Dear Danish,

I just read your story and I am sad that you are having to go through all this. From your website, I can tell you are a very talented artist and photographer.

I am glad that you are feeling strong. With how your H is acting frankly I am glad if you are not crying and feeling like you are OK without him. I think you made the right move on the custody request. Don't be surprised by his anger- he wants everything to go easy for him and he will react in anger when you stand up to him. It's also possible he will want joint custody so he can pay less child support and then he'll have OW taking care of your son. (I doubt he would be planning on taking care of son all alone in the longterm, most of these guys want to have a woman handling it for them).

Stand up to him firmly but calmly and whatever you do, do not let him bait you into anger and losing your temper. Remember he made this choice and he will have to live with the consequences. Be strong and protect yourself!

Definitely a Plan B is called for now. I don't know if you need to be completely rigid with it but obviously you don't want to interact with him while he is living with OW. This will keep him from fence straddling while he gets his fix with you and OW.

Set up a visitation schedule and stick to it. Set up a schedule you can live with if you are divorced. For example, son spends Wednesdays after school at Dad's and returns home after dinner, and spends every other weekend at Dad's. Dad does not hang out with son at your place. Think of it this way, if you do divorce, and meet a new boyfriend some day, will that man want your X hanging around your house visiting? I should say NOT! Would your new BF want you taking vacations with your XH so your son could have family time? No!

Spell out everything down to the last detail. What time son goes places, who is responsible for taking him or picking him up, vacations, holidays etc. Do the same for expenses. Hold your WH to his commitment regarding visits and money. These are legal responsibities that he can't avoid.

I don't know if you will have to interact at some point with OW but I would do my best to swallow any anger. You could let her know that you are devastated and shocked by your husband's infidelity but that at the very least you are counting on your H to come through as a father to his son. Don't ever insult her but you can in a subtle way mindf#ck with her. (I can explain how) Is she younger than your husband? Do you think she wants to have children with him?

Your son will find all this confusing having to interact with OW and suddenly see her in your place. I think the best thing is to give him as much structure as possible.

How was your marriage prior to the appearance of OW? Were there any issues or problems that could have made your husband vulnerable to the temptations of an affair? (Note: in no way does it justify it).

I am glad you are feeling strong. Your H may well find out that "Aussie" is not who he thought and that living with someone who does not speak Danish is a drag in the long run. She may well tire of being an outsider in a foreign country.

Good luck and keep painting!

I should add, that if the apartment of WH is small, that is not your problem. Let WH figure out how to accommodate son. Maybe son will have to sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag next to that new bed? I am sure OW won't mind!

Make him take his computer, tell him you are too heart broken to see any reminders of him right now and you're sure OW can help him figure out the website. Tell him being abandoned is very stressful so you need to pamper yourself and focus on healing so you won't fall apart from grief. Tell him you are in a delicate state right now so he needs to give you your space.

>>>>> From your website, I can tell you are a very talented artist and photographer.

Thank you so much, espoir! I haven't done much in that area lately but I'm beginning to feel inspired to make art again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I also want to thank you for reading my story - your response is very vauable to me!

WH called last night and we made a schedule for visitation covering the summer/vacation time.
It's difficult to set up a strict schedule though. Even though I agree that my son will need structure in his life, he is 13 and will have a great deal of influence on when and where he is going to spend time with his dad. To a certain degree it depends on when S's friends are 'available' - when they are he'll rather be with them.

I don't think I'll have to interact with OW in the near future. She can stay in Denmark until christmas - then she must go back to Australia and according to the Danish emigration-rules she cannot visit Denmark the next 8 months after that. It's very expensive to travel to Australia so I guess WH can't afford to go there either - unless he borrows some money.

>>>>>> How was your marriage prior to the appearance of OW? Were there any issues or problems that could have made your husband vulnerable to the temptations of an affair?

