I'm 31, my wife is 24 and we'll be married 3 years this Nov. My wife has been having an affair with a coworker the past 10 months.

She started to tell me on Thursday 6/12 what had been going on. For a week she had been acting very depressed. On Thursday She broke down crying and told me I deserved to know what was bothering her. She told me a coworker had just told his wife he was in love with my wife. She told me she was also in love with him and the thought of losing him made her want to die. She said she wanted to be with him. I hoped she just had confused feelings. I asked her if there had been any physical contact and she said no. She said she loved me but was in love with him. I felt as long as they did not have sex, everything could still work out okay.

The next day, Friday, I called the OM and said I wanted to talk to him. He offered to meet me that afternoon. When I met him, in a public place, his wife was with him. I asked him to explain what had been going on and he simply said they fell in love. I asked him about physical contact and he said no, nothing more than hugs. I told him pursuing her was very disrespectful to her and me and to his own wife. I told him the moment he confessed his feeling to my wife their friendship was doomed and destroyed. I said in order for his marriage to improve as well as mine, he would have to have no contact with my wife. He did not want to agree to this. After much questioning and talking he reluctantly agreed. He did not apologize without my asking for one.

I went home and told my wife I met with him. I told her he said he would stop all contact and asked if she would do the same. She broke down crying and said “What does it matter? He has already agreed to stop contact”. I said it does matter. I told her she should go talk to her parents. She did not want to do that. I asked her what really happened and she admitted she slept with him.

I sent her home to her parents that night, but picked her up 2 days later to bring her home. When I picked her up she kept saying how sorry she was and that she loved me. She told me marriage was supposed to be tough. I told her not like this and that she had ruined everything. She says she knows she really messed up and she’ll regret if for the rest of her life. She said she wants to get help and wants us to see a marriage counselor right away.

I think I've experienced every emotion that exists this past week. I always thought I would immediately divorce her if anything like this ever happened, but actually my first thought was we can get through this. I want to stay married and I want to help her.

I still love my wife and I think she loves me. Every day I'm torn between wanting to stay and rebuild our marriage or divorcing her and moving on with my life. The more I think about what she had done, the more I feel she doesn't care about me and how can I stay married to someone who doesnt' care? I feel so hurt and betrayed that she so quickly and so easily gave herself physically and emotionally to another man. I feel angry that the past year I have not had my emotional/physical needs met and have been suffering and sacrificing while she's been out there getting her own needs met without thinking of me. I've always tried to be a good husband and meet all her needs. I recognized a long time ago that she was enjoying the attention this person was giving her. I attempted to give her more attention and affection, but she just shut me out. I have never considered cheating on her and cannot understand how she could do this. She tells me she loves me, but it is almost impossible for me to believe her. She said she tried to end it several times, but if it wasn't for his wife finding out, this affair would still be continuing today.

We saw a marriage counselor last Tues. and he recommended I not act so affection starved (even though I am) so that she can miss me and fall back in love with me. What kind of bull**** is that!? She's been screwing some other guy and now I have to be nice to her and pretend nothing happened? I've been following his advice, but I feel so fake doing it. She is not making any effort to call me or reassure me. It's so unfair, she should be proving her love to me! I feel if I don't divorce her, I will have no self-respect. I honestly love her and want to be with her, but I am so devastated! Can I ever trust her again? How can I ever bring her around my family again. We don't have any kids, so should I just be thankful this happened this early in our marriage and just quit while I'm ahead? I'm seeing our counselor tomorrow night by myself. I hope he can help me answer these questions. I hate what she has done to me and our marriage. I don't know if I'll ever be able to love her and trust her the way I did. I don’t want to live a life, always wondering where she is and who she is talking to. I just want to be happy with someone who will love me.

Sorry for the long post. I just had to get it out.

<small>[ August 14, 2003, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: hope4us ]</small>

2Good,

There should be more qualified, experienced people than I responding shortly, but let me reply to you on a couple of things you said:

First, what you are feeling is dead on with most BSs (Betrayed Spouses). And how your wife is acting. I know it doesn't seem fair that YOU have to put all this effort in when you wife won't/can't, but that is how it is right now. Do you want to be right (fair) or do you want to stay married? She is in the fog still, consider it like she is withdrawing from a drug or alcohol, because that is what the other man was/is.

You did exactly right in requiring NC (no contact). It might even behoove you to notify the wife that it was a PA (Physical Affair), not just a EA (emotional affair). Wouldn't you want to know if she had found out?

