I already have a posting but I thought since it had been awhile I would write a new one.

It has been almost 5 months since I found out about mu husband's A. I still hurt everyday, I have to say some days are better than others, but the hurt is still there even on the good days. I have asked every question I can think of because I felt like I needed to know everything. I have talked to the OW and her husband. I have prayed. All of this and I still feel humilated, disrespected, hurt, ashamed, mad, and most of all miserable.

A quick review we seperated in September, he started the affair in August and I found out about it in February. One thing I am thankful for is that he left and wasn't continuing this while living with me. The ironic thing is that we met on a Wednesday night to discuss what our divorce papers would say and I had an appointment on Friday morning. I found out on Thursday night. Why couldn't I go ahead and file? I just couldn't. He begged forgiveness and wanted to come back. His excuse for not asking to come back before was that I had always told him you cheat, you divorce, no questions asked. So he thought he had no chance with me because he knew I would eventually find out and he would rather let me divorce him than hurt me like that. Well that sounds all good but mostly I don't buy it. I am so tried of hurting and I am in my last year of college, with no job because I am in Senior Block (Elementary Education Major). God why am I the only one hurting in this triangle. And the sad part is sometimes I even want revenge, and that is not me I am not that type of person. This is turning me into someone I do not want to be. Any advise is appreciated.

Hi Pennyme,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I understand your pain. It's so difficult. And it's takes a long time to heal. Some never do heal. I found when it was done to me, it took about a year or two for the pain to go away completely, even though the memory of it still comes and goes sometimes. It's happened to me a few times, and I understand your devastation. It's the worst pain I think beside a death. The good thing is that you are praying. I hope you can get counseling too.

Have you made a decision or not to reconcile with your husband? Or are you just waiting on it right now? I know it's difficult to make such a big decision. That is something only you know if you could do. If you feel the marriage is worth working on. I feel so angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> when the other comes back, the A doesn't work out, then expect you to go back. It's not that easy is it. Because the feeling of betrayal is so strong, as it is, and the untrust gets overwhelming. It makes you wonder in the back of your mind if he'll do it again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , if he's really sorry, or the other woman just dumped him, so he's looking for you to run back to now. Just make sure if he is sincere in his heart. Ask him lots of questions, so you can really know where his heart is, and then ask God for discernment. And don't make a hasty decision, that's really all the advice I could give you, beside reading all the material here at MB would be very helpful.

I think revengeful feelings are normal, that you probably want him to hurt as much as you do. As long as you don't commit a revenge you'll be alright. If he is a man with feelings, he will go through the pain inside for what he has done, without you having to do anything.

(((hugs of healing))) Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Hi pennyme I will talk to you here too you cant get rid of me.

I hate cheaters always have always will but I too have had thoughts of revenge I think things like "I want him to feel this pain,Iwant someone to make me feel special like he made her feel and she made him feel,I want that feeling of falling in love its the greatest feeling in the world" I think all those things but deep down I know I can not become a cheater it wont solve anything.

I can't tell you when it will go away I don't know but you are not alone I hurt everyday too.She doesn't live down the street like in your case but let me tell you the things I deal with on a daily basis that remind me of the A every day I think they call them triggers:

1.She has a really common name I hear it and see it everyday at work her name is part of product line where I work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
2.Her screen name was Ariel,thats a name of lipstick I stock at work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
3.All the jewelry I check in for my department comes from her state. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
4.Her baby and my D baby are the same age so everytime I see my D baby I think that my H was going to leave me and help her raise her child and he never even helped me with our kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
5.He met her on the internet every time I see him on the computer I think of him and her chating and thier little love letters to each other(I found a few and boy what a sweet talker my H was to her) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I could go on but I won't Pennyme you are not alone at least you have school to focus on right now I have nothing just my job but it is pretty low stress PTL I don't think I could handle anything more right now.

Take care.
I just reread what I wrote I don't think I was any help to you but thanks for letting me get all that of my chest.
Order SAA it really is a good book and it does help.