A very good question! I'll do my best to answer and this will be a great opportunity for me to reflect on what caused my husband to fall in love with OW.
There are a bunch of reasons for him to drop me - as I see it now, not many reasons for him to stay:
1. I wanted one more child but gave it up when I was 40 - WH didn't like the responsability that comes with kids.
2. WH stopped smoking 10 years ago - I tried a 100 times to quit but never succeeded. He hates it... I do too, and I'm quitting now!
3. I don't care much for sports except from sailing and fishing which WH enjoys too - WH loves biking, running, walking.
4. I'm a christian - WH has been engaged in a 'New Age' spirituality 'religion' for years. He has always dreamt of being a healer and meditates several times a day. He believes in some kind of hierarchy in 'heaven' and on earth - and he thinks that he is among the 'chosen ones'. He and OW shares that 'religion'. I'll never be able to compete with that - and I don't want to to be honest.
This difference in our religion is a major issue for him I'm sure. He told me on the phone when he was in Spain (with OW!) that they sent healing to me.
Despite of his beliefs he lives a very ordinary life. When he went to Spain it was purely of spiritual reasons. He wouldn't drink alcohol or eat meat. He would live a simple life and the whole journey (walk) was supposed to be a step up in the hierarchy of saved souls. He thought he would be a better and more loving person when he came home. The trip was ment to be a spiritual cleansing experience - I KNOW he thought he loved me when he left!

The truth is that he DID drink wine, he DID eat meat, he even comitted adultery, he lied, he used way too much money. He couldn't keep his promises to himself or to me... and now he is able to justify his behaviour to himself and the world - because HE FOUND HIS SOULMATE!
It's beyound my imagination how he can do what he did and still think he is 'Gods gift to humanity'!?

Sex has always been great. In fact that was the only 'good' thing he said about me when he said that he wanted a divorce. He told me how tired he was of me - "- except from sex!" he said. Maybe OW didn't fill his needs in that area quite as good as I did? - but that's only speculations on my part... and now it doesn't really matter.

We both enjoyed being with friends and family together. We talked a lot and share views on politics, music and lots of other things. He always admired me/was proud of me for my artistic skills - and I admired him for almost everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
At times we argued a lot over little things. I wanted to discuss the issue and find a solution but he told me to shut up and sometimes he was mad at me for days. In the 15 years together he never said "I'm sorry" one time. He wanted things to be done his way and always thought he was right. Argues and disagreements ended when I said "I'm sorry".
Now that WH isn't in the house anymore I can feel the difference. Noone is nagging at me and that feels great! I can do whatever I want - not feeling like walking on eggshells all the time...(expression?)

I'm a bit ambivalent - I want my husband back - but it would take a tremendous amount of work for us both to get the great relationship we both deserve. And of course - he don't want ME at all.

Thanks again, espoir! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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<small>[ July 12, 2003, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: Danish ]</small>

(((((Ginger)))))

>>>>> You hang in there keep posting even if it is not happy talk we all care and want to know what is happening with you.

Thank you. Your care means a lot to me!
My son seems very adaptive to this situation at the moment - I hope it will last but in the long run I'm not sure he'll be OK.
The things we teach our kids will stick with them for a lifetime, so I try to handle everything the way I believe is best for him - but only time will tell if I did a "good job". My son means the world to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear Danish,
I have been following your posts and I am truly sorry for your pain. I decided to post to you because of somethings that you wrote in your last post...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A very good question! I'll do my best to answer and this will be a great opportunity for me to reflect on what caused my husband to fall in love with OW.
There are a bunch of reasons for him to drop me - as I see it now, not many reasons for him to stay:
1. I wanted one more child but gave it up when I was 40 - WH didn't like the responsability that comes with kids. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry but that is not a reason for him to leave you... just because you wanted another child. I understand that he didn't want to add to his responsibility but he still had another son whom he was supposed to be an example for.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't care much for sports except from sailing and fishing which WH enjoys too - WH loves biking, running, walking. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again, if you love someone you don't leave them because they do not enjoy sports....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm a christian - WH has been engaged in a 'New Age' spirituality 'religion' for years. ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When you posted this it was like a light turned on in my head... As a christian I truly believe that there are forces in this world that work directly against those who believe in Christ. These spirits come directly from Satan and disguise themselves as Angels of Light, New Age religions, and all sorts of religions, which are meant to distract the soul of man from the only true God, and from the salvation that comes from Jesus Christ alone.
When you say that your husband is involved in this sort of religion, it made me realize that of course he would not want to be around someone who didn't share the same beliefs as him... And believe me, it was nothing that you did, you could have been the most perfect wife, lover, partner, he would still have left, because you didn't share in his nonsense... and when he found this woman who is of the same mind he immediately forgot about his love for you....
I am sorry that you have to go through this pain, but nothing happens in our life that it is not allowed by God. He sees your pain and he knows how to heal your heart. You say that you are a christian, but have you brought your sorrow to God, have you surrendered your love for this man, your son's future, to the God who made you?