At some point, your wife will recover enough and want the marriage enough to put enough energy so that you can start healing. There are somethings you can require right now...like the NC, the POJA (policy of joint agreement) and POTH (policy of total honesty). Your wife needs to be totally transparent to you now in her actions...you need to know who she is with, for how long, when she will be back. If for any reason anything happens (she sees other man accidently, etc), she needs to notify you right away. She has to rebuild your trust, she deceived you for 10 months in the most appalling way, she now has to rebuild that trust or you will feel like controlling her and she will resent it.
Finally, understand your roll in this. You DID NOT make her have an affair, that was 100% her decision. BUT, there were things in your marriage, things you were a part of or did, that made her susceptible to the affair. Find out what they are. You say you did everything you could...are you sure. Use the ENQ (Emotional Needs Questionaire) to find out.

PS....I would strongly suggest that if you really feel like your screen name, that your marriage will be doomed. We are ALL sinners, but we can be saved by Grace. If she has asked, God has already forgiven her, someday I pray you will too. Change your screen name, please.

sstnt,
Thanks for your reply. You're right, my screen name was not appropriate. I was feeling very angry when I registered and did feel I was 2Good4Her. I think my current name better reflects how I truely feel.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching to determine how I contributed to this situation. I think I put too much pressure on her to do well at work. She looked to this coworker to help her and it went from there. I still cannot beleive it happened. Right now I feel so much sadness and feel so alone.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: hope4us ]</small>

You are not alone....there are MANY on this board, both Men and Women who have gone through this same betrayal, and though each situation is unique, all have uncanny similarities. Soon, you will have the support here that you need, just give it a chance. Bump this thread if you need to, and wait and there will be people that will help you through this. Just remember, they are not counselors, just people like you that have experience. You have to be the judge of what to do and what not to do. BUT, I hope you will get into counseling (both MC and IC) soon and work on this. When you are both involved and realize that you BOTH want it to work, that will be the true beginning of the rest of your marriage.

Dear Hope4us,

You can do this. It's going to be tough, but it's possible. You have reacted beautifully so far and I commend you. She is in a fog right now. She and her other man can only see what they want to see. They think that they are soul mates that were supposed to find each other on this earth. To think otherwise would be to admit that they are a couple of humans who have just made a terrible mistake! Just give her some time to come around. Soon enough she'll see the pain she has caused you. Soon enough she won't be able to live with the shame of trying to break up two marriages.

Johnh39 gives the best guide for getting started on the road to recovery. I know that he posted it here recently so just go down the list of people who have posted on this board until you find his name and click on the link titled, The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines . It's what I used to get started on our recovery and I can happily report that we are doing really well.

I'm so sorry for the pain that you are in. It's unfair and it hurts, but nobody promised us that life would be easy. It can be good though, if we do the work to heal our emotional pain and grow from it. If you can think of this as a growing process instead of a head on attack, it'll help. You still have to mourn your loss, however so don't feel bad about that either. Keep posting. There is a lot of help here.

Stillwed

P.S. It's good to do the soul searching to figure out how you contributed to making the marriage ripe for an affair. The affair itself however was her choice. She had lots of other options besides having an affair. She should have told you she was unhappy, asked you to do counseling, worked on building the relationship to a more satisfying level, etc. Last but not least, if you refused to change she should have divorced you before moving on to another partner. It's important that you realize this. It's not your fault.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: stillwed ]</small>

I had an individual appt. with our marriage counselor the other night. He said my wife is greiving the loss of her affair. He said I need to give her some space and time. In the meantime, she is not really showing me she loves me, no much physical affection at all. She does kiss me goodbye and says she loves me when she leaves in the morning, but it feels very empty to me. How long does this greiving process typically take? I don't know if I can handle living like this much longer. I feel I've been suffering for the past year and now it is so much worse. My heart aches everyday. I miss the wife I married. I think about the future we talked about having together and sadness overwhelms me.

Man.....oh man, I dont know what to say. What you are going thru is exactly what I used to fear.....the uncertainty of a future with my WW. I truly feel for you, I ended up divorced....you have an opportunity to save your marriage. I dont know, I personally would ALWAYS wonder if my WW was craving the OM. No matter how long ago it happened.....I would always wonder <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

hpoe4us, hang in thee buddy, your cirumstances and mine sound identical. D-day here was in Feb., things right now are going to be a roller coaster for you and there is not much you can do but stay calm and try to make the home a place she wants to be.

