Well, I made it through the weekend. She's actually acting more normal. She seemed very happy to be out with me Friday night and was very talkative. Saturday, she asked me to do some things with her so she could spend some time with me. That night, she reached out to touch me and look into my eyes and said she was sorry. Sunday, we had her parents over for a BBQ. Had an okay time joking around with everyone.

She seems to be coming around and is starting to act like she cares about me and wants to stay married to me. The problem is, my feelings for her are starting to dull. I don't fully love her the way I used to. I think I have lost a lot of respect for her and I don't know how to change that. I look at her and all I can think is she cheated on me with a married man with a kid. Not only is she a cheater, but she is the other woman. I can't help but think what she's done is trashy and slutty. She's done things with him that she stopped doing with me and some things that she never did with me. I have known the guy she had the affair with and have never had a very high opinion of him. Now that I know she gave her love and her body to him, my opinion of her is dropping as well. How do I get past this? She was my wonderful, beautiful wife and now I look at her and don't know what to think anymore. I think I'm falling out of love with her.

H4U,

Sounds like her account in your love bank is quickly diminishing! Hopefully, as she comes around she will start to make more deposits and you will be able to love her again the way you once did.
IMHO, because she was all caught up in the A and how exciting it was, she probably let her self go and her inhibitions drop. Not sure, but I belive this is common in affairs. Dr. Harvey talks about how passionate they can be, and how much more fanciful.

Hang in there and remember that all of this is typical of an affair. It doesn't make your wife slutty or trashy, it makes her human.

God bless,

r0uter

rookie, r0uter, it sounds like you both have very similar situations to me. Can you tell me about them? I tried to find the postings or threads where you might have described it, but didn't have much luck.

tomaz, you sound like the little guy on my right shoulder fighting with the guy on my left shoulder. Thanks for expressing your opinion. I know this is a marriage building forum, but sometimes its refreshing to hear the other point of view as well.

I'm as conflicted as ever. One side thinks she doesn't really love me or care about me and wants a divorce. The other side sees her showing some effort and is optimistic that things will improve and get better. I really don't know if this small improvement is temporary or not. She has proven herself to be a very good lier.

I also know how you feel. I found out on the 16th of june and she thinks I should pretend it's ok. Like you I am thinking of divorce to save my own dignity. Every time we talk she says it's my fault she had an affair because I neglected her. Well, I was neglected also. I'm not sure whether I could ever be intimate with her the way a married couple should. As for your counselor--How much space does she need? If you give her too much will she start seing him again? I think Plan A may work for you two. But, only if she "completely" breaks it of with the OM.
Sorry to go on about my troubles. I'm still reeling about what I found out and how it hit me in the face. I do hope it brings some insight to your "situation".

I with you man.

My wife looks a lot differant to me now than she did before she confessed. She probably looks a lot differant to herself. I know family and friends think differantly of her now.

For me it's not so much the sex part but the moral choice and disregard for me and our marriage. I wish she would have just left before the affair if the marriage was so bad.

My wife confessed and left going on 4 months now. She had an EA/PA with married man. A friend's husband.

I've seen nothing that indicates her acceptance of what she's done. I got one I'm sorry when she left and that's it. Her affair is now falling apart and she asked me not to call her as she needs space. Just another kick to my guts as I wait to get some closure or non at all.

It also seems as though my needs in the marriage meen nothing or my feelings now. I feel disposable, isolated and alone.

All I can say is hang tough and work on yourself. Don't do anything you may regret. Sleep, eat, get some Meds if needed.

The reality I've come to accept is this - Until she's done with the other man in her life she will never see what may be for us. I just hope she doesn't wait to long.

Last night she told me she regretted everything that happened. She is angry with herself and with him. She now feels he manipulated her and she was an idiot and fell for it. She asked me if this changes our plans for children. I looked at her like she was crazy and said, “I’m not looking that far into the future right now.” She said she still wants to have kids and live a happy life together and she wants us to get past this.

I want the same thing, but I don’t know if I can get past this. Every time I look at her, I feel pain. She betrayed my trust and she threw away my love. She didn’t care about me for a long time. I’m having a hard time getting over that. I want to forgive her, but there are so many mistakes to forgive. She made so many stupid choices, risking everything, her career, her marriage, all for nothing. I wonder if she is just sorry that things have gone bad and now she is trying to make everything peaceful again.

Even if I do forgive her, how can I ever forget? I wish my memory could be erased so I could live in blissful ignorance. I can’t get the images out of my mind of her with him. I thought I would feel better as time passed, but the pain grows worse. My heart is so broken. It aches so bad every day, sometimes I feel like I’m going to die. I don’t know how to feel better.

H4U,

Wow, what a conflict! She sounds like she wants to repair things, but you are not sure how to feel about her and what she has done.

I am sorry to hear you say that you feel this way. I am reasonably sure you are not going to die from the heart ache. I don't mean to belittle your feelings, I have had those same feelings too. I still have them every once in a while. But, I think that the sooner you can pick up your heart and put it back in place, the sooner you will realize that no matter what she did to you, your love for her is stronger than the emotions you are feeling now. You may never be able to completely forgive her, and you will not ever forget, but you need to put it behind you. Work on the present and stay focused on the future.

Things will get better! (That's what I keep telling myself too!)

Hang tough..

r0uter

Hope4us

Look at this realistcally, did you do the things your wife did? Did you turn to someone else? Why do we continually make excuses for people who wrong others? I am reading all about affairs etc, and I am appalled at the fact that we are to support and help out those who have lied, deceived and hurt us, not to mention our children. Look, Im not saying leave, but for gods sake, dont act like a victim! You did not do anything wrong, and you know what, your wife is allowing you to own the brunt of making your relationship work. Let her make it work. Make her reach out to you. If she cant do that, get out !

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hope4us:

"My fear is that if I stay with her, she'll think she can make any mistake and I'll still forgive her. I fear that the effort she is showing is all a lie. I fear that once a cheater, always a cheater. We were only married 1.5 years when she cheated. Our marriage was pretty good. What's going to happen when things get really tough (kids, midlife crisis, etc.)? Is it possible for a cheater to go the next 50+ years without cheating?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not if YOU make the resolution to decide the fate of your marriage based on the deal breaking boundary of her following or not following, The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. Without strict observance of them, ANY marriage is vulnerable to an affair.

"tomaz, you sound like the little guy on my right shoulder fighting with the guy on my left shoulder. Thanks for expressing your opinion. I know this is a marriage building forum, but sometimes its refreshing to hear the other point of view as well."

Even Dr.Harley has stated that if there are no children divorce should be considered. Rebuilding marriages does not mean having to be stupid and staying in a bad relationship.

Had a big argument last night about her wanting to go out with her girlfriends. Told her I still don't trust her. That didn't go over well.

Anyway, we're supposed to go out to the beach this weekend. I'm not so sure I want to spend that much time alone with her. Afraid of what might happen. I'm going to try to make the best of it and maybe recaputure some of those old feelings we've had for each other. I desperately need to feel we still love each other.

I'll send an update when I get back on Monday.

Have a good 4th of July.

Well, the weekend had its ups and downs. I think she wants to stay married to me and work on our marriage, but she doesn’t show any affection towards me during the day. However she will snuggle with me in bed in the morning. She is really confusing me. When I went to hold her, she pulled away.

All weekend long, I couldn’t stop thinking about her with another man. How do I get that out of my head? My sexual frustration is at an all time high.

She asked me a few times why I was grumpy or in a bad mood. Doesn’t she understand why? I still don’t think she knows how badly she hurt me.

We had a tennis lesson together and she was in a really bad mood. She acts so unhappy. Sunday night, lying in bed, the magnitude of what she’s done overwhelmed me. I try to think of good memories over the past 10 months and they are all tainted. I feel incredibly depressed.

It's been 3 weeks since I found out. When does it start to get better? How long do I have to wait before she starts showing me affection. I'm just trying to get a feel for what's typical and what I should or should not put up with.

Without angry outbursts, selfish demands or disrespectful judgements, you MUST calmly, quietly and honestly convey to her how her behavior (pulling from you physically, and wanting to go out with her girlfriends ,who probably knew about her affair, and expecting full trust from you so soon) is making it extremely difficult to have any hope of rebuilding the marriage, and that your love for her dies the longer this behavior of her continues. Respectfully let her know that her actions speak louder than her words.

You may want to offer her the solution to this problem is for BOTH of you to follow the MB principles embodied in The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage AND in the e-book titled Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair from After The Affair (this book was written FOR the WS from a BS).

Hope4us, i haven't read all the posts here, just yours and i must say that we are one and the same. I'm 30 my W is 26, will be married 3 years this October. She had an A for over 1 year with a person from work. On Dday she said it was over that she loved me, blah, blah, lots of crying. I can't offer you any advice, i'm just posting to let you know that your not alone. Our situation sounds so similar it is scary. I found out from OM's W and confronted OM who told me the truth, then confronted wife who gave up denying it after that. I to have no kids and think of divorce every day atleast 10 times a day. Im my situation to make matters worse we all worked together and i felt i had to transfer to save my job which i'm now regreting, my W has said she will transfer/retire/quit/ whatever it takes, but so far they are still working together. Everyday at work i have young attractive women flirt with me and think to myself what am i wasting my time with the W for, i can and should do better, but i still love her like you still love your W. This isn't a decision you can make in 2 weeks, i'm giving it 2 months and if i'm still in the same place then i'm gone. Do a search for my other post about my W's A.

It takes a long time to get over an affair. It's been 2 years since my H's A ended (it lasted 4.5 months with another 1.5 months of continued contact). It still haunts me, but things are much, much better. We both know we made the right decision to stay together.

In your situation- give it some time, get counseling, don't rush into any decisions. Look at all the factors that may have contributed to your wife's decision to have an affair. Figure out where the weaknesses in your relationship are- and in her. Take your time to think about things. It's true, you don't have kids- now you can walk much more easily.

If you want your M, you have to reassure your W that you will not hold her mistake against her forever. Read those counseling books together, and help her understand what YOU NEED from her to heal. Don't get angry or demand, just make it clear that rebuilding is a joint project. The 2 of you must make a decision together whether you want to do that. You can help your wife by explaining your feelings in a calm way.

good luck

Dear hope4us,

I read your thread and something caught my attn:
"I think I've experienced every emotion that exists this past week. I always thought I would immediately divorce her if anything like this ever happened, but actually my first thought was we can get through this. I want to stay married and I want to help her. "

I remember feeling the exact same way. Click on some of name to get some of my threads. Last yr I found out my H (he is now posting under zachsdad) and before i ever found out about the A, it was an unforgivable thing, BUT the day I confronted him the last thing I wanted was a D. 1 year and 2 mos(10 mos now) later we are separated due to his guilt and shame but I am still working at saving our M. I admit where I went wrong and he admits where he went wrong but now he has fears and guilt that is unbearable. Stick with it, remember why you love her.

My H denied sleeping with the OW for 6 weeks, and believe me I asked in as many non-threatening ways that I could, he denied it again and again....until I found the e-mail that said it all...You will be working with a lot of anger and hurt and distrust, but that will subside. We have been separated for 10 mos. and believe it or not I am still gaining back trust.

Hang in there, e-mail me directly if you want any advice-- dlmelanson@eastlink.ca

Take care,

Hope4us,

Unfortunately I am the WW and wanted to possibly ask an opinion. I have not yet told my husband, but desperately want to because I feel that at this point our marriage needs honesty. And that without honesty, we will not have a functional marriage anyhow.

My situation is similar to you and your W. I guess the main difference is that I am almost out of the fog, and my heart is committed 100% now to do what it takes to save my M. My husband, like you, has said to me in the past that if I were to cheat, then divorce would be inevitable.

What changed your mind? What is it about your love for her that makes you want to work it out? I pray that my H has enough love for me to try to forgive me and rekindle our feelings. I do regret what I did, and if I could go back and change it, I would. But I have also learned a great lesson in all this - that if the marriage is faltering, both people have to work on it.

When ours was faltering, I was asking my husband why he was cold to me. Why he was always irritated with me. By the time I gave in to the A, I was sure my H did not love who I was anymore. I guess I felt like it was over anyway.

He has started to open up to me now, and although some people have advised to just not tell about the A (which is over for good in my book), I still cannot continue to deceive him.

Coming from the other side - WS's have no excuse for what we did. Nobody deserves to be put in that situation. But sometimes when you make a poor decision, you have to try to do what you can to make it right. Telling you was the first step. Many of us (like myself) are nervous as hell about telling, because we may very well lose the best person in our lives. Especially when we do not have children yet. But it is at least a sign of love that she told you in the first place.

Please be patient with her. I can't say you should shower her with affection, but I pray every day that my husband will be able to forgive and want to make things better. Good luck.

lost,

You OWE it to your H to be open and honest with him in every way. I too was betrayed, and I know that the fact that she came to me, and I didn't have to discover it on my own helped a lot. I think it helped me to realize that she loves me, otherwise she wouldn't have told me. She may have changed her mind since then, but it won't change the way I feel about her.

The Harley principles teach us that there should be ABSOLUTELY no secrets between spouses. If you cannot be totally honest with your spouse, you are not totally committed to the relationship. (That last part is IMHO.)

Good Luck,

r0uter

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost in tx:
<strong>Hope4us,

... I have not yet told my husband, but desperately want to because I feel that at this point our marriage needs honesty. And that without honesty, we will not have a functional marriage anyhow.</strong>

I'm sure it won't be easy for you to be honest about your affair, but you must realize the longer you are dishonest, the more pain your husband will feel.

<strong>
I guess the main difference is that I am almost out of the fog, and my heart is committed 100% now to do what it takes to save my M. </strong>

The fact that you are committed 100% is very encouraging for your marriage.

<strong>
My husband, like you, has said to me in the past that if I were to cheat, then divorce would be inevitable. What changed your mind? What is it about your love for her that makes you want to work it out? </strong>

I thought if she knew how I felt about cheating and understood the consequences, that would prevent her from cheating. Of course I was wrong.

I want to work it out with her because I know at one time we had a great marriage and an incredible connection together and I'm hopeful that we can have that again. However, I do not know how commited she is to saving our marriage. I do not know if we will ever have that connection again. I don't know if we want the same things in our lives and if we can be happy together again. Right now, I am commited to saving our marriage and meeting her needs, but if she cannot meet my needs, I will not be able to stay married to her. As much as I love her, I do know that if things don't change, I will have to let her go.

<strong>
I pray that my H has enough love for me to try to forgive me and rekindle our feelings. I do regret what I did, and if I could go back and change it, I would. But I have also learned a great lesson in all this - that if the marriage is faltering, both people have to work on it. </strong>

Yes, you will both have to work at it. You and your H have a very difficult road ahead of you.

<strong>
... By the time I gave in to the A, I was sure my H did not love who I was anymore. I guess I felt like it was over anyway. </strong>

If you ever feel like that again, you must be honest with your H about how you feel. If you truely feel it is over, it is best to end one relationship before starting another.

<strong>
... some people have advised to just not tell about the A (which is over for good in my book), I still cannot continue to deceive him.</strong>

The deception is what hurts me the most.

<strong>
... Telling you was the first step. Many of us (like myself) are nervous as hell about telling, because we may very well lose the best person in our lives. Especially when we do not have children yet. But it is at least a sign of love that she told you in the first place.</strong>

Yes, you may lose him, but telling him is the first step to improving your marriage. I would recommend you see a marriage counselor as soon as possible.

<strong>
Please be patient with her. I can't say you should shower her with affection, but I pray every day that my husband will be able to forgive and want to make things better. Good luck.</strong>

Thank you. Every day is a struggle. I have never felt such immense sadness and pain before. I hope our marriage can survive, but I know there is a possibility it will not. At this point in our counseling sessions, the next few weeks will determine the path we will take.

I hope I have been of some help to you. I wish you the best and you will be in my prayers.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you router and hope4us. Your words are true and encouraging - even if I am afraid.

I know this is not my thread, but it would appear as though age-wise and marriage time-wise, our situations are similar. It is really nice to hear the perspective of the BS in this situation.

I am going to tell my husband tonight. Going to also try to secure counseling today with some good links provided by TMCM and some others.

Hope4us - I really wish you two the best. Has your wife thought about using MB as a resource? I have found a great deal of inspiration using even just the articles and discussion boards, and I think it has helped me to recover faster from the OM. Just an idea.

I am behind you in recovery, but should you need a possible perspective from the other side, please feel free to contact me. I have learned that sometimes hearing both viewpoints can lend a better understanding. Take care.