Oh boy here is my story. I have been married 13 years to my best friend. We dated in high school and then were just friends for 5 years we then realized it was each other who we wanted to be with. Most envied our love and realtionship and thought we were both soooooo LUCKY. Well lucky me after standing beside his man for 13 yrs I find out the worst thing possible. He went on a business trip a year ago and right after he returned a girl called his office (he works for my families business) and got my mother on the phone well she is a smart lady and new something was up. She told me he was having an affair and new this girl was on the business trip. I confronted H and he said no but it was a friendship on the internet and he would stop. I belived all this and off we went to counseling where he professed his love for me. The next year was very rocky and not much effort by him to work on marriage. But keep telling counsoler he loved me. Counsoler told him he needed to see someone on his own as he had depression and needed meds. He went to a few and never liked them or missed his first appointment. Finally I told him he had to end of summer to get help he needed or I would divorce him. (I know should of told him this sooner) He goes and gets a counsler he likes and has his first appointment and kinda has a break through realizes he has not bee meeting my emotional needs etc and I didnt abandon him he did me. Just after that I get your worst nightmare of a phone call. I find out the internet friend is not gone and yes she was at the business trip and He had met with and slept with her 3 times. ALL this info came from her husband who felt I really needed to Know! His wife has done this many times 3 that he knows of and is a reg for web caming with any man in sight!
Well I had a confrontation with H and in middle of it Ow now knowing from her H that I know decides to call and make sure my H is ok. THE NERVE!She threatens me and tells me she is gonna have my H and my KIDS! So I end conversation with H going no where as usual he says all is not true! I send him off to work the next day where my family tells him its all over he is to find a place to live and it would not work for him to keep his job so he has 3 months to find a new one. (Just so you know this is not a worry for him because he is very good at what he does)He calls me and asks me to meet him. He is sorry and tells all.
At that time my brain said kick his [censored] out but my heart says I love him and dont want this to end. He says he loves me and for a year wanted to tell me but felt he dug A hole far to deep and couldnt get out.He has not seen her in that year but admits to many phone calls and emails.He loves me and not her and that she just was a crutch for his depression. He knows he was wrong 100% and takes all blame. The more romantic I was and loving the more depressed he was because he felt he did not deserve it.\
He has now seen counsoler 3 times and on meds for depression. We read a marriage book to each other every night and he has done some real nice things like worrring when I am not home and spending family time etc.He was not a father to his kids during this past 3yrs and admits that.He tells me he loves me all the time but I still dont feel its every enough I want romance reassurence and for him to do something really special to show he cares. Why is sorry and a little affection not enough? Am I selfish greedy not giving him time to get through what he needs to do. There has been no contact with ow and he always answers all my questions about the A with honesty and nothing held back.
Help some days I feel great others I want more from him now I just dont know what or how he should give? He says he knows he has to prove his love and tell me those words I love you at least twice a day but I want more. More then I am sorry MORE MORE MORE! I gave for years with noting in return and am tired of waiting.

Welcome to the forum. Here's what Harley says about compensation:

As it turns out, in every affair there is a way to adequately compensate the offended spouse that is good for the offender and good for the marriage. At first, the offended spouse may not want to be compensated. He or she may try to get as far away from the offender as possible to avoid further pain. But if the spouse asks for forgiveness along with a willingness to compensate, the offended spouse is usually willing to entertain the proposal.

So let's talk about adequate compensation. What could the offending spouse possibly do to compensate for an affair? After all, it's probably the most painful experiences anyone could ever put his or her spouse through.

I've made the point in His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-proof Marriage that spouses usually have affairs because their emotional needs are not being met in the marriage. The way to affair-proof a marriage is for couples to meet each other's most important emotional needs. So whenever one spouse has an affair, the other should try to learn to meet the unmet needs that led to the affair.

That's a tough sell to someone who has just learned about their spouse's unfaithfulness. I'd sooner kill him than meet his needs, is the most common reaction. Besides, we haven't talked about compensation at all. Instead, we've gone and blamed the offended spouse for the affair!

But in most cases, neither spouse is meeting the other's needs prior to the affair. The reason that there were not two affairs is often a lack of opportunity for the offended spouse. And sometimes when there is that opportunity, there actually are two affairs.

The point I'm making is that in most cases both the offending and offended spouses' emotional needs were not being met by each other prior to the affair. One compensation for the affair, therefore, is for the offending spouse to learn to meet the emotional needs of the offended spouse. But if I can also motivate the offended spouse to do something that should have been done all along, meet the offending spouse's emotional needs, the arrangement seems more fair to the offending spouse. There is not only compensation for the affair, but the conditions that created the affair (unmet emotional needs) are removed. The marriage is restored and affair-proofed.

Forgiveness comes much more easily in these cases because the change has compensated for some of the pain that was suffered, and the offender is usually forgiven by the offended. Technically, it isn't really forgiveness. It's a compensation for the pain of the affair. But I don't quibble. If they want to call it forgiveness, that's fine with me.

Using this meaning of forgiveness, the person asking to be forgiven must first demonstrate an awareness of how inconsiderate the act was and how much pain his or her spouse was made to suffer. Second, he or she must express some plan to assure the forgiver that steps have been taken to avoid the painful act in the future. As it turns out, it's the successful completion of that plan that's the compensation that leads to "forgiveness." Learning to meet each other's most important emotional needs is the plan that usually does the trick.

But, unlike the repayment of $10,000, where payee suffers a $10,000 loss in order to provide compensation, in marriage, the compensation does not lead to a loss. He should learn how to meet your important emotional needs, but do it in a way that would not cause him to suffer. The Policy of Joint Agreement guarantees that. Whenever you follow that policy, you learn to please each other in ways that are mutually enjoyable. I'd say that's reasonable compensation, wouldn't you?

