I need some advice. Two weeks ago my husband went through my things and uncovered my affair. I had been asking him for a divorce for over two years. Because of our careers and trying to stay together for our 2 daughters, we held on for a while longer. I met the LOML while away at a training course for my job about 7 months ago. This man is now away in a foreign country (working) for the next year. He wants to marry me and start a family upon his return in 2004 and wants me to finalize my divorce. He is everything I need in a man. Of course, you can see where this is heading. While I was completely frustrated with my husband and wanted out of the marriage prior to the "discovery", in the end, I am having some regrets and feelings of remorse. I can't deny that I love my husband, but he is very self-centered and immature. He almost never puts the needs of our family first. We have only been married for 4 years and he selfishly quit his job two years ago to pursue B-school (top 10 school) and left me shouldering the responsibility of the family. Also, when asked to assist with "chores" he constantly retorts that he is not "domesticated". I end up doing it all. On top of all of this, he has made it clear that he doesn't love my older daughter (from a former relationship) like his own and refused to give her his last name; he told me that he met the love of his life long before he met me but he gave her up and decided to commit to our relationship; and he always makes promises he can't keep. When he discovered this affair, he drained all of the money from our joint savings account, had my cell service cut off along with my car insurance(both were in his name, but I paid the bills--ironic, huh?) and had my 8 year old help him pack his car (that I was paying the note on, too) and took off while I was at work. He then threatened to ruin my career (and that of the OM) by exposing the affair to our employer (we work for the same company with a strict policy forbidding adultery). He also claimed that he considers me a bad mother because I have horrible morals. Of course there were threats of taking my children away from me as well. During this past week, however, he has changed his attitude entirely. The children spent father's day with him and I let them both purchase gifts for him. I gave him an apology card (for hurting him). We have talked on the phone and tried to iron out some of the details of the divorce. We have also discussed some of the issues that led up to this date. He expressed to me that he was holding onto his "evidence" to remind him that there is no way he could ever return. He said that he also tape recorded one of my earlier conversations (with him) and it helps him to focus on moving forward, since he knows I've found happiness with the OM. So, what are my questions?:
1) Do you think my remorse is just out of the guilt for hurting him?
2) Is this marriage worth trying to save and if so, who should be the one initiating/working toward that.
3) Am I foolish to believe that I could have a lasting love with my OM? He seems so right for me (in every aspect). But, after reading through this website, I am having doubts.
Thanks in advance for ANY responses. And believe me, I have thick skin and I'm prepared for the constructive critism.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Am I foolish to believe that I could have a lasting love with my OM? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. your relationship was built on lies to those you love. You can have a great marriage with your current husband, but only if both of you are willing to work at it. Spend some time and read through the Basic Concepts section of this web site from beginning to end. Then, click on the link in my signature line, and read through the links on Plan A, because that is your best bet at convincing your husband to work at it.

wow confusion,

I'm confused too....and that's not normal for me! On the one hand, you have your husband, who definitely has some control issues and has been neglecting you and his family. On the other hand, you have an OM who you probably have very little hope of have a successful marriage with. If you've read the site...you can figure out why.

Here is the best advice I can come up with right now.....take the time to explore the possibility that you can rebuild your marriage using the principles and resources on this site...including counseling. I agree that your marriage is in sorry shape...but it can and HAS been done every day here. You have everyday for the rest of your life to divorce your husband, but you have a very short time to save your marriage. Do that FIRST. It is the reasonable, ethical and moral choice. If you give it all you have, and H won't pick up the ball and run with it....divorce is still open to you, and you can walk away without all of the self doubt, regret and remorse you now feel. THEN and only then....can you pursue another relationship. What you have already done, is incredibly hurtful and unfair to all involved....and your conscience will ruin your efforts to build a new relationship with anyone. You aren't ready for another man yet....and won't be for some time. If the OM is meant to be....he'll still be there. Things have a natural order in the world and you've violated that...consequently, you don't feel good about it. Do this the way you KNOW it should be done, then no matter the outcome....you can hold your head up. Take the high road.

Yea… what Star said….

1) Do you think my remorse is just out of the guilt for hurting him?

No, I think you love your husband. That your marriage was going down hill so you took the easy way to make yourself feel good instead of dealing with the hard issues. Like you said, you still love your husband. It’s really best to finalize one relationship before even contemplating another.