It does get very old when you see the wife with the blank stare and know that she is thinking bout the OP.

Take things slow and read all you can. I did pick up the book Surving a Affair by Dr. Harley, if you can get it, it outlines almost exactly as to what your wife is going to say, how she is goiing to react to what you say and the mourning process they go through after breaking with the OP.

If you need to vent do it here, going off on her is not a good thing to do at this time, even if it makes you feel better.

Hang in there my friend, if the M doesnt work out at least YOU did all you could to make it work.

Click on the link in my signature line. From my perspective, recovery is worth it.

Grieving can take three weeks to six months. Harley says you really can't make all that much progress in recovery until that is over, and the process is extended if there is any contact between them (which can also lead to a renewal of the affair). Please do not think that a non-physical affair is not serious. It is their emotional connection which led to the physical affair, so just stopping the sex is an insufficient cure.

As for her saying that she loves you, if she is like my wife, she can say that because of the way she defines the word "love". Do you know EXACTLY what that word means and implies to her? I did not know what it meant when my wife said it to me, but I thought I did. Realizing that I did not know what she meant was the beginning of a journey to better communication between us. Harley's instructions on how to avoid lovebusters, especially disrespectful judgements, in the ensuing discussions were very helpful, if difficult to apply at times.

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

What a slime this OM is by agreeing to meet you with his wife and swearing that there was no contact. I hoped you informed his wife and told her he was lying about no contact and that he had slept with your wife numerous times. Let him have some sleepless nights. Only you can decide what you want in your future. I wish you luck.

H4U your W is probably trying to be as honest as she can regarding her feelings and does not want to set you up for an emotional fall. But, should you allow her to come back so easily and without any prerequisite? I don't think so. You too have to be honest with her and admit to her how you do not trust her and that you do not want to have her come back only to find out that all her talk was just that, talk (false recovery). Insist that before she can come back, that the two of you start following Dr Harley's Basic Concepts AND The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage BEFORE SHE IS ALLOWED TO RETURN . If she was truthful in her desire and willingness to rebuild the M, then she has to understand that she is going to have to back up her words with deeds.

And just to let you know that what I said in my previous post is NOT just my unprofessional, layman opinion, here's a post from Cerri (a certified MB coach, and founder of ) to StillHereMakingIt in her thread titled Is it fair to ask for terms to return home from FWH after Plan B??? .

I think the affair is over. At least for now. Unfortunately, they work at the same company. Since I found out, he has taken 2 weeks off from work. I'm worried about what will happen when he returns. Even if my wife and he never contact each other, I'm afraid she will do this again in the future with someone else.

I'm concerned about wasting my time in the M while she grieves. I'm afraid she will never be able to meet my emotional needs.

Bryanp-- his wife does know what happened. I setup a meeting with both my wife and his and myself so his wife could ask mine whatever she wanted. It didn't turn out the way I thought it would. His wife didn't ask any questions; just gave a lecture on morality. I had to prod my wife to tell her the truth. Even after my wife said they had a physical affair, his wife seemed to be in denial and ignored it. Whatever! I have my own problems to deal with.

Right now, I'm just trying to follow the advice given by my marriage counselor. But everyday, my wife will say or do something that makes me love her less. Divorce is becoming a stronger thought in my head.

Hang in there H4U,

As your new screename suggests, there is hope. My situation sounds so much like yours it isn't funny, right rookie!?

The advice and encouraging words that I have gotten here have helped tremendously! It also helps to come here and vent, say whatever you like somebody here has probably experienced the same thing and can help you through the jam. No one here wants anything but to see you succeed at repairing your marriage.

Hang in there, you have come to the right place!

Good Luck and God Bless,

r0uter

Feeling very numb today.

Last night my wife was trying to explain her reasons for starting the affair and it all sounded very selfish and immature to me. She doesn't realize how hurtful her actions were. She seems to have no concept of future consequences and no sense of commitment whatsoever.

She says they are not bad people, just made a mistake. She said if she could go back, she wouldn't change anything because its the mistakes and experiences she's had that makes her who she is today. She says she doesn't regret it, b/c she doesn't want to live her life with any regrets.

What the ****! She sounds like a total mental case! Is she in denial? Is this normal, the way she is trying to rationalize the A? I feel like I really don't even know her anymore.

