Hello All! Im new here so bare with me this may be long. I just don't know what to do anymore so Im turning to Marriage Builds hoping I can save my marriage. I will start out by telling a little about myself and my family.....
My Name is Jennifer I'm 32 yrs old and have 4 boys ages 12,11,7,5. The 7 & 5yr old live with us full time and the 12 & 11yr old part time. My husbands name is Ken he is 31yrs old. We will be married 6yrs this July 24th and there has been more bad then good. Im from Mich. he's from Idaho, we met in Colo. We knew each other almost two months and got married. Im sure that was the first mistake. This is marriage 2 for the both of us. The first year was hard as one would expect. We struggled like any othere couple. I came in to the relaionship with a 1yr old son and we found out we had one on the way. Year's 2&3 same as year 1 but slowly getting worse. Thank GOD no more children on the way. Years 4&5 so bad I don't know what to do. During all these years he has tried to control me and had done it up until a year ago. After getting married we moved to Arizona to be by my mother and his son. He didn't let me work and I didn't have any friends. He liked it that way. It bothered him when I talked to my mother on the phone because it was taking time from him. He drank alot in the first 2 1/2 years. He would go to work in the morning and not come up til late at night due to his party life. I wasn't even aloud to go to the mall or movie's with my mother. I would go for weeks at a time without leaving my house or talk to anyone but my children. I have been acussed of cheating,lieing,you name it he's acussed me of it. I let a guy next door use our phone one time and after that he thought I was sleeping with him. I have never done anything to make him feel this way or to do the things he does. He has never cheated on me but has done nothing but lie to me from day one. He says I make him think and feel this. I said how I've never left the house,I don't have friends. I have nothing but you and the children.
The next BIG PROBLEM is he can't hold a job or save money. Like I said we have been married almost 6yrs and we don't have a pennie to our names. We live pay check to pay check because he can't stop spending money. If he has $20 he will spend $15. As for not holding a job down I don't know what to do with that eather. He looses jobs because he's to sleepy to getup and go in so he call's his boss and lies and says hes not feeling well. To make the job thing short for ya he has had 10 jobs in 6yrs. I finely last year told him we can't count on you to take care of us Im getting a Job and I did. He made that hell for me. Calling my work all day acussing me yet a get of cheating on him. This time it was with my boss's 19yr old son. I didn't have time for this at work I work in the nursing field and don't have time for personal phone calls. He said I was lieing to him because I didn't want him calling me at work. I had to have the RN I work under get on the phone and tell him to stop calling. I was on the verg of loosing my job because of him. Well because he couldn't keep a job and as much as I worked (40hr)a week pluse about 10 to 20 if not more of over time. It was hard to make it on what I made so because he wouldn't get off his work I had to be the MAN of the house AND PUT MY FOOT DOWN!! I moved use back to my home town of Mich.I said this is our last chance Ken you have to get your **** together. Well we've been back here 2months and nothing has changed. Ive seen alot of old friends that I haven't seen in a long time and he dosn't like it. I get in trouble just for saying hi and giveing them a hug. If I even talk about any of them I'm accussed of wanting them. The money problem is still there. He just dosn't get it he has to stop spending. He says "I work and pay my bills" I say yes but we have no money. I just don't know what to do anymore. We fight over everything. He thinks my fear of not haveing money or being able to give my children what they need is no reason for me to act the way I do. I can't help it after 6yrs of pleading with him I can't be nice any more.Well I want to thank you all for taking the time to read this I know its long. I need help so bad I don't know where to turn anymore. Im at the end of my rope.SOMEONE PLEAS HELP ME.One last thing, what can I do, I can be a hand spand away form his face,looking him in the eyes and he still does not hear a word I say. I'm not jokeing! I will say what did I just say to you? and he can't tell me. It's like what I say dosn't mean a thing.
I'm so sad and hurt I just feel like ending my marriage that there's no hope left.
Thank You,
Jennifer <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jennifer,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are here, but very happy to have you. I'm going to copy this letter about controlling husband from the main site right here:

What to Do with a Controlling Husband
Letter #1

Introduction: Over the past 30 years, I've seen women increasingly concerned about power and control in marital relationships. It's an issue that deserves the attention it's been given and women usually have good reason to be alarmed at the controlling behavior of their husbands. It not only deprives them of their personal right to freedom of choice, but it also ruins their marriages. The attempt of one spouse to control another is a short-sighted solution to marital conflict that backfires every time.

The first letter I've chosen is long, but particularly good in describing what women put up with when married to controlling men. The second letter is from a man who is being accused by his wife of being controlling, but he doesn't agree. Most controlling men don't. Is he really trying to control her, or isshe just caught up in?

