Those of you who are success stories, could you please give me a little insight.<P>This is a brief overview of my story, H moved in with other woman in Oct. 99 and has said all along there is no hope for us. He continuse to say this, but I feel differently. I believe that after a while he is going to realize what he is leaving behind and want to come home.<P>Anyway, some of my questions are...<P>1. How many of you had the S move out? in with OW?<BR>2. How many of you had the S say "it is over"?<BR>3. How long before the affair ended?<BR>4. How long before S decided to work on your marriage?<BR>5. How did you survive this time?<BR>6. How did you deposit units under these circumstances?<P>I have more, but have to go to work. I truly appreciate any responses you can give.<P> <P>------------------<BR>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.<P>www.widesmiles.org/gallery/britanie<BR>

Up for you Sheryl. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Hey Sheryl,<P>thanks, I need these answers too.<P>Still havent got to the other tarot reader yet, will let you know when I do.<P>Many hugs your way<P>Jo

mitme101 -- My story is different than most, but I will try to answer some of your questions.<P>1. How many of you had the S move out? in with OW?<P>My W moved out alright. Left while I was at work. I came home to find her and our D gone. She didn't move in with the OM though, because at that time, there was no other man. Her affairs didn't occur until later. She left because her family, specifically her mother, pushed her to leave me rather than deal with financialy problems.<P>2. How many of you had the S say "it is over"?<P>My W didn't so much say it was over, as simply completely ignoring me. Her family, specifically one sister, told me MANY times that it I should just get used to the idea of being divorced.<P>3. How long before the affair ended?<P>Again, our situation was different than most.<BR>My W's physical affair was a one night stand which occured shortly before we reconciled. She also had many internet affaris after we were back together again. The internet affairs ended immediately upon discovery.<P>4. How long before S decided to work on your marriage?<P>My W and I were seperated for about 6 months. She really wasn't interested in any real effort at working on "US" until she was diagnosed with an STD as a result of her physical affair.<P>5. How did you survive this time?<P>I have asked myself this question many many times. Realistically if it weren't for a very good friend of mine, I probably wouldn't have survived. I didn't find MB until after I discovery the internet affairs.<P>6. How did you deposit units under these circumstances?<P>I'm not sure. On those occasions when I saw my W during our seperation, I told her that I loved her, that I wanted to work on our marriage, and that I thought we could work everything out. I guess some things did get through to her, but I didn't know that until after we were back together.<P>Well, I don't know if any of this helps you or not. . .<P>God Bless<BR>

Nicole,<BR>Thanks for pulling back to the top, I was at work all day and son on computer most of the evening. Hope you are doing OK, I know you aren't doing well, so I won't even suggest that. Keep pluggin' along.<P>Jo,<BR>Thanks for the reply. I have been seeing mine about once a week for a short reading. I am seeing her again today. Hope she has good news to keep me going for a few more days.<P>ES,<BR>Thank you for the response. It does help. It helps me to know that there are people out there who have survived a seperation. I would like to know that when the betrayer says "NO WAY, NO HOW, IT IS OVER", that there is still hope to reconcile. These are the hardest words to hear. <P>My H came over for a couple of hours for D's 6th birthday, as he was walking away, he had his head down and I said, "Isn't this hard?" he just shook his head yes and kept walking away. I said stop, walked over to him and said "It doesn't have to be this way" and he replied "Yes, it does, it is over". But there is still love in his eyes, I just want to have a little hope that he will wake up and at least try to make it work.<P>Anyway, thanks for the help.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.<P>www.widesmiles.org/gallery/britanie<BR>

mitme:<P>I survived a separation with my wife. After I discovered her affair, I went to the "Plan A" approach, under the guidance of Steve Harley (which I would suggest---888-639-1639). She continued the affair, and after 6 months I separated from her (leaving her and our two children at home).<P>To survive this period, it's essential that you have a supportive network. For me, this included Steve Harley as a counselor and a few close friends who were very supportive in my efforts to reconcile the marriage (no "dump the wife" cheerleaders). Although my family was also very supportive after they found out (just a few weeks before separation), I didn't depend on them too much---I didn't want to damage the relationship that they had with my wife. I suggest that you keep your circle of support as small as you can.<P>For me, we were separated for only a couple months. She never moved in with the OM (or vice versa), but they visited often enough so that she ended up pregnant. I came back home to "support" her by taking care of the kids while she decided whether to end the affair or not. Within a few months the affair was over---the OM put his lovebank strongly into the negative with all his threats concerning the yet-to-be-born child.<P>Depositing love units is tough (nearly impossible) at this time. You need to be CONSISTANT with your spouse: let them know (verbally) that you have faith in the marriage, believe that love can be restored, and do not want to divorce. To back up those words, you need to demonstrate behavior consistant with this message: no lovebusters, try to understand your spouse's "view" respectfully (even if it seems insane), and demonstrate loving gestures that don't seem threatening or manipulative.<P>My wife (in email to the OM) said that she never loved me. Married me for all the wrong reasons. And it was clear that there was very little love for me in her behavior during the affair. That can change---you have to change your behaviors first (eliminate lovebusters), and then the affair has to end.

