I did the one thing I swore to my husband and myself that I would never do - I had sex with another man. He found out within a few days because I had emailed the man a few times. When he confronted me, I confessed everything, and the full realization of what I had done came crashing down on me. I am so incredibly grateful that I have the wonderful husband that I have - He didn't yell or get angry, he talked to me, held me, and sincerely tried to understand me. He took time of work to spend with me so that we can begin healing our hearts and our marriage. I look back at my actions and even my words now, and I wonder where on earth this all came from. It's like I'm remembering something that happened to someone else. I've done a lot of soul searching - trying to understand what went wrong inside myself to allow this to happen. I've spent a lot of time in prayer and in remorseful tears. I know that God will forgive me, because he knows my heart. But I can't forgive myself until my husband has the ability to forgive me. Is there anyone that can offer advice on this?

Gr8t,

I would like to suggest that you read two books. Ultimately you may read many more, but these two may give you some insight as to what happened. I would suggest Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs both by Harley. Your H will find them useful as well.

On a shorter term read some of the articles that Harley has on this site. The forum can be very useful, but remember that the people posting here are not professional counselors.

In any event, start your journey with your H. Read about the four rules of a Happy marriage and the policy of Joint agreement, POJA. Also note that "radical honesty" is a cornerstone for the Harley approach. Please read about it here.

There is a lot of information available to you, share it with your H and learn from it. I think you two can indeed rebuild your marriage. Do understand one thing. Your H will take a while to heal from this, and you will want to sort of move on as you will know what is in your heart and mind before, during, and after the affair. Your H does not know these things. It will take time.

God Bless,

JL

gr8fulwife welcome to MB.

You and your H are lucky that you have so much love for one another and that you BOTH want to repair the damage caused by your ONS.

I suggest that you BOTH read every article on this website and read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair','Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs' as well as Shirley Glass's 'Not Just Friends'. If BOTH of you follow the principles embodied in A Summary Of Dr Harley's Basic Concepts and The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage then your marriage will become a much happy and healthier one than before.

What happened to you is NOT unique. It happens even in happy marriages where there are no serious issues. Dr Shirley Glass's book 'Not Just Friends' covers this topic in greater detail and I highly recommend that you and your H read it.

The more knowledge you and your H have the better chances of a faster marital recovery.

And last but certainly not least, you and your H have to send a letter or an e-mail in which BOTH of you tell the OM to NEVER CONTACT you again. Change your e-mail and telephone numbers (cell and residential) if necessary just in case he still insists on trying to contact you. There can be NO recovery until ALL contact with the OM ceases to exist.

GW: Buy, and read together with your husband, "Torn Asunder", by Carder. It will help you fill in any blanks you have about why you did it if Harley's perspective seems incomplete. I do think Surviving an Affair is the best book out there on the subject, but TA gets at a few things SAA misses or skims over.

I want to thank everyone for the kind words and encouragement. My H and I have made final contact with the OM. We have no desire to contact him again, and I'm sure he has no desire to contact us. He made it clear that it was a ONS and that's that.

I have read nearly everything I can read on this website, but will read several items again and again. Thanks to all for book suggestions. My H and I will get to them when we can.

Here's another great book (it's actually an e-book) title Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair and its written by a BW who wrotte it after she discovered her H had been unfaithful. It is intended for the WS and what s/he must do to help regain the forgiveness and respect from the BS. It cheap too, $5.00.

<small>[ June 24, 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Thank you, TooMuchCoffee! I've downloaded the book and can't look away from it. Part of my frustration is the desire to help my husband and my marriage through this, but no clue what to do or where to start. I think this book will answer alot of my questions!! Will let you know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gr8fulwife:

Part of my frustration is the desire to help my husband and my marriage through this, but no clue what to do or where to start.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1. Reading and implementing the Harley principles embodied in The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage AND The Basic Concepts, as well as the in the e-book Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair will go a long way to achieving this.

2. Realizing that the emotional rollercoaster that the two of you are experiencing is NORMAL, and learning to weather the emotional dips that will be part of the healing process. PATIENCE and FAITH in GOD are your greatest allies in helping you and your H recover.

3. Coming here for support during the days when you feel low and need a friendly ear.

Most BS AND WS here would give an arm and a leg to have the love and committment to rebuild the marriage that you and your H have. This is indeed a good sign that the two of you will not only survive this ordeal but will have the marriage the two of you always wanted.

Gr8fulwife:

I am curious because you sound like such a warm and caring person who loves her husband very much.
What made you want to have an affair and risk destroying your marriage and hurting your husband this way? Did you feel guilt when you were having the affair and was it short or long term. Did your husband know the OM? There is just something about your post that makes me feel that if someone like you had an affair then everybody is at risk at having an affair. I wish you and your husband luck.

These are many of the same questions I've been asking myself -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What made you want to have an affair and risk destroying your marriage and hurting your husband this way? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn't want to have an affair, but it happened and now I'm searching inside myself for an answer to why.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did you feel guilt when you were having the affair and was it short or long term. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was a one night stand in a town thousands of miles away with someone neither one of us has ever met before. Sounds more and more stupid every time I think about it. I was alone with him for maybe an hour (although he was the host of a party I had been attending for several hours.)The guilt hit immediately following the action. Then, for some odd reason other than maybe trying to make myself feel better, I exchanged emails with him. When I look back now, I don't even remember the words in the emails as my own.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There is just something about your post that makes me feel that if someone like you had an affair then everybody is at risk at having an affair </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've done something I promised myself and my husband I would never do! And I made that promise in all honesty. I think the reality is that we're all human, and unless we're guarding ourselves against this kind of mistake, anyone could fall prey to it. I keep remembering what I've heard said, that every day you have to recommit yourself to your marriage. Here I am asking him to forgive me and trust me again, when I'm not sure how to forgive and trust myself.

I appreciate the questions. Thinking the answers through and writing them down is helping me sort things out in my head!

Not to excuse what you did, but did you drink alcohol at the party? I ask you this because alcohol lowers people's inhibitions and has been known to cause people to behave in ways they would normally not even dream of behaving while sober. This is more so if there are psychological issues that tend to come up while drunk. My maternal grandfather was a nice, quiet and respectful man when he was sober BUT watchout when he got drunk because he would turn into a vicious, loudmouth, and disrespectful obnoxious man, sort of like Dr Jekill and Mr Hyde. This can happen even when there are no serious psychological issues, for example there is one lady here who had two drunken ONS with her H's BF when her H literally put her and his BF in the same bed together, and she (like you) is remorseful for her actions. She has acknowledged that if it weren't for the alcohol, she most likely would not have had her ONS. It's very possible that if you had been having some heavy stress in your marriage due in part to your 4 kids, which combined with heavy alcohol consumption on your part, MAY have made you extremely susceptible to the sexual advances of the OM. If any of what I said here rings true for you, then you'd be wise to get treatment for alcoholic dependency.

<small>[ June 26, 2003, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

My advice to you is to get tested for STDs just in case.