Speaking of the Policy of Joint Agreement, there's another important point that I should make regarding forgiveness. When you discovered your husband's affair, you learned two things about him that you had not known before. You learned that he would make decisions that did not take your feelings into account (having the affair), and you learned that he would lie about his behavior to cover it up. In other words, you learned that he was not following the Policy of Joint Agreement or the Policy of Radical Honesty. That discovery was undoubtedly very disillusioning to you. Who wants to be married to a man who is inconsiderate and dishonest?

Now you are trying to create a new understanding with your husband, where he will agree to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty. Good for you! Apparently, he has not yet agreed to these important issues, and that has a great deal to do with your reluctance to forgive him. I'm sure you will not find forgiveness in your heart until he agrees to be honest with you, and to take your feelings into account in the future.

But forgiveness will be much easier after you are convinced that your husband considers your feelings whenever he makes a decision (follows the Policy of Joint Agreement), is completely honest with you about everything (follows the Policy of Radical Honesty), and is meeting your important emotional needs. For you to be convinced, he must not only agree to these changes, but he must also demonstrate his commitment by living them for a while. Forgiveness may still require a bit of generosity on your part, but if he makes these changes, I think you'll be able to handle it. When that happens, the burden of resentment you are carrying will be lifted, and the love you have for each other will be restored.

Thanks star fish for your responce. I think my H is following the policy of agreement but not meeting my emotional needs. I read alot on this web site and I feel I have been trying to meet his emotional needs also. He says I could not get through to him because he put up a wall out of guilt and is willing to try now because he knows he loves me and only me and my forgiveness has helped him.My problem is that I feel I am still the only one meeting emotional needs here, he is trying but not doing the romantic things and loving things I need. Am I expecting to much? Should his honesty and participation in family activities be enough? When he tells me he loves me a few times a day is that enough? I feel its not I want more I was a princess to him 3 years ago before this started and I want it back! IS that to much to ask for? I guess my question is how do I help him to meet my emotional needs and be that romantic thoughtful encouraging guy I married? When I tell him I need more he says he wants to give it to me but doesnt follow through with any concret actions. Just I love you and cuddling. My heart says there is something else I want some romance and nice things said to help my ego get through this pain.

Fla,

What does he say when you tell him that you are unhappy with the level of commitment that you are receiving. Or do you tell him?

Yes I tell him all the time and he says he wants to show me but does nothing. At one point I told him a letter a card an email something and he says he doesnt want it to be anything he gave ow and is thinking about it. I told him it does not have to be something big just something besides the usual "I love you".Why is this so hard for him I dont understand and tell him no actions are not helping to build my trust in him or my security in the fact that he loves me. The first few days after I found out he did some great things and I kept telling him how much they ment to me, but nothing since. I told him on Sunday that at one point we were stopped at a red light and he just leaned over and gave me this passionate kiss and wow it was like old times and made me feel so special. (LOL The guy behind was honking his horn)Some might say well I should make the first move but I have been doing that for so long I want to be romanced and given to. DONT I DESERVE THAT! I have said nice things to hm told him why I love him cooked his favorite meals and really all I get back is I love you.

THF,

Do you have a PLAN to rebuild your marriage? A plan for him to follow? Have you filled out the EN and LB questionaires? Are you following the Four Rules for a Successful Marriage....time, protection, care and honesty? If not, this is where you must start. He may have some withdrawal issues from the affair and some guilt as well....but the affair is over...you two have climbed the worst hurdle....now don't drop the ball!!! If it's not enough....it's not enough. And it IS important that you two are on the same page. Use the tools here to help you get back the marriage you want. I promise you it IS possible. I know, because I did it, but it is process....it took us almost 2 years after D-day to reach recovery...but I am very happy.

Also when I ask him why he loves me its all about what I do for his self estem nothing about my personality or my looks. He took away part of my confidence when he had A and I feel he needs to give some back. I know I am not bad looking a great mom and a strong person I just want to hear it from him. Just before he started A I lost 100lbs and was looking great, during all this I gained back 60 and as soon as I found out I started back on my diet and excersise plan. He never compliments me and just goes out at night and buys him self cinamon rolls and bakes them so I have to smell them cooking. Not a word about my self control or hard work. LOL reading about the cinamon rolls makes me feel real petty but maybe you will get the point.I am a princess in my own eyes but when will I be his princess again? As for the gained weight I dont think it has anything to do with whether he loves me or not after my first son I was huge and he still adored me and treated me great mind you when I lost 100lbs he really barley noticed.

Soooo.....what does that tell you? One of your most important emotional needs is admiration. When you share the questionaires, you will each be able to see where to put your effort.

Out of curiousity....why did he have the affair? What made your marriage vulnerable to an affair?

I also need to tell you chere....that BOTH of you will have to make changes for your marriage to work and you may have to change FIRST! Why? Because you are here and he isn't.

What made our marriage vulnerable was that he lost his job his self estem and lied to me.So I refused to meet his emotional needs instead of seeing what was wrong I ran and barried my head.

THF,

Losing a job can be very demoralizing to someone and cause some loss of self esteem. You say you stopped filling his needs and just buried your head. So you are telling me that both of you contributed to the vulnerability of your marriage?.....so are you both contributing to the rebuilding? Sounds like you guys may need a marriage coach or a counselor to get you back on track. Are you filling his most important needs. It sounds like you may not have control of the Love Busters yet. Are you spending enough TIME together to rebuild compatibility. It's a long road to recovery from an affair...but it can be done.

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>