I've been working on my marriage after my wife completely disengaged from me a few months ago after getting a new job. She was buying a lot of clothes, coming home later from work, being real distant, cruel, secretive, etc.

She denied everything. Tried to make me feel crazy. I recently found out that she has had some kind of relationship with someone at work. I won't go into detail, only to say that I know it's true. I don't have the person's name, or the extent of the affair.

I can't even look at her as she continues to deny that she even had any kind of friendship with any men at work. She deny's it completely. I don't want to tell her how I know because I don't want her to blow up on me for that. So there's this cycle of veiled accusations from me and rageful denials from her.

Any advise?

Only with truth can you hope to possibly save your marriage. If she sees that you know it will make her realize that she is jeopardizing her marriage by continuing this behaviour.

Tomaz, thanks for the reply. I can't get her to admit it. She looks me dead in the eye and insists that there is nothing there. The proof I have isn't specific enough for me to pin her. Also, I don't want to give away my source of infmormation, a mistake I made in the past the last time she drifted.

My wife denied she was having an affair with a co-worker too...but I confronted her with the data I had and she had no other option but to admit it. The problem is the quality of the data you have and how convincing it is to you and her. In my case, I hid a voice actuated recorder in her vehicle and taped conversations during her lunch breaks that she had with her co-worker. I found out everything and then confronted her with the knowledge I had, and of course she was in a state of denial. After I noticed I was getting no where, I played a segment of the tape for her and she began to talk. It was like pulling teeth for the next couple of months to get details and if it would not have been for the taped converstations, I would not have gotten this out in the open. To this date, I still do not know all the gory details of the affair, but I do know there was an intimate relationship. We are in counseling right now and making some progress but until this is completely out in the open, there is very little hope of recovering completely. As my MC has told us, that if she is not sincere in cooperating with my desire to have full disclosure of the extent of the affair and to stop all contact, especially if emotions are being shared, the risk will be that I will soon get tired of this and will leave her for good. He also mentioned that a divorce with minors and marital assets can be very painful, costly and regrettable. I think this has gotten her attention and now I am in verification mode to see if she is complying. As I have mentioned to her already, if I determine that there is contact going on, our relationship is over. In the meantime, I have been applying plan A to it's fullest and it has worked. She is paying attention to me and enjoying time together. However, since the other other man is single, I have the feeling that he is still being persistent despite the fact that she has ended the relationship. I expect her to have the discipline to hold her end of the bargain irregardless of the circumstances.

I hope this helps.

The dinial is normal... I had to present my H with concrete proof.. email files, chat logs, etc. I even got the OW's phone bill from her because she was so pissed that he was lying about have anything to do with her. Everytime he denied I showed him more proof..

He got tired of not being about to hide... and I kept telling him that the lying was not protecting me. It hurt more then the truth ever could. I also promissed to not use anything hi told me to punish him.. it was hard but I kept my promise. He has to feel safe and learn that he could trust me too. After about 2-3 weeks of this he started opening up.

Califdad I have been there and done that. My wife even said his name in her sleep and she acted like I was crazy for bringing it up the next morning. She reaked of cologne and she said I was a control freak. She was constantly late and even when I begged her to get home early would trot in and hour and a half late. I couldn't go to any extremes because I was afraid what she was saying (control freak) would be proven true. If I had it to do over again I would have snuck into her office and put on a keylogger and have the log sent to my email. I would have had the same device on our home computer and been able to snag every one of her email passwords. I also would have dropped our kids off with someone in the late afternoon and gone into spy mode. They always met after work for a little make out session after work. The deepest sexual act happened in our vehicle one Saturday night. I still think I am going to have to get rid of that car and needless to say I will NEVER be able to go to that park again.

<small>[ June 20, 2003, 05:50 AM: Message edited by: DepressedinMemphis ]</small>

"Also, I don't want to give away my source of infmormation, a mistake I made in the past the last time she drifted. "

It sounds from your post that she has done this before. If you have to play detective for the next 20 years what is the point of staying married and have your self esteem shattered by her having affairs with other men. No one should live like this.