Yesterday I posted what is going on in my marriage, it is listed as wayward wife.

Today my in-laws have taken my 10 yoa son out of town and the wife plans to stay at their home while they are gone for the week.

She states she loves me and is willing to give the marriage a chance but that she no longer feels passion for me and without that passion she will not stay in the marriage.

I have asked her if the OP is now completely out of the picture, she stated that he no longer is calling her on the cell phone, but she does talk to him at work, he will call her extension and ask how she is doing and such, I have told her that for her A to end completely with him she has to terminate all but work related conversations only.

I also explained that if we love each other as we BOTH state we do, that the natural progression of things will lead back to a passionate love, am I wrong to believe this??

This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with and any thoughts are welcome.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by rookie:

She states she loves me and is willing to give the marriage a chance but that she no longer feels passion for me and without that passion she will not stay in the marriage.

I have asked her if the OP is now completely out of the picture, she stated that he no longer is calling her on the cell phone, but she does talk to him at work, he will call her extension and ask how she is doing and such, I have told her that for her A to end completely with him she has to terminate all but work related conversations only.

I also explained that if we love each other as we BOTH state we do, that the natural progression of things will lead back to a passionate love, am I wrong to believe this??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, but in order for passion to return to your marriage, SHE has to end all contact with the OM forever and have a willingness (like you) to commit to a marital plan of recovery that follows The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage and The Policy Of Joint Agreement.

Right now she cannot visualize ever falling back in love with you because she is emotionally attached to the OM. If her A is at its apex, it may take months (possibly years) before it ends BUT if you want to fight to save your marriage then you have to stop ALL love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands and disrespectful judgement) before you can have any hope that your love deposits (by fulfilling her most important EN(emotional needs)) are not withdrawn as fast as you put them in. I also recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley's 'Surviving An Affair', 'His Needs Her Needs' and 'Love Busters, as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's book 'Divorce Remedy' ASAP so you can start implementing the principles in them. But in the meantime I repeat, STOP ALL LOVE BUSTERS (ANGRY OUTBURSTS, SELFISH DEMANDS, AND DISRESPECTFUL JUDGEMENTS) IMMEDIATELY, and come here to vent your pain in frustrations as well as to geet support and advice from us, your fellow MBers.

Coffeman, I appreciate your response. I would like to emphasize, I never prior to finding out about the A never displayed ANY abusive behavior towards my wife, not that we didnt have the arguements from time to time, but they were always civil and were always resolved in a amicable manner. When I found out about the A, I believe it was in it's very early stages and requested it to cease, and yes, I do have to admit after 3-4 attempts to end the A I did display abusive behavior, never physically.

I dont know if you read my earlier posting, but after the cancer and surgery I had, along with the results, I was well on my way to a depressive state, include the fact that her mother also was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery I can understand how overwhelming it must have been for her, and how the OP became involved.

I did contact his wife, she is divorcing him because of the A, when I spoke with her it amazed me how similiar we both felt. She stated she would have taken him back, but he made no attempt to end the A and she could no longer stand it herself. The divorce is worrying me as he is now like a animal backed into a corner and I feel he is pressuring my W with guilt over HIS divorce and her being the reason for it.

We are both seeing a MC, but to no avail at this point (only 2 sessions jointly) I did see a therapist on my own as she has, I am now on medication to deal with the depressed state and am able to think rationally instead of emotionally which I think was of great help.

I have read about everything on this site and hope to apply it, I am going to buy the book today and read it while she is gone,

thanks again for the reply
rook

Interesting development, the wife did go to her parents home for the evening, but she stopped by to say she called the OP and told him it was over that she was going to attempt to work on the marriage, whe was very, very upset about it and I explained that I could understand how hard that it was to tell him that.(Very big attempt on my part to remain calm, which I did successfully)

She still stated that she loves me but not in love with me and doesnt know how she is going to get it back or if she will ever get it back. But it was a big first step in the right direction.

She did go back to her parents house as she felt she needed to be alone for the night to think things out. She is going to go out for dinner with me tommorow evening.

I did pick up the Love busters book, but was unable to find the others. Will keep checking.

It's a small step but one in the right direction, at least there is some hope.

