I found the MB site back in March. Having recommitted myself to my wife and to fixing our marriage after years of neglect/selfishness etc. (mostly on my part), I set out to be the husband that I knew I should be.

However, along the way there was a friendship developing between my wife and the father of a student she had in her class (she's a teacher). Anyway, knowing that our marriage was weak, I used info from the MB site to ask here to pull away from this man to prevent what I thought was coming. Well, approx. 1 month ago my wife and my mother had a major blowup - and I didn't show my wife the support that she wanted (that is an area of failure that has troubled our marriage for years). 5 days ago, I discovered that my wife had begun meeting this man behind my back and while it hadn't become a full blown sexual affair, he was obviously meeting her needs for support and she had decided that I could not.

Right now I believe that my wife has stopped seeing this man -- and she is open to some counseling -- but I sense that a) she misses him and b) wants to go to counseling to be told that divorce is an ok option. I want her back so bad -- I woke up in my marriage months before there was THIS problem, but years too late. I am so prepared, with God's help and armed with the knowledge from MB to be the husband she needs -- but right now I'm not sure I'll ever have the chance. I don't know how to act during this "interim" period -- she barks at me when I'm helpful - and having never been super talkative, it's so hard to break the silence at home at all. Talking about "events of the day" seems so fake, and she doesn't want to talk about "us". Minutes seem like days as I wait for some sign that there is hope.

My best chance for bringing her back to the table is our children and their well-being (ages 9 and 7) but she appears to be thinking "if I am happier divorced, the children will benefit in the long-run". How can I bring her back emotionally so I can show her - and we can begin to work together?

If the OM is a father like you said and married then I would consider contacting his wife and informing her of the relationship he is having with your wife. More than likely he will cut off all communication with your wife when his wife finds out. I wish you luck.

I agree w/ BP. Also, click on the link in my signature line. YOU select the counselor, and interview them beforehand, or use one of the Harleys.

Hey - I think you should get the book "when love dies - how to save a hopeless marriage" (Judy Bodmer) and you and your wife should both read it. It will help you to know what to do to rebuild the love - and it should hit home with your wife all the way. The gal who wrote it considered divorce for a while when she was in similar circumstance, but worked hard and fell back in love with her husband. She does a couples ministry in Wa state now with her H. You can find it on amazon.com and it isn't very expensive.

Stand tough and fight for your marriage. This is probably what your wife wants to see most - that you value her enough to fight. Do not ever let your family or their treatment of her come between you two - this made me resent my H so much. I didn't have an affair but I sure thought about it and came close - because I was angry at my H for not standing on my side when his family was unreasonable (and downright rude). Your wife should come first - or she shouldn't be your wife. If she doesn't come first - then she *feels* like you have already betrayed her, regardless of whether or not you've had an affair. I know this might seem hard to imagine - but I have been there and felt the betrayal of my H not standing up to his rude people - and demanding that they display respect for me. (this is a long story, but they thought I was too white (they're 1st generation to this country), too Protestant, too liberal, (but the truth is, I was really just too nice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I am wishing your family the best.

Yesterday my wife called me at work to say that she had run into the other man at her school. He was there to register his kids and she was there just finishing up some end-of-the year business. He had his 2 kids along, and my wife had our two. These children have played together and according to my wife, she tried to get our kids to leave before actually talking to the other man -- but our kids wanted to play and she was obviously not forceful enough to pull away. She ended up spending a short time talking with him.
First, in trying to get her to Plan A - I realize this is bad, but just how bad?

I want to trust her (without being able to trust how will our marriage ever be whole?) but I question whether this was a "chance" meeting (did she at least know there was registration going on and that there was a likelihood of running into him?). With all the lies that have been told - to me, her family and friends, am I a total fool for believing that this could have been an accidental meeting and that she really did try to leave?

As a teacher, my wife is home all summer -- and her other man is a "disabled" cop (no real disability -- but somehow is getting paid well to be home permanently) so he is also home all day. My only hope is that they are both saddled with their kids. To that end, I brought my 9 yr old soon into this last night (was I wrong?) by
telling him that there were problems between our family and the other man's and that if he wanted mom and I to stop fighting and stay together, that she should not talk to the other man. Was I wrong to do this to a 9 yr old?