I truly believe that God has the best plans for us. When we surrender our future and our lives to him, he helps us to get through the pain and get to a place where we find true happiness.
I hope that you understand what I am trying to say to you. God loves you, he knows you, and he cares for your future. Trust Him.

Hi Danish,
I read your post before I left for work this morning and I thought about you all day.When I got home I saw that there was another post from some one and would'nt you know they said just what I have been thinking all day.
I also am a christian,and when I read about your H being involved in New Age I said "bingo" no wonder things changed so rapidly after he came home.
I believe you are not only dealing with the issue of the A but also a real demonic force that has got a hold of your H and we all need to began to pray against that not only for you and your M but for his salvation.
He is not only living in a fog he is being blinded to the truth of God and his love.
I can see why you have been able to still love him even with all he has done it is the Lord in you his grace that makes it possible,I know it is Gods grace that has kept me afloat all this time and his grace alone that has made it possible for me to make it day to day through all of this.

As for your son,I am sure he will be fine the pain and anger he may face as he gets older will not be your fault but that of your H.Your H will need to take responsibility for what he is doing to his child.

We have four kids and my H is not really a kid person oh he loved having babies but as they grew he was never involved much I did most things myself,you know,school plays,baseball,dance recitals,field trips all of that it was usually just me I think people thought I was a single mom.I always took the kids to church alone.He does not have a good relationship with the kids they always come to me with thier problems.

Danish I am sure you were a great wife.It is ok to have different interest than our spouses.It is when we are willing to sacrifice a little for each other that counts you do something for him,he does somthing for you.It can not always be you doing and getting nothing in return.

Thank you for your support for me you are a very special lady and I am glad to have been able to get to know you a little through our post.

Good luck stay strong and I will continue to pray for you and your H.

Danish,

Just wanted you to know that I stopped by and was thinking of you. I know this is a hard time, but you have shown your strength in so many ways, so keep the faith. hugs to you.

Hi Danish- sorry I didn't respond earlier but I haven't been able to go online much this weekend. Thanks for your post.

It's good that you were able to work out visitation with your husband. And I know it is necessary to be flexible. But be careful.

#1) Yes you need to be flexible due to your son's social life but the schedule should not really be your son's choice. He can see his friends while he is staying at his father's. Having a structured schedule prevents your son from playing parents against each other- for example, getting mad at mom and saying he wants to go to dad's because dad doesn't discipline as much (he might not do this now, but he is only 13 and things could change). Your son should see each parent and that should not be up to his whim or be particularly negotiable. Yes there should be some flexibility for you and your WH's convenience.

#2)As you play out the schedule, imagine in your mind that you are divorced and remarried. And if your WH asks for accommodations or concessions see if those requests would be things you would go along with if you were divorced and remarried. Because the whole idea is for your WH to experience what it would be without you- to be divorced and truly lose you.

Your WH sounds immature and self centered to me. (My H was the same before his A). He is hitting middle age and like Peter Pan, panicking at the idea of being a grown up. An affair is a great adrenaline shot for that. It distracts a man from facing middle age and temporarily gives that feeling of youth.

I think the connection with OW is just that they share a hobby- this new age religion. It could be golf or bowling or anything. What he is not seeing is that you and he share things- your son and other interests- that he and OW don't share.

I think you are right to focus on yourself and I heartily encourage to quit smoking. Firstly it is an annoying habit that may bother your husband and your son as well. Plus you shouldn't expose your kid to cigarette smoke. But most importantly you need to take care of your health. I have seen too many people's lives destroyed by smoking. (I'm a nurse). If you have been smoking for a long time it may be very difficult to break the addiction. Women especially have a hard time breaking the addiction. There are several things that can help (and I have known this to work for some people)- *get a prescription for Zyban also known as Wellbutrin. It is an anti-depressant that has also been shown to work for people who are quitting smoking. *withdraw off nicotine slowly by using a nicotine patch- you move down levels week by week. *think about joining a support group or see if there is telephone support for smokers who are breaking addiction *exercise as much as you can *try to keep your hands busy with an activity (my sister in law played video games but something like knitting or drawing might help too)
Good luck and I hope you manage to quit.

Do stuff for yourself and forget about your WH for a while. I am glad you are feeling independant from him. It's good if you don't have to deal with OW (although is OW aware that she destroyed a family and broke up a marriage? Doesn't seem like good new age karma to me!)

