The only reason my H told me of his 7+ year affair with 1 woman(!) is because I had found out that he had lost his job that day. He Failed the drug test. He had been smoking pot with her and playing Russian Roulette with his job all that time. He told me he would have NEVER admitted to if he still had his job. I had been questioning him from the beginning about his relationship with HER. ("they were just friends. She was his friend's sister.How could I accuse him") He looked my right in the eyes and Lied to me...over and over again. Please someone tell me how do I get over the betrayal. He was leading 2 seperate lives. And I got the sh***y one. She got the best of him. I can not believe that I have not kicked him out. I have no answer as to why he is still living here. Am I NUTS??

Dear Heartbroken
I could have written your post. Our stories sound near on identical except im my case it was my best friend, not her sister.

You must be feeling wretched right now. I would imagine you are in shock and disbelief as well as intense grief and anger at times all going round in circles.

I think you can't do much other than survive in this early stage. You don't have to make any life changing decisions right now. These are better left until you have taken it all in and had a chance to think about it.

I really feel for you. Unfortunately I can really almost feel the grief for you. Important things that helped me

Eat (even if you have to force yourself)
Sleep (even if you need to visit a doctor and get a prescription to help you)
Find someone to talk to (I tried to hold it all in but eventually felt so much better when I did open up to friends and most were really supportive, however some will try and force their views on you, just remember until you have faced something you don't know how you will react to something.... Do what is right fir you, you are the one living your life, only you know what that is.)
If you can see a counselor. They really do help.
If you feel very sad or start thinking crazy ending life thoughts GET HELP see a doctor, get someone to stay with you if you feel like this.
I ended up taking antidepressant for a while (Not anymore)

You have found this site. That is a bonus and a great help. You will see references to books. Get them and read them. They help. They help you understand what you are feeling as well as the mechanics of the affair and the recovery whether that be with or without you husband.

On a brighter note. I am still with my husband and marriage has improved. I still struggle with things (my insecurities, trust issues etc) and it has not all been smooth sailing, in fact it has been a rollercoaster, bloody hard work in fact.
But it is possible to recover after a long term affair.

Good luck I will check on you to see how you are doing. I am having a lot of problems posting as I haven't been active for a while. So I hope this works.

Regards
Confused and scared

Our stories ARE nearly identical. Thank you so much for the advice...I have already implemented your suggestions but it is good to hear them from someone who has been there. Thanks for giving me hope. I know it will be a long bumpy road.
Believe me all my friends think I am nuts for letting him stay but I still love him. I actually think we will be much better off as a couple and individualy after we work thru this. I have purchased 3 of Haley's books and some others. My H is actually reading them. LOL
keep in touch and thank you so much for responding.

I am the wayward wife in my marriage.

Definitely don't rush to make any decisions - my affair has gone on for 5 or 6 years (1 person) and I am ready to let him go. (Probably would have been a lot sooner over if my husband would confront me instead of just pretending he doesn't know anything). Sometimes it just takes alot of pressure for someone to realize it should end. Find some shred of joy in the fact that your husband lost his job: after all, now you have a chance. You didn't have one before when you weren't for sure. YOu had nothing to gamble with...now you know. The truth shall set you free. Now you have a way of holding him accountable.

Good luck

Dear Jaref,

Thank you so much for yor reply.
You said,
"The truth shall set you free. Now you have a way of holding him accountable."

It was such a relief when he finially admitted the truth. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what it was. I WASN'T crazy like he made me out to be. Now I know what I am fighting. Before it didn't have a name, only a feeling that something was very wrong.
I have one question for you...my husband has no answer for it. How does an affair go on for years and years? It is such very long time.
When I asked for a divorce 3 years ago, he said NO. He was happy with things the way they were. OF Course he was. He had his cake and ate it too.
Believe me he is Very accountable for ALL of his actions now.
Thanks again.
HeartBroken26

Dear Heartbroken
I too felt relief when I discovered affair. I too had felt I was going crazy when I knew something was up with our relationship and he kept telling me it was all in my head. That love was not like a movie, when I would ask him what was wrong and why he was so distant and we seemed so far apart.

We had even been in counseling after I had decided that I would leave him and like Your H he had begged me to stay. That he loved me and convinced me that it was all in my head. It makes you feel like you are going crazy. I felt relieved when I found out later that I had not imagined there was something wrong and that I was not crazy or wrong. I found out later that he had told the OW that he had tried to leave me and I had demanded coulnseling. That was a lie as indeed I had wanted to leave him and he had begged me to go to counseling with him. How confusing is that. I guess his actions after DDAy are in keeping with the fact that he never intended to leave me as suddenly she seemed to mean very little to him and stayed here. I guess he was just stringing her along. That knowledge of his character is hard to deal with. I had to relearn to love him for the man he is, not the man I thought he was.

I did feel some hope after I found out that at least with the truth that there was hope for our relationship. How could we have ever had a good relationship while I didn't even know who he was or what I was dealing with.

How are you doing anyway. Is it alright at home. I am glad your H is reading the books. While mine has participated in counseling, one of the sore pount we had was his relactance to read any of the literature recommended to us. Your husband seems to be willing to do the work and attitude seems to be in the right direction.

How does it go on so long. Mine said it was like he had dug himself into a hole and didn't know how to extricate himself from it. I am sure he had deep feelings for her and know he struggled with whether to leave me for her. It is not nice to know this. He says he thought he loved her but realised as soon as I knew, he realised that it was not love as he didn't care less about losing her, but couldn't face the thought of losing me. He said that it was like he had separated that part of his life, and that he had convinced himself that that was ok as they were not connected. Warped thinking I know. I think he also felt responsible for her, after all she gave a lot of her life to him, has aged like the rest of us and obviously ended up hurt. I don't like these facts, but that is the reality.

It is hard to rebuild as trust is so destroyed when you have been lied to for so long. In addition I was not confident of my ability to know when he was lying when I realised how long I had been deceived and how many times when things had not added up I had overlooked them. I felt very naive. Part of forgiveness has been forgiving myself fo that. One problem we have faced is his habit of lying and keeping things from me. This is hard to break. I don't mean about the affair, I mean if a move was on the horizon (he is in the navy) kepping it from me until the last minute. He is finaly now telling me these sort of things right away. I guess he keeps hard thing to himself to try and protect me, which only destroys trust in the end. He is realising this now.

I hope you get into some counseling. It is so hard to deal with this alone. Good luck and keep posting.
C&S

WOW. I can't believe that I have found someone who has thought the same thoughts and had the same feelings as myself! Our Hs sound very much alike also.
yes I am getting counseling. My H and 2 sons are also.
I have known him over half of my live, yet I didn't know him at all. How could the man i love, the father of my children DO THAT to us???
It is hard trying to love the 'real' man that he is. Fortunately the Old H is coming back. We have talked so much and worked thru so much in the last month. I believe he won't do it again and I am doing my best to meet his emotional needs. And he tries to meet mine.
It is just that forgetting might be next to impossible. I know she will be a shadow lurking over our marriage for as long as it lasts.
My H thought the only way out of his mess (before D-Day) was to commit sucide. he couldnt bring himself to leave her or myself. Thankfully we are over that.
More later,
HB26