2) Is this marriage worth trying to save and if so, who should be the one initiating/working toward that?

Well your marriage does have its problems. You listed some of your husband’s flaws.. Unilaterally making the decision about school, not being financially responsible, ‘settling to marry you’, not being domesticated and the way he reacted to your affair (vindictive and nasty). But these are all things that could be worked out IF he was willing to rebuild your marriage.

By the way, not loving your stepdaughter as his own and not being willing to adopt her is not something you should hold against him. There nothing that says he has to. As long as he treats her well and she treats him with respect it’s ok. Many men do not accept their stepchildren well.

Your OM might not accept your children well either. Has he even met your children? There is no relationship there. It would not be fair to them to keep moving them from one marriage to another.

Your husband reacted harshly to finding out about your affair. Many people do at first.. it is probably the most hurtful thing you could have ever done to him. If you want him to forgive you for your affair, then certainly you can forgive him a not unusual reaction of being hurt and trying to protect himself.

3) As for who should work toward it? Both of you. It takes two.

It sounds like your marriage is worth giving a . You did not bring up any form of drug/alcohol addiction or any abuse. Did you not love your husband and have a good relationship with him at one time? You can build on that foundation and have an even better marriage.

And who should be the one initiating/working towards it? I don’t think that Emily Post has a chapter on that. One, or both of you can initiate it. Since you had the affair, I think it would be wonderful if you did. You will see many BS here who are trying to negotiate with their WS to end their affair and work on the marriage. But that is not always the way it goes. In my case my husband was the one who started Plan A’ing me when I discovered his affairs. As far as I was concerned our marriage was over. But to do this you have to initiate no contact with the OM (write a no contact letter as described in Surviving an Affair).

4) Am I foolish to believe that I could have a lasting love with my OM? He seems so right for me (in every aspect). But, after reading through this website, I am having doubts.

I’ll not deny that there is the slightest of possibilities that he is all that you think he is. But it’s more likely that he’s just a man who has flaws like your husband does. And after a while those flaws would eat at you. Speaking from experience, divorce does not solve any problems. It only creates new ones.

You know that distance does not make the heart grow fonder? OM will have unmet needs, he will probably start seeing someone where he is now living.

This should not be about which man you settle for. It should be about you, your children. What is best for all of you? Right now the question is between your husband and you being a single woman and mom.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) Do you think my remorse is just out of the guilt for hurting him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's likely that it's a combination of guilt for hurting someone you love/d and also guilt at crossing your own values and just the plain ole remorse of feeling you are failing at your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2) Is this marriage worth trying to save and if so, who should be the one initiating/working toward that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe it is, only you and your H can decide for yourself. Some marriages are worth doing almost anything to get it back on track, some should never have happened in the first place. Some become so unhealthy for one partner or both, that it's best to stop the "sickness".

IF...your marriage is worth saving you and your H have got a lot of really hard work to do TOGETHER. There are some deep problems which exsisted in the marriage before the betrayal, lack of communication, you're being made to feel "second best", the problem of his inabilty to bond with your dd to name just those that you put in your post. (I am sure he'd have an equal number of issues prior to betrayal about your behavior.) The problem with working on marital issues is that betrayal issues will overwhelm them and it takes working through the betrayal before you can reach the marriage ones.

As for who should began talking about saving the marriage..it is the one who wants the marriage to suceed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3) Am I foolish to believe that I could have a lasting love with my OM? He seems so right for me (in every aspect). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are being rather foolish. Not that an affair relationship turned into one that is considered more "normal" can't work out, it's just that few do. The affair is begun under a burden of secrets, while this burden also adds in an edge of excitement which can not be maintained in a "normal" relationship. While he may seem "perfect" in every aspect, there are a lot of aspects neither of you know about the other. We all put our best foot forward when we only have a limited amount of time to spend with someone. Those relationships which began during a betrayal have the added burden of distrust. It's pretty hard to work it out that both of you will never distrust the other without bringing up the issue of "he did it WITH me", "he'll do it TO me" at some point in time.

Plus...he's going to be out of the country for several months...distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder.

The thing about all this...you need to end one relationship before either beginning a new one or rebuilding the old. Having one will doom the other. The one thing both relationships have in common...is YOU. You need to discover why you choose the option to betray when a divorce is easy gotten. You need to discover why you've gone along with some of the things your H has said and done. If we don't have some breathing room between relationships...I believe we often find ourselves right back in the same type of relationship we just left...it's just got a new face to wake up beside.

I want to begin by thanking each of you for your sincere replies. The only comment I would attempt to argue with is that "Distance DOES make the heart grow fonder". At least it has for me with the H. I have been in so much turmoil since the day he left. I have felt completely empty. We hadn't been together (S) since December, but I still miss him. The OM calls me three times (plus) a week and emails every day to ensure I haven't changed my mind about him. I have discussed with him the fact that I have some regrets and I feel very bad for the way things have turned out and I think he fears me wanting to reconcile with H. A huge part of me still does, but I now fear H's rejection. He has started getting his life in order, found an apartment with a (male) friend and started his new job. We are actually communicating more than when he was here. We have had two-three hour telephone conversations in the past few days and have discussed the things that hurt us throughout our marriage. Issues with my daughter, finances, school, and "the bedroom" have all been discussed. He has told me that I made him feel like less of a man by numerous comments about him not working and we have had two very bad fights (last year) where I ended up slapping him (HORRIBLE, I know). I am so "hyper" sensitive and have so much pride that I have never been the one to make up after a fight, even if I were the one who was wrong. He mentioned this today and said that he always felt if he didn't make the effort, then we would not ever make it work. He also mentioned that when I told him that I thought I found my soul-mate in the OM, he decided that he wanted me to just be happy and he wouldn't interfere. He tells me that he still loves me and always will, but I am so afraid of making anymore mistakes. I know that we both drained each other's self esteem and caused the other to really doubt our own self-worth. I know that all of his friends and family know about the affair and break-up and I feel that everyone will probably tell him to just let it go. I know I sound like a chicken, but I want so badly to do what's right. I can't, however, deny my love for the OM, but the qualities I found in him, I just wish I could have in my H. A few more questions: I want to ask H out to dinner to talk again. Should I? Do any of you think that H would be opposed to trying again? And, in CT, before you can be divorced, you must go through a parenting class. H asked me if I signed up for the class yet and told me that he already has his dates set. He offered to sign me up at his location (45 min. away from me). I initially declined. It's not mandatory to attend the same class. Should I take this course with him? And lastly, I know that I should be reading the Basics..., but how can I possibly hurt OM. Someone mentioned that he will probably find someone else while he's away and I don't think so. I have to mention this (even though it's "incriminating", I believe it's very relevant) OM had my name tattooed on his body. I took pictures and this is what H found. This is the reason I believe that OM is pretty serious, and is now afraid he's going to look like a fool. I don't want to hurt anyone else. But I don't want to live with any regrets either. More advice is welcomed and greatly appreciated! Thanks again.

One more question... Should I tell H about this site?

Sure, tell your H about this site....it could help him through some of the pain....but be warned....it's sometimes hard when both parties post.

You cannot escape causing more pain, or living with regrets. That is the spot that you have put yourself into and there is no way to escape unscathed. Accept the consequences of hurting one of these men. Accept the fact that a choice will have to be made. You will have regrets....but the biggest one, will be losing yourself for a time. Don't give up....it's still a worthy journey and one worth making.

Star*fish, thanks for the reply. You're so right. I need to get over it and do what's right. I am just so afraid of the rejection I may get from H. I don't think he would tolerate HALF of what I've been reading about in this site. He feels that an A is absolutely vile and would subject himself to almost anything except playing second fiddle to another man. I could never be "Wayward Wife", giving him the cold shoulder because I had to break it off with OM. I don't believe I can ever expect him to want anything more than a friendship. Any more thoughts?

CT,

I am going to be a bit harsh with you because when I read your first post, it sort of amazed me. You basically claimed your H did NOTHING for you, was extremely selfish, and basically was a poor excuse of a man. You couldn't understand how he could be mad enough to turn you in to your company, etc. Yet, you proceeded to act just like him, selfish, self-centered, lying, cheating, and violating your own company policies which means you are lying to them as well as your family.

Where does that put you?