My H began his affair Dec. 98.. I found out about it March 99. He tried to end it with ow, but 3 weeks later I caught him contacting her and kicked him out. (This was before I read Surviving an Affair).. I was in a plan B pretty much, but didnt know it.. I was planning on divorcing my H, and he knew it.. Then I read SAA..<P>The book gave me hope... My H would come to the house and leave me notes, he would call and cry on the answering machine.. I didnt give in right away.. My H had moved in with and also signed a lease to an apartment with the ow.. He even came home and got some of the furniture that I had decided to give to him. But I was decent with him.. He continued to try to stay in contact with me whether it would be an excuse about the lawn, the mower, the bills,, etc...<P>I wrote him a letter finally and told him that I would like to save our marriage, but would not let him have contact with me at all until he was done for sure with ow. I even changed my pager number.. Well, he still didnt get it.. He tried to page me and found that it had been changed.. He wrote me another letter and told me he was scared and he wanted what we had back.. I responded only to the business portion of the letter and not to him wanting me back. He really got upset and worried... I finally paged him and said for him to give me a call if he was SERIOUS about ending it with ow and making a great effort in restoring our marriage........<P>Well,,, He responded we talked.. He moved back home.. (He was living with ow for 2 months).. But thats not the end.....it gets better.......He broke his lease with ow and had to pay big bucks to do it.. For the first 2 months he was home, it was the walking on eggshells feeling like you have when you first date someone.. THEN>.......The worst happend. H went to get some things with ow and pay her off the lease......It sent him right back into doubting me and our marriage again... I found evidence in Sept., that he had seen her a couple of times.. When I confronted him, he started crying and said he loved me but needed help///////.. Then......get this.....H told me ow bought a house around the corner from us and we had to move.. (We had just built our beautiful new dream house).. <P>We go on vacation things get better and for the first time, I see the fog start to lift from my h.. He started being happier, and more affectionate the way he used to be with me... I started to really get my hopes up..... A month later......whammo.....again, more evidence he seen her.....I have relived the pain a few times and it hasnt been easy..<P>Now,,, my h is getting help from some people that have been there... Ow has a new boyfriend and I believe that this thing is just dying a natural death like Harley says.... It isnt easy to deal with..<P>How did I deal with this all? Well, this board has been a gift from god.. Everytime I wanted to give in, I would read here, or Kat1 has been helping me on email. There have been a lot of people on this board that have helped me...<P>The biggest thing I have learned is to play it cool... You have to keep calm and plan A until you cant anymore.....I lovebusted when my h would find out I snooped to check on him.....that was the only time.. I dont do that anymore..... I pray and I have tried to concentrate on myself. Try not to read into every little thing your H does because it can drive you nuts because their emotions are on the biggest roller coaster you will ever ride.. Try to stay steady, and strong.. Its hard to do, but after a few trial and errors and some advice from Kat1, I have finally been able to do it..<P>I want to help people, but I usually dont post here because everytime I think something is going better whammo..... But when I see people going through the same thing, I want to help..<P>I honestly NEVER believed that we could make it, and I especially never believed my h would have come home after signing the lease with ow......but he did.......<P>Please let me know if there is anything else I can do to help.

K and Mickey65,<P>Thanks so much for the info and advice. I truly appreciate it.<P>I am feeling a little better tonight, I got a little over 3 hrs sleep last night (more than I've had in a long time) and feel like I can face another day.<P>Thanks again for the help.<P><P>------------------<BR>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.<P>www.widesmiles.org/gallery/britanie<BR>

hi mitme, my situation is a bit different than most here as h works overseas. And once the last affair was out in the open, his history came out too, which was very damamging indeed.<BR>1. How many of you had the S move out? in with OW?<BR>The OW moved into my h's room while overseas. <BR>2. How many of you had the S say "it is over"?<BR>He said it was over, done, finis, never again, etc, when he was caught. SOmetimes I think he wanted to get caught because he realized he has a serious problem. He was pulling away from the relationship very hard in order to maintain his dignity regarding the other affairs/problem with addiction.<BR>3. How long before the affair ended?<BR>A couple months after discovery.<BR>4. How long before S decided to work on your marriage?<BR>Hard to say...he was overseas so 2 way communication was difficult. Initially it appeared that he ended the affair first, b ut later I found out that he was wanting to work on the marriage, but still seeing her, talking to her. All communication stopped after a few months.<BR>5. How did you survive this time?<BR>Kept busy!! Worked on self, read, exercised, tried to learn as much as I could from any and all. Went to counseling, but it was a disaster!! Some here know of those horrors!! Posted a lot. I was about worthless at work as concentration was hard.<BR>6. How did you deposit units under these circumstances?<BR>H would call, write, and fax, and I would remain pretty positive, kind of business like. I wrote him letters, some pretty horrid ones now that I think about it!! But he never complained about them. He siad that if he had realized the terrible pain he was creating, he would have never hurt me like he did. So, while a few letters were LBs, in a major way, he learned from them. I tried to plan a all I could. The key for me was to stay focused on the goal. As soon as I would get lost in depression and pain, the goal would start to fade. STAY FOCUSED. <BR>I think it helped me to write. I kept a journal, which is really dismal in places-YIKES!! It was easier to express myself lovingly thru the pen than thru my voice. I am not sure I could have put on a real good plan a act in person. I was really really angry, so writing was a lot better for me. Something else that helped me was to print and tape all sorts of positive motivators around the house. It helped me refocus quickly when I would get off track,<BR>

cl,<BR>Thanks for the reply, this is just the kind of things I was wanting to know. I know that it is different for everyone, but to hear the details of others really helps. I know that just because it only took your H a couple of months after discovery to end the affair, doesn't mean that it will be the same for mine. I just wanted to hear some statistics, I guess.<P>Every time I hear H say, "It is OVER" I just die a little more inside. It really helps to hear that other betrayeds have heard the same things and gone on to reconcile. Thank you so much for the reply.<P><P>------------------<BR>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.<P>www.widesmiles.org/gallery/britanie<BR>