Hi Danish,

Just doing my daily check in with you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

>>>>>> Lost_lonely
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When you posted this it was like a light turned on in my head... As a christian I truly believe that there are forces in this world that work directly against those who believe in Christ. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you!
WH believes in Christ too but as I see it he mixes the different religions as he pleases. It's not a big issue for me because I used to know him and know what a kind person he was before. I'm Christian but I don't "practice" my religion. I don't go to church on a regular basis - but I am a believer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

>>>>> Ginger
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Danish I am sure you were a great wife.It is ok to have different interest than our spouses.It is when we are willing to sacrifice a little for each other that counts you do something for him,he does somthing for you.It can not always be you doing and getting nothing in return.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you! I have to tell you that I feel I was a great wife most of the time but I made mistakes in the M too. I was not always good at telling him what I felt. I didn't always praise him when he did something for me. WH and I did almost the same amount of housework & cooking, - not many men are like that!
I know it's OK to have different interests but as I see it know it was one of many things that caused our M to fail in the end...

>>>>> Star*fish
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just wanted you to know that I stopped by and was thinking of you. I know this is a hard time, but you have shown your strength in so many ways, so keep the faith. hugs to you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is a hard time for sure. I'm trying to grow - to learn what I can from this experience - to be a better and stronger person in the future. Hugs to you too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

>>>>> espoir

Thanks again! What you said about having a structured schedule makes sense to me! My son cannot have friends visiting at dads place. There's no room for them. My son slept on the couch in the livingroom the one night he spent there. OW lives there too you know...

I know I have to quit smoking. It will be one of my goals for the near future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's good if you don't have to deal with OW (although is OW aware that she destroyed a family and broke up a marriage? Doesn't seem like good new age karma to me!)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW knows! I wrote her a letter before she came to Denmark to live with my husband.
Really BAD karma I think - but they are in love so they'll find all kinds of excuses to why their actions are blessed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

------------------------------------------------

Yesterday my son was with WH and OW the whole day. WH had borrowed his brothers car and they went to the beach and sightseeing - WH wanted to show OW all the beautiful places in the area. Son had a nice day.

Hi Danish,

We all make mistakes do things we should not.I could make you a long list of the things I did wrong.But I never cheated,I never broke our wedding vows,remember they were for better or worse and sometimes life has alot of worse in it.
You I am sure can say the same thing.Every thing else is repairable,but a broken heart never really mends I don't think,betrayed trust is hard to get back.All my wrongs will never hurt him like it would if I was unfaithful.
I can tell you that the physical abuse I went through was easier to forget and forgive then this is.That was just bruises on the skin,the bruises on my soul and yours are much more difficult to repair.

Please do not blame yourself for a very bad choice you H made.

You are always in my prayers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I wonder if it will be OK if I keep posting in the JFO section even though WH and I are legally separated? I don't know where else to move to - I just hate the thought of posting in "Divorced" so soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

No real update today.
WH is living his fantasy with OW and I'm in a kind of a waiting position - waiting for OW to leave Denmark.
I know it will be difficult for them to maintain their relationship when OW goes back to Australia. I'm anxious to see how and if WH will pursue this IMHO hopeless R with her. Denmark has a VERY strict immigration policy which means OW cannot live here even if they decide to marry later on. Because they met each other in Spain (not Denmark - not Australia) it will be even harder for them. Of course there is exeptions to the rules and if they REALLY want this R I'm sure they'll find a way.

>>>>> Ginger

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Please do not blame yourself for a very bad choice you H made.

You are always in my prayers </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so happy to be in your prayers! You are in my prayers too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I don't blame myself for what my H did - but I dom blame myself for not beeing the wife I could have been. If I had been up to my best my H would never have cheated on me.
Now I have to fix me and MY life - for me and my son. I wish my WH would join us sometime in the future, but if he don't I will succeed to have a happy life without him.

I will keep posting here if there are no objections to that...

Hello Danish,

I think that it is fine if you post here,I don't know but this is where I stay I don't know where to go we really are not in recovery because my H has really done nothing to help fix the problem.
Yes he is doing some things different but he refuses to address the real issue his A.
He feels by just ingnoreing it,it will all go away and every thing will be fine.
I know we can not dwell on it forever but if I am still in so much pain I feel there is still something wrong and we need to do something about it.

You keep saying if you had been a better wife he would not have cheated,I can remember saying the same thing to you and I think you told me that was not true that I could have been a perfect wife and he still could have cheated.That what he did was his choice not mine.I wanted to remind you of this because you and I are in the same place,blameing ourselves for something we did not do.Please take the advise you gave me and use it for yourself.

