I've posted on the emmotional needs site a few times, but wanted opinions from anyone here. I had 2 affairs. I told my H about them 3 months ago. We have been in counseling, both individual and joint. We have been reading books and working hard to repair the situation. I am very lucky to have a H who is willing to work so hard. I never wanted to leave him and it was never about not loving him. Reasons have surfaced mainly stemming from my depression and emmotional problems. Our therapist and many books have said an affair sometimes is a cry for help. What does anyone think about this? This so fits how I've been feeling. I just wanted other ideas. Thanks for responding!
Jen

Married - almost 4 years
Me - 28
Husband - 30

I agree with your therapist that an affair is a cry for help...how did your husband respond to your telling him about the affairs?
What type of emotional probles are you meaning?
Sorry for all the questions...I am trying to understand my own situation and speaking to you about your reasons may help me uncover some of my fiance's.
You are very lucky to have a H that will work this out with you... its very hard to deal with it but if he's willing I believe there is hope.

Ditto-

What's going on with you?
How long have you been depressed?
How is your self esteem?
What books have you read?

Thanks for replying so fast! It makes me feel so much better to read that someone cares! My reply might be long, so I hope I don't bore you!
We've been together 10 years, married almost 4. A year and a half into our marriage, I had a drunk kiss with one of our guy friends. That happenend with a few more friends, then led to two affairs. For the longest time I couldn't tell my H why it happened, I didn't know! This is so out of character for me. Through our marriage counseling and my individual counseling, I've come up with the reason. I was diagnoses with depression - bi-polar to be more exact. This type of depression has extreme highs and lows. I do have low self-esteem. I am very insecure. I have avoidance of conflict issues. I have always kept negative feelings inside from everyone, even when I was young. I have distorted thinking. Traces of Histrionic Personality Disorder that deals with need for attention. I think that is all, I don't have my lists with me now. Anyway because of these things, I had distorted thinking that I was not #1 in my H's life. I have always stuffed my feelings inside, so I stuffed these feelings down, even away from myself. I had no idea I was upset. He has a hard time with this being a cry for help, he thinks "it's a cop-out." He also has a hard trying to figure why I didn't come to him, my best friend, to talk before things happened. But I didn't know how! I am very lucky that he is working with me on this!! I understand his feelings, but it is just hard when he is angry. We have both read "After the Affair" and "Surviving an Affair." I am reading "Feeling Good" on depression and a book on self esteem. We are both trying to work through things. I just wanted to know how anyone else felt about the cry for help. It was wonderful for me to realize this, so many things have become clearer for me. Thanks for taking the time to listen and offer advice!!
Jen

I see there are a lot of things you have uncovered as to who you are and how you hide feelings...and that is great...what steps are you taking now to make sure you're feelings don't slip away again and this happens again? Are you still in therapy?
You posted on mine and I on yours because this does remind me of my fiance... only he'd do this with someone he didn't know so he wouldn't have to deal with feelings. He's not one to share either, I am huge on it so I've forced him to change this about himself... even before I found out he would thank me for it.

1293 while your bi-polar condition may have contributed to your A's(affairs), IT didn't by itself made the A's possible. What made them possible was your violation of The Rule Of Honesty (one of The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage). Think about it, would you have been able to have your first A(affair) if you had told your H(husband) that you were feeling very attracted toward the first OM(other man)? The only way for you and your H to make your M(marriage) virtually affair proof is by BOTH of you following The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage and The Policy Of Joint Agreement . Please use respectful persuasion to convince your H of the importance of the two of you following them. Why does your H also have to follow them? Because if he doesn't there is more than a 50/50 chance that he to might end up having an A of his own later on, and then the pain will start all over again, when it could be so easily avoided by him(and you) following the 4 Rules and the POJA.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Fellow Survivors,
I admire your strength, your courage, your faith. D-day was 28 Jul 02. We completed 3 months of individual counseling each, and joint counseling over the duration (about 7 months total). My H had an affair with a woman 10 years younger than me...and I'm only 33. We are both in the military, and he did so while I was at the toughest school in my branch of service (six months long). When we got to our new base, he told me the first night that he wanted a divorce. He only admitted later under intense scrutiny that he was having an A. So much of what you all write is painfully familiar...from being Super Spouse just so he'd give it a chance, to depression (I lost 25lbs in a month--couldn't eat), to anger. In truth, I turned my anger inwards at myself. I honestly wanted to die. I'd pray to God to let me come home, that each night I went to bed would be it. That only lasted for about the first six to eight weeks. You see, I have always been careful about asking for help because it can affect a Security Clearance. Thankfully, that isn't the case anymore. I think I'm moving into acceptance now, but it feels harder not easier, and anger comes back with a force every few weeks. I still wonder when the images will go away...and most importantly, if he will do it again. Because I'm bound to be deployed again in the next year and it could be as long as six months. Now that he's "here" and "committed," I still don't trust, I still don't believe him when he says he loves me...but I don't say much to him about that stuff because I don't want to hold him back from his recovery. I know continual reminder will derail his self-esteem, fragile as it is. But it is hard, probably 3 times a week I still just want to chuck it.

I'm proud of all of you. It is, indeed, a marathon, and I am happy to tell you that there are, and have been, good days. Each of you has a great deal to be proud of! I'm just trying not to quit!

Thanks for your encouragement! Last night was a really bad night, I couldn't imagine going on one more day.
Amy - Yes I am in therapy right now, weekly. I also am reading books on how to change depressive thinking and low self-esteem. These books offer activities to work on to continue the healing process. These are things I do daily! I don't want to be the person I was 6 months ago. I do not like that person, she was not happy. My H and I have had some wonderful times since D-Day. He is still around and trying, I need to keep that in mind when times are tough. I'd give anything to make his pain go away and let us be happy together again!