Ok Gang here we go. First a little history. This is my second go round with trying to be a good husband so be patient with me ok. First I was married for almost nine years with three children. Wife at the time had an affair. I tried to work it out with her but from letters found after the fact her only intrest was to leave. So then I am a single father with three children and an ex. Met a wonderful woman who I fell deeply in love with and made me feel I could trust again. So now I am a Father of three with a new wife and and ex. Within a year of being married I was a father of 4. We have had a wonderful relationship for the past 6+ years. A friend of hers was getting married in another state and her friend's new bride wanted her to be in the wedding. We did not have the ability for both of us to go. So she went and her mother who also knew her friend for many years went. So it would be a mother daughter event. As it turns out my wife was able to have a fling at the afterparty with the new brides ex husband. This fling continued with emotional dependance via email. Mind you this all happened just last weekend. Everyone who was involved is all broken up about what it has done to their family. The bride was upset with the ex the new husband (friend) was apparently ok with it saying she is a big girl she can make her decisions. It was just a real mess on their end. Why I don't know. While back at home I just don't get it. I do not understand a friend who would let you drink so much then just leave you to the intoxicated decision making. I do not understand how a man can do this to a woman then via email basically say it was a one night stand enjoyed it...and cause such a mess in our home. The real issues were not there they are here. We are a connected family they are not. Why did they get so upset when I found out I just wanted to hold and reassure my wife that we would work this out.

Sorry for the rambling just to get it out and maybe get some feedback.

Husband,

THis post doesn't make a lot of sense. Who is broken up about your W having a one night stand (ONS)? Why do you care if they are?

What are YOU thinking? What does your W have to say for herself? Where are things with you? Why would we care what other losers think of your W's ONS.

By the way, don't let her blame this on drinking, she is a big girl and a married one at that. She is to blame for her decisions, not the OM. She is the one that violated your marriage.

Does her mother know about this? If so what does mother say? Is she ready to see your marriage go up in smoke?

Fill us in on the details and I am sure many will offer suggestions.

God Bless,

JL

husband,

My H had a one night drunken fling in a Thai brothel....it destroyed the trust in our marriage for a very long time. It's taken us two years almost to get to recovery....but are really happy again. Welcome to the forum...this is a good place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

What's with this other family? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Gosh....from their reaction, you'd think it was the groom! Bride probably still has feelings for ex. Groom probably was disrespectful to bride. Rest of the family took sides and verbally duked it out....who knows!

JL....do me a little favor and check up on "momma's sad" and tell me what you think?

H: click on the link in my signature line.

It is not that I care how the people up there feel about this I just do not understand it. Wife has not blamed anyone but herself. We are both willing to work this out as she has professed it was a mistake and poor judgement on her part. Just gonna take some time to heal. I have just got to get to a point where I can keep my mind on work and quit with the mental images that flood the mind in a time like this.

H

Husband:

So your wife said it was a mistake and poor judgment to go to a wedding and have unprotected sex with the brides ex-husband and continue to have contact with him via email.

How do you think your wife would react if you went to a friend's wedding and met up with some woman and had unprotected sex with her and immediately continued contact with her via emai?
How do you think your wife would feel if you said
Sorry honey it was a mistake and certainly poor judgment on my part.

What your wife did was a lot more than a mere mistake and poor judgment. She engaged in sex with another man, put your health at risk and betrayed your marriage and your committment to each other. This is a hell of a lot more serious than poor judgment on her part. She made a deliberate choice to betray, disrespect and humiliate you in front of family and friends.
I would suggest major counseling to deal with her issues. There is something going on in her and her relationship to you that needs to be explored and dealt with. She knew what she was doing and deliberately made a choice to do it and I think you need to understand this. I wish you luck.

In no way am I trying to make what happened out to be a small thing. She is truely sorry for what happened sorry she hurt me and sorry she has put our relationship in danger. But the fact remains when I said I do for better or worse I meant it. No the trust is not where it was it will take along time to rebuild the relationship I know this. But if both parties are willing it is possible.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by husband:
<strong>.... Just gonna take some time to heal....

H</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No husband, you are wrong. This worries me and makes me frustrated. Time won't heal. Sorry, but that is a fact. Something needs to be fixed. What, if your car has a flat, does it heal over time if you just forget about it? No. Same with your marriage. You need to get to work. You and your W need help. Get Dr. Harley's books and read the material he's provided on these pages. Warning: Do not simply rely on posting to this forum. You need more help than that. Contact the MB coaches using the counseling center button on these pages or a frequent poster on these forums that is also a MB mentor, Cerri at
saveyourmarriagecentral.com
Don't think that your marriage will recover without work. Look at your children. They will benefit the most from you and your W getting to work on your relationship immediately and falling in love again. They don't need another divorce if it can be helped. Good luck, I know it won't be easy but the rewards are tremendous! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

HoFS

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: HofFenceSitter ]</small>

I know you mean well but you take one phrase out of context and do not realize the rest of the post where I talk about rebuilding which is work. Time will heal some of the hurt but much work also goes into the rebuilding of the relationship. I was not saying if I stick my head in the sand it will go away....I know better than that.

husband,

No one means offense. I remember reading your post for the first time and thinking....whoa...that was easy! Way too easy. But perhaps what you feel, what you think and what you know....are different from what you expressed. I believe, if you will read the post again...you will see why you got some of the responses you did. You don't have to bleed LOL to get help....I'm glad you are so healthy about forgiveness...but rememeber there is a REASON for infidelity. And you need to understand what it was so that you can prevent it in the future. I don't know why your wife did what she did....but it IS more than she is saying...because it extended past the drunken incident. What do you think was her reason? What do you think motivated her to do this? I have been here long enough, and read enough infidelity stories to KNOW beyond any doubt, that it is more than just bad judgement. I'm not telling you that you shouldn't work as hard as possible on your marriage, and that you shouldn't be forgiving, or that she isn't remorseful enough....but if you accept this explanation...you are putting your head in the sand a bit.....and you are missing the opportunity to address why and how this really happened. If is related to alcohol....well you should address her alcohol use (although that doesn't explain continuing it afterwards). If it is selfishness....she needs to tell you how she plans to protect you in the future and protect you from her selfishness. If she is feeling like your marriage, or your sexual relationship is not exciting anymore...don't you want to know? These things don't just happen...."ooops! Sorry honey, I had a horrible lapse in judgement." You take your vows extremely seriously....don't you expect the same thing from her???

Husband,

As you can see people here want to help, but it is clear they are all shooting in the dark. What is missing from your posts is the dynamics of the situation.

What does her mother think or know?

What are you two doing to address this event?

What is your W doing besides saying " I'm sorry." ?

What are you doing?

Do you see any problems in the past that suggests that this event might have happened?

Does she drink too much normally?

Does she use her drinking as an excuse for things, including this event? (By the way, drinking lowers inhibitions, but it doesn't make people go to bed together.)

Where are you in this situation emotionally?

So I guess if you want our help, or to discuss this, we need to know more about the dynamics or your marriage now, and before.

HOFS, made a very cogent comment. Giving it time is not the answer. Working on it and giving time for the effort to work is good. Having patience as things are worked through is good.

So I guess my main question is what have you and your W agreed to do to address this issue beside simply staying married.

Husband, if you read here for a while you will notice a trend. Affairs later in marriage occasioned by an affair earlier in the marriage that wasn't addressed. It can either the previous WS or BS, but not addressing the affair and associated issues just doesn't seem to work.

I think you know this, but please really reflect on what I have asked you.

God Bless,

JL

She doesn't understand herself what happened. She is using the material on this site also to try to work this out.

Husband,

I believe you that she is confused about her motivation, and I'm glad that she is coming her to examine that. Until she does, I don't think she can can work through this honestly with you...and that is of primary importance. Without it....this will just come back later. Be honest with her about your feelings....it seems to me, that you have shown great concern for hers, while not addressing your own. Real remorse comes from honest understanding of how we have hurt others and how we can prevent ourselves from causing more pain. Again, I am impressed with your capacity for forgiveness....I hope she knows what a peach you are.

1) have you seen the content of these continued e-mails?

2) why does she feel a need to continue contact?

3) I suggest you and she together compose a final e-mail that tells OM that he may never contact her again, that she is a married woman who loves her husband and is committed to her marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong>Husband,

What does her mother think or know?

What are you two doing to address this event?

What is your W doing besides saying " I'm sorry." ?

What are you doing?

Do you see any problems in the past that suggests that this event might have happened?

Does she drink too much normally?

Does she use her drinking as an excuse for things, including this event? (By the way, drinking lowers inhibitions, but it doesn't make people go to bed together.)

Where are you in this situation emotionally?

JL</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. her mother does not know and is not going to be brought into this

2. to address this we have been talking alot. I have been on the receiveing end of this situation before with first wife. This is very different in that we are being honest with one another about how we feel and where we want to go from here. First wife just wanted to run away from responsibility.

3. My wife is looking for ways to help ease the hurt and help rebuild our unity.

4. I am going to the doctor today for the depression that has taken over my life.

5. Problems from the past all point to stress of bills jobs ect ect. but the relationship felt strong.

6. My wife nor I are drinkers. once maybe twice every couple of months will we drink much more than a glass of wine with a meal.

7. drinking as an excuse---refer to answer 6

8. Emotionally I am a reck my work suffers my time with my children suffers. I can not look anyone in the eyes for fear they may see the hurt and start asking questions which may make me breakdown.

hope this puts more light on where we are in this

Husband,

Ah see....I am hearing your feelings come through alot stronger. I think what many people are lacking in your description is the accountability from you wife. The idea that "she doesn't know" how this happened. Maybe she does, and maybe she doesn't....or maybe she just isn't willing yet to face the consequence of knowing. I am sorry this is hurting so badly. Please DO encourage your wife to explore her feelings in an honest and open way. It sounds as though the two of you can recovery from this....most wayward spouses would be very lucky to have someone who is as forgiving as you are. Please be honest to your wife about how you FEEL and how this has affected you. It's important for her to know that. I'm not much of a drinker either, and I know for someone who doesn't drink much that alcohol can have a pretty profound affect on us...but by itself...it can't make someone be unfaithful....it lowers inhibitions and skews logical judgement. But the vulnerability was already there....and that's the root of this...not the alcohol. Why was your wife vulnerable to an affair. Maybe if you ask THAT question instead of "why did you do it" you might get closer to understanding. So the question would be "Why do you think you were vulnerable to an affair?"

Well doctor put me on 300mg of anti depressents per day..should see some improvement in few weeks. I have been able to focus a little better at work today only out of volume of stuff stacking up and not getting completed...not because I want to.

Well doctor put me on 300mg of anti depressents per day
300 mg/day to start! What's the antidepressant?

wellbuteran is the dr choice as it also has quitting smoking benefits....figure we will kill two giants with one rock...