since i found out my wife had a long affair with a co-worker. I'm 30, my wife is 26, we will have been married for 3 years this October. My first thoughts were divorce and the first thing i did was to throw her out. After a lot of crying, dealing with the betrayal, thinking my life was over and thoughts of killing the other man, i've come to realize that i still love my wife and i think she still loves me( atleast she seems sincere). I can not express in words how much this hurt me, the pain was overwhelming and didn't really hit me until the next day when i set down to talk to her. That was the worst day of my life. I see from reading other posts that i'm in the minority here as most here are women with cheating husbands. I never, ever considered having an affair and i don't understand why she would. My immediate thought were i wasn't a good lover and maybe i'm not, but that is still no excuse. I would like to here from anyone who's wife had an affair and they stayed married. She still says she doesn't know how this happened, but i think i do, she simply fell in love with someone else. While i could fall in love with another i don't make it a habit to try and don't know why she did. This affair lasted for more than 1 year and she says she tried to end it several time, now she says it's over, but i have my doubts. I found out from the other mans wife and had to ask him if it was true, i think what hurt the most was being lied to for so long. Any thoughts are appreciated.

Paul

Paul,

My W had an affair also. You are not alone here. There are many men here - but maybe they don't post as much as the women. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know you are hurting now.

Every affair is different. My W's was not like your W's.

Yes, I agree that you W didn't set the boundaries to prevent getting into this situation. Maybe she enjoys flirting with men and what began as a game turned into something else. Maybe she just likes the attention. Maybe you were busy - not available to her and she got lonely.

It is not your fault. She did it. But you may bear some responsibility for things getting into a condition where your W felt that her needs were not met.

Be patient man. This is a marathon. You can save your marriage, but it will take a lot of time and pain.

You say your W sound sincere. Has she broken off all contact with the other man? Who is he? Co-worker? Neighbor? Old boyfriend?

Was your W .... er... "active" prior to your marriage?

Does she go out alone?

How did she find time to meet with him in secret over this year?

I'm guessing you don't have any children. Do you?

Well, tell us more and maybe we can help.

-AD

I'm a BH, too. Click on the link in my signature line. It will guide you to some resources that can help you figure out the "Why?"s of your wife's affair, and how to recover.

Paul,
I hope my post helps. I've been with my H for 10 years, married almost 4. I was the one who had the affair. My H found out 3 months ago. His first reaction was to kick me out. I went and stayed with my parents for a week. While I was there, we still talked and tried to work things out. I immediately started individual counseling. We began marriage counseling within 2 weeks. We have been working ever since. It is hard, and things are still up in the air for us, but don't give up!
To help you understand your wife, let me explain my situation. I love my H, I have never stopped, I never will1 I had no intention of leaving him. I did not understand why the A happened. I couldn't answer this question for my H. Through counseling I have come up with the answer. Since D-Day 3-24-03, I have been diagnosed with depression - bi-polar to be exact. And I have realized many issues I was not aware of. Distorted thinking, low self-esteem, insecurities, avoidance of conflict, hiding feelings from other - stuffing things inside, need for attention. These are just a few things we discovered. The reason for my A was a cry for help! Because of distorted thinking, I did not think I was #1 for my H. I did not know how to talk to him about it, so I kept it all in. I dodn't even know myself because I am so good at hiding feelings. Since I didn't know how to reach out to anyone, I cried out to my H by using the A. It was very wrong of me and I am doing everything I can to prove to him how much I love him! There was never any intention to hurt him. I know this is probably hard to hear, but if your wife says these things, listen! I can only hope that what I did will not cost me my M because when I think about what I have done, I don't want to go on.
Good Luck and let me know if I can help,
Jen

You are not alone.

My wife had and may still be having an affair with a married man of approx one year. She moved out no DDay. And will have liitle contact with me. We've been together for 12+.

I'm only in month 4 but I can say it does get better but it's not and easy road.

Read some books on infidelity, try and ask your wife what her emotional needs are and do your best to fill them. Talk to a freind or family for support. Don't be assamed of this I was and when I finaly told those close to me it removed my guilt and the concern, love and support from them was empowering.

Remeber when telling anyone about the affair be respectfull of your wife and marriage if you do work things out you don't what those same friends looking at your wife in the negative light you cast her in and any negative comments about her that she hears about will only hurt her.

Leave the other man alone he knows who you are and that you love your wife anything else will only hurt your marriage. Don't talk negatively about him infront of your wife. Don't blame your wife.

It was her choice to have the Affair but its now a problem of both your marriage. Be a team player and try and work constructively with your wife to find out why this happend and how it can be prevented.

Oh Ya, as for the other mans wife don't call her to often (once a month at most)your wife will think your spying on her. And other than finding out if the affair is continuing you have no reason to talk with her.

Now here is the toughest thing of all. Believe it or not your wife may have more on her plate dealing with this than you. Her marriage to you, her relationship with family and friends and her relationship with the other man and her own issues.

