I have a question for you all. My husband and I have been seperated now for two months and I was wondering how long it normally takes for the betrayer to come around if he/she is going to? Is there somewhat of a normal timeline?<P>In this case my husband is the betrayer and I am the one waiting for him to come around and realize that we are worth fighting for...<P>I just want this to be over so badley and was wondering how long I am in for....<P>Amanda<P><P>------------------<BR>:) I will love my husband "Always & Forever" :)<P>

avance:<P>my heart aches for you, but i don't have any concrete ideas. <P>hopefully, someone that's been on here longer will be able to help.<P>courage!<BR>lost girl

I'm sorry. I'm a bit farther along than you. I believe Harley says somewhere on this site that the AVERAGE affair lasts b/n 6 months and 2 years after discovery. Some are shorter, some can be longer.<P>So buckle up and prepare for a long ride.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori

thanks so far for the help.....The "affair" I belive started in march or april 99 and he told me june 1, 1999....We were together somewhat untill he moved me back home(another state) in october 99. So we have not lived together since october of 99....<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>:) I will love my husband "Always & Forever" :)<P>

Dear Avance,<P>Hi, I just read your profile and I have some questions. You said that your H claimed that he did not feel the same about your relationship after that long seperation. Had he already started being involved with the OW at that time? Also, how is your husband dealing with not seeing his two boys? I know that when my H and I seperated, he missed our son so much. That had a lot to do with how quickly we got back together. <P>Is your H still involved with OW? Are you talking about the marriage at all with him? these are things that contribute to the length of a seperation, I would think.<P>God bless you for keeping it together and taking care of your children. You have been the primary care-giver to your youngest who was born during all of this mayham.<P>I am pregnant with our second son. I found out about my H's affair when I was 3 months pregnant. It has been a long haul, but husband came around right away after I left him and started plan B.<P>I am praying that your husband sees the light as well very soon.

to waffles too,<P>I asked when it started and he said he didnt know the exact date but that they had been talking as friends about everything and it "just happened"......They have not been physical(just kissed) and I believe him on that one.<P>I dont know how he is dealing with not seeine his boys.....he has lived woth our youngest for only four of his 16 months of life....it is sad because they really dont kow each other. he says they mean everything to him....I ask my self if something means everything to me would i send it 700 miles away(round trip)?<P>Yes he is still seeing her....they work together for one thing....I asked him last time if he was involved with her and he said I dont know if I would call it that??? I said are you dating? and he said I guess you could call it that......<P>I thalked to him today, the first time since dec 11......I asked about christmas and if he was coming down and all that......<P>I also asked if he thinks about me and he said yes?!<P>It is going to be really hard on him in february because he mostlikely wont be able to see the boys/me at all.....he will be out to sea for most of the month...only coming in for a day or two.....he cant afford a plane ticket to fly in and see us and it is a 6hr drive one way......i think it will be a wake up call....I hope!!!<P>------------------<BR>:) I will love my husband "Always & Forever" :)<P>

just bring it up to the top!<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>:) I will love my husband "Always & Forever" :)<P>

HI Amanda,<BR> It truly ASTOUNDS me just how CRAZY they act during this!! I mean to not see your 16 month old??? What's the thinking behind THAT!!?? Just hang in there, BELIEVE me I KNOW it's hard. Just keep depositing. <BR> Go out and do something FOR YOURSELF, that you've ALWAYS wanted to do. It'll take your mind off it a little. I went out and started a Salt Water Tank like I've wanted to do. It's helped!! GOOD LUCK FRANK