Dear Dr. Harley,
My husband is a very controlling person. He likes to be in charge of everything and he's always telling me what and how to do things. I used to always feel like I couldn't live up to his standards. I realized that with simple things, such as doing the housework, he would quiz me on what I had done, what he thought I should do and how long it took me to do my chores. He'd come home from work, look around the house and ask "Did you do housework today?" I tend to lean towards perfectionism, so you can imagine how frustrating it is was for me to spend hours trying to meet his needs, then have him question me, instead of praise me.

We both work full time, but he controls the purse strings in our household. I can't spend a dime without asking him. If I buy something out of necessity, I make a point of telling him over the phone, while he's still at work so if he gets angry with me he has time to cool down before he gets home. What I find really embarrassing is that other people see how controlling he is and it makes me look like a wimp.

My husband is also a loud person. When we argue, he raises his voice so that he's yelling. I ask him constantly not to yell, but he ignores my request. He also is the type of man who won't apologize. When I've told him he's hurt me, he just won't admit that he's wrong about anything.

I have realized that he's always been controlling, and that was what I needed when I was young. Now I've grown and I need my space to be my own person, and pursue my interests, go out with my friends, but it's an uphill battle. He wants me to account for what I do on my days off. If I suggest doing anything on my own, such as being with people who share my interests, he becomes so unpleasant that I usually just stay home and resent him instead. I could understand his jealousy if there were a lot of men involved, but all the people interested in the hobby I pursue are women.

Whenever he's wanted to improve himself, I tell him to do it. I stand behind him and cheer him on. However, when I mention my dreams there is a distinct lack of support and understanding. He doesn't understand that I feel empty and unfulfilled, as if my brain is wasting away. We could live easily on his income while I upgrade my education, or re-train to better myself. But as soon as I mention school, night classes, or correspondence, he tells me that no one is happy at their job, so why should I be any different. It's like he's telling me not to be such a cry baby.

Oh yes, and our sex life. Well, I like affection, and my husband isn't affectionate at all. Every time he touches me, it translates into sex. He can never just touch me out of affection, it always means more. I've come to resent this. When he reaches out for me, if I can avoid it, I do. I bought a self-help book recently, and when he saw it contained a section on help in the bedroom that's what he wanted to read. That was a big turn off for me. I just looked at him and thought, there's so much more that's wrong with our relationship, sex is at the bottom of my list. Maybe if I got the respect and support and affection from you that I need from a relationship then you wouldn't have to worry about the sex.

I realized a while ago that I don't love my husband anymore and I am thinking about leaving him. I don't want to try to save this marriage because I feel that my husband is too stubborn to change. He won't ever become the sensitive and supportive type if he's never been that to begin with, will he?

When he tells me he loves me at the end of our phone calls, I can't say it back anymore. I haven't told him I love him in a long, long time. I guess what I'm after is more information on controlling types of men. I want to know if I'm blowing things out of proportion in my imagination or not. I think about our relationship on a daily basis and wonder if I'd be better off on my own or not. I'm not happy with my work, or my marriage.

K.W.

Dear K.W.
Your husband probably loves you more than you can ever imagine. While it's true that his demanding and controlling tendencies are driving you nuts, he does it because he has no reason not to do it. It works for him, so why should he stop? Besides, he probably doesn't think he's at all controlling. He probably thinks he is protecting you.

You probably have put up with his controlling ways over the years because you felt that if you left him, you might not survive. So you have allowed all the love units to be drained from your Love Bank until there are none left. If you wait much longer, he'll be so far in the red that you'll hate the man. When you were first married, your husband met many of your emotional needs and deposited enough love units for you to fall in love. That's why you agreed to marry him. But, over the years, he has not tried as hard to meet your needs, particularly your need for affection, and that has lowered his account balance in your Love Bank. Since your sexual responsiveness to him is very dependent on affection, instead of learning to be more affectionate, he has become sexually demanding. Those demands have further eroded your Love Bank.

Then there is his loud and controlling behavior: That has drained your Love Bank of all the rest of the love units that were once there. He has not learned how to make decisions that take your feelings into account and that makes you feel miserable. Whenever he forces you into a decision, instead of reaching one through mutual agreement, love units are withdrawn from your Love Bank. He gets his way, but at the expense of your love for him.

The reason that you feel you need space to be your own person is because of the way your husband makes decisions. Who wants to be married to a dictator! When you were in love with him, you would have gladly made mutually agreeable decisions, because you felt emotionally connected to him. But now he feels like a stranger to you, and all you want is to get away from your jailer once and for all. Your relationship with your husband has become so unfulfilling to you that even the idea of mutual agreement may be unappealing to you -- you simply don't want to deal with the man anymore.

To be honest with you, if your husband encouraged you to spend evenings with your friends, he'd never see you. If he agreed to support you so that you could attend school, when your education would be completed, you'd leave him. In fact, the reason you may have stayed with him this long may be due to how difficult it would be supporting yourself on the income you are presently making. To some extent, he may be aware of how you are slipping away from him, and in his desperation, he may become even more demanding and controlling.

What can be done about it?