Incidentally, she changed her password for her work email where I originally discovered the affair (since "I could learn confidential information about students by having it"). Also,
last night before bed I thanked her for the honesty in telling me that she had seen/talked to him, but I stood firm in the fact that she must leave the situation immediately when faced with it in the future.

One day at time. I've been reading "His needs, her needs" and find it a) unbelievably on the money on EVERYTHING and b) very helpful in making me see how to be a better spouse. I only hope that I can be a better spouse in this marriage rather than having to apply my new knowledge in my next!

I think it is a very bad sign that she changed her email password. She needs to ragain your trust and this will not do it. She may have told you of her recent encounter because the chances were great that your children would have said something. Why did she change the password if she had nothing to hide from you?

Here is my (perhaps "naive") justification. I'm fairly sure that the change had to be done by a network admininstrator type. I think that she probably requested the change right after she found out that I had access -- and at that time cited "confidential information about students" kind of stuff. She has a friend, strong in the teachers union who probably fed that to her. I think the password change was probably just slow in getting implemented. Still, you're right - what does this say about trust. Her email should be an open book right now, but in avoiding love busters, I can't demand to have the new password.

You are right - she certainly HAD to tell me about seeing him, as my kids would have said something.

emanzdog:

I disagree with your statement that you can't demand her password. SAA says that the WS should make their life an "open book" to regain trust, if they want to recover the M. Have you read it? You should order a copy if you don't have it. If W is willing to join you in reading it, it's quite good to help in recovery. If she is open to counseling, I would RUN to find a couselor now!! If possible, the BEST counseling would be to do phone counseling with the Harleys. After all, they developed all this, and seem to have a very good handle on the dynamics that bring us all to this point......who better to counsel with? Prolly only a couple of sessions would be enough. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If she wants YOU to trust her, she has to earn it back! You can't just give it to her unconconditionally. She has violated that trust and now deserves none.

It was very good that you thanked her for her honesty in that she was in contact w/om. It's also true that it was more or less "accidental." Please don't hold that against her. That is Plan A at its best. Emanz....YOU are to Plan A HER at this point. Yes, she should be showing YOU some consideration, but WS's rarely know how!! They are still so caught up in the whole "drama" of their love life fog.....it's pretty pathetic, really.....

Anyway, you should be Plan A'ing her, showing her your changes, and making your option as a H the most attractive option. BTW - it's NOT outside the "rules of engagement" in this war for our Spouses to contact the OM's W, to let her know about the A......keep this idea in the back of your mind, in case contact keeps up.

Also, sorry - but yes, it was very bad to involve your son in this. Please do not bring it up again with him. Maybe he'll forget, and NOT get all over "mom" when she talks to OM. It's not a 9 yr-old's place to be involved in such matters involving adults (IMVHO). I am a teacher of 9 yr-olds, so I think I have a handle on their mental state! But don't fret over it now. The damage has been done, and nothing you can do to fix it, except hope your son doesn't dwell on it.

Read in the concepts pages about the Four Rules of Care for a Marriage (or something to that effect). I forgot what it's actually called, and dont' know how to link to it, but someone else has linked it. Maybe look for one of ToomuchCoffeeMan's posts? I think he has the link. Over on GQII.

Listen, FWIW, I think you and W are going to make it!! Hang in there.

God Bless,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, in trying to get her to Plan A - I realize this is bad, but just how bad?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">eman,

You don't understand this concept at all if you think that you are going to get her to do a Plan A. The Plan A is for you....and only you...and it has one and only one purpose...to END the affair.

It works in two ways...make the marriage an attractive alternative to the affair, and make the affair unattractive.

To make the marriage attractive, you must stop LBs....ALL of them...especially the ones like not supporting her around family! Have her fill out the questionaires for YOU (don't fill them out her yet, because right now you can expect NONE of your needs to be met). She is in withdrawal from her EA and is not going to do much for you at all. Fill whatever ENs she will allow..and it may not be many.

The second part of Plan A is making the affair unattractive. You do this with confrontation...telling you spouse honestly without LBs how it makes you feel, and how it affects your family. Ask for openess and honesty including that new password. If she has nothing to hide...she will do it. It is part of the accountability that comes with ending an affair. You also use exposure to end the affair....tell the OM you know, tell his wife you know.

All of this is Plan A....and this is definitely what you should be doing right now to save your marriage. Your wife is the "fog" and she will be little help at saving this marriage.

