I have been with my fiance for just over three years. Early on I found him watching porno. I told him the first time i found out that this offends me because along with the porn watching, our sex goes away! He didn't seem to get it right off the bat and about 3 times later it stopped...he threw out the tapes and everything.
... then this Sat I found out that he's been going online and watching video porn... it cost $700 over 8 months. I looked into all of it. Downloaded all of the cc'd statements everything and uncovered this... I am freaked out! I was sooo upset at all of this I didn't know what to do. He's was chatting with some of these people online and it makes me sick! I confronted him and we both went thru a huge up/down talk that lasted 1.5 days (we both called in sick the next day). He cried (never before seen that) and said he'd go to counseling to uncover the "real problem".
The issue I am having is I am sooo disgusted and can't understand why! What did I do to warrant this action? I am not a controlling, confining, smothering person...we share things, share our lives but he feels the need to do this to me. I am sick about this!!!
I jumped on the counceling and went to my first meeting yesterday. The Councelor wanted to see each of us seperately then together. The man pretty much talked the whole time, offered no encouragement and just made me feel worse... we are looking for a new person to speak with. In the mean time, I can't get this out of my head...
I love this person so much and I want to work it out, but I want to punch him first <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ! I don't understand...

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: Amy101 ]</small>

Amy,
It sounds encouraging that he is willing to go to counseling to address this. I feel he is showing he really cares about you! Try to work with him and show support for the effort he is making, don't hold the past mistakes against him.
Good Luck,
Jen

Jen:
Thank you for your encouragement!

I am encouraged by his willingness as well. He feels there is more going on with himself that makes it "easier" to be with these other people online...no need to have a real relationship but a quick in and out... (no pun intended). He said he didnt' think it was such a big deal until he saw how bad it hurt me and it really struck home with him...
Can I believe him? Thats the hard part...I don't know... I kinda had a feeling something was happening before I found this out... I know my problem isn't nearly as severe as the others I've been reading but it really hurts just the same.

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Amy101 ]</small>

Been there,

My H has been "addicted" to porn ever since I've known him (and probably before).

And the most important thing I've learned is...it is not about me. It's not because I'm not sexy or beautiful enough or too smothering. He uses porn like a drug, an escape from his problems. Granted, I may be part of his problems, but it's his perception of problems. My thought about the attraction is that here are available, objects offering no attachment, offering no entanglements. They are a fantasy girl, a bit like a blow up doll (pardon the graphics) but a little prettier.

I think porn can be an addiction, and can be treated that way. If he truly wants to stop, you can help by asking him to be accountable...put a logger on the computer (that he knows about) ask to see credit card statements, etc. This will make him think twice about seeking porn out, if he knows you'll find out about it. If he doesn't want to stop, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it...he will only learn to hide it better.

Not married...think hard about making the committment until you have worked this out. $700 is quite a bit of money YOU will have to pay when you are married to support his habit.

I wish H and I had waited and worked some things out before...it becomes harder now, we have less time now with the kids to work things out.

Amy - I don't know if you've read the reply to my post, but it sounds like your F and I are similiar. Nothing I did was meant to hurt my H, but it was like I couldn't control myself. It sounds so weak, but it is the truth. Your F is showing his remorse by crying and taking the time to work with you! Reading your post gives me another perspective of the hurt my H is feeling. Even though you say your problem is not as serious, the feelings are the same and all feelings are valid and need to be addressed! I hope you keep posting!
Jen

StillHereMakingIt and 1293:
Thank you both... this is helping! Reading all the other things going on with people helps me feel not so alone. I cannot talk to my friends/family about this as they love my fiance so much too I am afraid they would judge him before things are worked out.
At this time, he has given me full access to his cc'ds, bank statements, phone records etc and all that so that helps... I know he's willing to work this out with me but its all so new and surreal... I go from hating him, to caring about what the "real" problem is, from wanting him to get the heck out!
Our wedding is next aug... long time away and i have placed that on hold...if it takes 2 more years (and we're still together) I will wait...i don't want to be married to someone like this. I couldn't handle it...
the sad part is I am normally a very strong, secure person... after Sat... it feels like its all gone!

It's amazing what we learn about ourselves when something tragic happens. I know I was the cause of the tragety, but it doesn't mean I'm hurting less than my H. I have found that I am stronger than I ever imagined. Amy, you are strong, you are still fighting and not giving up. A weak person would give up. It takes someone stronger to deal with the pain to make the situation better. I know my H goes through the same emmotions, he loves me, he hates me for what I did. But I have to remember if he didn't truly love me, what I did would not have hurt him the way it did. I know there is love underneath all the anger. I just hope I can bring the love out before the anger takes over. Remember, if he didn't want to work things our, he could have left. He is still there, so give him that credit!
Jen

amy - hope things are going well with your f! it's a roller coaster. try to hang on.
jen