I know you have tried to tell him how you feel in the past, and he doesn't seem to listen. But I suggest you do it one more time. This time go to him with a plan.

You mentioned that you gave him a self-help book once before, and his enthusiasm with the chapter on sex turned you off. Well, my book, Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility, also has a chapter on sex, but it's toward the end of the book. I advocate a frequent and fulfilling sexual relationship, but, as you already know, there are a few steps couples need to take before they get to that point. First, you should both read the chapters on negotiating without being demanding or selfish. I show you how to make decisions without trying to control each other. Then there are the chapters on overcoming Love Busters, such as angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands. These destructive habits have just about ended your marriage, but if you can eliminate them now, you may be able to save it.

And, if it makes you more comfortable, read the chapter on affection together before you read the chapter on sexual fulfillment. By the time you get to sexual fulfillment, you'll breeze right through it, when my suggestions in the other chapters have been followed.

Your husband wants you to be happy living with him. I guarantee it. And he is probably aware of his failure. But he doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't know how to talk to you about your conflicts, and he can see you drifting away from him. Give & Take will teach him how to discuss conflicts with you without being controlling, and it will teach him how to make you happy. After you've both learned its lessons, you'll find a much greater willingness on his part to help you finish school, to develop new interests, and to expand your horizons. But it will be done without the threat of you leaving him. Instead, he will be involved with you in your development, not as a controlling husband, but as an interested lover.

I know exactly what you're going through. My exhusband did the same thing to me - he is now my ex. We were married for four years. Looking back at it now, and having had some counseling, I realize that he was abusing me mentally, and emotionally. The next step would have been physical.

I wasn't allowed to see friends or family. If I did go to see anyone, he was always invited, but never came. And then stayed angry with me for quite some time afterward. He came with me to the hospital in another city when my father had heart surgery. He stayed one day while my father was in surgery, then left and came back to pick me up a week later. My dad was still in recovery when he left, but all he could talk about on the three hour drive home was himself.

I had a long heart to heart talk with him one night when he told me his true feelings - he had given up on me and our marriage. We tried to work it through, but he would not admit that any of the problems in our marriage were his doing. He said he "intended" to do this or that, but never did.

We had no children, so I was fortunate there. We separated, but kept in contact over the phone and email. His words kept getting more harsh and he blamed me for things he had done. Finally one day, I told him I wouldn't take it anymore, changed my email address and phone number, and I haven't heard from him since. We were divorced three months later - he didn't even show up at the courthouse, he sent his lawyer instead.

I know now that he was the one with the problem, and I saved myself from a lifetime of abuse and unhappiness. Life is just too short. I know you have children to think about, but realize that the children see and hear everything (whether you realize it or not). Do you want your sons to think that they can treat women that way? Or your daughters to think it's ok to be treated that way?

I know this is the most difficult thing you'll ever go through, my best advice is "don't lose yourself" whatever you do. Someone also told me that although you can't see it, life is better on the other side - and to that I now say AMEN!! I now have an incredible husband who adores me and four children (three from his first marriage and one of our own) and I'm so glad I didn't miss out on "the good life".

My prayers are with you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gr8fulwife:
<strong>I know exactly what you're going through. My exhusband did the same thing to me - he is now my ex. We were married for four years. Looking back at it now, and having had some counseling, I realize that he was abusing me mentally, and emotionally. The next step would have been physical.

I wasn't allowed to see friends or family. If I did go to see anyone, he was always invited, but never came. And then stayed angry with me for quite some time afterward. He came with me to the hospital in another city when my father had heart surgery. He stayed one day while my father was in surgery, then left and came back to pick me up a week later. My dad was still in recovery when he left, but all he could talk about on the three hour drive home was himself.

I had a long heart to heart talk with him one night when he told me his true feelings - he had given up on me and our marriage. We tried to work it through, but he would not admit that any of the problems in our marriage were his doing. He said he "intended" to do this or that, but never did.

We had no children, so I was fortunate there. We separated, but kept in contact over the phone and email. His words kept getting more harsh and he blamed me for things he had done. Finally one day, I told him I wouldn't take it anymore, changed my email address and phone number, and I haven't heard from him since. We were divorced three months later - he didn't even show up at the courthouse, he sent his lawyer instead.

I know now that he was the one with the problem, and I saved myself from a lifetime of abuse and unhappiness. Life is just too short. I know you have children to think about, but realize that the children see and hear everything (whether you realize it or not). Do you want your sons to think that they can treat women that way? Or your daughters to think it's ok to be treated that way?

I know this is the most difficult thing you'll ever go through, my best advice is "don't lose yourself" whatever you do. Someone also told me that although you can't see it, life is better on the other side - and to that I now say AMEN!! I now have an incredible husband who adores me and four children (three from his first marriage and one of our own) and I'm so glad I didn't miss out on "the good life".

My prayers are with you!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 12:29 PM: Message edited by: Jennifer1970 ]</small>