My H and I have been married for 37 year and have 2 children, 1 is 34 and the other is 24. My H is in the medical profession, so he should'nt be an idiot. I found out about a month ago that he is having an affair with one of his patients that is 27 years old, he is 60 and I'm 55. I could kind of deal with an affair, but this OG is a big drug user, with Heroin as her choice of drugs. She has a 10 year old son, and as soon as he goes to bed she and her 5 roommates start on the drugs. My H has admitted that he has done drugs with her a couple of times, but was not specific as to what drugs he did with her. When I found out about the affair, I asked him to promise not to call her or see her again. He stated that he couldn't do that, so I asked him to pack his clothes and leave the house. Our marrige for the past 10 years has been horrible, he became withdrawn and secretive towards me. I started to see a psycologist about 9 years ago and went into therapy for awhile. The therapist aske if my H would also come for some marriage counseling, he didn't want to go, but he did. He was very negative about the marriage counseling and stopped going when the therapist told him he was not trying to make the marriage any better and I asked if he was having an affair. He replied in the negative, but I never truly believed him. I continued with the therapist until she finally told me I had to make a decision. I asked my H if he wanted a divorce and he responded in the negative. So for 9 years he has shut me out emotionally. My H is in therapy to see why he had this affair with a person younger than one of his children. I've asked him if he want to start marriage counseling and his answer is he needs some time with his therapist to find himself. How much time should I give him. My feeling is if he can't make up his mind what he wants in 2 months, that I should file for divorce and start on a new road and let him figure out his problem. Life is to short at our age, for me to wait around and let him make a desicion on his terms. My H and I are seeing seperate therapists at this time. I did see his therapist as I guess a precursor to marriage counseling. She asked me when I would be ready for that, I told her that I was ready now, but that my H had told me it was up to his therapist to make the decision. Her comment was, he was once again trying to pass the responsibility for his act on to someone else. Am I wrong feeling like I should just give him a total of 2 months to make up his mind and then I should make the move and file for divorce?

From own experience which is very similar to yours. I would guess that he has had one or more affairs during the last ten years. Don't make any decisions right now. 2 months might not be long enough. Anyway, I have been told that "I will know when the time is right" to end the marriage. That also applies to you.
If he can not take full responsibity for his own/your recovery (by letting the therapist decide) then I see little hope for your marriage.
HeartBroken26

Thank you for a reply. My H has always had trouble accepting respondibilities for anything that went wrong in his life, he always found someone else to blame his problems on. Once I found out about this affair, a couple of weeks later he asked me if I was willing to accept the responsibility for him having the affair. I told him absolutely not, but I would accept maybe not trying harder during the 10 years to make the marriage better. I told his therapist this and she said that I knew him very well, that he wants her to be the bad guy and make the choice when she thinks that we should start joint counseling. He isn't being honest, but why would I expect him to be honest, as to whether he has ended his affair. At this point I think that several of his co workers have told him that his girlfriend is just after his money to support her drug habit and is perhaps is drawing him into her type of life style. His excuse for this affair is that he wanted to help her, and just became too personally involved. A part of me wants to say this marriage may work, but a bigger part of me say, that I will never be able to trust him agin. I have asked him to go to mediation to obtain a legal seperation, so that if he is getting into the drug scene, his debts won't ber mine. Am I still to bitter to make these descisions or am I trying to rush him to make some kind of a desicion. I just feel that I'm impowering him to do things in his own time frame.
Deama

Deana2...sorry that you are facing this, but this is a wonderful site in which to find valuable information and emotional support.

As for the "two months"...that is really a short time, althou, I am sure it seems as if it's been forever for you. It really depends on what for you is "enough" or a dealbreaker. I normally always tell those who ask about seeking a divorce to wait for a period of time until they have their emotional control somewhat back in their hands. Those decisions we make in the middle of all the pain, anger, etc. which come from discovery of a betrayal are often not those in our best long term interests.

HOWEVER...if you and your H have been sexually active since he began this affair...please be checked out for STD's by your personal doctor. This is a subject which we all would like to ignore, but even without the drug abuse it must be faced...in your case...even more so. Since you are married to a medical professional, I am sure this is something that you already know.

You stated that your marriage has been "horrible" for the last ten years, I believe I would explore why you have stayed in a marriage for that length of time when you describe it as such. Hopefully, your IC will help you in self-discovery and you'll understand why you've choosen some of the options you've choosen in your life.

Many marriages are worth saving, even when hit with betrayal, some are not. Only you can decide if you wish to attempt to rebuild a new and improved marriage with your H (and if he is willing to do the same) or if you've reached a point where for you...it is over.

I am never one of the best repliers to those who are forced to deal with an on-going affair or a spouse who is fence sitting...as I am very hard-nosed about that as they are dealbreakers for me. But, each individual must do what they feel is best for them to do in their own situation. Whatever you decide...we will support you in your decision. These are your emotions and this is your life...you deserve to be happy in it.

btw...it wouldn't hurt to TALK to a good lawyer and find out what your legal rights and obligations are under your state laws...rather you later seek a divorce/separation or not. It's always good to know 'what is what' before you are faced with having to know it.

Also, if you and your H choose to try to rebuild, then be very careful of the MC you pick. You need one who is pro-marriage and willing to work on the issues of the marriage. Many MC are now more divorce counselors then marriage. So beware. A good counselor is worth their weight in gold, a bad one is worse then no counselor at all.

Good Luck!

I agree with Wifey, You difinitly need to see a lawyer. You need to think about your future...finances,retirement, etc. After that many years of marriage there is probably a lot of money involved. Get a lawyer quickly and protect YOURSELF. He isn't going to!
HeartBroken26

I am so sorry for the pain this is causing you.
I understand it, as I was married as long as you are too..

I want to tell you to go get a lawyer.

I am concerned for you, because it was a battle to get what I had coming to me..my health was destroyed and I did not know it at the time of our
divorce/separation..

but make sure he does not clean out the bank accounts and your retirement because mine closed it all out, and had outstanding checks etc..and both are responsible..if both are on an account..

I hope he is not supplying the people with drugs..because..he will loose his license and also end up in jail..but
DRUGS MAKE PEOPLE STUPID

where the drugs are and people are I imagine there are sexploits going on to.

do you really want him? do you want to stay in a relationship with a person who has showed no respect for you or your family?

you have put up with it too long, and he is into his drugs and it is hard to make anyone stop, unless they want to stop..

if you talk to him while he is high or loaded..he will agree with you...but then he will deny he promised anything..

when people are high, loaded..they will tell you, HERE you can have my house or whatever..they will sell their child for drugs..or things..

please get into alanon for you and your children are mature adults and need to go to.

IF he was to clean up. he would need to go to a center..and the insurance company will pay for it..IT IS going to make it embarrasing for all..
but then it is good..like a boil getting lanced..please have him consider getting professional help cause then he will also get councelling..

if he was in the service he is entitled to go to A VA hospital and they have on floor at each facility to take care of them...they can leave any time they want..but he needs help for his addiction and it means giving them those people up.
also he needs to give the girl up as a patient..
IT is against the law for him to be seeing her..

we had a case here where the sleep clinic doctor was dating his patient and he got in big trouble they named him and her in the paper and it was front lines..there won't be any hiding it once it gets out..so it might be good to suggest it is costing him his familys respect and soon the community will know if he keeps this up..

hugs for you & know I am praying for you...
If you have a son maybe he can talk some sense into him..I am sure it would be better to take care of it privatley for the family...because I am sure she won't go away on her own..she is probably dependent on him for her drugs..

