I'm a new member to this message board and have recently (in the last 2 months) found out my husband has been having an affair for approximately 6 years with a 28 year woman. Ask me how I found out was hints from a sister-law and
armed with that information I investigated this woman through the internet. I couldn't believe this woman's background - lapdancer, prostitute, stripper,drug addict, motocycle mama with two sons by her motorcycle ex's. How lovely and all the while this disgusting,deceitful,distrustful, lying son of a b was also having relations with me.
He found out that I knew and had the nerve to tell me that I was the one invading his privacy and that I shouldn't be trusted. Told me that he couldn't trust me any longer etc., I asked him in anger of course to move out of our home and he flatly refused. Can someone tell me why he wouldn't move in with his girlfriend? After all the affair has gone on for 6 years and from all indications he will not be ending it.
Also she has two sons that he spends more time with then his own 11 year daughter.

I am working towards getting the house ready to be sold and once that happens he's gone. He even is procastinating about helping out with the organization of the house.

We are now at the part where we are talking to each other but only concerning "safe" subjects such as the house, our daughter, his volunteer work etc., I am going to counselling to control my anger and rage - I am also on anti-depressants and sleeping pills. I just want the whole thing to end. RIGHT NOW. I don't want excuses etc.,

I am so hurt by this - I don't understand it and one of the worst parts is that everyone knew before me - the humilation and embarassment as so great I can't communicate with his family. As well as why doesn't he just admit it and be honest? That other part is that once confronted with the facts he denies them and keeps telling me that "it's not what you think it is" Well, it is what I think it is.

Anyone, who has an affair during a committed relationship and/or marriage is not being realistic in thinking that the relationship is greatly damaged.

The hurt,anger,embarassment,humiliation and rage not to mention damage to self esteem and trust that has occurred can never be fixed.

How do I ever get past this part? I am trying but I really don't want to - I want to hate him forever.

Before embarking on an exciting affair please stop and think about the people (spouse and children) that you are hurting. The best thing you can do is get counselling before the affair starts or stop it be honest and get counselling don't let the injuried parties find out for themselves.

sasv,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you are here, but happy to have you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Affairs are devastating!!! for all involved. And no progress can be made without honesty. I am so sorry you are going through this.....many of us here know the pain all too well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

SASVAl, Sounds like your situation is a little like mine. I threw my spouse out of the house when I found out about the affair. He is in therapy to find out why he isn't perfect like he thought he was. What a bunch of bull. We are at the stage where we are not speaking to each other, again, his choice. He has not made any move towards reconcilliation, so I have decided that by the end of July, If he still want to play his game that he is the martyr, and the previous 10 years of a emotionless marriage and the affair is my fault, I'm moving on to divorce. I know that sounds quick, but if he isn't going to take any responsiblity for his actions, I'm not going to waste any more of my life on him. Married 37 years, he is 60, having an affair with a 27 year old druggy. Several of his co-workers have said that all the OW saw was someone who could afford her drug habit. Do what you need to do, but for a change put yourself first, you don't need to play his game.

Deana2

Thank you for the advice. Wow - 37 years. Did your H ever do anything like this before? I expected it from mine. What shocks me though is the fact that he keeps denying that "it's not what I think it is" I think he's right - after more investigation it comes to light that there is more than meets the eye. It's not just an A with a OW but it's an obession with youth. My H is 57 and we have been together over 12 years. Before that he was one of my best friends. That's what hurt the most - that the honesty was not there. My H not only betrayed me as a spouse but as a friend. This OW has also dragged him into some very shady dealings. OW is also involved in organized crime - did the lapdancing,prostituion, stripping, drugging for them. What a mess - but my mess it isn't.

The sad part is over the last several days H has decided that maybe what he's losing is worth 100 of what he's getting. Trying to be friendly again and do things as family. I want no part of it. As you imply - he chose his road and by not being honest he made a decision by not making a decision. If H had only been honest and was honest we could have gone for counselling together and worked on this marriage. If I'm not fulfilling his emotional needs and he's not fulfilling mine then we need to understand and work together. BUT, AND LISTEN TO THIS GUYS HONESTY IS THE KEY HERE. IF YOU REFUSE TO BE HONEST BEFORE YOU'RE CAUGHT OR IN THE FIRST STAGES OF CONFRONTATION THEN THE MARRIAGE CAN POSSIBLY BE SAVED. IF YOU KEEP DENYING TO YOURSELF AND TO YOUR W THEN THERE IS NO WHERE TO START OVER WITH.

