We will have be married 14 years next month on July 15. How do I get my W to open up and tell me her emotions and feelings? She has never been one to do this so when I found out on Dec 23rd she was having an EA, I started doubting who I am and how much do I really understand about people. This is a crucial thing for me because as a National Account rep in the financial industry, reading people and their actions in a board room is what separates me from the rest. I pick up on every detail of people’s actions. After D-Day I started second guessing myself and my actions. I am told by everyone and I mean everyone I meet and know that I am the easiest person to talk to in the world. So why can my own w not talk to me?

This probably goes back for years but our conversations about the horror we are putting each other through start in October when she thought I was cheating on her because of when I was out of town she went to go on the internet and when she opened my email account she saw 100's of spam emails from every nasty group and dating service on the planet. While I was out of town she moved out with the girls and never told me about it. She would stay at the house till I called to tell my girls and her I loved them and goodnight then she went to her mommas to sleep. I found out when my best friend was at the airport picking me up. He told me she just told him 1 hour before and to go pick me up.Well of course I lost it and told her to meet me at the house and show me what the hell she was talking about. She only agreed if my friend was going to stay too. (She had never heard my voice that mad and was scared, I will give her that I was furious but I would have or could have never hit her or anyone else I have a relationship with, violence in a relationship is not tolerated by me and she knows this. My mom is a councilor for battered women and has over 5000 hours in voluntary time for the battered woman’s hotline and shelter. I have heard and seen too much from her and when I go to the shelter and fix a sink or help move some furniture around.)Well when I seen what she was talking about I almost laughed. She does not surf the net and know what spam mail is. I am always asking for more information and have setup a dummy email address I put down as my contact email address. It gets everything from dating service emails to porn emails and just about everything else. She never knew to switch profiles and look at the email address she knows. She looked at one that literally has had 1 email sent from it in 2 years of history in it. She still thought I could have cheated but told me she has doubts that I did and she said she wants some things to change before she will come home. I listened without saying a word and everything she said she was feeling I understood how my actions would have caused that so I stopped doing them. What she told me were a bunch of little things that I had been doing for years but she never told me they bothered her so I did not know to stop doing them.

I went out of town 3 more times from October to x-mas with the wonder of will they be home when I get there. Then on Dec 23 I was online paying her mobile bill. (in my name) And saw a link that said ‘recent activity’. My dumb self hit it. I saw phone calls she had made just 30 minutes before when she left to go x-mas shopping. I did not recognize the last numbers listed. I then got curious and looked how many times that number was called and it was a lot. I looked up the number and it was her boss’s house number and his mobile number. I called her and asked her about it and she denied even calling him. I packed up and was ready to move and told her that I was moving out. She came straight home from “shopping” and told me she thought I would be upset for her having him as a friend. I thought that was weird because half my friends that I talk to are women. Most I have known since HS or college but there is 1 that is not, she is someone I met through work and her and her husband have became close friends, her more than him but we all would go out together a lot. They were the couple we picked to go with us when my w won a trip to London for the 1st Harry Potter movie off a soda cap. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided to stay.

I a week or so later I received the detail billing I requested for the prior three months. I found that she had called her boss every night I was out of town after she was normally asleep and she also called him any time she went out shopping or with a friend to diner and I mean within minutes. When I asked her about the calls this time, I was not mad and I was showing her I cared for her but I was concerned about the friendship as she called it. She said they were only friends and I was being critical of her.

4 days later when I asked her “what is wrong? What do I need to do to make you happy?” she said I want a D. That will make me happy. I called her some names that day that I still do not want to take back. I still mean them. I thought she cheated when she thought I did in October. I had even told her that before I found out about the calls to her boss. She had been acting different and I could tell. It was like she was feeling guilty but angry at the same time. She told me that she had tried all she can and she will not try anymore. I asked her to tell me what I have done wrong and how can you do this to me and the girls? She said she still thought I had cheated and that she should not have came back last October. I asked her to go with me the next day and I will setup a polygraph test. I did and she gave the questions to the examiner and I passed with flying colors.

When the D-day happened I was floored. I have always asked my W when I saw her upset the question “what can I do to make you happy?” I meant it and she even told a marriage councilor she knows I did mean it. This is why I am so confused about her actions. She knows I would change anything I was doing if my actions were causing her to feel bad or upset. I believe that if someone tells you their feelings there is no right or wrong they are someone’s feelings.

After 2 months of the cold shoulder and no effort from her to even want to try, I moved out. During the 2 months I always thought she was having or had a PA with someone. I did something I am not proud of but I did it and can not take it back now. I put a recorder on my house line. About 3 weeks after I moved out I remembered it and went after it. I did not listen to it for almost 2 months. I had never heard anything in the 4 weeks it was running before I moved out why would there be anything on that one. I thought we were going through all this because of what she said it was, years of issues built up.

Well I was wrong and she was lying to her mom and her friends about me. Basically saying I moved out she did not have anything to do with it and that I was a dead beat dad. Then the last conversation on the recorder is her telling her best friend how jealous her boss was about the blind date her friend set her up on just weeks after I moved out. I asked her how nothing could have been going on if he was jealous about the blind date you were set up on. She then told me the whole story, if I choose to believe it. She liked her boss romantically but he did not like her back. That is the reason nothing happened.

A few months have gone by and we had to start taking our eldest DD (6) to a child therapist because she is starting to show signs of the D taking its toll on her. I had to go out of town to of all places Ft. Lauderdale, so I asked my W if she wanted to go. We could drive the 10 hours and spend a day or two and stop by Disneyworld and spend the weekend there with the girls. (We had been talking better at that point) Well 2 days before I was to leave she backed out because she did not want to confuse the girls. I changed my rental from a family car to a brand new convertible t-bird and went to the beach alone. She called me at 2 am while I was driving there to make sure I was OK. I just hung up and I hung up anytime she called me that the words the girls were not said within 2 minutes of saying hello. I had a lot of fun because the coworkers I have in the Ft. Lauderdale area really care about me and made sure I was never bored or had a chance to get depressed. Then I come home.

Why my W did not want to go was she was moving out of our house and into 2 rooms her brothers had built in her mom’s basement. She could not afford the house alone and when she finally told me about it, there was no way to catch it up. She had not paid one utility in the 3 months since I moved out or had she paid one mortgage payment. The house was about to be out in foreclosure. We hade a Dalmatian for 12 years and since her mom does not like him and I could not take him she had him put to sleep and moved in with her mom. Her mom told me it was to get away from me even though the only time I would even go down the street my W asked me to come cut the grass or pickup my kids. I never followed her or called her a lot. I did not need the pain that would have put on me. So she was telling more lies.

Well I kept foreclosure from happening but I could not pay my apartment, back mortgage and utilities at both places. I put the house on the market just under market value and it sold within 5 days.

I have been disgusted and now I am mad at her ever since I got back from FL. She makes a great income. (around 40) I have the girls 50% of the time. The deal we have worked up is 50% of all bills and clothing is what I pay and I do not pay her I pay day care directly. I keep up the medical because my company has 1900 employees so it is much cheaper for me. But I never added her bills up and when I did she has only 300 left to put toward any apartment or utilities. She says the move to her moms is only for a few months so being the smart %*^ I am, I asked her so is that when you are moving in with your boss. She told me very loudly that she did not have a PA or a EA with him. You can not have an A if it is one sided, he does not like me and never has. He told me a month ago to stop calling him.

I asked her does it ever matter to the one being cheated on what the feelings of the other person are. The cut is the same and I still hurt like something happened. This was 3 days ago. She told me that she never thought about it that way and can totally understand why I feel that way. But she is still closed off but there is a crack now in the armour.
Are there any suggestions from anyone about my situation from anyone other than run fast and far? I am close but not ready to throw in the towel yet.

Have you read about Plan A and Plan B on the website? These can be very helpful in getting things back (but not foolproof, it takes two). Perhaps a time where you can begin to ask her what needs you did not fulfill in the M and begin to fulfill those needs. There are questionnaires and suggestions on how to do this.

It sounds like she has held resentment about the M for a long time, but has not with honest with you about what she needed. She would rather give up than raise her concerns. Is she a conflict avoider? And it will be hard for her to let you know what you can do to fulfill her needs.

There is also the possibility that she has been seeking outside sources for her needs fulfillment (and maybe not just her boss, since it sounds like friends are willing to send her out on blind dates). She sounds secretive, and has been living a secret life, where you are the bad guy. Is it time to fill her in on reality? You both have a M and both have made mistakes, and can both work on those mistakes together...but I wouldn't invite her back without some major work on both your parts.

Here's the most pertinent question I can ask wag...and I'm not being a smart [censored].

When are you going to stop doing all the wrong things, and messing around with this forum....and call Steve Harley to get on the right track?

I think you're running out of time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />