I have been with my H for 5 years. we are fairly young and unexperienced in marriage life. my H and I have been in a rockie marriage from the beginning. He found out he was molested as a young child and due to this he suffers from emotional and psychological distress. Due to so many emotional instabilities he had to leave the house. We found out about a year ago that he has a sexual problem. He views everything as being sexual. He became involved in a type of 12 step program for his sexual problem and he seemed to be doing great. We got into a heated argument about a couple of weeks ago. I had had enough of so much confusion and dismay. We said things that hurt one another and everything became blurred. I just found out that as he was returning gifts he had purchased for me a week before the fight, he began a conversation with a girl who happenend to also be married. As flirtation escalated he asked for her phone number. He later told me that his sexual deviance is growing and he let me know it was due to his trauma in childhood. Before the only thing I had to worry about was him gaucking and flirting in very subtle ways with women but now as he says this problem is growing. I do not know where to go from here. I am still hurt at the fact that he plain out said that he wanted to speak and carry on something with another woman and his problem is growing. What do I go from here? Does this problem get any better or should I be the crying wife for the rest of my marriage? I am confused because I have never been in such a predictament. I can't compete with an addiction and I can't seem to know where or what to believe at this point. Any advice?

praying woman,
I can't pretend that I know exactly what you're going through, but I can definitely sympathize with you. I had a similar problem a few years ago, but in reverse (lack of interest), and that was driving ME to other men.
I believe that the fact that he's openly telling you that he's about to do something could be a sign that he's crying out for help!? You mentioned he's been seeking help for his childhood traumas, but have you talked about going to counseling together? Would he be open to that?
To break an addiction, that person must really want to end it -- not just say it, but mean it! If he's having fun with it that's a whole different story.

Dear Praying Woman,

I have 27 years invested in my marriage, that's why I'm still here after my H tried to leave me with a final "exit" affair in January of this year. I don't know what I would do in your shoes. My H also had a traumatic childhood, however it did not include sexual abuse or abuse of any kind. It involved neglect and a narcissistic mother. He has issues with abandonment. He acted out in our marriage by having short-lived affairs with 9 women over the past 15 years. Most were one night stands and others were more involved, but only one lasted as long as 6-8 weeks. The longest one before that was about 2 1/2 weeks long. He is addicted to the feelings of falling in love. He used it to medicate his pain from his neglect as a child.

If your marriage has a chance, that chance is with your H in intense individual counseling. I would recommend that you find someone who deals with addictions and also one that uses transformational therapy instead of the usual behavioral therapy. That would include things like Gestalt therapy, Imago therapy, inner child work, childhood wounds work, etc. He needs to fix this from the inside out. If he sees himself as a victim instead of as a survivor, this might very well affect him for the rest of his life. He can't use it as an excuse to act out sexually or in any other self-abusing way or any way that is damaging to you or the marriage. You can't let him take you down with him if that's where he's headed. He needs help.

If you can't handle this, I certainly wouldn't think badly of you. Taking on this type of problem in a marriage is huge. However, he has to take it on sometime in his life or he's going to die a very sad man. You might be capable of loving him enough to help him through it so he isn't haunted by these wounds for the rest of his life. If you think that there is hope for his recovery, stick with him if you are able.

I would also recommend the same type of therapy for yourself. It might be very healing for you. I'm so sorry that you have discovered this about your H. It's so shocking and disheartening to find that the one you love is such a tormented soul.

Stillwed

praying,

Welcome to the forum, sorry you are here...but happy to have you.

This is a very sad thing you have posted....and what I have to say to you is even sadder. As a victim of childhood abuse, and knowing many other victims....sometimes it NEVER heals and never gets better for some people. It can permanently change the way they see sex forever....and that's a very long time to wait for someone to get better. I am going to suggest something that I rarely do....and that is....I think you should go to an immediate Plan B. I don't think begging, pleading or anything outside of prayer is going to help this situation. I think your H is going to have to face the REAL possibility that if he isn't serious about treatment and isn't getting better....that you will not wait for him. You are far far to young to spend the next 10 or 20 years of your life to find out the same thing I am telling you right now. This will not get better....until he makes the decision to change....and he may never be healthy enough to do that. I will add my prayers to yours. I am sending you hugs

((((((((((((Praying woman))))))))))))))

<small>[ June 23, 2003, 03:00 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

