I've done some bad things that goes against the whole 'no contact' rule that I feel I have to own up to. As some of you know, I am just beginning my holidays and find myself thinking alot about the OM because I don't have work to distract me. Plus there was always a chance at work that I would see or maybe talk to my OM. I have to admit that the posibility of this happening made me feel content. Knowing that he still existed. Being on holidays, I don't have any of that and I feel lost at times. My H has been really great and I have not let him in on all of my thoughts because it would hurt him. As far as he knows - it is all over - 'nuf said. That is nowhere near the truth because I still have very strong loving feelings towards this OM.<P>Well that is not what I really have to 'confess' up to. I had a luncheon at work on Friday and this means that I got a chance to listen to my voicemail messages. OM left one for me and my heart sank. I saved it in case I wanted to listen to it again (which I have). This is totally against everything I know but there is more. After this luncheon, quite a few of the employees got together for a few drinks at a local bar. The 'few employees' turned into 50 and the 'few drinks' turned into quite a few. Since my OM used to work where I do, his name came up in conversation sometimes. My H got mad at me for this so I had to try and be uninterrested in what they were talking about. Once the 'get-together' ended up at a co-workers house, things seemed to be going fine with my H and I. We didn't really spend time together and I feel bad for that. Around midnight I got the notion in my head that I was going to call the OM at work to leave a message on his machine. I went to the car to get my cell and do this and my H walked up behind me. He was very mad and demanded to know what I was doing. He said that I was being very secretive and accused me of phoning OM. This is what I did (he did not answer) but didn't tell my H the truth.<P>I don't feel too good about myself today. All last night I was imagining me there at that party with the OM. I was wondering to myself what it would be like etc. Today I am sad for what I have done. Sad about what happened yesterday and guilty for what I felt. I haven't told anyone about this so I felt like I had to get it out. This is why I came to post on the board. I know that I will get a lot of slack for this but I do fall sometimes. I just have to pick myself up again. I will try and get my sadness to go away today.<P>Thanks to whoever listened...<BR>Brynn <P>

I'm listening, brynn. You had a slip-up. A nasty one, but the good thing is that you don't feel good about it. That says an awful lot about the kind of person you are. And that's a really good thing.<P>So, now you know how really hard it's going to be. And you realize that you don't want to feel like this anymore. And the only way to get PAST it, it to be really good about "no contact" until the feelings fade. Then you'll feel much better all the way around.<P>If you haven't already done so, delete the message in your voice mail WITHOUT listening to it again. And spend energy on your marriage again to try to take your mind off things.<P>You can do this. I know you can. Just hang in there and take it minute by minute. I'm pulling for you!!<P>Lori

I'll give you the BIGGEST deterant to my EVER calling the OM again!! It's called HIS WIFE! Is your OM married?<P>I work with the OM and it has been hell on earth for me... we have had some "slip ups" on the no contact rule, but I have had to be the strong one... until now. His W has been pretty vocal lately and even though I haven't been contacting him AT ALL and sending back non-work emails, etc. she has given HIM reasons to leave me alone. She's been contacting me whenever she's mad at him. In the past, I didn't tell him she contacted me, didn't want him to yell at her re: me. Now, she tells him she's gonna call me and HE BACKS OFF. <P>Oh what a tangled web... and what a MESS...<P>You might find yourself in the middle of something you CAN'T control if your H or his W get involved... <P>Think about that... <P>~Sheryl

Brynn,<P>Thanks for getting honest with us.<P>Are you and H in counceling?<P>If not I would strongly suggest it.<P>Try Steve Harley's counceling, it can be found on this web-site.<P>If your husband is working hard according to Dr. H. your love for OM will fade and love for H will return.<P>However,<B>NO MORE CONTACT</B> that is if you want to get over OM.<P>You might want to check out the following:<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A><P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Keep getting honest, and try not to dwell on your "slip up".<P>Bill<P>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Lori, Sheryl, and Bill,<P>I really didn't expect any replies to this post...I was just hoping that someone would be out there to listen - so thank you. I have one true friend in the world and we have been distant lately. She is going thru a lot of stuff within her marriage as well (I have recomended that she posts here) so she is not always available to lend an ear which is very understandable. She does not agree with how I feel (loving the OM) because she remembers how hurt my H was after I told him about the affair. She will always support me in whatever I do but has become more vocal in what she thinks is wrong or right. I guess that is what a bestfriend is supposed to do, but it is hard when I don't always agree with her.<P>Anyhoo...<P>I have been on the go all weekend so the chance to stop and think about things has been very limited (good ? bad ?). When I do think about my situation, I mostly think about how much love I felt from the OM. He made me feel so cared for and loved - more than I have felt in a very long time. With no contact - my heart feels very empty because he is not there to say or do the things that made me feel loved by him. I know that my H loves me with all his heart and I feel guilty for cherishing OM's love more than his right now. The past couple of days have been very busy with Christmas functions so I am a little scared of what next week will bring (with me still being on holidays). Lori - I know that I should, but I don't think I can delete that voicemail message yet. I may not listen to it but I feel a bit better knowing that I can hear his voice if I need to. I will most likely feel stronger in the morning to do it (has been a very long day) so I will let you know.<P>Thank you all for listening. Having so much support even from people I don't know brings comfort to me because I know that I am not alone. Sheryl, thanks for your words of 'warning' but I don't have to worry about that at all. And Bill - the counceling still needs to happen. We both know this but it just needs to get 'started'.<P>Gotta go cuz I'm gonna fall asleep.<BR>Take Care,<BR>Brynn<BR>

Brynn - how're you doing today, Honey?<P>I have to step on my soapbox just a minute here, so bear with me ok? I know you FEEL like you need that safety net of hearing his voice. But you don't. So please try to make yourself FEEL that you don't. And if you're not strong enough to do that right now, then remove temptation. Makes sense, right???? Soon you WON'T need it.<P>And some of our other friends who have passed through here can let you in on a little well-known (but hard to believe in your position) secret. You will NEVER feel the love you DESERVE to feel for or from your H until you have passed through this. <P>It's true. Because you can't truly give to him, and he can't truly give to you (you wouldn't recognize all of it anyway) while you're still withdrawing. <P>I wouldn't lie to you. <P>Hang in there, ok? And if you need to talk it out, c'mon back!! We're your friends, too. That's why we're honest with you.<P>Lori<P>

Lori - you make so much sense. I feel a lot stronger today (just deleted that message off of my voicemail). I do have to admit that I didn't delete it because I feel like I don't need that 'safety net'. I deleted it because he sounded so sad when he spoke that it made my heart ache (I listened to it once more). A part of me still will phone my voicemail to see if he leaves another one (this is how I feel at this moment - it changes often so tomorrow may be different). Lori, I get strength thru posting here and I would not have deleted that message if I didn't read your last post.<P>I wrote out what you said about how I will NEVER feel the love I deserve to feel FOR or FROM my H untill I pass thru this withdrawl. I have been beating myself up for not truly loving my H the way that I should but couldn't understand why. Now I do. When my heart is still full with the OM - there is no room for the love from my H. I understand this now.<P>You guys are my friends and I truly feel that. Your words mean a lot to me and make me see things that I may not have unless I posted here. I can't say enough good things about this site. Thanks for being there for me. Maybe one day I will be the one that replies to others with encouragement and words of wisdom like you.<P>Take Care,<BR>Brynn