I just got back from a marriage councilor, my marriage is falling apart and I really want to see things work out, if possible I prefer to stay with my family. I have gone nearly 2 years in the cold from my wife; she has been emotionally shut down. 2 weeks ago my wife spent nearly $5000 in one month, accounts all overdrawn, I got very mad, and asked her for her credit cards, the next day she told me she was leaving, then we finally talked, for the 1st time in a long time, and she also told me she had been taking paxil for 2 years, which was a very pleasant shock. Directly supervising over 300 employees for the last 10 years, I knew 1st hand the effects of this drug. I felt relieved; I thought to myself, thank god now I finally know why this has been going on, this is where my wife has been...
For 2 years prior I had been trying desperately to get any emotion from her at all, when the love went away, I tried pushing all kinds of buttons, but always with little or no reaction, she would not hear me no matter how hard I yelled. She would forgot everything, how much she spent, what she bought, where she was going, or why she left when she got there, she stopped paying all the bills, stopped cleaning the house, would sleep for 16 hours a day, not just lay in bed, ACTUALLY SLEEP! Then she would go non-stop, little to no sleep, painted every room in our house, wallpapered, decorated, and cleaned in less than 2 weeks! Even though I have continually worked, and made more money over the last 2 years, her shopping increased, her working hours decreased, and she stopped paying the bills to the point of having 2 houses foreclosed upon, and 2 cars repossessed, and every other creditor you can think of chasing me down. I found out quickly about the houses, however I did not know about the cars until the repo man showed at our door! We could have paid these if she would have told me! She still can't remember what she just did. This is not my wife!
Although she shows little emotion towards me she shows lots of it with our child, either very angry behavior or very loving. She insists on constantly sleeping with our 6 yr old daughter, although several times I have asked her, she refuses, and must have her in our bed, no matter how many times our daughter wets the bed! Our daughter on the other hand can really take it or leave it, if I ask her she will go to her bed no problem, but then my wife gets upset, like I said its one of the only things that gets an emotional reaction from her. My daughter does not have bad dreams, or trouble sleeping alone, but my wife always says it’s because I scare her that she has to sleep in bed? She says I told her about aliens a couple years ago and she cannot sleep alone now, funny, because she sleeps fine in her bed for me?
when we were talking for the 1st time She also informed me that she had been told to quit the paxil, but could not remember who told her, I said I would support her in every way, she must have had another scary experience because she said this few times, you have to be very caution and careful when you take them, I can tell these were not her words. I found some information on paxil on the internet and let her read it, she got very upset and said; now I'm not going to even try and quit. She then became even more upset and started bringing up incidents from 5-10 years ago that were really upsetting her, the time 6 years ago in London when I was too hot and slept in another bed, the time 9 years ago in Chicago when I we were lost and she couldn’t read the map, again how mad I got, I asked her if she could remember any of the good times, she said she can't remember anything good except our daughter coming out of our relationship. We have been together over a decade, and all she can remember are the bad times? This all coming from someone who can't remember what she ate 3 minutes ago?
One day after she told me she was on paxil, and I was relieved, we were still being civil with each other, and said she said now she was still thinking of leaving, I looked at her and said, you promised not to talk about that? The night before we had discussed things we did that bothered each other, and her saying she was leaving was the only thing I said upset me, and she promised never to bring it up again.
The following night, I woke up at 3am, and initiated sex. For the 1st time in 6 months we made love, she was all into the foreplay, however upon intercourse, she became upset about the noise I was making, and I knew she was not having any real feelings, don't get me wrong, she climaxed, however there was nothing emotional. FYI, our sexual relationship has always been awesome, this time was simply ok, I loved it, but the vibes she was sending were that of a 1 night stand. Also, my wife has also always been the loud one, not me, I am the one telling her, Shhh! I had to make a little noise, I felt closer to the woman I love than I have in that last 6 months, on top of that were talking 6 months, I was ready to blow, however she was extremely conscious and quiet, again, this is not my wife.
The next day she switched on a dime, she went from "IF" I move and “Thinking” about moving, to "I AM MOVING" She said no longer wished to be with me, she was moving to her sisters house over 1000 miles away to be closer to her family, she said she also hated where we live, but then made reference to the several times I became verbally abusive in my attempts for emotion from her, which is very true, and I expressed my sympathy, told her I would stop, and would seek counseling, she was adamant that its too little to late, and consistently said that life is too short, and she cannot forget the mean things I have said. The only explanation I could give the woman I love for saying hurtful hateful things is that I was hurting, and I expressed it in a totally unacceptable and wrong way, I wanted attention, and went about it all the wrong ways. Like a broken record, all she would say is Too little too late, and life is too short was all she would say.
Several times in our relationship I was verbally abusive, maybe it was my unhappy childhood, I have some issues! But my instinct when hurt is to hurt those around me, my wife is very aware of my fathers abuse, and she always knew how to show me love when I was showing pain, although she was never the cause of my pain, even though at times I would lash out like she was the one that hurt me, she has comforted me, showing caring and love in the midst of my rage, however when that emotional support stopped, my attempts for loving emotion evolved into attempts for any emotion, sadness, mad, I would have even settled for unhappy, but nothing!!!
Back to the marriage councilor, now two weeks from our breakthrough talk, I am following through and getting much needed help with my anger issues. The councilor has me explain the above situations, and he explained that paxil is most likely not the correct drug for her panic attacks, he tells me that he hears how much I am angry, but all he can see is the hurt and pain she is causing me? I am now completely confused. I told him I was signing custody and support papers later today, and he strongly advises me not to, to get a lawyer and stop her from taking our daughter. I am at the marriage counselor to help me through this pain, and help me constructively deal with my emotions so even if things do not work out between us, I will be a better person, and will handle stressful situations better. I said no matter what, I want to make things work, and keeping her, or giving her the impression I am holding her back will just push her away for good. He said based on my description of the above events my wife has some mental troubles, even possibly multiple personalities. He said to think about the safely of my daughter and to seek council. I am now frightened, worried, and do not know what to do? My wife is asking me to fill out the custody papers right now, as I am typing this!
The marriage councilor said he would like to speak with her before meeting with me again; I let him know she already said no. I asked him to call, and he said no. He said to think about it and try, and to give him a call if I succeed at having her come in tomorrow. Well, my wife called me at work later this evening, and brought up the custody and support papers, I said yes, we need to get those done, I then said, hey, and what are you doing tomorrow at 11? Nothing she said. Would you be willing to do me a huge favor, remember I said I was going to talk to someone, she said yes, I said, well I talked about the different things I have said, however he feels that he can better help me if you could elaborate on some of my behavior that I am unaware of or might have left out, she said, so he just wants me to talk to him?, I said yes, she said OK.
And this is where I am, confused even more, here we finally talk after 6 months, and this is what happens, one little breakthrough, and now its all over, I take action to correct my behavior, and the councilor feels my wife may have multiple personalities. Now I am sad, upset, and I am worried sick. Maybe he is right, after all, how can someone even think of taking some ones daughter away over 1000 miles away, in less 2 weeks?
On top of that now I have feelings between that of “Now it makes sense!” to that of jealousy, because the Councilor also made reference to her having a friend, boy or girl, that is painting a picture of greener grass on the other side? If she is, she is hiding it really good, because I am clueless, or was???
help if you can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