I am at the vengeful stage and hope he gets everything he deserves. I keep pressuring for him to move in with OW - that will be revenge enough for me. OW has 2 boys and H has promised for 6 years to divorce me, marry me and adopt boys. Once H moves in with OW that will be beginning of end.

Every circumstance and relationship is different and many can be saved but I think you're right ours can't. There is forgiveness and then there is forgiveness.

Men out there - I'd like to know if there are any that are in this type of A and why are you? What is your take on this - how do I make some sense of what's happening?

Sorry to hear of the situation you are in. If you expect honest and a clear thought process while your husband is still involved with the OP, as someone esle quite eloquently put it, while they are involved their minds are scrambled... Do not believe a word he says.

You might have not met his EN, but don not let him blame you for the A,,,that is his sole responsibility that he has to take, not you.

My wife also came up with some very interesting scenarios as to why she loved me, but not in love,,,none of which involved her OP. They have to validate the reason they are having a A, and they will never blame themselves, so guess who is the problem in their eyes.

6 years is a long time and I would also have problems with people that knew and never said anything about it to you. Either they are outright cowards or their (shall I call it?) love and concern are so minimal for you that they would rather you go on believing in your H and suffer the humiliation and hurt that you are now going through.

Good luck and God bless

Rookie

Oh boy can I relate to your feelings, but in my case my XW had MULTIPLE affairs with men that had prison records, and she too felt she had a right to do what she pleased without a thought to me or our daughters. I had thoughts of revenge on her 24/7 until I came to the realization that these thoughts of retribution were hurting me more than they were hurting her. I lost all love for her when she put the wellbeing of our two small daughters in jeopardy, and I divorced her and got full custody of our daughters. Despite all my well founded reasons for divorcing her, it was still very painful to do so because it felt like I was burying a dead loved one. Never let anybody tell you that divorce is painless because it NEVER is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Oh boy can I relate to your feelings, but in my case my XW had MULTIPLE affairs with men that had prison records, and she too felt she had a right to do what she pleased without a thought to me or our daughters. I had thoughts of revenge on her 24/7 until I came to the realization that these thoughts of retribution were hurting me more than they were hurting her. I lost all love for her when she put the wellbeing of our two small daughters in jeopardy, and I divorced her and got full custody of our daughters. Despite all my well founded reasons for divorcing her, it was still very painful to do so because it felt like I was burying a dead loved one. Never let anybody tell you that divorce is painless because it NEVER is.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

How did you stop loving your XW - was it just something that happened one day? Or did it take months to get through?

I don't need professional guidance - what I need is human guidance - people who have been in the same place as I'm going through and can guide me through some very muddy waters. So if there are any others like me out there please respond.

I am totally confused and totally heartbroken. I really don't know which way to turn. Is this common reactions? What are the reactions on the other side? I don't know what to expect - if I knew than maybe I could prepare myself for what's going to happen next. My H is still seeing his other but is trying to be nice to both myself and our daughter. Our daughter is going to be twelve next week and he has made plans to take us away for the weekend. He is also very talktative and emotional. Claims he doesn't mean to hurt anyone.
He has also made sexual passes at me. I really don't understand and I am totally confused. Is this normal for this type of situation?

Could somebody out there explain this to me? And you are right - its like somebody died and you're grieving but in my case my H won't stay dead and let me get on with it.

Is there anyone out there with a similar situation/experience to mine?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by T00MuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Oh boy can I relate to your feelings, but in my case my XW had MULTIPLE affairs with men that had prison records, and she too felt she had a right to do what she pleased without a thought to me or our daughters. I had thoughts of revenge on her 24/7 until I came to the realization that these thoughts of retribution were hurting me more than they were hurting her. I lost all love for her when she put the wellbeing of our two small daughters in jeopardy, and I divorced her and got full custody of our daughters. Despite all my well founded reasons for divorcing her, it was still very painful to do so because it felt like I was burying a dead loved one. Never let anybody tell you that divorce is painless because it NEVER is.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">