Finally, a breakthrough. Let me share how it happened.

Briefly, my H confessed to an EA years ago, but only after an STD scare did he admit that it had been a PA. In the years between, we had grown very close again and had been enjoying a good marriage. My outrage at the unconfessed aspect as well as his ignorance of all that it entailed was overwhelming. I went into a total breakdown of every aspect of my life.

We went through the stages of him justifying, anger, and intense sadness. We both sought therapy. He then began to feel very sad that I was sad and tried to “move on”. I knew that unless I could convey to him the full spectrum of how this devastated me that we would never be able to go on.

After constant conversations and me allowing myself to feel the aspects of how I still loved him in many ways. I tried to make him comfortable that any further conversations were going to result in healing and not me bolting out the door.

I copied down some information from the BAN website, The Joseph letter, and Betrayed Spouses 101, and a few articles on why the BS needs to have complete honesty. I placed them in a folder.

We went away this weekend and enjoyed some normal things. The first time that overwhelming grief did not mar our time together. When we got home, I promised him a delightful evening (no children were going to be home!). I gave him the folder and told him I was going to go to the market and I wanted him to take some time in the quiet of our home and read the articles. I told him that they were not magic, and not all my thoughts but a good way to see how a BS felt. I also told him I was going to come home and walk through the door, happy. No confrontations. That the only way to “move on” was to get this stage of honesty over.

Our evening was whimsical and fun. Many confirmations of our chemistry together!

The next day we sat outside and I asked if he had read the folder. We talked rationally and I promised to never hurt him. His demeanor was so changed. He took my hand, we went upstairs, and we laid down and for the first time I felt he was talking to me from a genuinely deep compassionate heart. He had been ashamed before, he had tried to fix the wrong, he had tried to cherish me….but he seems to finally have the depth of character to see how encompassing the betrayal was. For the first time he saw that, it affected “us”

He is in pain now, not shame. I told him that just like when you cut yourself and it bleeds the bleeding is to cleanse the wound. His heart needs to bleed for a while and the pain is indicating that he feeling what I have been feeling. When we are the most powerless and broken that is when what we truly need to survive is apparent.

We are going to start a password protected file on the computer where I am going to ask a a few questions with the promise that I will not react to them in anger. Not talking face to face will be good. When my concerns have been addressed we will delete the file and start a new one of communication about positive fulfilling of emotional needs

It's great you have had this break through! Be forewarned, there is still a long way to go. But, it does get better...in fits and starts, usually. Congratulations on a big step in the right direction.

Hi,

I have a feeling that the boundaries you set for your conversations, ie...not reacting with anger, will create a safe environment for you and your H to heal at a deeper level.

I had to learn that recently by setting the same boundaries.

Wishing you healing and peace in your heart
Roberta

Here is the update. I spent several days thinking about my words and my goals with the letters I would write in the file.

I opened with a love letter that promised that this would be healing and over soon. I said I would give my reactions to what he might write ahead of time. (understanding reactions, kind reactions, safe reactions) I explained that could intellectually comprehend more of the factors from reading…places like these message boards.

I said that I forgave him for not disclosing everything to me, as I would have left him. That the last years between the undisclosed PA had given us a time to grow out of the distant state we had been in at that time. That I was thankful for the children having that time to grow not in a broken home.

I also said that it could have been me. That if I were out facing temptation that we were communicating so poorly that anyone that had massaged my mind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .. could have made me stray.

I tried to make him feel safe with it. He wrote two lines. Since he is not verbal, there was no nuance to the statements. There was no acknowledgment of some of my concerns.

A few days later, I felt that we should really go back to talking. A few conversations were had, none very productive. Now we are back to him loving me and me not knowing if I can live with the confusion.

The only thing I came to realize, that was tragic…he sought out someone who seemed to expect less from him, a simpler person. That means the one quality I really like about myself is my complex nature. Therefore, the one thing that could hypnotize him, is the one thing I am not. I figure the need to talk is all part of the “me” he finds uncomfortable to be around.

Maybe I should find out how they made those “Stepford wives?”