thankyou, she is going to get on here and will be writing soon. This is aletter that I am writing to Jim the wayward
Monday, June 23, 2003
Dear Jim, if you are truly searching for the truth, then take the time to read this entire letter.
I spoke to Joel last Thursday and he mentioned that his daughter Jessie was seeing a married man. He was torn and extremely concerned because of what he saw and heard from the both of you. I was shocked to hear that the man was you. I told Joel that I knew both you and Lisa. He asked me what kind of a man you were and I replied obviously lost, I said “what kind of a man enters into an opposite sex friendship while still married? I then followed up with that fact that I had no idea who or what you had become, because the man I knew would never be in this situation. I said that Jim knows that one is married until divorced...he is skilled in the true principles of the gospel but must have fallen into a snare to have been tricked by Satan to ever spend any measurable amount of time with another woman. When I spoke these words the Holy Ghost bore witness to me that you were indeed having an affair with 19 year old Jessie Clark and that this was the direct cause of your separation. Hopefully this is an affair with-out Sex. If so, this is called an emotional affair, it is much more destructive and dangerous than a one night stand. Jim there is not anything that you can say to me that could ever convince me that you were not having an affair with Jessie Clark....and that her attention and your craving for it and her satisfying your craving caused you to chose to leave your wife and make up whatever story you thought you could get away with. I want you to know that I have received a witness from the Holy Ghost and I know this to be true. And just as I have received witness, so will your Priesthood leaders and friends. I also know what I must do. You see, The Holy Ghost bares the truth, confirms truth, it also warns us. I can sit and listen to my children deny something and know that they are not telling the truth. And yet they will at times insist that they are, but how can I deny the Holy Ghost when it is clear? I will not. Sadly when we choose not to listen, we then cannot hear. I am positive that you were warned by the Holy Ghost not to spend so much time with her and that you ignored that warning. The feelings of your love bank being filled by another woman and producing that euphoric feeling of acceptance and love also had a warning attached, but you ignored it. You will need to hope, to repent and have faith before you will be able to hear the difference between the promptings of the Holy Ghost and your own internal prompting. You are already past the point of hearing. This is dangerous.
I met General Authority Bruce Porter 4 or 5 years ago. As I went up to him to shake his hand, he paused and said, “sister, you have something to tell me” and I said “yes I do”... He gave me his card and said call me. We met several weeks later and as I left... he said you will come to me again with something more to give me and I will listen.
I called Brother Porter this morning, he’ll be back in town Thursday. I called to discuss affairs, marriage, lies, deceit, and more particularly emotional affairs, how members and priesthood leaders address the problem and preventative steps members should be taking and why. This includes the critical mistakes of priesthood leadership, friends and family thinking that as long as sex isn’t involved at the time, that no real problem exist. If they only knew... I also spoke of you and Lisa. I’m asking that he meet with you both, if you are willing.
So I do believe Jim, That I am here to help you, that our paths have crossed for reasons and that you could also help many others struggling through the same trap...if you are honest with yourself and repentant. We all make mistakes, some people will not accept that they have made mistakes and will turn wrong onto right and becomes Gods unto themselves and we can not help anyone when this happens and God himself can not help these people, not even you. You must seek Gods will and place back as God in your life. Your desires should be his and I think we all know that his desire is for you to get humble, stay humble and make your marriage work.
It is strange that I know and Love all the people involved in this destructive situation. Jesse is very dear to me and I am angry that you have involved her, she has no right to any emotional connection with you and you know this. And this could have a long lasting impression on her, it is very damaging. I would ask that you ask for her forgiveness in your deceiving her. Please do this in writing by submitting a letter to her father and never have any contact with her again. I love you and Lisa and it rips my heart apart knowing that both of you are in pain. But I have great hope for the both of you and so does your Father in Heaven. All things are possible with Christ. This marriage is ordained, it is a covenant marriage and Christ is your partner in this marriage. The healing of this marriage is a righteous request and desire, and thus it qualifies for the healing power of repentance and forgiveness and the joy found here within your marriage can be all the heart can ever conceive...in fact it can be filled with much more joy than we can comprehend. If you are both willing to repent and ask in faith and do the Fathers Will, putting yours aside..
President Hinckley has given you the commandment from God that all couples contemplating divorce, repent and forgive each other and fall upon their knees in prayer. The exceptions to this commandment are not at your disposal, however you certainly have the option to disobey. Disobedience will bring about misery. It’s your choice.