Then you post and point out that you have in fact physically abused your H. You didn't really respect him (that was obvious from the first post). Yet, you want think you might want to still be married to him, but you are afraid of the rejections. Rejection???? What have you done to your H? Yet, there are indications that if you got it together he might be willing to work it out. He does in fact have a job, so the B-school wasn't that selfish now was it???

You asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) Do you think my remorse is just out of the guilt for hurting him?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I am sure it is out of remorse, but you second post suggests that you do still love him, but that you are seriously messed up. You need to do some reading and I would strongly recommend two books to you Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs both by Harley.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
2) Is this marriage worth trying to save and if so, who should be the one initiating/working toward that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Short answer: Yup.

Long answer: Yes I do, IF you decide to start looking at things a bit differently.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
3) Am I foolish to believe that I could have a lasting love with my OM? He seems so right for me (in every aspect). But, after reading through this website, I am having doubts. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's see: The man you love has no respect for marriage. He has no respect for the company he works for. He talks about children but apparently doesn't know yours. He lives in another country. He is a liar. I am sure I have missed somethings about this WONDER example of a human being. BUT HE DOES LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU. Of course he has never really spent much time around you other than in ideal setting of courting. Good real Good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

No, I don't think there is much chance of it working long term. Why? because of he failings and those you have mentioned in your own marriage. You haven't yet learned what you need to learn in and from this marriage. So the odds are low that your new OM will make it. In fact the statistics are about 3%.

Please do some reading here. Do some reading of the books I mentioned. And then consider how your H has been rejected, but is still willing to discuss things with you. Suggests to me you might consider taking the risk of a little rejection yourself.

God Bless,

JL

CT,

The question is what do you want? Until you know that, our hands are really tied and it's impossible to help you. If you want to end your marriage and go with he Om, this may not be the best spot for help. But if you want to rebuild your marriage and get back your self esteem....we really can help and would like to. It's a known fact that infidelity doesn't ruin most marriages....neglect does. What led to your betrayal. What was wrong with your marriage before....because if you go back...it will all be there. Those things and more, we can help you with. But you must decide, and then stick to your decision. All of this can and will heal in time.

JL,
You definitely make a few valid points. You almost sound like my husband... I have one question for you, what do you mean by "there are indications that if you got it together, he would be willing to work it out". What indications are you referring to?

Also, as I look back on the marriage, I think that Star*fish is absolutely correct regarding the "neglect" issue. We neglected each others needs. My H admits to being very spoiled and self-centered, there's no doubt about that one. I am guilty of not giving him the love and affection he needed because I viewed his spoiled ways as using me. I came into this a single mom and was looking for a life-partner to emerge from this very sweet man I met. Instead, I had a playmate who wanted to enjoy the benefits of a permenant girlfriend with no responsibilities of husband. I don't aim to make excuses for my wrong-doing, only a reason I felt so neglected. Yes, he now has a job. But in the process, he created a lot of pain-- we both did. I could care less about the job. I would rather have had a loving, attentive husband over the past few years. Someone who put my needs first. And I his. But, JL is 100% right in that I was no better than him in the end. Instead of being a loving and supportive example for my H to eventually follow, I gave him an eye for an eye. This is what "I" did to my H and I feel guilty for not being the bigger person and working through these issues years ago. I let the pain build up and I lashed out in more ways than just the A. Emotional and physical abuse included. Again, I wouldn't be on this site if I wasn't willing to change. I have read a lot of the posts and realize that there are more of the BS on here than those in my shoes. I don't want to do wrong. Thanks again for all of the great advice.

Ah CT,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I could care less about the job. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you do. His lack of a job while in school was a big LB for you. You generated a lot of resentment from him not having a job and him not helping you "shoulder" the burden.

What you have said about him indicates that he may be willing to make this marriage work. BUT, he is going to have to feel safe in the marriage. SAFE you say?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Yup, verbal and physical abuse don't make people feel safe, and it doesn't engender cooporation. You were not honest with him in telling him about your feelings.

Please go read about radical honesty and the POJA. If you were to understand those concepts, and the 4 rules for a good marriage (all just common/not so common sense), then I think you would see your interactions with your H in a different light. My bet is if you see him in a differet light, it will affect him. You could buy the books mentioned and read them and give them to him.

