Tomorrow is the second anniversary of my dday. My husband of 23 years had a five year EA and PA with my best friend of 24 years. It's been a long hard road but my marriage seems to have recovered. I know he loves me now (although he holds on to his claim that he never did before dday). Although the questions of where he really is when he has to work late and the constant battle with feeling pretty enough or thin enough are still there, I do believe that our progress is solid.

HOWEVER, I feel like I am sinking. It seems to have started after I talked with my x best friend (OW)6 weeks ago. Her daughter is the maid of honor in my D's upcoming wedding. She wanted to come but I asked her not to. We talked 4 hours and I told her exactly how I feel . . . I miss her friendship but I never want to see her again; that the feelings of love I had for her do surface now and then (always accompanied with pain)but she is my worst enemy. I asked her how could she watch me suffer those five years and continue to betray me. She started to say she would get so mad at my husband but then added that she "guessed" she was responsible too. Anyway I don't know if I am just now dealing with that (her betrayal) or I just need to make myself get out of the house.

I am reclusing (Is that a word?)BADDDDD! I have been off for the summer since May 15. (I teach at a university) I have been out of the house without my H twice. I don't even go to the grocery store. I seldom will answer the phone. This is not like me at all. Before Dday I have always had many friends and was very gregarious. I don't think I am fully depressed. I am definitely not in a black whole but I feel like I am sinking. One other factor is my husband's partner at his medical clinic quit and he is swamped at work. He goes in earlier and stays later and when he comes home he is exhausted and overwhelmed. So when he is at home he really isn't. I miss him but I would be a Taker if I put pressure on him now.

I don't know why I'm slipping. I am obsessing on thoughts about the OW. She has moved and seems to going on quite comfortably. She never had to admit anything to her husband. He wanted to forgive and go on. She NEVER took responsibility for her part in the 5 year affair. PLUS she wouldn't call it adultry or an affair. All this happened in my church. The OW's H is employed by another church out of state now.

I'll quit for now. Don't want to overwhelm anyone. Please help me get a grip if you see anything I'm doing or thinking that . . . I don't know what I'm asking for. Maybe it's a prolonged case of PMS or peri-menopausal symptoms (I am 47 yo)

Thanks

BS 47 xWS 47
xBFOW 47
dday June 17, 2001
EA 1996 - 6/17/01
PA 1996 5 events
children S 22, 2 D's 20,19
OW's children S 22, 2 D's 20,18 all
bestfriends with my children
M in recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I had been doing fine until recently. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Janh-

Wow, I'm sorry to read of your predicament!! Though I'm a BS, I can only imagine how painful it must be to have a best friend involved. Just know that there are LOTS of people on these forums that come from similar situations and that alone can be comforting at times as you work through this.

You mentioned that you get a bit uneasy at times with regards to how he's spending his time and I'd say that those sorts of feelings are not unusual at all. If your H is truly committed to recovery and further, if he's really serious about understanding the effects of his A on you, then he won't have any problems answering your questions.....for as long as it takes. Period. As far as you not getting out of the house much, I'd suggest you seek a counselor and explore your feelings with them as you won't likely get better unless you address this. Good luck to you and your family!

<small>[ June 16, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: litchfield ]</small>

Hi Jan

I am sorry to read your post - it must be very hard for you. You had a double betrayal - and it is really hard to forgive people who do not accept accountability for their behavior. But remember that you are forgiving her for *you* - not necessarily for her.

Then to have the sting of it happening in your own church - where you should feel safe - this is hard. Is she in another congregation now as well? I'd have to say that it may help if you look at her problems as spiritual. It doesn't matter who her husband is or how often she goes to church - she isn't right with the Lord. If she won't call what happened an affair or adultery - do you think she has owned up to her behavior with the Lord? My guess is no. True fruit of the spirit would mean that she accepts accountability - and true repentance would mean that she ask for your forgiveness for her behavior as well. (Not to mention the fact that this happened in the first place – which shows that she wasn’t right with the Lord even then.)

Have you thought about spending your summer in studies? Bible studies are a great way to meet other women - and you might find a new best friend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Digging into the Word will lift your spirits - and it will help you to forgive her. Don't forget that we are told to pray for our enemies (this is more for us than for them I think).

I think that your blues may also stem from your daughter's wedding. Maybe you are thinking about marriage and subconsciously hoping that your daughter doesn't have to go through what you've been through - especially with the connection in the bridal party of the OW's daughter. I think you are well within your rights to ask that she not attend - this is more your day than hers. We are supposed to forgive - but this doesn't mean that she has to be your friend any longer - you don't have to see her and be close to her to forgive her.

Here is a link to a Bible study for broken relationships - such as the one with your friend:
http://www.nacronline.com/dox/library/biblestudies/broken.pdf

I hope that some of this helps and I am wishing you well.