I have never wanted to believe that we are such carnal gluttons, creatures craving satisfaction...but it is true and the scriptures state this time and time again. You see, we carnal creatures have unfulfilled emotional needs, and we go where ever our appetites desire...we have cravings of appreciation, adoration, conversation, sex, and many more. We will do all to satisfy our appetites and we will get our satisfaction from anyone we can. This is why we are to limit ourselves to access with the opposite sex. The will power starts by not allowing time spent with the opposite sex. Thinking that we are strong and placing ourselves into vulnerable paths is fatal. The only time we have to really use our will power is to avoid these vulnerable paths in the first place. Once we are in close proximity and spending time with the opposite sex, conversing and sharing our thoughts and being satisfied (we’ve been receiving our emotional fix from one other than our spouse (we are being divided, in the act of infidelity), just as a weed smoker just found it’s new favorite choice of the drug cocaine does more for him that weed and it’s more powerful and addicting too), we may be able to curb some of our physical actions for a time under the new influence of our new addiction, however now that our emotional cravings have been satisfied by another , we have become addicted to the other person and the rest is usually history...the affair will either fizzle or escalate, sometimes with-out sex until they affair'ees have divorced and married each other. (this way they claim to be clean and pure) Think of it this way....someone slipped you cocaine and every time they see you, you are given another dose. You have no idea it’s cocaine, things feel euphoric and there’s no pain, everything’s perfect. Or so it seems. And she’s just your friend?
By the way, every affair’ee looking back on a life now in shambles can remember saying those very words, “we’re just friends”.
Expect a repeat of this same episode in the new marriage 7 or so years later down the road, now with children involved.
You have a wife and you are commanded to love her and none else, you should both be in your marriage for the long haul, eternity, good and bad and she has told me that she didn’t hear your pleas, your cravings, and that she feels at fault and wonders if she pushed away. She’s reading some literature that I gave her and says her eyes are open and that she sees what went wrong and why your turned to someone else...that your schedules are too busy and this also contributed.
I did tape record without her knowledge, Lisa’s tormented pleas for a miracle and her prayers that somehow you could be saved and reunited with all your eternal covenants in place. I did have Joel listen to these tapes. I also called Lisa at Joel’s request. And I want you to know that I will do what I know is right, and that my loyalties are with God only. I am not easily deceived. I have heard this many times before and you are no exception to the rules, commandments, or to the prophets advice. An affair that is done in the open under the guise of innocence requires that I and everyone else involved (involved means; have heard you and or Jessie first or second hand state that you are just friends, try to convince others that you are just friends and have knowledge that you spend leisure time together, I heard about you first and second hand) contact your Bishop, your father, mother and friends. We all have a responsibility to do what we know is right. To make sure that you do not slip through the cracks as you spiral down to hell, we create a safety net stretched over those cracks, so that you just don’t happen to slip through. I think you are worth me grabbing on to your hand and calling for support and strength from those that love you before it’s too late. If you’d like to talk you can reach me at 801 745 0349 and I’ll give you the number to a same sex counselor. Once I’ve contacted the people involved and the ones you’ve lied to, so that they can help you Jim, So that they may not assist you in destroying yourself, and once I have given them the information they need, the rest will be up to you. May you speedily find strength in repentance, in Christ and I hope you find your way.
Reading for your thoughts******************If you choose .....perhaps relating to You and Lisa .
*A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. This is disastrous and will assist in more affairs than any other lifestyle. Doing what one likes to do the most, (in your case music) with someone of the opposite sex, could rip apart a marriage in as little as a matter of hours. You will not see it coming. This creates high levels of addictions to each other.
The solution to this problem is to...
Make each-other favorite leisure-time companions. This goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof. Lisa says she went wrong in this area and takes responsibility...I agree she made a mistake and so did you. These are innocent mistakes, but you’ve learned and can move on to reconciliation...this is now a snare...you can now avoid.
Lisa acknowledges that you had needs that she somehow missed and wants to discuss all the root causes of the affair, and work with you to offer a solid plan for marital recovery. This can not be one-sided. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.
An effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.
So whenever spouses separate, I usually encourage a plan that moves them toward eventual reconciliation. And you may want to know more about full marital recovery after you have ended your separation.
The four rules to recovery that I recommend after an emotional affair are marital rules that every couple should be following. So they should form the basis for any plan for recovery after a separation. Since the four rules cover every conceivable problem that married couples face, they would address the issue that led to your separation. If you were to follow these four rules as part of your plan for recovery, I guarantee you that you will not only eliminate the problems that led you to separate, but you will also resolve many other conflicts that have prevented you from having a successful marriage.