You can rebuild the marriage, because as much as he has threatened, you two are still married, he hasn't told your employeer. He is calming down from the pain of your rejections.

I think you MUST try to rebuild this marriage. Why? Well on the most pragmatic level, any new relationship is doomed to fail unless you learn a lot more than you apparently know right now. You might as well do the learning while trying to rebuild the marriage. If this effort fails you will be in a much better situation for the future. If it succeeds you just may have the marriage you always wanted. Sort of a win-win deal as I see it.

BUT, you will say, what about the OM? Well, he didn't care about your marriage. He didn't care about what divorce would do to your children. So exactly why should he be part of your considerations for rebuilding your marriage??

This brings me you to your daughter. I would bet dollars to donuts, that your H views her as a surrogate for why your treated him as you did. I cannot completely articulate what I want to here, but I suspect that he can and will come to see her differently IF the marriage is on firm footing. Just a guy hunch.

I also think he has learned a thing or two about relationships in this exercise, and he also needs to learn more if this or any other marriage is to succeed.

So read about radical honesty, and the POJA. They are the foundations of this approach to building love and rebuilding marraiges. Just remember life is a team sport and whether you like it or not, you and H have a created a team by having a child together. The only real issue is what kind of a team.

One last quote for you to consider. It used to be the tag line of a poster here, WhoDat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Resentment is like taking poison, and waiting of the other person to die. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suspect as you continue to post here, and engage your H in conversation, that quote will come to your mind more and more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

PS: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We have had two-three hour telephone conversations in the past few days and have discussed the things that hurt us throughout our marriage. Issues with my daughter, finances, school, and "the bedroom" have all been discussed. He has told me that I made him feel like less of a man by numerous comments about him not working and we have had two very bad fights (last year) where I ended up slapping him (HORRIBLE, I know). I am so "hyper" sensitive and have so much pride that I have never been the one to make up after a fight, even if I were the one who was wrong. He mentioned this today and said that he always felt if he didn't make the effort, then we would not ever make it work. He also mentioned that when I told him that I thought I found my soul-mate in the OM, he decided that he wanted me to just be happy and he wouldn't interfere. He tells me that he still loves me and always will, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are not the comments of a man that wants to "ditch" his W. There are the comments of a very hurt man, that loves his W very much. This alone shows that you two haven't communicated very well in the past. You have not been listening to him, nor watching him, but expecting him to be AS YOU WANT rather than he is. Yup, I am sure he messed up, but as you say you haven't "overflowed with the milk of human kindness" during the marriage.

Do you see the point? I hope so. This really is about changing perspectives. You have changed yours in part to justify the affair. It is call "the fog" or rewriting history around here. It is normal, common, and part of the deal. All of his good points have been forgotten but his every failure is duly noted and scribed in stone on your ledger. It is NORMAL.

That is why you have been hearing that we think if you want to rebuild it, you can have a much better marriage with your H than you have ever had. You have to make the choices, and you are going to have to do the work, but it can work.

<small>[ June 22, 2003, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Yep to everything JL has said......

He feels that an A is absolutely vile and would subject himself to almost anything except playing second fiddle to another man.

You would be hard pressed to find anyone here on MB who feels any differently than your husband does. Both the BS and WS here tend to agree with this. I certainly will not accept playing second fiddle to another woman.

I could never be "Wayward Wife", giving him the cold shoulder because I had to break it off with OM. I don't believe I can ever expect him to want anything more than a friendship.

I don’t understand what you mean here. Could you me more explicit?

I want to ask H out to dinner to talk again. Should I? Do any of you think that H would be opposed to trying again?

I think that you need to ask these questions of your husband. One thing to learn is that you should not try to guess or second-guess how a person is going to react. Do what is right and what you feel you need to do. If he declines, then that’s on him. It’s called radical honesty. You want to talk and perhaps work on your marriage. So tell him and ask him out to talk about it. See, you are still acting the way you did in the past… you want to react to him the way he will react to you.. an eye for an eye.

And, in CT, before you can be divorced, you must go through a parenting class. H asked me if I signed up for the class yet and told me that he already has his dates set. He offered to sign me up at his location (45 min. away from me). I initially declined. It's not mandatory to attend the same class. Should I take this course with him?