I really appreciate and am greatful for the responses I have received. I would have thought there would be other types of inner child therapy. I called my husband up and told him about the responses. He read them and he had not much to say. He said he would ask his psychologist about it. The thing is that he has been with this psychologist through the university he attends, for three years but not much of any type progress has been made. The therapist didn't even realize he needed to see a psychiatrist until I told him I was becoming afraid of my husbands mood swings and constant outburst of anger and confusion. He would be fine one minute then he would act like a child then he would act like a child with a trantrum. This therepaist has hardly done anything for him. I have been the one who looked for help for his sexual problems. I looked for information and found out that my husband not only has a sexual problem but also is unstable and he needs medication as he moves about in his threpay becuase he can't handle much of anything. I had to be the one to tell him he is emotionally disconnected and he needed to find out if it was chemical or psychological. All in all I have invested my marriage in trying to get help for my husband but yet he treats me as if I am his enemy and he says he doesn't trust me or can not commit to a relationship with me because he has never been able to feel safe enough to want to commit to anyone. I do not know what to feel half the time. I feel like I am loosing my mind when I speak with him. It is like speaking into a wall. I do appreciate all of your comments and am glad that I could find a place to vent and a place where I feel heard. thanx

Prayer is a powerful thing - I've spent a lot of time there myself lately. I had a slightly similar experience with my ex-husband. Right away you know how that turned out! He had a history of depression in his family and I worked at a mental health agency, so I knew when all of the signs were there. He suddenly told me one day that he had given up on our marriage, and on me, eighteen months before. He dropped out of college and continued living day-by-day at a job he hated. He wouldn't accept that he had a problem, and I couldn't do it myself. Best of luck to you. My only advice is: Don't lose yourself in the process!

Well, "addiction" advice would be to let go and make it clear to him that this is his problem to "heal". Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's painful. Yes, it's sad and angering that anyone should have to deal with abuse. But, none of this justifies "using", whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. If he hasn't made progress with the therapist, it may be that he isn't going to "let him in" or the therapist lacks enough experience in sexual abuse counselling. Regardless, it's your husband's responsibility to stop being the victim and either take a risk to open up to his therapist, or find someone who specializes in sexual abuse counselling. Depending on the sex of his abuser, that may be impacting on the relationship with his counselor. I know many female abuse survivors who will not work with male therapists, as it's too threatening when they feel so vulnerable. It could be that as your husband is getting closer to painful issues (a possible break through), that his urge to "use" will increase. This needs to be discussed with his counselor and/or support group and a "relapse" plan developed, (if he's concerned, not just looking for an excuse). Whether or not you hang in there?? Wow, that's the $64,000.00 question! Sometimes no matter how much support you offer, the "addict" will continue to "use". It's kind of like the alcoholic who blames his/her spouse for their drinking problem, e.g. "Well, if you weren't such a b***h, I wouldn't need to drink so much". Just a few of my thoughts. Please try and take care of yourself through all of this. You deserve nurturing and support.

Thanx for the advice. I am afraid my husband will not be able to run for long until he suffers a nervous breakdown. A couple of weeks ago I graduated from my university and what was to be a joyous occassion ended up being a crazy time. My husband seeked another woman. He started to threatened me to take our son away from me. He would come around making sure I wasn't alone with my son because he believed I was a danger to our son. He started to act very peculiar. His eyes were wild. On the weekend of the festivities he started to flip out and we didn't know what to do. He would let these outcries that were so loud that they sounded like cries of a wild animal. He would laugh and cry and would grab his head in desperation and it looked like he was loosing his mind. I took him to our friends home and they helped me take care of him and calm him down. I was frazzled myself. I was confused. A prayer group from my friend's church came over and prayed for him. The next day at 7 in the morning I had to be present at the university for my graduation and all I was able to think about was that my husband was coming to the ceremony and he was going to fall apart all over again. mild episodes did occur twice that day. That whole week before graduation, had been hell for everyone of us. I didn't realize that my husband was on the verge of loosing his mind. He is calmer now but I am afraid this might happen again. I have looked for help but all anyone says is that he needs other meds. Well he is trying something new but what happens now? He is afraid of doing something deviant, sexually, becuase he says he has no control over nothing and since sex or anything sexual has been his only outlet in the past I am afraid of what can occur. I pray and having God in my life and the reassurance that He protects us has made me pull through the hard times. I am glad my husband also gains faith through God but I still am afraid every single minute of the day about him doing something that will be very hurtful to him and to our family. Can somebody relate, understand or give me some advice? I have never been involved in a situation like such. Are there any other signs to be aware of?