I'm new to this forum, have read and read and read but would like to share my story. My H had a 6 week affair almost 4 years ago. He came back and asked me to forgive him and that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I really struggled with depression and how he could do it that to me. He was so kind and considerate over the last 4 years trying to make it up to me but, unfortunately, he has now moved out (3 months ago)again and is seeing someone he works with. He is 37 and I turned 40 during this mess!
I love him so much and am in so much pain, there are days I'm not sure I can go on... Last week was our 11th anniversary and because he won't speak to me, i called his parents (where he's living) and left him a nice message telling him I miss him and love him but got no response. Our dissolution will be final one week from tomorrow (June 30th).. He says I destroyed him by seeing how depressed I was over the 1st affair, that he couldn't take it anymore. I think I now know and have put everything in perspective. If he would just work with me! Am I stupid for even thinking about wanting him back? Would I be stupid to tell him that I won't ever mention the last 3 months if he will work things out? He is so much more important to me now and I miss him terribly.
Please help... time is running out!

HBB,

Welcome to the forum, sorry you are here, but happy to have you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hate to say this darling, but there is very little that I think you can do at this point, but let him go for a while. Concentrate on you. Show H by honoring his desire to have no contact that you are not clingy, dependent, etc. All of the stategies that we might be able to offer at this point...you won't be able to do because he is already gone and has established no contact.

I wish I could offer more....I'm so sad that I can't. I think letters and promises and begging and pleading will only push him away farther. Let him come back on his own.....and when he does....show him that you are a different person. Go get some counseling, and I would think you should consider some ADs.

(((((((((((((Hurt)))))))))))

Hurt,

One thing I wanted to say that should be some encouragement...is that most affairs end within a 6 month period...only 3 percent of those end up being permanent. There is every reason in the world to believe that your husband will not find what he's looking for with this woman. When that happens...you may have alot more options....but in the meantime, I hope you will do some things for you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hi..your being depressed is not an excuse for him to leave you and have another A. He could have encouraged you to seek medical/psychiatric treatment for this. Did either of you go to counseling? Did you read the books?

If you haven't already please see a psychiatrist for the depression..they are better at treating depression then your regular doctor. 2-3 months after dday I had a breakdown...thank goodness I was in IC and my H called her and told her what was going on...she got me into see a psychiatrist right away and he put me on Zoloft...between my H's TLC actions, my IC's help and the Zoloft...I was able to recover.

Once I was better all the things my H was doing to make up for the A started making a big difference. He was also in IC, we were in MC, counseled with SH, both read and posted on the In Recovery board and both read all the books...most of all we talked and talked...became best friends.

Do you and your H have children? Sounds like your H filed for divorce...any way you can stall that? Does your H say he still has feelings for you? Would it make a difference to him if you asked him for time to show him you are getting treatment for depression? Also I would try to get him into MC with you..you can try the tact of what would it hurt??? Especially if you have kids...in the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder it says that for the sake of children MC is a good idea even if you end up divorcing. With kids you will always be a part of each others lives.

Best Wishes!

Hello and thanks for your responses. My WH and I had just started MC and it was our 2nd session when he announced he did not want to try anymore. It was 6 weeks after he moved out that I got a copy of his cell phone bill to find out he had given OW my cell phone and had the # changed. He talked to her up to 9 times a day. He had been trying to lay the guilt on me during that time as to why we weren't going to make it. (how sad!) I do have 3 children that he helped raise since the twins were 4 yrs old and my oldest was 9. He has not even tried to contact any of them since he left. They are absolutely heartbroken that this man who wanted them to call him "DAD" has not even bothered to see how they are. Although, he turns that around and says he can't believe they haven't contacted him. The way I see it is that he is "supposed" to be the adult here...imagine that? He also has had problems with drugs and alcohol in the past but had been clean for 4 years but now is back to his old ways. There are days when I know this man is not worth one tear I've shed but I worry about him and know that he is headed for destruction. I truly want to be able to hate him but can't. God will not allow me to have hatred because it really only destroys the person who harbors it. By the way, the OW can't possibly be more than 25 years old.... Should I just count my losses and move on? Will I ever be able to quit loving WH? This emotional roller coaster is just too much!

Thanks so much for being so kind and prayers are appreciated,
Angel

oh, i forgot....he does say he still loves me and only desires me sexually....but these are probably lies like everything else....

Angel

Hurt,

I know this is going to sound like I am blaming the victim here, but please read on for a moment or two.

If he came back tomorrow what would be different?

Would you acknowledge and accept his efforts to "make it up to you?"

Did you in the past, I get the impression nothing he did made much difference?

My point is it sounds like he gave up and moved on. Why because he could make no progress with you. You won't allow it.

So now you want him back? Why? What has changed?

All of these questions are my way of suggesting that you think about your question for a moment. Would you want him back if you couldn't let him "make it up to you before" and may not now?

If you haven't changed radically, what would change in your marriage. His affair is in the way right now, but it will probably end, but I don't see why he would come back if you cannot accept his efforts.

So should you move on? Probably, based on the fact that in the past you wouldn't and didn't appreciate his efforts. His efforts won't be much different this time from last time.

I am not making him the victim, but the reality is you wouldn't let him back into your heart before, and you offer no reason for why you would do it now. So move on with your life.

Given what I know from your post that is my suggestion. I hope you do find happiness.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ June 23, 2003, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Thanks for responding. I will not take any responsibility for his moving on... Our whole married life I have had to deal with his depression and instability and then when I needed him to make up to me for A, he couldn't handle seeing me so depressed? He has never had a job for more than a year (until now). I have always had to be the financial secure one in the relationship but I made a commitment to our relationship and took that very seriously and still do. I do love him more than words can say! However, I feel like I now realize that having him as a part of my life is so much more important than the infidelities... He was my best friend, lover, confidant and soul mate! I know my H still loves me and is suffering to but doesn't want to put me thru any more. I'm sure he feels like he has dug his hole way too deep this time...

Please pray for us,
Angel