Absolutely you should take this course with him. If you get a divorce the two of you are going to have to co-parent. He is going to be in your life at least until your youngest grows up. It is in your children’s best interest that the two of you can co-parent and get along. You see, divorcing him does not get rid of him.

And lastly, I know that I should be reading the Basics..., but how can I possibly hurt OM.

How can you possibly hurt the OM? A more relevant question is how can you possibly hurt your husband? That is the most amazingly selfish question.

Someone mentioned that he will probably find someone else while he's away and I don't think so. I have to mention this (even though it's "incriminating", I believe it's very relevant) OM had my name tattooed on his body.

This guy knew you for what? Seven months? And he had your name tattooed on his body? It takes more then seven months of dating to find out if a person is marriage material. He had the name of a married woman tattooed on his body and you think this is a positive thing? What this tells me about him is that he is impulsive and acts without thinking things through. And it reinforces something we already know about him. He has no respect for marriage.

Tattooes are not really permanent either…. They can be removed…. Or even faded. I’ve known guys who did this. Then after they break up with the girl, they have to do something about it because no woman wants to be with a man who has another woman’s name on his body…. So it’s removed or re-tattooed to disguise it.

You know marriage is not about all those butterfly feelings.. It’s about so much more.

How old are you and the OM?

This is the reason I believe that OM is pretty serious, and is now afraid he's going to look like a fool.

So you think he is afraid of looking like a fool because he has your name on his body? I’m speechless. Have you read the book “Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives”? I would recommend it to you.

You said that you have not started to read the basics because you don’t know what you want to do. Reading the basics will help you in two ways. 1) They will help you figure out what you want to do. 2) They will help you learn better relationship skills that you can use no matter what you do.

Should you introduce your husband to this website? Yes. You should also introduce him to the MB books. Start with “Surviving an Affair”. You can both read it and benefit from it.

<small>[ June 22, 2003, 12:48 AM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

I read the first few posts & skimmed the rest. Coming from a person who has a WW I would recomend some MC. I do not think that this is anything you can do on your own. The only part you can do on your own is to decide on what you want. This is where I am at right now. I am currently waiting for my WW to end her A with om. In the meantime I have read the book Survivng an affair (read it in about 3 days) it will give you a great insight to what is in store for both you & your husband. If things do not work out between you & your husband it will at least give you the oppertunity to grow & not let a divorce happen again.

You are in a very unique postion I would say. Like other people have said 1) It takes two people to make a marraige work. 2) you need to decide whether or not you want to try. 3) I think that your current husband is lucky that you are thinking things through.

Hang in there....You will make the right choice....If you are not sure what that is, look at yourself in the mirror & ask yourself if you will have any regreats if you end it now. Have you done everything that you can to save what you have? This is what I do everyday, I still answer no. My WW is in no way ready to be in the same postion you are in.