I hope I do not sound like I am being mean I am not but it hurts me to see you blame yourself.

One time my H told me it was my fault he cheated.I thought long and hard on that and then after a couple of hours I returned to him and said I refuse to accept that what you did was my fault,you made the choice to cheat not me.Yes we were having problems but if he and I would have sat down and talked about what was going on I know we would have worked them out we always do.But he did not do this,instead HE chose to began a relationship with someone else and talk to her about our problems,and in the end things are worse now than then.He can see it to.He has told me as bad as things were it does not compare to how things are now because of what he did.

I don't know if anything I said will help with how you are feeling I hope so.
If you move to a different forum let me know so I can find you.

Have a good day.

danish,

It's not your fault that your H cheated.

Was H the perfect husband to you? The perfect, flawless prince of your dreams, never making a wrong move, getting on your nerves or letting you down? I am sure the answer is no. Did he have some flaws, annoying habits, etc.? I am sure he did. Did you stand by him faithfully despite those flaws and disappointments? Yes.

You mentioned that you had wanted another child- quite reasonable to want your child to have a sibling. H did not. You compromised and worked with him to accommodate his point of view. You did not leave him or cheat on him or run off to have a child with another man just because your H was not "perfect".

You are right that not sharing interests can be dangerous. What was dangerous was that your H went off on the holiday in Spain without you. Taking separate vacations is not a good idea. Even you had some different interests while on the vacation, it is important to be together. But that isn't your fault. If I remember correctly your H convinced you to go along with his plans.

The reality is that marriage is a longterm endeavor between 2 people that requires constant care, commitment and attention. I think people get tired of the work and seduced by the heady feeling of freedom and novelty that comes with an affair. The fact is that his relationship with OW will require just as much work, if not more. He has to support 2 households, not one- more expensive. She probably won't be able to find much of a job in Denmark not speaking Danish even if they do overcome the immigration problems. How is she going to like being in gatherings of his friends when they are all speaking in Danish and she is sitting in the corner? And how is he going to like it when she starts pressing him to have children- you didn't mention her age but I suspect her biological clock is ticking. Yes, right now they are in their own little world together and WS can convince himself that everything is fabulous and wow, his son doesn't even mind it and likes OW! so that probably seems like it has gone smoothly. But I think that ultimately problems will surface...

But you need to focus on you and ignore WS and leave him to his fantasy....

good luck! thinking of you...

It's too soon to go to D/D. You could post in General Questions II- I think there is more traffic over there and it is the place for people who are in Plan A or B and coping with an ongoing affair but they are still trying to see if they can salvage their marriage.

Thank you so much, espoir. Your reply is as always very valuable to me.

You're right, WH wasn't always the perfect partner either and actually I don't feel like I'm suffering from low self esteem because of his affair. Of course I feel rejected and abandoned but I still think I'm a good person worth loving... I still feel attractive too - he left me but he mainly did what he did because of HIM - not because I was a bad wife.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are right that not sharing interests can be dangerous. What was dangerous was that your H went off on the holiday in Spain without you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was sad when he left but I didn't realize how dangerous it was and neither did he. We couldn't afford the 3 of us to go - so he went alone. We both had the impression that walking the distance of 480 miles would be a tough physical challenge (it was) and some kind of a cleansing experience for him - churches all along the way and lots of praying (the original idea of the Camino pilgrimage 1900 years ago and up till today is to give people forgiveness for their sins!!!!). After WH left I searched the net for facts on "the camino" and I was VERY surprised to read that this walk was a life-changing experience for people - and surprised to find out that every year more than 50.000 people from all over the world walk this "pilgrimage".
Plenty of chances to meet a new "soulmate"!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How is she going to like being in gatherings of his friends when they are all speaking in Danish and she is sitting in the corner? And how is he going to like it when she starts pressing him to have children </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The majority of people in Denmark speeks english - but still not at a level where it feels natural in a conversation.

The biological clock - OH YES! I thought of that too - she's 35! When WH told me about her (before I confronted him whit the ? of the A) I asked him: Does she have any children? Does she want any. "I think she wants a child - but she was in a 10 year relationship prior to her journey and 'they' never got pregnant".

-----------------------------------------------

New questions ?????????????? Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

1. I'm very disappointed WH don't seem to be interested in talking to our son! They have been together 2 days since OW arrived 28/06 and WH only talked to S on the phone twice - S is hurt that dad never calls him. Should I point that out to WH next time we talk????

2. Concerning our 6 year old dog - also abandoned by WH who used to take him for walks every day. I've found a new home for him because I can't afford to stay in the house - should I be nice to WH (who haven't showed ANY interest in the dog since he left) and tell him he can come by and say goodbye - or should I just let the dog go and tell WH when/if he asks?

3. WH refuses to pay CS - said he can't afford it (I know he's supporting OW who ran out of money). He will not get away with it forever - the law will eventually force him to pay - not much (150 $ a month) but better than nothing. Should I call him and let him know that S and I are close to starving or should I get some help from my family instead?

Sorry for taking your time - some days I feel insecure about almost everything. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: Danish ]</small>

Hi Danish,

Glad to see you back today it has been a few days.
I don't know what to tell you about your questions,my first thought is he has to pay the price for what he did so if he shows up and wants to know what happened to the dog,tell him,he is gone I can not afford to feed myself,S and dog.
About CS,he made the baby he has to pay,150$ is nothing,let me tell you a story if you have time.

My son got involved in drugs,we were desperate to get him help,I will not go into all we had to do it was a nightmare but the bottom line is we finally found a place to place him for help.It took a miricle from God but it happened.He was there about 8mo.and H and I were served with court papers to pay CS for S who was in the program.They did not care how we would live,we had to pay they garnished our wages 445.00per mo.from my H,180.00per mo.from me if you add that up I think it is just over 600.00a mo. for 1 child.We had to move into an apt.and cut living expences any way we could but we had to do it.
My son is doing good,he came home today!

What I am trying to say is your H has to pay and if that means change his life style oh well.You have to change yours right?

And as for your H talking to S.I would let S know the trueth,right now the most important person in H life is OW.Let your S decide how he feels about what H is doing.It may change things alot when H relizes he can not have his cake and eat it too.(an american saying)

I'm sorry if I sound harsh today it has not been a good day for me H is acting stupid.Maybe I am not the one to give advice on men right now.

Good luck talk to you soon.

Hi Ginger - always glad to hear from you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The issue about the dog solved itself. My son called WH to ask when he could see him again and told him we found a new home for the dog.

What a nightmare you must have been through when your son was taking drugs. And the bills were enormous!!! I'm so glad to hear your S came out of it ok.
Something like that would never happen in Denmark - well, we have some drug related problems in my country too but the treatment don't cost any money. All danes who work pays fairly high taxes and that covers ALL expences for healthcare, schools and so on. Illness will never ruin a family because the hospitals wont charge you - and you can visit your GP as many times you need to - for free - we do pay 40% of what medications cost though - but not when we are hospitalized - then it's all free. The healtcare system here is great I think! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm feeling a little better today. I haven't seen or spoken to WH in almost a week now and somehow I don't even miss it. I think he is gone for good and I'm ready to move on.

Wow,
A whole week without talking to him?
I am so sorry,I guess at first it hurts so bad and then you just must get so tired of the hurt it is better just to try and go on.
I know God will give you back all that Satin stole from you.

It would be so nice to health care like that here.People here could go bankrupt over a major medical bill if they have no insurance.We have great insurance through H work but it does not cover things like what we were going through.Only thirty days in a hospital rehab and you have to qualify plus there has to be an opening.Believe me it was a nightmare and I am nervous I don't want him to get involved again.The last few years of my life have been so stressful and the A did me in.I don't know why my H was so selfish to do that knowing how much stress we had already been dealing with.

I am glad to hear you are doing better.
Take care and talk to you soon.

Dear Danish,
Sorry I didn't respond earlier- I'm not on the board so often nowadays.

-glad the situation with the dog worked out

-as for the situation with your son, you can't get in between him and your H. You can't "manage" their relationship, your H has to do that. All you can do is 1) encourage your son to express his feelings to his father 2) set up a structured visitation with Wh and hold him to it. I don't know if your WH would do this, but alot of WH just want to see their kids when it is convenient for them- they will cancel, switch dates around etc. Let's say Wh sees son every Wednesday. At the last minute he calls and says, no I can't do it. You say, I'm sorry, I made plans... you'll have to hire a babysitter. Even though it seems harsh, do this in the beginning, don't accommodate him, because Wh must realize that visitation is not a choice, it's an obligation.

-As for child support, HE MUST PAY. Even if it means he and OW have to live on rice and beans. DOn't tell him you can get help from your family. take him to court to get the money if you have to, can you get it taken directly from his paycheck as we can in the states?