Yes, he is back home and mostly I think he is sincere, I just don't see how they could end things so fast if they realy cared about each other. He answers all of my questions and sometimes I feel like I know to many details. As I said with her living so close and working with him I think it will be double hard for me to get over this. He pays everyday by living with me and seeing the hell I go through but I wonder if she will ever hurt like this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ladysheep:
<strong>Hi Pennyme,

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I understand your pain. It's so difficult. And it's takes a long time to heal. Some never do heal. I found when it was done to me, it took about a year or two for the pain to go away completely, even though the memory of it still comes and goes sometimes. It's happened to me a few times, and I understand your devastation. It's the worst pain I think beside a death. The good thing is that you are praying. I hope you can get counseling too.

Have you made a decision or not to reconcile with your husband? Or are you just waiting on it right now? I know it's difficult to make such a big decision. That is something only you know if you could do. If you feel the marriage is worth working on. I feel so angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> when the other comes back, the A doesn't work out, then expect you to go back. It's not that easy is it. Because the feeling of betrayal is so strong, as it is, and the untrust gets overwhelming. It makes you wonder in the back of your mind if he'll do it again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> , if he's really sorry, or the other woman just dumped him, so he's looking for you to run back to now. Just make sure if he is sincere in his heart. Ask him lots of questions, so you can really know where his heart is, and then ask God for discernment. And don't make a hasty decision, that's really all the advice I could give you, beside reading all the material here at MB would be very helpful.

I think revengeful feelings are normal, that you probably want him to hurt as much as you do. As long as you don't commit a revenge you'll be alright. If he is a man with feelings, he will go through the pain inside for what he has done, without you having to do anything.

(((hugs of healing))) Sent with Love, Ladysheep</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Yes, you are always a help. I think our problems are so much alike. As for the child the OW in my case had a 2 year old little boy, my H has always wanted a son so he was going to help her raise hers I guess. Don't get me wrong he wouldn't take anything for his girls but every man wants a son. She also has a 14 year old daughter who from what I hear is already on the wild side, my H said that was the only thing they disagreed on was that she let her daughter run wild at such a young age. Here in Mississippi most girls aren't allowed to date that young or I should say most decent girls. I look at the kind of example her mother is setting for her and I feel sorry for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hi pennyme I will talk to you here too you cant get rid of me.

I hate cheaters always have always will but I too have had thoughts of revenge I think things like "I want him to feel this pain,Iwant someone to make me feel special like he made her feel and she made him feel,I want that feeling of falling in love its the greatest feeling in the world" I think all those things but deep down I know I can not become a cheater it wont solve anything.

I can't tell you when it will go away I don't know but you are not alone I hurt everyday too.She doesn't live down the street like in your case but let me tell you the things I deal with on a daily basis that remind me of the A every day I think they call them triggers:

1.She has a really common name I hear it and see it everyday at work her name is part of product line where I work. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
2.Her screen name was Ariel,thats a name of lipstick I stock at work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
3.All the jewelry I check in for my department comes from her state. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
4.Her baby and my D baby are the same age so everytime I see my D baby I think that my H was going to leave me and help her raise her child and he never even helped me with our kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
5.He met her on the internet every time I see him on the computer I think of him and her chating and thier little love letters to each other(I found a few and boy what a sweet talker my H was to her) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I could go on but I won't Pennyme you are not alone at least you have school to focus on right now I have nothing just my job but it is pretty low stress PTL I don't think I could handle anything more right now.

Take care.
I just reread what I wrote I don't think I was any help to you but thanks for letting me get all that of my chest.
Order SAA it really is a good book and it does help.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

It is amazing how this "great love" BARF just disappears when exposed to the light of day. BUT...it happens all the time!!! While it's true that some affairs do envolve real emotions, most do not for the simple reason that they are begun in the shadows where love can't truly bloom and grow and take root in the heart. There is usually too many negative aspects, such as the hiding and the shame which are not good fertile ground in which to develop a healthy relationship of any kind. Yes, the hiding and secrets add a level of excitement, but excitement is not love.

Why is he still working where she works? It is almost impossible for the BS to truly began healing as long as there is continued contact between past affair partners. While I know that jobs right now can be very hard to come by and that he does have to put a roof over the head and food on the table...he should be actively hunting for a new position. JMHO The sooner he no longer has ANY contact with her...the better for your marriage and for YOU.