Trying to maintain..........
Rookie

Rookie it makes me very happy that your W's affair with the OM has apparently ended, and you did a great job in being in control of your emotions for if you hadn't there was a good possibility that she would have gone back to him. But don't deceive yourself that it is over, for she still has to commit to no more contact forever with the OM and a willingness to follow The Policy Of Joint Agreement and The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage . There's still some more work to be done before you and your W can safely say that love has returned to your M. In the meantime keep avoiding all love busters and fulfill all of her EN(emotional needs) that you can.

As far as the other Harley books is concerned, you can get them from the MB bookstore or thru Amazon.com . Both have excellent delivery service and your books should arrive in less than 10 business days, so consider getting them thru one or the other.

Hi Rookie,
Yep, it looks like there is some hope.

I hope you have a very blessed dinner together.

I just found this site a few days ago. And from reading all of the A's. I don't know if I could handle if my husband did that, I would be "freaking out." You guys are seeming to handle it a lot better than I would.

Sincerely, -Ladysheep

Co9ffeman, Lady, thanks for the reply, any words of encouragement at this point are GREATLY appreciated.

I agree coffee with the fact that the A isnt over because of her conversation with him, but it was very obvious by her emotional state tonight that it was a intense situation for her to handle.

Lady, I dont believe that it is males that handle the situation better, it's that I followed the therapist's advice to see my doctor to obtain medication for the depression, I so happened to have a appointment with my therapist this evening and medicated prior to the appt., she arrived shortly after I returned home and I was still in a very calm state (better living through chemistry). I also have to credit this site for the advice I have recieved by reading the articles and hearing from people like yourself to better understand what happened, with that knowledge I feel that I am better able to remain calm knowing that if I dont I am only hurting any possiblities of any attempts on her part to try to make things work out.

I think at this point she is pretty amazed when she says things like I love you but not in love with you and I can remain calm and simply say I understand, but if we take small steps and not rush things we can become best friends again and with that the passion of our love will return.

rookie

Spoke with the wife on the phone this morning to see how she was dealing with letting the OP know it was over, her response is that it was never about him, but us and that she is not sure at all if it will work out. I had to agree that it was about us in the first place or there never would have been the OP.

I feel that once he is definetley out of the picture and she begins to think more clearly she will be albe to open up more, she denies this.

Still doing dinner tonight, but, have to try to keep it pretty low keyed.

Don't forget to update us on your dinner experience tonight.

Yeah,
Your right once OM is out of the picture entirely
she will begin to think more clearly.

In the meantime, you are doing a great job!!!

It's encouraging to know that you two are going
to dinner, and in the process of communicating!!
That's a good step. I hope the steps keep going forward for you always!!

God Bless,
Sincerly, -Ladysheep

I just got off the phone with the W, she definetley seems aggrivated with me, I simply asked how she was doing and such, general conversation.

Seems to me that she is very agrivated bout telling the OM that it's over and she it taking it out on me for ASKING her to do so. Yesterday she was communicating, today she was the ice queen.

Has anyone else had that problem when the WS tried to break the relationship off.

Seems very unfair to me, but I have to keep my cool, I've never strayed, tried to be the best husband possible and to be treated like this is killing me.

rookie:

This is not the least bit unusual. She's angry because you asked her 2 end the A, and because she knows that it's the right thing 2 do.

But that doesn't matter. What does is that you let HER make the decision 2 end it herself. This will be hard on you, because you know what you need, and you have the logic of knowing that it's ridiculous 2 have an A. But logic has nothing 2 do with human behavior, unfor2nately.