I am going thru a similair thing right now: W falls for someone at work, gets caught, and tells me that she wants her marraige, then flip flops for weeks. Its a very trying thing when you want it (the marriage) and she doesn't. On one hand you feel stepped all over and insignificant, and the other you want the M to work so you talk yourself into accepting the downs because the ups are what you want so bad. For me it has effected everything, work isn't good, life at home is bad, can't enjoy anything. But I think alot of this is the pressure I am putting on myself. In the end sometimes the best thing is to let go. Think of it this way: if you hold on tightly she will not recieve it the way you are meaning it and ultimately leave. If you let go, she has a choice to make (note SHE HAS A CHOICE) in recognizing that the affair was wrong and that her family IS more important. But you cannot make her see that, only she can see that for herself. I feel your pain, and I know it is a small help, what you want is someone to say "do this" and she will come back and be yours forever. But the sad truth is that it may not turn out that way, but YOU can be a better person from it. You HAVE to work on yourself, thats the one thing you have absolute control over right now. And when I find the magic words that help me do it, I will definatley share!!

My WS said the same things to me. I think part of it is denial, but it is also the fog.
She has not yet come to terms with her own responsibility in this and probably hasn't yet come to a point where she can feel guilt or regret sensibly. Especially since she is grieving for the OM.
My W still says she misses the OM too. I think it is a very necessary step, and I am letting her experience that her way. I just try to keep her aware that I am there for her if she needs a shoulder to cry on.

I miss being her best friend and I'm always trying to figure out why she didn't grieve for me when she went looking...

r0uter

Dear Hope,

You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She says they are not bad people, just made a mistake. She said if she could go back, she wouldn't change anything because its the mistakes and experiences she's had that makes her who she is today. She says she doesn't regret it, b/c she doesn't want to live her life with any regrets.

What the ****! She sounds like a total mental case! Is she in denial? Is this normal, the way she is trying to rationalize the A? I feel like I really don't even know her anymore.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the fog talking. She'll regret most of what she says after it clears. My H looks back now on the things he said to me and he feels like such a fool. He's really ashamed that he believed this stuff at the time. Just give her some time to come around. Do what you can do to make the marriage a safe place to be and eventually, hopefully she'll start seeing the truth of the matter.

Stillwed

Thank you for all your replies and support. It has helped to know I'm not alone in this.

She called me a few times today and was very upbeat and happy and made weekend plans for us. This is so confusing! I am trying my best to stay positive around her and create a nice atmosphere for her.

However, this makes me feel like I'm compromising my own integrity. It seems like it's going to take her a long time to get past this and to start showing her love for me and our marriage. I'm afraid that I won't have the patience to wait much longer.

I am so in love with her and have been totally devoted and committed to her. But when she tells me, "I had to find out if my feeling for him were real, if I didn't, I would have regretted it and I don't want to live my life with any regrets. If I could do it again, I would do the same thing", that shows a lack of commitment to me. How many strikes against her can I take? She's cheated on me emotionally and physically. She's been dishonest with me. She's not committed to me. Why am I trying to save a marriage to a woman who won't commit to me? How long does it take to rebuild trust? My feelings are so conflicted. My heart aches at the thought of not being with her. I've been suffering for so long already; I don't know how much more I can take. I've been giving and giving for the past year and I want to give more, I want to save our marriage, but I'm so exhausted and she makes it so hard for me to want to try. I have to hide in the bathroom to cry because she says it annoys her to see me like that. I don't want to give up, but I don't have much strength left. Please God, help me.

Hang in there H4U,

The rollercoaster ride is just beginning! I get the exact same way sometimes. I have moments, sometimes days when I think about how much easier it would be to just let her go. But the fact is, that wouldn't be the easy way. And who wants to take the easy way anyway?
Sounds like you are asking the right (Person?) for help though. I pray every day for the strength and patience to make through the next day. So far, so good!

Hang tough!

r0uter

The fact that you are still young and don't have children makes it easier to move on with your life without having to deal with her emotional baggage.
As for the marriage counsellor you are seeing. I think he is full of crap. YOU are the victim in this scenario and he is telling you to be patient and respectful of her feelings for the OM. My friend your wife should be on her knees asking you for forgiveness and to be allowed to stay married to you. She may say she loves you but her actions show that the marriage to you was not a high priority. If she was remorseful she would be satisfying your ENs to help you get over her betrayal not the other way around.