Keep on keeping on..

stupid is a terrible way to live..
I would not want to think it might be my doctor.
because the influence of drugs dulls his decisions..it affects the patient..

can you call somene for hubby to have a blood work done or urine? to satisfy you if he says he will go straight.??
be careful.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 01:26 AM: Message edited by: SadEyes ]</small>

Thank you for all of the good advice. I have seen an attorney and she suggested that I approach my H about going to mediation for a legal seperation. I gave this info to him, but he has done nothing about it. I know 2 months is a short time, but if he doesn't have an inkling of what he wants. I feel that I need to protect my self legally. Since he will not move on to a legal seperation with a mediator, It looks like I will have to go back to my attorney and do it through the courts. My question is do I just do it, or should I give him some warning that I will be doing this since he doesn't want to make any desicions or take any responsibilities? It looks like he wants every thing done in his time frame.

Appreciate your advice

Deana2,

how sad we meet here, but how happy, too, b/c this is a good place, filled with wonderful experienced people who offer us their knowledge in hope we can learn and make our decisions on our marriages.

my M will be 35 yrs in aug..if we last that long. i have posted here since feb and if you want, you can read them under my name Simmy. JustaWifey and Ammon are my major guides, my angels of mercy who lift me up and lead me along this rocky road.

H projects his blame onto me as well as his shame, his guilt, his anger. he blames me for his mother knowing, his sisters, his brothers, his nieces and nephews, our daughters...i reply, well what would there be to know if YOU didn't do anything to begin with??? he refuses counselling, or even talking to me in an attempt at resolution. he retreats into himself and sleeps whenever he IS home. depressed? probably. will he seek help? of course not. am i getting tired of all this? absolutely.

wish i could give you advice, but i can't for i remain unsure of what to do and i am 7 mos post dday. my H is 62 and i will be 60 in july, our daughters 30 and 28. the OW is 54, he claims NC since late sept/early oct 01 but others tell me differently. our life is a shambles, the stress is intolerable, i've asked him to leave over and over, he stays. like you, i've been to atty, made financial changes/provisions/etc.

but like you, the hardest change to anticipate and ultimately to do...is face the fact i may be alone, w/o the love of my life, for the rest of my life.

i'll pray for you as you too walk this road.

Simmy

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: Simmy ]</small>

Deana,
Personally, I'd be concerned about giving him advanced warning about the court issuing a legal separation because that might give him time to hide his assets. I know I'd be concerned about the drug involvement, because here in Michigan the law can confiscate all property belonging to the person caught. I read about families losing their cars, houses, etc. It doesn't matter if the rest of the family has nothing to do with the drug use.

As for "the younger woman" syndrome, I can relate to that!. My exWS was 47 years old and had an affair with a 21 year old. He has a son that's 20 years old. To top it all off the OW got pregnant by my exWS and has a 1 year old OC.

Soap Operas have nothing over some of the situations we are faced with!! Good luck in making your decisions.

Simmy, thank you for your kind thoughts. I didn't realize the old the husband got the more stupid they got. When I found out about his affair (he says there was no sex involved) I asked him to promise me that he would never speak to the OW or see her again. He told me he could'nt make that promise. At that point I told him he needed to pack his clothes and get out of the house immediately. Which he did, I've only seen him a couple of times since 5/13. Like yopur H, mine has throughout our marriage been unable to take any responsibility for anything that went wrong. He always blamed someone else. Whe he almost flunked out of dental school, it wasn't his fault, one of the instructors didn't like him, when his office manager (who he treated like family) embezzeled him for 60,000 in one year, it was not his fault that he didn't check the books, it was her fault for embezzeling him, When he loaned another doctor 15,000 and did not get any paper work on the loan and never got paid back it wasn't his fault, it was the doctors fault for not paying him back. The list goes on and on. When I discovered he was having an affair, I asked him about it and he immediatelly denied he was involved, when I showed him the emails I retreived, it wasn't his fault, I was snoopy. The latest thing is he asked me if I was ready to take responsibility for his affair, I told him he was nuts and no, it was not my responsibility. He said it was my fault because I didn't meet his emotional needs. I asked him who had shut me out, who was secretive about his bussiness dealings, who was the constant liar, who promised to do things but never got around to the, would rather watch TV, and who could not live in reality but lived on internet porn sites. He didn't like facing this reality and his visit terminated immediately. I know it's only been 2 months since I asked him to move out, but as I reflect back on the marriage (37 yrs) I don't think that I want to go back to go back to this kind of a marriage. He says he isn't seeing the OW, but she still calls him and he takes her calls, so as far as I'm concerned the affair is not over. But knowing him like I do, he will not be able to end the affair, because he avoind conflict at all costs. If what he says is true (why should I belive him), he probably home that the OW will just lose intrest in him. He is seeing a therapist and I'm seeing my own. I'm almost past my anger, I just think he is a stupid person. I'm going to give it a couple of weeks and if he has not made a move towards anykind of reconcilliation, I'm off to the attorney to file for a divorce. I'm not going to sit on the picket fence waiting for him to try and make a decision, in the past most of his decisions were not good ones anyway. As far as being alone, there are plenty of places where you can meet someone for companionship, you don't have to feel alone.