Patience, understanding, LISTENING, caring, and not demanding anything - these will get you what you want, because they will give her the "space" 2 decide for herself what she wants and what's right 2 do.

persevere,
-2long

Sorry to hear about your circumstances. I was fairly lucky that my wife's lover (I'm sorry i have no idea what the letter's mean and find it very annoying) was not only married also but evidently very much in love with his wife. The hot and heavy (physical part) was evidently very limited and lasted a couple of months. They then continued an emotional relationshipRight up until the start of this year. She also stopped working with him in April 02 which of course cooled the engines until she had our third child and then needed another emotional/physical boost. I didn't find out until this past March and we have been working our asses off to make this thing work. The thought of what would have happened if I found out during the hot and heavy definitely doesn't make me feel well. I'm afraid she would have acted like your wife has done and never come out fully with details and may have left out of the house altogether. My brother in law, (wife's sister's hubby) found out exactly 10 days after I found out that his wife was having an affair. Talk about bed timing. The thing about he and her is that her affair was still in full bloom which made her deny, deny and deny some more. She has supposedly ended her affair now but still has not given him any details. She also acknowledged multiple affairs and refuses to see a counselor. Sorry to not give any real advice but a few things must happen. All contact must end. She must divulge all the details. She must pledge to go to counseling. You both must realize why it happened and go through some tough times before repentance and forgiveness is possible. 3.5 months since I found out and forgiveness is still not close.

2long, D-day was at the end of January, been dealing with this for awhile, I retired from my job earlier(police officer)as I couldnt stand the stress of it while dealing with other peoples problems while dealing with my own.

I have to keep trying but I'm getting to the point that I cant deal with the pain any longer and am almost ready to say the hell with it.

Wife just left after dinner, she was not in the best of moods today so I fixed dinner at home.

Her mood was definetly not good, I asked if she was upset about telling the OP to break it off to which she said she was and that she cared very much for him and that it hurt. I explained that I understood this and that if we had any chance of surviving this she would have to commit herself to no further contact. This iritated her and she stated that it was not about her and him, but me and her and that she still does not think it is going to work out as she has no passion for me. I very calmly explained that she could not have passion for me when she was involved with someone else.She states that if it was up to her, she would divorce me, she says she is still willing to try, but not for long as she is not going to stay in a sexless marriage and she is unable to have sex with me as long as she does not feel any passion.

She now states that she started to loose feelings for me two and a half years ago, couple months ago it was a year ago and before it was when I displayed my anger in a abusive manner.

Only positive thing to come from tonight is she is going to fill out the EN and LB quetioneres.

I'm getting to the point I cant take the roller coaster, yesterday she was very sweet in her converstations today very cold and angry.

Last night when she came home after calling the OP to tell him it's over she held me while she sobbed for about 5 minutes, pretty humiliating to hold your wife while she cries over breaking up with the OP.

I cant stand living in limbo,,,,,but I still think there is a chance as long as the OP is out of the picture, but I dont know how long the ice queen routine is going to go on.

I hate to say this, since I definitely am not a therapist, but it sounds to me that you should show her the door. Let her thing go from part time to full time. See how trusting he is when she is late getting to him. Let her see him more and realize he isn't all that he is cracked up to be in her part time world when it becomes full time. Most relationships formed from cheating crash and burn. It is an incredible number and I am sure someone here has the exact one. I think it is around 80% of them that die a pitiful death. Sorry to say all of that but if my wife continued with even just the emotional side for very long that was my plan.

I am beginnning to think that I might have to go to the plan b phase, emotionally and physically I'm a wreck, I've lost over 30 lbs., cant sleep and cant eat. Have to get back into the world, but cant do it while I so immersed in this.

Just a question,, how long am I to try plan A when there is no real attempt by the WS?.

Seems that since March when this whole thing started all I've been doing is spinning my wheels.

I just recently found this site and for approx. a week and a half have applied the principles, prior to that it was seeing my own therapist and she hers. We've been seeing a MC for approx. 3 weeks, she does not seem receptive at all.

Correction, d-day was beginning of February, not March.
Rookie

Dear Rookie:

I just found this site today (Friday). I was searching for some type of support group, as what has happened to you, has happened to me with in the past month. Its amazing the similarities that lie between what happened to you and me. I found out about the affair from text messages the other guy was leaving on her cell phone. I confronted her, and she admitted to it. (By the way the other guy is married with children & his wife still does not know). My wife is saying the same things…”I love you but I’m not in Love with you”.

Nothing in this world means more to me than my family. I want our marriage to work, but she has stated that she is not giving it 100% to make it work.

Your right, this is the hardest thing I have had to go through. I feel like crap all the time. I’m never happy.

I just want to be happy again.