I encourage you and your wife to make a commitment to follow the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage: Care, Protection, Honesty and Time, and once the commitment is made, end your separation and begin a marriage that will last an eternity.
Jim, when Gary left me and I hung on to hope, he hated me. Gary married his secretary two days after the divorces were final...I moved on knowing that I never gave up hope, knowing that I had tried everything... he was married to someone else and I had no claim. Four months after he married the new love of his life, he wanted to come back home... He said that he had been deceived, tricked... that he wanted me back...I told him and it was painful, with no malice, that he was married. That I was not an adulterous. That I would never take him back and to get a marriage councilor, I told him not to call me, not to tell me his problems, not to break confidence with his new wife, and to love his wife only, that love is a choice and a verb.
Three years later, just before I was to marry a faithful man. My new husband Mike, called up Gary and asked why the divorce had occurred and Gary told Mike that if he had worked half as hard with me as he now has to work with his current wife, that he could have lived in happiness for all time and throughout all eternity. He realized what happened and didn’t read the literature or try to find out why he was doing what he was doing.
As a divorced woman, I made it known to every single man that he was not qualified to date me, if he had left his wife because it just didn’t work or they simply fell out of love, the excuses were many and the majority were short of the requirement in considering them eligible for dating. Yours would be short of that requirement. How long have you fasted and prayed for Christ to enter your marriage? How many years of marriage counseling? When do you give up on an eternal partner? Oh there is so much more Jim. But if you wanted the answers you’d be looking and you would have found them. You have only been looking out for your own selfish needs, appetites and desires. A hungry bottomless monster has been awakened. With Obedience and Christ you can be healed. If you simply would do all the things that you already know are correct, you’d be fine and on your way to recovery.
Even as an overweight woman and mother of 6... I knew that I was virtuous and I had many suitors, I was proposed to many times and finally chose a man worthy, a man that did not leave his wife...but one that fought tooth and nail... he fought like a lion and I as a tiger to save our marriages. We are not hirelings.
Go to
www.marriagebuilders.com Your case is “text book”. You are not the exception. You’ll hear through others the very same phases and actions.
Redefine yourself today, grab hold of the iron rod and pray to know of your standing with God. Commit yourself to do The Fathers Will first, think nothing of yourself. Our prayers are with you and we hope to be able to someday rejoice with concourses of angels for your triumphant return.
My heart is broke, my tears flood as streams. Oh Jim...forgive yourself too...learn forgiveness...it is the most powerful blessing that God has given us. I know that you are valiant, the season is so short ...we are here but for a moment. We love you. Jesus Christ is the hope and the light of this world, he needs you back...”He needs you whole”, here on earth... to help Him in regain His children. And all this will be as a dream...it will pass and fade away and be erased. Focus on the Goal...Gods Will...your obedience.
Your sister from on high,
Ayla
Jim, I do not have much time, I have given this situation more than any other. That’s how important your marriage is.
Remember that my ex-husband had been in the bishopric, high council, and was the Stake Mission President, had just baptized my daughter two weeks and bore his testimony that I was the love of his life and how grateful he was for me when he started listening to his secretary at work, how they confided in each other, he was just trying tohelp her in her unhappy marriage, however his was fine and used us as examples of happiness, then history changed, She loved her husband enough to exercise and I remember Gary coming home and telling me that Shauna loved her husband enough to exercise. I had a small baby and was suffering from a bleeding disorder. I recall picking up the phone to hear Gary hiding in the garage and calling his co-worker. She said I’d never treat you like that and I’d always place you first. Being trusting Gary’s answer satisfied me and within two weeks of their conversations, they had kissed, both left their spouses, claimed horrific and miserable marriages from their faithful spouses. For 6 months they did not have sex, then they did. But hey they were just friends, I was crazy...no one listened and two families were destroyed. She became the love of his life. Our children come home in tears because they still to this day argue, she slaps him, he leaves the house when angry and has threaten multiple suicides. Does this sound like joy? I’ve been able to help many people on both sides. Infidelity is rampant. The secret phone calls...go back and look at your cel phone records and recreate your history. This is what I have couples trying to reconcile do, so that they do not do the same thing over again. 100% of the time, while the couple was co-existing in the same house and before separation... the wayward spouse was making secret calls or emails to his affair’ee. And so did you...