Now go out TODAY and buy a copy of "Surviving an Affair" all of this information is in the book in Dr. Harleys words and far more complete than this crash course. This book, will be your new bible. Your wife should read it too.

Good Luck ! Sending you sunshine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ June 22, 2003, 07:43 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

emanzdog, I wouldn't be too concerned about the change of passwords. Most computer systems that have limited access to confidential info force the users to change their passwords every 180 days. The time frame varies from system to system. The worst part is most systems will not let you use a password over again and you run out of new ideas after a few years. Smiaj

OK - plan A is for me. Of the two parts - making the affair seem unattractive seems easiest in my case. Partly, it was short-lived and had not gotten sexual yet (just talks/hugs/kisses). The affair is now over I believe, although it may not look like an unattractive option yet. However, how do I make marriage look attractive when my wife is withdrawn/angry toward me? Caring actions, and spending some good quality time with our kids is about the best I can do right now. Being pleasant around the house and having any conversation is nearly impossible, as I am responded to and snapped at as though I had the affair. Any ideas on making our marriage look like an attraction option -- especially when conversation was something she was looking for and now since it takes two to converse and only one of us is willing, that isn't possible!

eman,

Has she filled out the questionaires....EN and LB? They will give you a huge amount of information about where you are succeeding and failing. The affair is not over until your wife tells the OM that it is over. She must officially tell him that they cannot have any contact at all. That will probably have to include the children. It's a high price, but a necessary one.

There's a book out called "Not Just Friends"...can't remember the authors name, but it's something that would help you with this situation I think.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by emanzdog:
<strong> my wife is withdrawn/angry toward me.... Caring actions, and spending some good quality time with our kids is about the best I can do right now. Being pleasant around the house and having any conversation is nearly impossible, as I am responded to and snapped at as though I had the affair. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Emanz,

NOT that I'm an expert or anything (since I'm not in recovery or even close) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but I believe your W is in withdrawal. She is suffering from the reality smacking her between the eyes that her "friendship" has been outed, and can never be again.

This is probably making her depressed, somewhat angry, and withdrawn from YOU! If she is agreeable to counseling, I would PUSH this issue, and find a competent counselor immediately.

Continue to Plan A. She will come around, after a time of "mourning" for what might have been in her "friendship" w/om. As she maintains NC, she will slowly return to your arms......and probably THANK YOU for hanging in there with her!

What I did was take the ENQ as though I were my WH, to determine what his EN's were! This was my strategy for Plan A'ing him, since he would NOT talk to me. MAKE SURE you are meeting Her EN's.

A good book to read would be "The Five Love Languages." It's a very small book, easy read, describes 5 different ways people "show" love to each other. Often what happens is one spouse shows love the way they would like it expressed to them. This isn't necessarily the way your S wants it shown, so they don't "feel" loved. Sounds simple enough, yet thousands (maybe millions) of spouses do this to each other........use THEIR OWN ways of wanting love shown, NOT what fulfils their spouse. Example: If you are the type who likes to recieve gifts, you GIVE GIFTS as an expression of love. Your spouse, on the other hand, may need to have love expressed through ACTIONS (such as building a birdbath, or repairing the garbage disposal....). So you're running around buying flowers, or stuffed animals when what says love to YOUR spouse is fixing the squeak on the screen door! Get it?

Make sure you know what HER EN's are, as well as Love Language.......

Hang in there, I believe the battle is more than half over in your case......

God Bless,

My wife and I saw a counselor on Tuesday, and
at the end the counselor suggested that she could
work with us, coach us and that obviously there are no guarantees. However, after listening to my wife during the session, I felt so hopeless - like there was no chance of my wife loving me again. Then my wife says, "Should we make an appt. now?" and I, feeling as I was, said "Maybe
we should talk about it first" (to see if we really did think that the time, effort, expense, was worth it -- I wanted to see if she thought there was ANY hope of her feelings changing). So - is that something that she'd (my wife) even be able to answer right now? I suspect she is still grieving a bit about her short term affair plus is very torn about what divorce would do to our children. Do we just go through the counseling even if there is a nearly 0% chance of her feelings changing? FYI - it wasn't like we had a good marriage and then she had an affair. We've had a poor marriage - lived like friends (w/o sex, little affection), so while the affair hurts - it's the rest of the marriage that needs to be fixed.