Hi!
I am new to Discussion but have been reading on MB for several months. Have read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving and Affair.
Found out about H EA on 02/06. Tried to make him stop all contact. He maintained a secret e-mail account and continued to see her at work. Couple months later he informed that he was still emotionally attached. Finally after the 3RD time I went to meet her at work. It was ended by the boss with no contact allowed at work.
Nothing more devestating than finding out the one you love is in love w/ OW. Married 15 years. I started drinking 4 yrs ago. BAD coping mechanism. I was hurt when after several attempts at communicating my emotional needs were still not being met. (pretty selfish) I also had put on much weight after having 6 children.
Since the EA I have lost 40#; exercising; stopped drinking; read the 2 books mentioned before. Am really wanting my marriage to be safe and I would do anything for H and the children. I have realized the WRONG that I commited. I apologized and have tried to reconcile with all of the people I have hurt. (12 steps).
I suppose my only enduring concern is that I feel that I have accepted all of the blame for his EA and am trying to be the best wife/mom; but, what is to prevent him from finding another fault and having another EA? I have tried to express my feelings with him and I do not get validation. Please help with ideas.
HOLDING ON

Welcome to the forum. A good marriage coach would help. Have you guys been to counseling?

We have been working on this since Feb. Things are much better and through counseling are better able to communicate without feeling like eaither is being "attacked".
I guess I like many am needing some romance and attention. I know that these will take time. I am trying to be patient (not one of my strong suits). Thanks for the reply!

I also found out on February 6th that my husband was having as affair. Read my post (I have 2) getting through the pain and humilation and another one. I to feel like I need alot of extra attention, my H comes home from work and thinks I should be all smiles and just focus on the good things but it is very hard to get through the bad to get to the good. I feel like my feelings do not matter most of the time, he just sits and listens to me talk never saying much other than he's sorry and it will never happen again. How can he know that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by his4ever:
<strong>We have been working on this since Feb. Things are much better and through counseling are better able to communicate without feeling like eaither is being "attacked".
I guess I like many am needing some romance and attention. I know that these will take time. I am trying to be patient (not one of my strong suits). Thanks for the reply!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Pennyme
I had been reading through your posts and realized we are in very similar situations my H and the OW and her H all work at the same place too!
I have found that when I talk about my feelings the conversation often turns right into talking about him...I openly listen and provide feedback. We never get back to my feelings...How about you?

Well we seem to talk about how I feel to much and never about how he really feels. He says hes over it, he regrets it, and it will never happen again and that it does not bother him in the least to work with them. Whose fooling who hear? I think he doesn't want to deal with his real feelings so he pushes them back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by his4ever:
<strong>Pennyme
I had been reading through your posts and realized we are in very similar situations my H and the OW and her H all work at the same place too!
I have found that when I talk about my feelings the conversation often turns right into talking about him...I openly listen and provide feedback. We never get back to my feelings...How about you?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Penny,

We never (or very rarely) talk about the A anymore. I think I just got tired of trying to get to the REAL bottom of it. I tried to understand his feelings towards the OW and wanted to know what all they shared in their discussions and emails. I tried to recover the deleted files but never managed to. I guess I may never really know. I also don't think he understands my need to read and know what the conversations were "EXACTLY" instead of his summary. As I said earlier...It was all pretty much my fault in his eyes; although, he has apologized for the pain he caused me and has said that it will not happen again.

I am going through the same thing. Every time I ask for more detail, I get only partial answers.

She gets upset, asks me when is this nightmare going to end. Says I don't trust her. Says I need councelling, because I should not be obsessing over the details. She thinks my obsessing over the details is a sign that I am depressed, (which in all fairness may be true).

The simple fact is, she is hiding something from me and I can only guess why. What she doesnt understand, is that my guesses are way worse than the reality. Why the sordid details are important to me I cannot say. But they do provide relief, because my mental images are much much worse than the reality.

I think she believes that there are things that I cannot forgive or are too painful for me to know. Also I think that there is a certain degree of embarrassment on her part. Also I will bet she has been sugar coating (lying about) the whole thing to make her look better in my eyes in the belief that it will be easier for me to forgive her.

I desperately want to understand what happened between them. My belief and prayer is that I can prevent it from happening again if I am smart enough, brave enough, and good enough.

Sorry for rambling but your post struck a nerve. Maybe some of this applies to you.

See my post under Obsessed.

Alert

Just by your actions and concern shows that you are strong enough/brave enough and good enough. I have found that this whole experience has damaged my self esteem as well but that is part of the reason why my H says that he found the OW attractive (lots of confidence). Funny thing is I felt lots of confidence at work and in social settings before and now just feel (and felt) insecure around him for some reason. I have been spending more time making myself feel better about me. As a result he is showing a little more interest.

I understand and can relate to the need to know everything in detail. If you find a way to uncover/unravel it all let me know. In the meantime trying hard to focus on improving myself and our relationship from the little bits I know. Thanks for sharing. By the way...could not find your obsessed post???

Last post on obsessed was 6/19, so go to box at top and set to view last 20 days.

Thanks for your encouragement!

I wonder if your insecurity around your H has to do with how he treats you and acts around you in public/socially. Its hard to be secure/confident when you get signals not to be.

Some people get in social settings and lose all consideration for their partners in order to get more attention for themselves.

Just an update. I thought things were going bettter...I keep working on my part of things. He still hasn't put any real effort into things that I can tell. THANKS for the input Alert!!!
I hope things are better for you and for you too Pennyme!
He had the day off and so did I. He had said we were going to spend the day doing something special together....NOT!!!! We had a normal everyday. I did housework. He messed around outside. On the way home from shopping I had sunglasses on and was crying. I really have not felt like he feels that I am important or special and I still wonder and worry about his feelings for the OW.

He said "you are sad" So I told him why. (that I woke up and expected a special day with him and it didn't happen) He didn't even acknowledge my feelings. He immediately went to a discussion of the work that needed to be done on the house.

What do I do now????