Two weeks ago I accidentally found the drugs in my husbands office for treating the STD. In the same bag I also found a piece of paper with what looked like a disease name written in Latin. I found out on the Internet that the drugs he was taking are prescribed for sexually transmitted infections, and name of the disease confirmed that it was a STD. It was surprise of a life time! My world turned upside down in one afternoon. My husband is away now in another country and I can not talk to him.
I remembered that 3 years ago after my husband came back from the trip abroad where he visited his parents (our son was with him at that time) he complained of the urinary track infection and insisted that we use condoms. After a while, he also said that it would be wise if I went to a doctor just as a precaution. I went. Never asked the doctor what is it I was tested on.

After this memory splash, I immediately went back to a doctor and this time asked what I was tested on. I have a new doctor, but the records were there...my husband came to a doctor with the symptoms of STD and the doctor suggested that I would be tested as well. Both of us were prescribed the antibiotics. I don't even remember that. How stupid of me and how blind I must of been.

When I could no longer carry this pain, I emailed my husband and told him about what I found. Thank God I came to this site first and my email to him was not even close to screaming, judging and blaming him. I just asked to explain (without telling him that I went to the doctor). By the way, all this rational thinking was also possible with the help of antidepressants that I started taking almost immediately. It was absolutely unbearable.

Of course the reply I received was not even denial but simply confusing stuff like: "this is not what you think..", "..you jumped to a conclusion too fast..", "you have made up mind, so do whatever you want, etc"

Since then I emailed him twice and didn't get any response. I know he is checking his emails regularly. I don't want to corner him by telling him I went to a doctor, I want to give him a chance to explain what I found. I want to give him a benefit of the doubt. Although it is extremely hard since I think I have very convincing evidence.

Anyway, here is my question. I am going to meet him in a couple of days. And knowing my husband (we have been married for 19 years!), I think he is going to avoid serious conversations and just pretend that nothing had happened until I cool down, or will be so drained by the tension that I will just give in. And if I push to discuss and resolve, he withdraws completely. This is how the crises have been handled for the past 19 years. But it's never been this serious before.

What do you think I should do? Should I let him follow the same path in hopes that he might understand that this time our marriage is in danger and he will make an effort to discuss the situation? Should I have sex with him before I hear the explanation?
I mean we are taking about the STD here. What if he had other affairs since 3 years ago?
Deep down in my hart, I don't think it's the case but how can I be sure?

Please answer soon. Just talking to you really helps. I feel totally alone in this.

hurt

I think this needs to be confronted, for your own physical and mental well-being. My advice would be to compose an e-mail addressing your concerns, including the note you found, your doctors information etc. You could post it here for comment and I'm sure you will receive helpful feedback.
This is a serious issue that DOES threaten your marriage if it isn't dealt with. I would make that clear too. Do not sleep with him till this is resolved to your satisfaction.
As for being sure - you can't - you will have to trust him. But that trust has to be earned.

Good luck.
S.

hurt,

I can't possibly imagine what explanation for an STD that he could come up with that could explain this....but stay open minded and try not to LB while you hear it. Please talk to a doctor afterwards...for you own health....and for the correct information to either colaborate or deny your husband's explanation. My husband travels overseas, and I've had to face this nightmare also. There is so much availablity for sex in other parts of the world and lots of international businessmen fall prey to this temptation. I am sorry for you pain....and hope, though do not expect, that there is a more reasonable explanation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I talked to my husband on the phone after confronting him about my discovery. He produced the story that made me more confused. I can't tryst my gut feelings anymore. I am just so numb and hurt by everything that I am willing to accept it and move on. I tries to explain why is it important for me to know the truth but he kept repeating his story.
Here it is…
His treatment for STD started abroad. My H story was that the doctor abroad had made the wrong diagnosis. That he just had a urinary track infection.
I talked to my doctor and he said it is possible. What he explained is that if a guy comes to a D with the symptoms of STD, they do the test but don't wait for lab results. They start treating it as if the guy has an STD even if the guy insists that he didn't have any sexual contacts (doctors are skeptics as they should be) I will never know what the test results were since the doctor who prescribed the initial treatment is from abroad.

I am so confused about what to do anymore. I am meeting with him in a few days and really don't know if I should bring this up again. After his explanation, my continuous suspicion may seem like paranoia. I don’t want to push him away but I want to make sure that if the A did happened, I work on conditions that created it. It’s going to be hard since it is very difficult to fix something if you don’t know what’s broken.

Today we talked on the phone again and he seemed very cold and careful about what he says. He didn’t say he loved me since I discovered the STD. Although normally he would.
Any suggestions?

This is my response to him after today the “cold” phone conversation – no response from him.

“I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel after our phone conversation yesterday. Today, it seems like I am back to square one..feeling unloved, abandoned, not cared for...and lied to.
My head and my heart are at war and you don't do enough to end this war. there is nothing more i want right now as to get off this emotional roller coaster and find the safety and love I once knew. i feel hopeless and tired”