Dealing with a betrayal is one of the hardest things we may ever face. Normally in a crisis, we have those we love and who love us to turn to for support. During a betrayal, the one we most need to turn to is the one who has put us in this crisis and turning to them is almost out of the question. We feel as if we are battling this crisis alone with the added burden of looking over our shoulders to avoid another "mac truck". While the WS is also having a very hard time dealing with his/her own guilt and remorse, facing a spouse who is often not in control of their emotions and unwilling to risk their own need to trust.

Neither you or your H have choosen the easy path, you've choosen to work together and try to rebuild your marriage into one which is more honest, more loving, healtier. It's not an easy task you have begun...but it is doable.

Yes, you will have bad days, but you need to try your best to keep your focus on what is positive in the marriage.

I always say that if you AND your H would apply some of the Plan A work that it is a great guidebook on recovery in a marriage. While it is often applied to those who are dealing with an on-going affair, if BOTH BS and WS began working on themselves, focusing on the good in the marriage, not ignoring but not dwelling on the negative...it can do wonders.

Good Luck as you and your H travel your healing path.

Thanks for your response you are so right. Yes he is trying to find another position. THe problem is he works for the state with 6 years already invested. So we are hoping for a transfer to another state agency. Her and her husband both work there so they are being watched like crazy. Yeah it is amazing at how fast love can die when you get caught. I do not really believe that they were in love because if they were they would have stuck beside each other when it all came out but that wasn't the case. But it still hurts to know that he told her he loved her and planned a life knowing full well a life based on the lies and hurting of others that their relationship was based on would not have worked. He would have never trusted her not her him. But anyways stupid is as stupid does.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by just a wifey 2002:
<strong>It is amazing how this "great love" BARF just disappears when exposed to the light of day. BUT...it happens all the time!!! While it's true that some affairs do envolve real emotions, most do not for the simple reason that they are begun in the shadows where love can't truly bloom and grow and take root in the heart. There is usually too many negative aspects, such as the hiding and the shame which are not good fertile ground in which to develop a healthy relationship of any kind. Yes, the hiding and secrets add a level of excitement, but excitement is not love.

Why is he still working where she works? It is almost impossible for the BS to truly began healing as long as there is continued contact between past affair partners. While I know that jobs right now can be very hard to come by and that he does have to put a roof over the head and food on the table...he should be actively hunting for a new position. JMHO The sooner he no longer has ANY contact with her...the better for your marriage and for YOU.

Dealing with a betrayal is one of the hardest things we may ever face. Normally in a crisis, we have those we love and who love us to turn to for support. During a betrayal, the one we most need to turn to is the one who has put us in this crisis and turning to them is almost out of the question. We feel as if we are battling this crisis alone with the added burden of looking over our shoulders to avoid another "mac truck". While the WS is also having a very hard time dealing with his/her own guilt and remorse, facing a spouse who is often not in control of their emotions and unwilling to risk their own need to trust.

Neither you or your H have choosen the easy path, you've choosen to work together and try to rebuild your marriage into one which is more honest, more loving, healtier. It's not an easy task you have begun...but it is doable.

Yes, you will have bad days, but you need to try your best to keep your focus on what is positive in the marriage.

I always say that if you AND your H would apply some of the Plan A work that it is a great guidebook on recovery in a marriage. While it is often applied to those who are dealing with an on-going affair, if BOTH BS and WS began working on themselves, focusing on the good in the marriage, not ignoring but not dwelling on the negative...it can do wonders.

Good Luck as you and your H travel your healing path.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

HI Pennyme, It always amazes me how we are always on the same wave length. I was thinking this today that it was thier fantasy it hurts so much that they spoke of a future together but the reality is He would have had to pay child and spousale support to me.Probably kept up our life insurance policy I would have made sure of that and I think he would have gotten tired of her H always being there after all the baby is only a year old I don't think he would have given up his parental rights. I think after a while it just would not have been fun and they would have ended up not making it all of that along with starting out a relationship based on lies and cheating.

I had a terrible night but I am going to really try this week to stay focused on the positive.It is the abandememt that bothers me I feel like I put in all these years and he was just going to abandon me I am really having a hard time dealing with that issue.

He did a really nice thing today I had to take my son back it is a three hour drive each way and I had to work also, that ment I was up at 2:30 in the morning and he knew what a bad night I had so he took off work early to drive us.In the past he would have never done anything like this but he said he was so worried about me getting in an accident that he said the lost hours at work were nothing in comparison to my safty. That is probably one of the nicest things he has done for me latly.

