Toomuchcoffeeman,

I will try & do that at M/C today, The M/C may not like it, but he may be able to explain to her that she is having an affair. But interestign side note to that is that I did ask her, if the roles were reversed what whould she do, & she said that she would just let me go because she would feel like I didn't want to be with her. Now I took this with a grain of salt because she was surly involved in her own A. But I do truly wonder what her true reaction would be. Just a thought, I know that she is going to attack me at M/C today because I did not defend her good enough, nor did I gather all neccessary info. So I have to be prepaired for that today I guess. oh-well....Talk to you all later.

LostPilot

The thing is, there isn't much use in getting into an argument about whether or not it's an affair. And there's not any good to be gained from accusations or judgments or demands. The thing she needs to hear is that the relationship she has with this guy hurts you. Your statements to her need to be about you and how you feel in reaction to the choices she is making.

Accusations or arguments about what to call the thing she is doing only cause her to dig in her heels even more. They are debatable statements. How you feel, is always 100% non-negotiable. And real honesty is always only about you and what you experience first hand.

I don't know that I would go to the place of asking her if it would be ok if you had the same type of relationship with another woman. (Ok, well.... I probably would and certainly have... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> what I mean to say is that it's not helpful to go there....) Whether or not she would think that was ok is not the issue. The issue is that what she is doing hurts you.

It's just like you may not be at all offended if she were to yell at you.... that doesn't make it ok for you to yell at her. See what I mean? In marriage, if it's going to work, you need to be able to take into consideration how your partner feels and to act in a way that shows you honor and respect those feelings.....even if you don't feel that way.. even if you think feeling that way is ridiculous.... (which, of course, you would never say <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

C

ps..... I see that star*fish revealed my "secret" identity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I don't know if I'm local to you or not, but all the work I do is via phone and email, as do the Harleys. Or they do just phone I guess.

If you do pose the question I suggested to you, do so in a quiet, eye-to-eye, calm manner with total silence on your part afterwards. Why? Because if you raise your voice and are agitated when you ask her, she'll just raise her defenses and you will not get the effect you are after. A calm mind and mouth goes a long way in opening minds. Not to mention, your MC will chastise you and be hesistant to let you ask her more questions in future sessions.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 09:08 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thanks C,

I posted some questions for you on the other thread that I had going...I Think that it is over.. I have been trying so hard to be very calm with her, & I have expressed several times to her how her actions are hurting me inside. She is supposed to go out of town with the o/m & I told her that I was not happy about it, that it hurt my feelings & that it very disrespectfull towards me, & our marraige. (that one may have been close to a LBer)But I let her know that I it was very hurtfull to me. She has been to your website & looked around, she always has an interesting comment, & that is this, or something like it, is everything you read about affairs have to do with people who want out of there marraiges, but just havn't left yet. Because none of this relate to us, because I moved out before anything happened & I want to be done. (I am trying to have her read things about recovery & how it is possiable) I just do not know what to do anymore...I am trying so hard...she keeps holding on to past things that I have done wrong & I guess keep doing wrong, there are somethings that she will tell me & I work very hard at those things, but right now it seems like nothing I do is good enough for her it is very frustrating..

LostPilot

LP.... I'm sorry I didn't see those questions over at the other thread. I'll try to look at them later today. I have committments from now til about 2 or 3 this afternoon, but I'll check back as soon as I can.

Somewhere recently, I think at my thread, I posted a list of feeling words. If anyone knows where they are maybe you could repost them here this morning?

When you talk about how you feel it needs to be a word that describes an emotion..... that is never disrespectful. When you get into the "I feel LIKE...." area.... you're treading into gray areas that can slip easily into disrespect.

Our nature is to be demanding and disrespectful to get what we want. It might work in the short term but it never gets us what we really want and need.

Sorry to ramble and run somehow the day went from fairly relaxed to overbooked in a very short time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

C