We're all looking desparately for hope that true love does return. During a haircut yesterday, I weakened and began to pine to Milly (the stylist) about my situation - wife out of love, wife changing dramatically into someone new, other men, distant and astranged from the family, only interested in leaving the house, etc. And here's the synopsis of what Milly said:<BR>*********************************************<P>She's been married 23 years, only one man. <P>About 17 years ago, or 6-7 years into the marriage, she wore down from all her giving and not receiving and his taking the marriage (her) for granted. She hooked up with an old boyfriend, suddenly changed dramatically from who she had been, and left her husband. Milly says that at that time she was no longer "in love" with her H, in fact she says that there were no feeling for him what-so-ever - it was all gone. She asked for a divorce and was dead serious. <P>Like most of us big headed men, her H was caught totally by surprise, not having known that any thing was wrong (Milly started to get really agitated at this point in telling me the story). She was mad that he said he had no idea, when she had been telling him all along. <P>He found her (at her sisters), began to beg AND LISTEN for the first time. Many weeks went by and he was persistent. Milly wanted the marriage to work, but didn't know if she could trust him to be a equal partner given the past. Then there was also the old boyfriend now. She decided to give the marriage another try, and set a period of 1 - 2 years to see if things would really be different. <P>They have been different ever since. H now does all the cooking (she says she was bad at it), they go where she wants to eat and he's always considerate of her ideas and desires relative to his, whenever she goes through one of her "I'm changing" modes (and she says there have been several), he has learned to ride the wave and not challenge or be critical of it (like cutting her hair short when he likes it long, or her wanting to get a "nose" job {he gave her $5,000 and told her she could go shopping with it or have the nose job - she chose shopping that day).<P>Best of all, Milly confirms that she loves her husband dearly. Yet she says that love takes different shapes at different stages of any relationship. Her love came back, because he worked at it. I asked her if she thinks about her husband while she works - she said No, but that means nothing relative to the strength of the relationship and love. <P>That was 17 years ago. She never told about the old boyfriend. And even now she confesses that she's been thinking about the old boyfriend again (but won't do anything about it - Milly says that we all have fantasies and that's normal). She takes much pride today in the thought that "I totally changed my husband" (that kind of scares me!).<P>Alas, Milly's saga may not be totally over. Turns out her husband likes dogs - and has six of them. For 23 years she's been telling him that she hates dogs. Now she's finally had it on this issue also, and has once again told him that she's leaving at the end of the year unless the dogs go (or at least four of the six must go). I guess in this area again, he hasn't been listening.<P>So, an old boyfriend, not getting emotional needs met, pint up anger, fallen totally out of love, demanding a divorce, moving out of the house for a long period of time --<BR>that was 17 years ago and they are living happily ever after (except for the dog thing).<P>We can do it too.

"Success" at what cost?!?!<P>"Milly" sounds like a dictatorial control-freak. Demanding that her husband do this or do that, or she'll leave. IME & IMO ultimatums are a dangerous and unwise thing... Ultimatums backfire far more often than they work...<P>How has "Milly" compromised? It sounds like her husband has been bent to the will of a domineering and tyrannical person. <P>I feel sorry for "Milly's" husband and see it not as a "success" story but rather as a story of a long-term emotionally and mentally abusive relationship... That's so sad!<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

I wished that a successful marriage was that "easy". But unfortunatley, the other spouse has to change and be willing to do it. Mine isn't. I am not even sure I want him to really change, I was pretty darn happy with our life. But anyway, congrats for Milly, her H really loved her and she had to have loved him to listen to all of his begging. My H simply hung up when I did that. Guess there was no love there HUH.

I have to agree with Elixir, this doesn't sound like a success story. It sounds more like a master/subordinate relationship. While compromise and meeting your spouses needs are fine, there has to be a limit. I posted here a couple of days ago about this very subject, my wife, the betrayer, says that she loves me, but is not "in-love" with me. We are working towards rebuilding those feelings, but during the process, I have felt the part of Milly's husband, where I do all the work and she just sits back. Well once I saw what was going on, I pointed this out to my wife stating that I will do all that I can to meet her needs, but that I have some needs as well and that our relationship must be a two way street or I'm the one that will be doing the "walking". She agreed that she has not been doing all that she could and has agreed to work harder. We are by no means out of the woods, we have alot of hard, hard work ahead of us, but it must be an "US", and not just a me or a her. I don't know if this example is a success story, it doesn't sound like one, but that is just my opinion.