A week ago my wife of almost 3 years (we've been together for 7) told me that she has been talking to a guy at work since mid april and thinks she is falling in Love with him. We both work at the same place but I have no idea who the person is. She knows a lot more people in our building because of her job. I love her and have told her that i want to try and save our marriage. She says she doesn't know what she wants. Sometimes she says she doesn't think she wants to try and that she does'nt want to waste my time. She also says that she wants to try being apart and if it doesn't work get back together. I have told her I don't know if that would be possible. She also says she is worried that if she leaves she will realize she made the wrong decision and that i won't take her back. I have read this site every day since I found out. Wish I had read it long ago. I don't know what else to do!

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: GiveItToGOD ]</small>

I am sorry for your pain. It sounds like she is telling you that after being married only 3 years she wishes to separate so she can date and be intimate with her OM without feeling any guilt. In addition, she wants you to be a safety net husband who will tell her that you will take her back after she has been with this guy if it does not work out. This is of course ridiculous. I would encourage marriage counseling at once.
Can you image how she would feel if the roles had been reversed and you told her I want to separate to be on my own because I am in love with another woman and if it does not work out will you let me come back? This is the ultimate in being a cakewoman. I assume since she says she is in love with him that she has been in affair with him?
Either way you need to protect yourself. She must stop all contact with the OM and engage in marriage counseling. Make it clear that you have too much respect for yourself and your marriage vows to allow her to separate and have fun with the OM and allow yourself to be the doorprize if the OM gets tired of her. You need to be firm and not accept this. I wish you luck.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Be nice to her. Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have her like you, and reconcile with you if you are nice to her. 3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.
Note that being nice doesn't mean you let her do anything she wants, it means you don't yell, or treat her badly.

3. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work.

4. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and W if she will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

5. After you read up on everyting, make a plan on how you will proceed to rebuild your marriage.

6. Encourage her to stay. If you want to know if you like some kind of food - you taste it. You don't say " I won't eat this for a while so I can see if I like it." IF she wants to know if the marriage will work, she needs to work on it with you for a while. There may not be a good way to get this across to her, but do what you can.

Hope this helps some. You are in for the ride of your life, it will be hard, but you have a good chance. Remember that we are a support group, and you really should get a councilor.

SS

<small>[ June 18, 2003, 01:49 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Matt: Your wife may not be having a physical affair, but she is having an Emotional Affair. Ask her who this person is. Ask him by email, letter, or face-to-face (if you can handle that gracefully) to stop having contact with your wife, because their relationship is interferring with your marriage. Your wife may (will) get mad, but she will also respect you for fighting for her.

The path to recovery from an emotional affair or a physical affair is the same. Click on the link in my signature line for more information on that.

I really believe her when she says nothing physical has happened but that doesn't make it any easier right! I have tried to ask her who it is but she will not tell me. Last night, without me even asking, she said she will tell me when the time is right. As I said, we both work in the same building. she and I are only down the hall from each other but it is a large building. She says I don't know him, which is very possible. She is always introducing me to people we work with.

Dear Matt:
Welcome to Marriage Builders. It's a club you wished you never joined but won't know what you'd do without it.

I would like to second what Stillseeking and John told you. I would also like to add that you need to do the questionnaires on this website - especially the Emotional Needs (EN) questionnaire. Print it out and do it for yourself and print one out for your wife as well. If she won't fill it out, fill it out for her for now. This will make you think about her needs as well as your own and you might be able to figure out where your Marriage went wrong. Once you know her ENs, work on trying to fill those and your M will be much better.

Just in case you need to hear it again:
1. Read the Articles,
2. Buy the Book (SAA)
3. Do the Questionnaires
4. Post Often.

Good Luck - your M can be saved - there's quite a lot of us around to prove that!
DB

She says that she has made up her mind about us but that she is not ready for one of us to leave the house. We only have one car and two kids (a 4 yr old and a 6 mnth old) and our work schedules are complicated. It won't be easy and maybe that is why she isn't ready. Her Dad also stays with us and he will be mad at her when he finds out about this.

Did you read the plan A links in the page that is linked in my signature line? - She can say what she wants, decide what she wants, and change her maind later. When she changes her mind, if you have Plan A'd well, she will likely wnat to reconcile. Even if you have not Plan A's all that well, or if you had never heard of MarriageBuilders, she would be more likely to want to reconcile in a few months or years than to be with her current affair partner.

First of all, she's sending you a signal and for that you should be grateful. I know it hurts. My H's affair also started with 'talking' as most of them do.

If you read Torn Asunder, the author talks about the BS trying to send a message before the affair starts. It's up to you now to do what you can to prevent an affair. It's hard. I wish you luck.

My advice is to do some snooping. Information gives you the power to be prepared in case she tries to screw you over. Attach a voice activated tape recorder to your telephone line where it cannot be seen. If you can afford it get a P.I. to help you.
Don't just sit still waiting for the axe to fall.

The SH** hit the fan!
Turns out the guy is my friend who works with us. I go to the gym with him everyday and have been talking to him about all of this.
His wife also works with us. Yesterday was awful. Today his wife called me and said they are reconciling and moving. good. unfortunatly my wife says it does not matter, she feels the same way about me no matter what he does. She says she wants to be friends and she doesn't know how we can seperate due to money and kids. I am just trying to hang in there and pray. One day at a time for now.

Your friend (?) was a total [censored] to do this to you while listening to you and seeing you ever day.
What a sick person he is. In addition, you should ask yourself about the character of your wife who would allow this to continue knowing how humiliated you would feel when you found out. Both of these people would have to be pretty sick to be doing this to you behind your back like this. I wish you luck.

Matt - I know how awful this is but please take a deep breath and relax.

Your wife will now go through what is called "withdrawal". She will mourn the loss of her relationship. This is hard to hear. She was addicted to the OM. She will go through the stages of grief.

It will be your job (if you still love your W) to help her through this. It sucks, we all know. Plan A the best you can.

This forum is CHOCK FULL of people who have been (and still are) in your shoes. We have heard those same words your wife is saying to you. My point is - it can be done. You can have your M back - just be patient and Plan A.

Have you ordered Surviving an Affair???? Please Do it NOW - click on the above Bookstore link.

It will be very helpful to you and your Wife.

Good Luck - the road is full of potholes.
DB

The Emotional Affair
The topic of infidelity is a frequent topic with couples experiencing problems. When most people hear the terms 'infidelity' or 'affair', they almost always think of a passionate, romantic, physical relationship. Certainly many people engage in physical affairs borne out of immaturity, acting out of hostility and even sexual addiction.
What is less understood however, and at times can be even more threatening to a long-term relationship than a physical affair, is an emotional affair. An emotional affair occurs when one member of a relationship consistently turns to someone else for their core, primary emotional support in life. It often develops slowly, even innocently, as a friendship with a co-worker or friend. There may or may not be a romantic/sexual attraction initially accompanying this budding friendship. But when the primary relationship is experiencing ongoing hostility, conflict and/or distance, and one member of the relationship pulls away from their partner and consistently turns to their 'friend' for companionship, support and sharing of deep personal material, an emotional affair has begun.
For many people, the emotional affair is a great source of relief and comfort during relationship difficulties. But the danger is that there is a finite amount of intimate emotional energy to go around, and when one begins to regularly invest significant amounts of their emotional energy in someone outside the primary committed relationship, the primary relationship can be seriously compromised.
Frequently, an emotional affair will deepen through consistent contact through in-person discussion and/or numerous email and voice mail messages. There becomes an excitement and ease in hearing from the person. And when this type of relationship does lead to physical intimacy, it's often a little sex and a lot of talking. The sex may be intense and passionate, but it is the feeling of emotional safety and companionship that really fuels the bond at the deepest level.
This companionship can doom the primary relationship. Once the door of emotional intimacy has been opened and the bond deepens, the person having the emotional affair cannot help but compare. "It's so easy to talk to her, and so hard to talk to my spouse" is the common refrain. "My husband always complains and criticizes, but my friend is always there, always in a good mood, and always understands and listens to me." It is much easier to open up and feel safe in a superficial new friendship compared to a long-term committed relationship.
How do you know if you are developing an emotional affair? Ask yourself these questions:
&#61623; do I feel like it's easier to talk to my friend than my partner?
&#61623; does my friend seem to understand me in a deeper way than my partner?
&#61623; have I stopped confiding my deepest feelings and concerns with my partner and now turn to my friend for these needs?
If you find yourself or your partner developing an emotional affair, you need to put your attention on your primary relationship as soon as possible. Get help to understand why you drifted to this other person in the first place. Begin the work of re-investing emotional energy in your primary relationship. Turning to someone else during a time of conflict or distance often is merely escaping and avoiding other issues which won't go away. And don't kid yourself: these same issues will resurface again should you develop a real relationship with your emotional affair partner. You may as well learn to deal with them now, before putting yourself and your partner through a terrible crisis.

Do you have feedback or comments about this article?

Email this article to a friend!

Your Email Address:
Friends Email Address:
Your Comments:

Relationship Institute
123 Main Street
Suite 100
Royal Oak, Michigan 48067
(248) 546-0407

Emotional Affairs. These also violate the exclusivity of the relational bond of marriage. When married people invest time, or money, or conversation, and emotional energy that should be reserved for their mates, they are guilty of breaking the union with their spouses that God intended (Gen. 2:24). This would include such things as sending flowers, letters, cards, or e-mails to a non-spouse. Intimate dinners alone, conversations, and phone calls involving personal and emotionally sensitive content while under the guise of "friendship" are also included. In essence, any emotional attachment to someone else that is normally reserved for one's spouse breaches the exclusivity of the marital bond.
Emotional affairs may be easier to detect than physical affairs because inappropriate interactions can be seen. But they can be more difficult to prove because hearts and motives are hidden.
Given the different categories of affairs, some may question whether or not an emotional affair is adulterous. Jesus made it clear, however, that adultery is as much a betrayal of the heart as of the body (Mt. 5:27-28). He taught that anyone who looks lustfully at another person is guilty of adultery in his or her heart, even if the act is not consummated with sexual behavior.
On the other hand, while not minimizing an emotional affair, Jesus said that when a spouse steps over the line and turns adulterous thoughts into a physical affair, the betrayal is so grievous that it gives the wounded spouse legitimate grounds for divorce (Mt. 5:31-32). Paul made it equally plain that sexual immorality is a unique kind of sin that carries with it severe consequences (1 Cor. 6:18). Although God's original intent was for permanency in marriage, the hardheartedness and sexual betrayal of an unfaithful spouse moves the heart of a wise and loving God to allow an offended spouse the protection of a divorce (Mt. 19:8-9).
Thus, while there is a form of adultery of the heart that can devastate a marriage, the wound of sexual adultery is such a complete betrayal that God grants the faithful spouse the freedom to divorce because the exclusive "one flesh" covenant has been violated.
That being the case, why would so many who say they fear and love God risk losing so much for so little? Why would they ignore the ancient wisdom of Proverbs? "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? . . . a man [or woman] who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself" (Prov. 6:27,32).

Most people who are caught up in either a physical or emotional affair fail to give their spouses an honest or adequate answer for their behavior. Instead, they hide the motives of their hearts and look for ways to defend their actions. Many shift the blame by citing deficiencies in their spouse. Others hide and detach by saying, "This isn't about you. You're wonderful. This is about me." Both responses leave wounded spouses either stunned by a barrage of blaming tactics or floundering alone with nothing to do because "this isn't about them." Many are left with lots of questions and few answers.
The rationalization of an unfaithful spouse is often, "If you only knew what I had to put up with at home, you'd understand why I had to look elsewhere. I was dying with her. No one should have to live like that."
While sex is involved in most affairs, many people report that they don't have affairs merely for sex. Some do, of course; but many claim, "I just didn't feel connected with my spouse anymore. I felt unappreciated, bored, unfulfilled, and discontent." Many a wife has justified her affair by revealing to her husband, "You don't make me happy anymore. You pay more attention to your job, sports, and TV than to me. You weren't there for me when I needed you. You pushed me into his arms."
No matter what the rationale, in the end many unfaithful spouses are seduced into believing the myth of the "greener grass." Proverbs 6:32-33 reminds us that the person who commits adultery lacks judgment, destroys himself, and faces an avalanche of shame. Shifting the blame is the usual tactic for dealing with shame. But regardless of what has gone on in the relationship prior to the affair, no spouse is responsible for the unfaithful partner's lack of judgment and choice to be unfaithful.
Because unfaithful spouses are unlikely to reveal what is really happening inside, every betrayed husband or wife is left with the nagging question "Why?" "What caused my spouse to cross the line and have an affair? Was it him/her? Or was it me?"

Affairs are primarily matters of the heart. While external factors do tempt, entice, and entrap, in the end it is the heart that determines the path one chooses. The biblical story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife illustrates this (Gen. 39). That's why the writer of Proverbs warned his young apprentice in wisdom, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Prov. 4:23).
But one cannot guard what one does not know. Most people don't understand the underlying, deep desires of the heart that they are unwittingly trying to satisfy with physical or emotional pleasure. While much time and energy are consumed with the concerns of daily living, little or no time is spent on exploring and understanding the longings, hopes, and dreams of the heart.
The explosion of passion that erupts in an affair often feels bigger than life because it taps into the desires of the heart that have never really been examined or understood. That's what happened with Mike. By not understanding the deep spiritual desires that could have helped him renew a healthy passion for his wife, he allowed himself to be enticed and captured by Vicki's attention and affection.
To understand why anyone can be vulnerable to good, God-given longings gone astray, we must understand that in every heart is hunger, pain, and folly.
Hungry Hearts. We all long for something more than the relationships we have been given. Something deep inside yearns to be caught up in a romantic love affair of epic proportions. That's why romance is the universal theme of every good story, including the story of the Bible. We've been built for a sacred romance with the Lover of our souls (Isa. 62:5; Eph. 5:25-32).
G. K. Chesterton remarked, "The man who knocks on the door of the brothel is looking for God."1 The danger, intrigue, mystery, and madness of an illicit affair promises to satisfy a hunger that in reality can be satisfied only in God. When this underlying spiritual longing is not understood, our unsatisfied hunger fuels the recklessness that can propel us into an affair, and the painful disappointments of our relationships seem to justify it.
A Craving For Romance. Romance is far more than the emotional fireworks and infatuation that get a relationship started. Romance involves passionate pursuit. We crave to be pursued by someone who fully knows and delights in us. What we often fail to realize, however, is that the wonder of romance between a husband and wife is meant not only to deepen the enjoyment of one another, but also to arouse in the heart a deeper understanding of our Creator's love for us. A loving spouse can mirror the romantic pursuit of our loving God. Many spouses have enjoyed a taste of God's delight in them through the sparkle in the eye of their mate.
When we don't pursue God to meet our deepest longings, we choose others to substitute for Him. Often a spouse is "set up" by being expected to satisfy our deepest hunger. When a spouse falls short (as all will), our hunger for the divine romance can be reduced to a mere physical craving for sexual gratification that our hedonistic, self-indulgent society endorses.
A Yearning For Connection. We all long to belong. God built us for connection with Himself and others. Jesus prayed that we would enjoy the oneness that He enjoyed with His Father (Jn. 17:21). Oneness is to be reflected in the physical and emotional intimacy in marriage (Gen. 2:24).
If we don't pay attention to our hearts, however, we will settle for the outward trappings of connection with our spouses without enjoying the inner oneness God intended. If we fail to cultivate an intimate relationship with God, our marriage will be reduced to a relationship of selfish convenience without meaningful connection. Eventually we will look for satisfaction of our hunger elsewhere.
Hurting Hearts. Our most significant pain often comes in the form of disappointment and betrayal in the context of our hunger for love, acceptance, and belonging. We all carry into our marriages emotional pain that may have come from past troubled relationships or from their failure to provide us with genuine love.
Our vision of marriage is often clouded with the unrealistic expectation that our spouse will finally satisfy our hunger for romance and connection. While a loving, faithful spouse can provide a delightful taste of genuine intimacy, no spouse can compensate for the other's lack of intimacy with God.
Mourning The Loss Of Romance. All spouses must face disappointment in their marriages. No marriage escapes because no spouse's love is flawless, nor can it satisfy our hunger for the divine romance. If we don't face disappointment and allow it to drive us back to God, we not only lose our romance with Him, we also sabotage a healthy delight in our marriage partner. Instead of pursuing our spouse, we blame him or her for our pain. Rather than mourning the loss of romance in our relationship with God and with our spouse, we subtly use our hurt to justify seeking emotional and physical comfort in the arms of another lover.
Aching From The Lack Of Connection. When we don't feel connected, we feel distant. Instead of oneness, we feel separate and alone in a relationship that feels hostile, not healing.
When we feel a lack of connection in marriage, disillusionment soon follows. We end up just going through the motions because "our heart isn't in it." We reduce our expectations and live by the "shoulds" but not from deep desire.
Even good marriages are disappointing, difficult, and demanding. They don't satisfy our deepest longings, nor are they as pain-free as we had hoped. Instead, they are complicated and require constant maintenance.
The allure of an affair appeals to the longing for a perfect relationship that satisfies our hunger, inflicts no pain, and makes no demands. The mournful lyric "It's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along" is the theme song for many unfaithful spouses. The hope is that maybe the next one will satisfy the hunger for love and salve the hurts.
In reality, the pursuit of an affair to deal with one's hungry and hurting heart is a foolish attempt to push one's way back into Eden.
Foolish Hearts. The natural inclination of every human heart is toward foolishness. Proverbs 22:15 reminds us of our roots: "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child." No one learns foolishness. It's part of what we inherited from Adam and Eve. Instead of taking our hunger and hurt to God, we rebel and try handling it on our own in one of the following ways:
Giving Up On Romance. Rather than feel the gnawing ache of our hunger, we deny our need for romance and connection by calling it a foolish dream. Losing hope of ever having a deeper romance with our spouse indicates that we've abandoned our calling to love our spouse the way God does. It also indicates that we've abandoned our longing to be romanced by God. We become the "half-hearted creatures" that C. S. Lewis describes as "fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."2
Selling Out To False Connection. The best counterfeit to true intimacy is the false intimacy that sexual indulgence provides. Forbidden sex gives an immediate and artificial sense of being "alive" when in reality it deadens the heart.
People who get involved in affairs are deceived by their sinful, foolish hearts and refuse to remember God. It is impossible to enjoy an affair and remain in close fellowship with Him. They must say in essence, "Get out of my life, God. I can't enjoy this new relationship in the presence of Your holiness and righteousness."
Every affair is a running away from God. But there's a bizarre twist. By the very act of running from God and exchanging His truth for a lie, unfaithful mates are tormented by the lingering consequences of their sin (Isa. 50:10-11). They also forget that God is a jealous lover who will use even their foolishness to arouse their hunger for Him. God's intent is to draw every heart back to His table, where He will satisfy them with a taste of His own presence (Dt. 8:3).
When an affair is finally exposed, both spouses must embark on a perilous journey. Trina's journey began when she refused to suffer alone. She left Vicki's apartment and called a trusted friend. They called their small-group leader from church. He contacted another elder, and the two men were waiting with Trina for Mike when he came home after work. The journey had begun.

It's an emotional affair if…
--I'm making an effort to arrange to talk or spend time with the other person

Most people who get involved in an "emotional affair…"
--weren't looking for an affair
--didn't INTEND to have an affair
--didn't think they were vulnerable to an affair
It really doesn't matter whether someone thinks an emotional relationship is totally harmless. The fact is that in most instances emotional affairs are just affairs that have not YET become sexual. They either end or they escalate. So (as with any type affair), it's critical that all one-on-one contact with the third party be severed—before it escalates.

I would say an emotional affair is more "intrusive" in a marriage, than simply a physical one. The sharing of the heart and mind is a far deeper level than rolling around on a bed. But you have dealt with it and have forgiven him. Yes you were snoopy, who wouldn't be given the circumstances, but you've dealt with that too. GREAT start!!

First way to begin regaining the emotional stability and closeness is to shut the damn computer off. If he had an "emotional affair", then he has lots to talk about, have him share it with you. Talk about anything/everything. And do it every single day. That's how these co-workers affairs thrive. Two people talking about something as mundane as buying the wrong size shoes. Things that maybe they think bores their spouse. Talk about your ideas, talk about where you hope to be in 10 years, talk about your friends, JUST TALK!

You are So right about the physical passion coming after the emotional. Like I've always said... a human's biggest sex organ, is their minds.








Do you feel that your organisation's board members need training in leadership skills? Yes
No
Don't know




Details

Ref :
N/1374
Date Posted :
06/02/2003


Author :
HR Gateway Editorial



Beware the workplace 'emotional affair'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brief Details

A relationship in the workplace does not have to be consummated to be detrimental to the business and to an employee, 'emotional affairs' can be equally as damaging.

Ok, We went to counselling last week and are supposed to go again wednesday. Yesterday she told me that her ant the OM are not going to talk to each other any more so that they can give their marriages a fair chance. She still says she doesn't feel the same about me and that she wants to stay at her girlfriends house. All I can do is pray and try and spend as much time with her and the kids as possible.