Hope you have a good night talk to you soon.

That was a really nice thing to do and my husband has also taken more time off these past few months than ever before. But sometimes I wonder is it really for me or if it is because he doesn't want ot see her and her husband. And you are so right about the other. Her son is almost 2 and her daughter 14 and there is no way her husband was just going to bow out. Plus Jeff was only going to have $415.00 left of his check per month after the divorce so he would have to get a second job and he would have never trusted her because of what she did to her own husband. So that relationship was over from the get go. Of course it would have been fun for a while but not for very long I just hope he realizes that. I hope you had a good weekend with your son. Talk to you soon

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>HI Pennyme, It always amazes me how we are always on the same wave length. I was thinking this today that it was thier fantasy it hurts so much that they spoke of a future together but the reality is He would have had to pay child and spousale support to me.Probably kept up our life insurance policy I would have made sure of that and I think he would have gotten tired of her H always being there after all the baby is only a year old I don't think he would have given up his parental rights. I think after a while it just would not have been fun and they would have ended up not making it all of that along with starting out a relationship based on lies and cheating.

I had a terrible night but I am going to really try this week to stay focused on the positive.It is the abandememt that bothers me I feel like I put in all these years and he was just going to abandon me I am really having a hard time dealing with that issue.

He did a really nice thing today I had to take my son back it is a three hour drive each way and I had to work also, that ment I was up at 2:30 in the morning and he knew what a bad night I had so he took off work early to drive us.In the past he would have never done anything like this but he said he was so worried about me getting in an accident that he said the lost hours at work were nothing in comparison to my safty. That is probably one of the nicest things he has done for me latly.

Hope you have a good night talk to you soon.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Penny,
Did you get my e-mail about the instant messenger? If not let me know and I will send it again.

The weekend was fine my son is 17 so he really is more interested in girls than mom.It is just hard because of all we have been through with him,the drugs he stole from us the whole nine yards so I am so afriad of it all happening again,and then the double whammy my H A so now I will be in the same house with two people I love but do not trust I don't know if my nerves will be able to handle it.

My D and her family will be here tomorrow and I am going to keep her kids for a couple of weeks so I will be very busy but I will keep in touch.Have a good day I will check in later with you.

I/m glad you had some time with you son and I hope you enjoy your grandkids maybe they will take your mind off of things for a while. I will try to set up my instand messanger today. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hi Penny,
Did you get my e-mail about the instant messenger? If not let me know and I will send it again.

The weekend was fine my son is 17 so he really is more interested in girls than mom.It is just hard because of all we have been through with him,the drugs he stole from us the whole nine yards so I am so afriad of it all happening again,and then the double whammy my H A so now I will be in the same house with two people I love but do not trust I don't know if my nerves will be able to handle it.

My D and her family will be here tomorrow and I am going to keep her kids for a couple of weeks so I will be very busy but I will keep in touch.Have a good day I will check in later with you.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi penny,
How was your fourth? Mine not so good my H drank too much yesterday and today spoiled the time for me the sad thing is he doesnt even see it.

Today was like a flash back of when he was involved with OW I never relized until now how hard I have to try and have fun or be happy since his A. It has been a stuggle to try and act like I am enjoying myself the truth is I wanted every one to just go away so I could just be alone.

Last night my H was drunk and usually when he is like that he says really mean things to me but last night he did say some things that surprised me,he told me how sorry he was for what he did how when he thinks of what he did it makes him sick,he thanked me for giving him such a beautiful family.The sad thing is I don't know if any of it was true or not.

Tonight after the fireworks he came in and just past out on the bed I don't think he hardly said two words to me today he had to work so he was gone all day but when he got home he got right on the computer I went in and took a nap I didn't sleep well last night by the time my D came in and woke me up they were already BBQ-ing and my H was well on his way to being drunk.I had to go get some ice at the mini mart and the girl that works there asked me if my H and I were still together,I said yes why? She said just the way he acts when he comes in here gave me a feeling you weren't together.Now that really upset me and makes me wonder how he acts I know that he is a big flirt but now I am wondering what is going on.I hate all of this I just do not trust him at all I feel like my whole life has just turned out all wrong and I don't know how to fix it.

Well I will talk to you soon lets try and get the messenger thing going ok.