Avance-<BR>I don't know the answer to your question, except to say, you either want them back quick (within a couple of weeks) or after quite a while.<P>If they come back quick, then I think it shows that they are sure of what they want. If it takes them a while, then I hope that means they've taken the time work out what they want, and it's really the marriage they are after. Either way, both would mean there was a reduced chance of this occuring in the future. If, on the other hand, they take a month or two, come back and continue to waffle between their various options, this is the worst. It does not allow for any healing to take place, instead it keeps the wound fresh. If they come back (the big "IF"), you want them to come back ready to make a commitment. You want them ready to focus all their energy on the marriage and the family. You don't want a half hearted attempt.<P>My H started the affair when I was 5 mnths pregnant. He confessed a week before our D 10 month birthday and walked out on the day of her 10 month birthday. Between her 10th and 11 & 1/2 months my H did not see her. When he finally did, she treated him like a stranger. That really hurt him. I told him that the family courts in this country recommend that children of that age involved in seperations should have regular (every 2-3 days) contact with the missing parent for a few hours to minimise the chance of them being forgotten. He now makes the effort every 2-3 days. I don't belive it's what I told him that has made him motivated to change. I think it's more the story about his neice. She was born, a result of a one night stand. When her father and mother finally made the move to get married and be a family she was 3 yrs old. To this day, if she is upset, hurt or wants to be comforted she turns to mom. Dad can not offer her any comfort. He wasn't there during those very early years and therefore did not lay the foundation of trust or caring. Her mother and father have been together 4 yrs now and this fact still gets him nearly daily. He just can't make up for it. And it isn't his fault. He didn't know she existed until a year and a bit after she was born. My H has witnessed his brothers pain at this and does not want this for himself. If my H decides that he hasn't really burnt his bridges with me, and he comes back, he does not want his brothers story repeated with him.<P>I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you can get him to have more contact with his kids do so. The cost can be quite high. My H says that the reason he stayed away from our D for that time (and she means the world to him) is that he couldn't look her in the face, knowing that he was breaking up her family, condeming her to a broken home. He felt awful everytime she smiled at him, or gave him a cuddle. Maybe this is why your H sent the family away. Yes, I think it is possible for him to love his kids but, at the same time, not want to deal with the feelings and emotion that get stirred up inside him when he is with them. Those emotions probably confuse him and if they are gone there is no confusion, no reality, he is not forced to deal with them.<P>As you know, Dr H advises that there really isn't any hope while your spouse is still involved with the OP. All you can do is wait and hope that their relationship dies a natural death. If you try to hurry it along, it might back-fire. Dr H also says that most of these relationships finish a lot sooner than you think.<P>Wishing you the best, take care of yourself and your little ones. <P>------------------<BR>

Hey Avance,<P>It takes me a while to get back to the posting boards due to a pretty hectic life. I am still following your post and thinking about the best way to answer your questions. <P>You are at a severe disadvantage because of the great distance that lies between you and your husband. I think that if I were you that I would stay in close contact with H using pictures of your little guys and cute stories of their development to keep him interested in family life. He needs to feel the connection to the family and he needs to feel constantly reminded of his duty as a parent and a father. No Love Busting. You want him to wish that he could be with you and the kids. Make it sound like life is great and would only be greater if he were there to share the time with you. This can all be done through well thought out letters.<P>When your husband goes out to sea, will the OW be going out to sea as well? I am hoping that she won't. You need to get him to think of you and the family as opposed to her when he is working at sea. Once again cute little baby pictures and a nice one of you as well. Loving letters at this time to him telling him how you miss him and the family unit.<P>Please keep me updated on the progress of your relationship. I can only hope that HE decides to do the right thing and chooses to be with his family again.<BR>

Avance,<P>Prepare for a long ride. Hopefully yours won’t be as long as some.<P>6 months to 2 years AFTER discovery. I’m at 1 year since discovery & she’s been gone for 10 months, 2 days. <P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Avance,<P>Wafflestoo is right. A nice picture of you and your kids, loving letters, the works. How 'bout a care package before he goes to sea? Sort of like a time capsule, include things from your past (as reminders, triggers to happy memories) to keep him company on his long journey, something for his future (to pique his interest) to give him something to look forward to, something current (maybe something that he can't get at sea; a creature comfort, favorite food, a tape of favorite songs), something family such as a tape of the kids singing carols, reading bedtime stories or stories of hero's at sea, and something just for him (a brief memo of what you'd like to do with him <I> hint hint </I>, a fantasy you might share with him....not too strong but not to subtle either.<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I><BR>

thanks for all the advice.....i actually am getting new pictures taken of me and the boys soon....is it going to be a nice one....I got them the little outfits with the slacks and ties the hole nine yards and now that I am the new skinny me(went from 160 to 119!) I got a pretty navy blue formal type dress......it is going to be a nice but incomplete family picture......I will be sure to send him one of the group and one of just little ole me!!!!<P>wafflesto-<BR>yes she does go with him.....I have dreamed she fell overboard on several occasions....I know that is not nice but i cant control my sweet dreames........I think leaving with no-one there and coming home with "no-one" there will be a shock for him......I have always been on the peir crying as he leaves and crying as he returns......I will be there only if he asks....<P>he will be gone most of feb and then leaves in august for a 6month west pac He will be out at sea for weeks at a time with out seeing land......He went on one before and it was hard on him to be away from his family with really no contact.....we will see how he handels that one......<P>------------------<BR>:) I will love my husband "Always & Forever" :)<P>

anyone else have any imput on this one!<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>:) I will love my husband "Always & Forever" :)<P>