deana2

Good luck Deana2. As you know we are all here to give you the support you need. We are all in the same boat. You should read up on Plan B. I think that is where your relationship is right now.
HeartBroken26

My wandering spouse is staying with his cousin and her new husband( he says he can't afford to get his own place) I don't think he would move in with the OW because she has a 10 year old son and 5 or 6 other roommates (all are guys except 1 girl) They're nightly ritual is put the kid to bed at 9:00 and the start doing drugs as soon as he is asleep. Any way, his cousin and her new husband are away on their honeymoon for 10 days and my WS has asked me not to have any contact with him during this period because it will give him time to think and see what it's like living alone. I'm in our house, he is still paying all of the bills. His excuse for not seeing a counciler togather, is that he needs to get himself straightend out before he can think of any reconcilliation. He says that he just doesn't know if he could go back to the marriage the way it was. Doesn't bother to ask how miserable the marriage was for me too. I feel like I'm just sitting on a fence post waiting for him to call the shots. I went to see an attorney and she advised me to talk to my WS about seeing a mediator about a legal seperation. He refuses to give up any information regarding the business, properties or his income (he has alwaays been secretive about this). I'm wondering if I should skip the mediator and just go to the attorney and have her draw up the divorce papers. At that point he will have no choice but to hand this information over. He has been out of the house for 2 months and still gets angry when he has to talk to me. Any advice on what my next move should be? We are both seeing individual counsilors.

Was it Harley who said that drug use is a "deal breaker?" It is time for you to make your move. It seems he has made his choice...drugs and her.
Do not talk to him anymore. Use a mutual friend to communicate with him. I don't know where you are from but in Calif. a seperation almost costs as much as a divorce. A divorce takes 6 months and one day to be final. Plenty of time to change your mind. Forget the mediator!!!! Seems it has been no help to you.
Get a lawyer and protect yourself.
HeartBroken26

Heartbroken, thank you for your reply. I haven't spoken to WS in a week. If I need to contact him I send a fax to him at work and it's strictly business. The contractors are due to lay some new flooring and refinish the wood floors in the house on the 14th of July. I think I'll wait until this is done so that he will still have to pay for it. As soon as that's done, about a week, I will take your advice and contact my lawyer about a divorce. WS says that the affair is over and he only did drugs with her a couple of times, but that is still to much for me. He has been out of the house for almost 2 months and has not made any attempt at reconciliation. I've read some of the other posts and I get the impression that 2 months is not long enough to let him get his head togather, but I don't want to sit in la la land waiting for him. Your advice seems appropriate in my case.

Deana2,
If he has made no attempt at reconsiliation, I would say that he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. Do you want to live like that?
I by no means have the answers to our questions.
I just take it one day at a time and thank God that my H is working on it with me. Every day is a struggle.
Maybe asking for a divorce will force him to see what he is really missing and how MUCH it will cost him. Do what ever it takes to wake him up.
HB26

Deana2,

your reply to me on June 30, gave me much food for thought. many comments were right on the mark. WHO does want to continue in a marriage that's riddled w/bad memories, inconsistencies, nontruths, etc? Although my H was a very good father to our daughters, he did control control control, especially me.

please keep posting.

Simmy