Time is a ***** but it can't be rushed and niether can your wifes decission so don't push her she has to make her own decissions about what she may lose or is doing to everyone around her. She will not be controled or told what's right or wrong.

You will be the bad guy for alot of this as your the only other person in your marriage for her to blame or vent to. Take the heat and always talk calmly no finger pointing and no heavy arguing.

Sleep well, watch you health, exercise and maybe see your doctor for anti-depresants or counsling. This is no time to be macho. Do what ever you need to do to get out of your fog and get some stability and strength back in your life.

First let me think everyone for your replys. They've all helped. I'm amazed at how many people are on this forum at an given time, it's a little scary to think that many marriages are in trouble.

Jen, your post has helped a lot and i appreciate you shareing your situation. If i didn't know better i'd sware you were my wife. I can't speak for her, but she has said herself that she thinks she's ugly. I've always tried to show her how bueatiful she is, but i could have done more. I would tease her about gaining weight which i know doesn't help her. Let me give some more info to everyone.

I'm not sure how long this affair has been going on or if it is the only one. My wife works nights and i work nights with her and every so often i have to work days for 6-8 months at a time, so that is probably when most of affair took place. No she doesn't go out alone, atleast not when we are both home.
I come from a home were both parents have been together my entire life, which is a rarity these days and i'm thankful for it. My wife however has never met her biological father, he left when she was very young. From what she tells me she has had a hard childhood, she was picked on a lot in school, but hey who wasn't, kids can be so cruel.
Someone asked about the other man. Yes he is was a co-worker of both of ours( i moved to another location the day i found out, i feared i'd lose my job over this and still might). She or he is going to leave/transfer/retire whatever they are willing to do, i've told her that is the only way we can stay together. To make matters worse i've always hated this guy since he started working with us, he's an [censored]. So naturally i thought she did this to punish me for something i had done.
For the 3+ years we've been together we never fought much, I can't even remember one single arguement we had, so this was not the result of a bad marriage or incompatibility, atleast i don't think so.
I don't feel my wife will tell me if something is bothering her or maybe she doesn't know when something is bothering her. I want her to be able to tell me how she feels, but like Jen says i don't think she can or knows how.
She will most likely read this, i let her move back in a few days later. Someone said they were ashamed that their wife had an affair. I was just the opposite, i called everyone to let them know, maybe to punish her or maybe i just felt better knowing it wasn't a secret anymore.
My biggest fear is she only wants to stay married because of the house or because her parents want her to, etc. and not because she really loves me. I mean how could you do this to someone you love so much? I'm afraid i'll never get an answer to that question.
I'm not a wife beater, i've never hit a woman, i don't drink, i've started smoking again. I'm assuming i didn't meet some emotional needs, but i don't know which ones.

NO we don't have any kids. Two dogs.

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: pfunk ]</small>

I know exactly how you are feeling...and I am sorry you or anyone has to go thru this!
One question I had... you didn't like this man that she had the A with... do you think she chose this person because she noticed the attention you gave him by not liking him so she maybe thought this would be the best way to get your attention on her?
Just reading what Jen said and what you replied, I wonder if this was a way of her expressing the need for your attention...people do things in strange ways. I relate that to my own issues. Not knowing how to ask for attention, they do things that get it regardless of how bad what you're doing is? make any sense?

The A has made me feel very inadequate has a man/lover. I realize that sex probably didn't have much to do with it, but i can't help, but think that i wasn't meeting her sexual needs. I'm not afraid to admit that i usually fall in the 70% of men, that is being a 2 minute man. I'm actually going to try some internet programs and hypnosis, but i'm not sure these will help. Am i the only one who has thought this or tried these things. My wife tells me that our sex life is not the problem, but she also told me that she wasn't having an affair. My W says she is happy with me and with our marriage, but this is obviously not the case, or is it? I'm not trying to enlarge anything, just prolong it.

Jen, were you truely happy in your marriage?

Thanks again for the replys

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: pfunk ]</small>

Not meeting her ENs is not justification for having an affair. She had a choice to go for counselling or file for divorce if she was unhappy to be married to you. Having an affair shows that there is a major character flaw in her. You have a right to know all the details and reasons for the affair so you can make a decision whether or not you want to stay in this marriage. Fortunately, you have no children to consider when and if you make the decision to divorce your wife.

Amy, that does make sense and is very possible. I'm trying to show her more attention, I thought i did, but in retrospect(sp?) i probably did not. I think the world of my wife and still do. I tell her this, but don't think she believes me. The hardest part of this is how long it has been going on, possibly our whole marriage or before we got married. I feel like the last three years have meant nothing to her even though she says otherwise.

Tomaz, i'm trying not to sound like i'm making excuses for her, i know there is no excuse. I've asked her when this started, but she says she doesn't remember exactly when, but i've got her to admit it started before we moved in this house so i know more than 1 year. I've gotten more information from him than her which makes me mad at her.

changed my name to faithfulnFL(florida)formerly pfunk, didn't want to confuse anyone. Everyone else had a catchy name

<small>[ June 19, 2003, 08:21 PM: Message edited by: FAITHFULnFL ]</small>

FAITHFULnFL,

You are not alone. Try to be kind and patient with your spouse. She is probably as confused and scared as you are.

Seek professional help....do it as soon as possible. You cannot change what has happened but you can build an environment for healing (if not for both of you then do it for yourself).

This forum is a great place but please seek the advice of a professional.

Faithful,

Just wanted to add myself to the number of voices that have posted here to help you. Some wonderful advice here. The key thing I see here is that your wife is showing remorse and wants to work things out. Cherish this and use it to your advantage. Many of us here, myself included, have had W's that did not show a lot of remorse and continued the affair even after it was discovered.

Now, of course, for your W to stop the affair immediately will be tough. There will be the withdrawal phase. Read up on that here at MB. Just be as honest with each other as you possibly can. If you are scared or hurt or confused, let her know. And when she tells you how she is feeling LISTEN. Right now, you need to be there for each other more than ever before.

I know that with this all being so recent, you are having a rollercoaster ride of feelings. This is normal. I too questioned my past, was I a bad lover, did I not give her enough attention, did I take her for granted? The bottom line is this: You may have not met all of her emotional needs 100%. You ARE both responsible for the deterioration of your marriage. However, only one of you is responsible for the affair. That is her. There is never a good excuse for having an affair, and I hope that she can come to realize that if she hasn't already. Just make sure you also take responsibility for any shortcomings you may have had in the marriage. Remember this though: It will NEVER have been your fault that she had an affair.

You may want to surf over to the General Questions II board, I have an ongoing thread there and a few older ones as well that you might want to search through. There's a lot to be learned there, as I posted some very honest experiences throughout this process and have gotten some wonderful advice. Unfortunately, my W never wanted to leave her OM and is still with him, but again, not my fault. You can only do so much with the tools that MB offers. Read, learn, understand, but most of all, right now, spend time talking with your wife and understanding her. It's crucial.

Good luck, and please, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

ALS

Sorry I didn't respond sooner. Last night was a bad night for me. I away on business right now and feel very hopeless. My H is in the anger stage, and it makes things very difficult. I am just trying to go minute by minute to make it through.
I agree with the person who said your wife is trying. The best compliment my H gives me now is telling me he knows how hard I'm trying. I've done everything I can to show my H how remorseful I am. So much to the point that I think I have stopped taking care of my needs. I am so ashamed of what I did. I wish I could have realized something was wrong and went to him. I wish I am not the way I am, but I can't change the past. I love my H more than anything! He is my reason for smiling, laughing, crying, loving, and hoping. He makes me want to be a better person. I now see there were times I was not happy, but we have had some wonderful time together since D-Day. These are the times I remember feeling like myself, feeling happy. I can't imagine life without my H. I don't need our house or cars, my family support me either way, but I know for myself, I do not want anything but the chance to be happy again by making my H happy!
Jen

FAITHFULnFL,

Our stories are very similar. I'm 31, my wife is 25 and we'll be married 3 years this Nov. My wife has been having an affair with a coworker the past 10 months. I just found out a week ago on Friday. I sent her home to her parents that night, but picked her up 2 days later to bring her home. I think I've experienced every emotion that exists this past week. I still love my wife and I think she loves me. Every day I'm torn between wanting to stay and rebuild our marriage or divorcing her and moving on with my life. I feel so hurt and betrayed that she so quickly and so easily gave herself physically and emotionally to another man. I feel angry that the past year I have not had my emotional/physical needs met and have been suffering and sacrificing while she's been out there getting her own needs met without thinking of me. I know I'm not a perfect husband, but I've always tried to be a good husband and meet all her needs. I recognized a long time ago that she was enjoying the attention this person was giving her. I attempted to give her more attention and affection, but she just shut me out. I have never considered cheating on her and cannot understand how she could do this. She tells me she loves me, but it is almost impossible for me to believe her. She said she tried to end it several times, but if it wasn't for his wife finding out, this affair would still be continuing today. We saw a marriage counselor last Tues. and he recommended I not act so affection starved (even though I am) so that she can miss me and fall back in love with me. What kind of bull**** is that!? She's been screwing some other guy and now I have to be all nice to her and pretend like we're dating? I've been following his advice, but I feel so fake doing it. It's so unfair, she should be proving her love to me! I feel if I don't divorce her, I will have no self-respect. I honestly love her and want to be with her, but I am so devastated! Can I ever trust her again? How can I ever bring her around my family again, they hate her now. We don't have any kids, so should I just be thankful this happened this early in our marriage and just quit while I'm ahead? I'm seeing our counselor tomorrow night by myself. I hope he can help me answer these questions. I hate what she has done to me and our marriage. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love her and trust her the way I did.

In my opinion, the fact that you are still young and there are no children it is not worth the pain of staying in a marriage in which there has been infidelity.

oops

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>