Hopefully this helps....I am learning alot fast by being here. Hang in there

LostPilot

This site is so amazing. While it is not easy to read some of the more harsh replies, I am humbled by everyone's thoughts. I have to admit that part of me feels stupid and yet another part of me just wants desperately to be loved and adored and that's what the OM gives. Someone asked how old are we. H is 28. OM and I are 33. Too old for these awful mistakes, too young to be miserable in a relationship.
JL, I explained to my H recently as I will explain to you: The JOB REALLY IS NOT THE ISSUE HERE. I am a career woman who loves her children dearly. I am currently pursuing my MBA (night school) while I work. I would not have had a problem supporting my husband if he chose to stay home FOREVER with the children and never work outside of our home. The issues we faced stemmed from his unwillingness to be a team player. If a person is afforded the opportunity to NOT work and to focus on their dream of going to B-school, the reasonable expectation is that while the other partner supports the family, the non-working parent is more involved with day-to-day chores and caring for the children. Now, most of you guys are thinking, that isn't very reasonable to expect when you're talking about a man. Most men aren't homemakers and nurturers, right? Well, I can buy that one too. But, when I ended up: Working to support the family, taking care of the household chores and the children, handling the finances, fixing the cars, planning/preparing for family trips, and the list goes on, I began to feel abused myself. I expressed to my H time and time again that I was "burnt out, unhappy, exhausted, miserable, etc.". I began by asking for his help and after a while, demanding it. He would tell me that "He refuses to break his back like me". Not to mention many days while I did laundry or dishes or cleaned the house on a Saturday or Sunday, my H would sit in front of the playstation for hours playing video games. This is when I began being verbally abusive. I haven't even mentioned the weight gain and his personal hygiene issues. All of this really made me feel like a very neglected, unappreciated W. Again, I am absolutely not here to make excuses for my horrible actions. I realize my faults and want badly to fix ME before I move forward. But, I am still not sure if this relationship is worth saving. We did not have a very long courtship (prior to our marriage) and I wonder now if we are just so poorly matched that it would be disasterous no matter WHAT we do to try to fix our problems. Maybe there are too many problems to fix. I have looked myself in the mirror and asked the question: Did I do all that I could? And the answer was no. I was selfish too sometimes. I expected my H to KNOW immediately how to be a husband and a father and when he did not meet my expectations, I condemned him. I feel bad about those things. Maybe the other problems would not have surfaced if I were not so judgmental in the beginning. Maybe I would not have been so bitter and angry if he had made me his focus instead of himself. Who knows what comes first "the chicken or the egg". The only things I am sure of right now is that: I still love him, despite his flaws; I miss him; and my daughters (both) adore him and love him dearly. I know that him coming home right now is probably a bad idea until I get it together. But I'm not ready to close the door on our marriage either. I am currently reading Basics... (It's long!) I will go today to pick up Surviving an A. I did purchase a book called "Adultery" the other day and another called the "Surrendered Wife". So far, both are pretty good. Has anyone heard of or read these? Thanks again for the advice! I applaud all of you for your efforts with your own relationships. I hope at some point I, too, can be of help to others.

P.S. The quote about Resentment being poisin stings.

CTconfusion,

I understand what you are saying, that it’s not about the job or not the job. It’s about your wanting a husband who is a participating partner contributing to the marriage, childrearing and the household. Those are perfectly reasonable expectation. From your description your husband fell down on the despite you expressing you needs and your hurt.

I’ve been in the situation of supporting a husband, in school who refused to participate in anything. We are now divorced.

One of the most common topics in the many posts here on MB is about a spouse who will not do anything to work on the marriage, the home, nothing. They are non participatory in family life. They seem to think that once a they are married it’s free ride. I just don’t understand people who do that, baffles me.

Your marriage may or may not be able to be saved. They first thing you have to work on right now is what do you want and if it’s your marriage what are you going to do to work with you husband.

To recover your marriage, you will have to take full responsibility for your affair and the damage it caused. BUT both of you are going to have to be realize your faults and work on totally restructuring your marriage from the ground up. IMHO you are going to have to tell him that he has to become a full partner in your marriage or it is over. And of course you are going to have to look closely at what you did to contribute to the state of your marriage. You have already discussed a lot of that here.

As hard as this period of time is for both you and your H, it is also an opportunity if BOTH of you are up to the task of building a better marriage. To simply go back to the way things were before you A, is a huge step backward instead of forward. And for that reason I truly beleive that if BOTH of you follow The Basic Concepts and The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage then you can have a happy and healthy marriage. My suggestion is to insist on the following non-negotiable boundaries before the two of you can get back together:

1. Follow the guidelines in How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor

2. Commitment for BOTH to follow The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage and The Basic Concepts .

I wish you and your loved ones all the best.

I'm glad I read your posts, as it allowed me to see some insight to myself. I had a one night stand with a man, and will now spend the rest of my life making it up to him. You need to seperate yourself from both men and make a decision. You also need to remember the commitment you made to your husband and how much he meant to you. You accepted him as your life long partner and as a parent figure to your child. My husband brought three children into our marriage with him (I had no children of my own)and thought enough of me to ask me to help him raise his children. He bestowed upon me one of the highest honors I can think of - just as you did with your husband. I am so incredibly sorry that I broke all of the trust and faith he had in me. What were my intentions when I had sex with the OM? I still don't know. It's going to take a lot of self reflection to figure it out. What were OM's intentions? One night with a woman he knew he would never have to answer to again! That's the reality. What is your reality? Don't consider his feelings - you owe the OM nothing. You owe your husband everything. Spend some time alone with him and you will see what you saw in him years ago!