Hello All,

Over the course of the past 18 months, I have found out things about my "perfect" husband that have both shocked and saddened me. Not to mention all the anger and betrayal I feel.

Have you heard of those "perfect" marriages? The ones where all your friends envy you? The ones where both partners respect and love each other? The ones where there's very little disagreement? The ones where sex is still great after 22 years? Well, that's what we had. (Obviously, I was living on another planet.) I had absolutely no reason to think otherwise. My husband owns his own business, we live in a beautiful home, I've been lucky enough to be able to be home with my kids, and our 2 boys (both teenages) are growing up to be fine young men. My life is great, right? I've been so happy. EXCEPT for the past 18 months. Through a series of rather bizarre events, my husband had to tell me about 2 affairs he has had. I was upset, of course, and we've been working through the aftermath with a MC. Women's intuition is not an imaginary power! For a long time I felt there were other things that had gone on, especially since these two affairs were all about sex and not about being in love. I asked him if he would be willing to take a polygraph test to satisfy my suspicions. He said he could not. He then wrote me a long letter which he read to me in the MC's office, telling me about the long list of sexual partners he had, beginning at the BEGINNING of our marriage until just a couple of years ago. Needless to say, if someone had told me he was a child molester, I wouldn't have been any more surprised. So........these affairs or whatever you want to call them have been going on since the very early stages of our marriage........BEFORE we had children, BEFORE we had all the responsibilities we have now......all throughout our 22 years together. To say I am sick would be an understatement. I thought my husband was different, I thought my husband was special (Ha - seems pretty funny now). He's pretty scared right now; scared I will ask him to leave, scared of losing what's most important to him. Gee, I sure wish he had thought about that before. I just don't know what to do here. I have 2 boys who are very well adjusted, who have never seen their parents be anything but loving to one another........how do I turn their world upside down? We've built a whole life together! But now, you see, EVERY memory I have and EVERY picture I see makes me sad and angry!

Our MC has been helpful, but I still feel stuck. This is not just "an" affair (which would be bad enough), this has been a LIFESTYLE for him. He has been tested for sexual addiction problems, and although they're alot of variables there, the MC does not believe he is a sexual addict. So what does that make him then? As I look at him, I still can't believe it. All of a sudden I feel trapped. One of the hard parts for me is that I still love him & I know he loves me. It's even harder to imagine that he could love me and do this. HELP, help, help.......all of the books I read talk about surviving AN affair. What about surviving and coping with a lifestyle such as this?

I never thought at age 47 I would be going through something like this. This is a huge problem that's been dumped directly in my lap, which I didn't deserve, but now it's a problem that I need to resolve for myself. I resent that greatly.

Thanks for listening and letting me do a little venting!

Hi and welcome to MB,

Wow, well you may still be in shock and it is now time not only to address your H's issue but yours.

What is your H willing to do or has done to help you and himself? Is it fear of people knowing that is keeping him in line? Or something better?

Please take a look at the book his needs/her needs by Dr Harley along with the concepts section above and take the emotional needs questionnaire (both of you if he is willing otherwise you take it once for you and then once as him - if you can).

Keep working with your MC. Eventually the BS needs an outlet. MB can help. Does your H know you post here?

Vent here as needed.

take care,
L.

It makes him a "Double Life Man, as described in the pages of "The State of Affairs", by Mulliken. Harley's ideas about affairs are based on the premise that affairs result primarily because of unmet emotional needs. But, unmet EN's do not cause affairs, they cause lousy marriages. If you read Harley thoroughly and carefully, he does not say unmet EN's - CAUSE - affairs, either, though it is so common a misconception among his readers that I would say he should do some re-writing of his material. Reading Surviving an Affair, it can be easy to conclude that unmet needs are the reason for affairs. Not so. Affairs are entirely the responsibility of those involved, and the reasons vary.

Our MC worked w/ Bill Harley for 8 years, and one of his biggest dis-agreements w/ Bill was on this very issue, because according to him, in about 40% of men's affairs unmet EN's had very little to do with it. Yes, there were usually unmet EN's in their marriages, because no marriage is perfect. But, having the wife find out about and meet his most important EN's did not stop the affairs from re-kindling or stop the husband from having another. Harley is aware of this, which is why his plan for recovery is a lot more complicated than: 1.) Take the EN questionaire. 2.) Meet your husbands EN's. Our MC said that in his opinion, for that 40%, if the wife had been meeting the husband's top 5 EN's PERFECTLY, the husband still would have had the affair. That 40% fall in the category of "The Double Life Man".

Thanks so much for your replies. Yes, both my husband and I have done the EN questionnaire. While we do not match perfectly, we seem (or seemed) to be meeting each other's EN's. I do believe that people's EN's change over time (due to certin circumstances)and if you're lucky, you stay in sync with your spouse. The hardest part for me is that THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR MOST OF OUR MARRIAGE. During the childless, carefree days of being newly married, during the stressful times of raising small children, and during the less stressful, happy times we've shared as our lives have settled into a comfortable pattern.

We've not lost ourselves over the years. If you were to meet my husband, you would think he is a kind, loving and sincere man. And no, it is not a facade, he is all those things. What hurts is that he can be that way and still do the things he's done. Yes, he is remorseful and yes, he's doing everything he can to try and make it up to me. I hate saying those things because it sounds so cliche. So, I guess he is a "Double Life Man". He's working to make this right. I'm working also to try and make things right with ME. It's the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to do.

Yes, both my husband and I have done the EN questionnaire. While we do not match perfectly, we seem (or seemed) to be meeting each other's EN's.
It's not necessary to have any of your needs match.
Identifying them helps you to fulfill the needs of the other, which is the important thing to remember.

Our needs didn't necessarily "match". It just showed us that we seemed to be aware of each others needs and what was important to us. That's one of the confusing parts to all of this.

Have you heard of those "perfect" marriages? The ones where all your friends envy you? The ones where both partners respect and love each other? The ones where there's very little disagreement? The ones where sex is still great after 22 years?
I was on the other planet too, cause that is pretty much waht I thought I had with my ex.