better but make a scar they are going to wish never happened.

Your husband as a business man probably never made a move without knowing all the facts and the parties involved, he would have never guessed in business what the future would hold without fact finding. He would never make a business deal while drunk....as he is mentally drunk right now.
Tell him that the "deal" he is working on now has never brought anyone that loved their family any happiness. If he is looking for happiness away from his problems, they will just grow if he hurts those that love him.

All over there are "bankrupt" emotional men that thought by investing in an affair (a get rich scheme if I ever heard one!) ended up losing everything.

Tell him to get his mind well and make the moral choices that have always proved right...and the rest of his problems will have a better chance to go well.

You might tell him that you want him and the family you have...rich or poor. Let him know that he is relieved from having to make his business go well...at this moment all you want is him. (even if at this minute you are angry as hell with him...give you both time to clear your heads and prepare for some of the good guidance that it out there)

Thanks so much dustkitty and to the others for your response. He came over yesterday evening. Left his daughter waiting until 7:00 pm to see him - that was a very long day. I was soooo mad at him for doing that. He walks into the garage looks at me and tells me it's not going to work. I made him go in and spend time with his daughter and then we talked later. He apologized to her and told her he didn't feel like a very worth father that day (woe is me). Anyway - we talked for a very long time. He drinks heavily (18 pack of beer almost everyday). I am now in the process of finding out that one of his best friends is about to go to prison for numerous offenses (drugs being one of them). Needless to say that floors me. I have been suspicious for quite some time that maybe my H was also into something and now I'm just about convinced he is. All of his friends that he has made the last couple of years are young and single - no family ties. All of his old friends have dropped him. He quit going to church. He was raised Souther Baptist and was a very good Christian man when we married. He finally admitted to me last night that he is still confused. that if he was positive that he wanted out he would have just told me and left. Of course that could just be a line he's feeding me to make me feel better. He said he misses us. I got him to agree to not stay with her after last night - we'll see. the only problem is the only place he has to go is a single friend that drinks too much. I'm hoping his brother can get him to stay with him. I think he is a very torn up person and she is an enabler. Right now I'm very worried about him health wise. He's supposed to be going to his parents today to tell them what has been going on. We'll see if that happens. His brother (who at one time was his very best friend) is also going to come over and talk to him. What now?

Click on the link in my signature line. Pay particular attention to the links about Plan A.

Get your H to go to the doctor and ask for anti-depressants (ask the doc for a fast acting one – like wellbutrin). Affairs *can* be a symptom of self-medication - I think that your Pastor is probably right - that he is clinically depressed. Ask your H to get the medication, just to see if it helps - don't be condescending or anything - even ask him to do it just for your daughter, because this might do the trick. A person self-medicates with love because during the initial stages of an affair - dopamine,norepinephrine,and phenylethylamine are extremely high. These act like drugs to our systems - almost like morphine! This is where the "fog" comes from - but there's a chance that if he gets some meds, he will be less dependent on these three natural chemicals and his fog will lift.

Am wishing you the best...

If your husband has a strong Christian upbringing as you state, Southern Baptist...and he knows you have been talking to your pastor; He feels the double whammy of sinning in your eyes and the eyes of God and the church.

Maybe the first step...(and this won't be popular here)...is to get him to a secular counselor/therapist. He may be able to open up to someone not judgemental in the area of faith. First he needs to get his brain chemistry straightened out to be able to think clearly. A proper evaluation at the hands of a well-trained therapist that can recommend and monitor medications. After he "comes to", so to speak, then he will be able to come to grips with how this relates to his relationship with God.

Having been to both secular and Christian MC, I can say that the secular counselor had a depth of perception of the needs of people that had "fallen from grace". Secular counselors evaluate from a broader spectum of issues. Not every therapist that doesn't idenify themselves as "Christian", is a marriage-busting heathen. Many are strong Christians themselves...but with an educational background that has led them to work outside the framework of pure Christian Counseling.

Having worked in my vocation with Christian Counselors, I found few with the qualifications that would allow them to be covered as a mental health provider by insurance companies. (Educate yourself as to the different levels of education needed to be labeled a "counselor")

Dividing the physical need: (brain chemistry) from the spiritual need and having them treated from professionals...Doctor/Therapist and Pastor/Friend...and in the order of need may be helpful.