Hello All,

I have learned so much in a short time on MB ! On 5/3/03, my wife was forced by OMW to divulge that she had an mostly emotional A with an oldboyfriend flame which lasted from mid may of 02 to mid sept of 02. During the A, they met two times for lunch and had unfullfilling sex both times. Since D-Day, both my wife and I are have worked very hard to restore our 19 year marriage by using Harley as the core. Although the A ended last September and the OMW found out in November, I was the last to find out recently and have had to mirror the affair from last year almost on a day by day basis based on cell phone records and such. My question is that one of the actual physical affair anniversary dates is coming up in early July. I am trying to deal with it by taking her to lunch to a fancy restaurant and hotel room as he did that day. I am wondering how other members deal with with worst image days of thier spouses affairs? Is it best to try and create new marriage memories to supplant the bad images or better to take the day as a reflection day? Any advice would be appreciated.

I am confused. You want to celebrate the annivarsary of the day your wife had lunch with the OM and then went to a hotel to have sex with him and betraying your marriage. You wish to celebrate this day by doing the same thing by going out to lunch and taking her to a hotel and having sex with her? What is wrong with this picture?

I guess on the surface it seems odd to want to replicate what he did but some part of me wants to reclaim that day as ours and not his. The real question is how do you handle the darker days when the images are too much to take?

I guess what I am saying it that it would seem to me that all it would do is to bring directly the images of the OM to your wife. You are duplicating exactly what he did so how can she forget it. I know what you are trying to do but for me it would be personally painful and would flood images to my mind of her with the OM.
Why not do something special and unique only to you and your wife. Why not bring flowers and take a lunch and bring her to a park and spend an afternoon holding hands and kissing and sharing wine and cheese. In other words, do something that only you and your wife will share and not try to duplicate an event that breeds humiliation and pain for the both of you.

I agree with BryanP that replicating the sex on those dates is just cementing her PA in her mind. A better alternative is for you to plan on mini-vacations on those days so that you and her can have new and better memories of those dates.

Thanks to both B&T for advice. I was thinking that it was odd that I felt compelled to re-live what she did and your feedback has confirmed it. I will try and take the high road on both of these very painful days.

D10 -

D-day or trigger anniversary dates mean something only if you let them. It's just another day - May 12=July 20=September 16. If you're moving forward and making progress in restoring your marriage, forget about dates. Letting trigger dates affect you will thwart any positive movement in your reconciliation efforts. Why dredge up the past if the future is hopeful?

Just my opinion. Be well.

<small>[ June 23, 2003, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>

I agree with the other posters. Who cares about D-day? I think YOU need t o make it just another day. I would pick another time, and another place and create or re-create some memories of my own. I like the mini-vacation, but I don't think I would even do it over the d-day date. Just plan a nice long week-end somewhere, no kids, a nice move, a stroll along the beach, talking about you and your spouses plans for the future, romantic talk, a message, quite music, candles. the list can go on and on.

Have fun with it and enjoy it.

I know it will be very hard for me to handle. I can't even think about that day without wanting to throw up. I think I'd make it a really fun day. Keep it as light as possible. Obviously, you're both going to be thinking about it. I think doing something goofy and silly is the way to go. Get in touch with your inner children. Try to recapture the beauty of what you used to have before the ugliness set in. And then pledge to let the past go.
At least, that's my best case scenario.

Honestly I can tell you dates for so many discoveries it isnt even funny. But Im chosing to let them go. YEs I get a little down when they are nearing but they dont deserve to have any power over me and what I hope to accomplish in my life. I refuse to let something so painful rule my life. I cant or I wont ever take any steps forawrd.

I can totally relate to your pain. I unfortunately know WAY too much. I was too good of a detective and know that my husband, the BS called the OW as we went to dinner on my birthday, when we were having our big Bar-b-que on Memorial Day, as he ZIPPED up my dress to go to dinner on our anniversary, etc..!

It can be VERY difficult to get by these dates without "reliving" them and the trauma they now induce. I would suggest not doing the same activities that your wife did, but build new and special memories. I am just going through the first anniversary for each one of our "anniversaries". My husband is doing his best to be give me "new" memories, but my despair over what has happened and what we have lost continues.

ITA with making new memories. If you can't go on a vacation maybe a movie or dancing? If you live near the beach that is great too.

I am sooooo glad I did not find out the exact dates of CLH's affair. I really wanted to know that at first but am glad hubby can't remember things like this. I think that would make it very hard for me because I remember everything. It will be hard on the 1 yr anniversary of him telling me but by that time our baby will be 4 months along and what better way to move through the past than looking at the face of the future.

I hope things work out for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />